by Dixon, Ruby
Bridget waves a hand in the air as if that’s nothing. “You worry about that when the time comes. Until then, you could at least talk to the guy.”
I run my fingers over the carving, considering her words. “I’m not sure he wants to talk to me. I’ve been trying to talk to him, but we keep getting crossed signals. Now he just avoids me.”
“He could be shy,” Hannah encourages. “I don’t think he or his brother talk to anyone. Well, no, I take it back. I see one of them occasionally arguing with Nadine. You know how she doesn’t like to be ignored. But everyone else? Might as well not exist. So maybe they don’t know how to talk to women at all.”
“That’s entirely possible,” Bridget continues, picking up the thread when Hannah pauses. “You should talk to him, Angie. Flirt a little.”
Flirt? I have never felt less sexy or pretty in my life. I feel bloated and confused and lost. “I don’t think I’m ready to flirt,” I admit. “But it’d be nice to be friends.”
“Then you tell him you want to be his friend,” Bridget encourages. “And ask him what that carving is, because I swear I can’t tell.”
Hannah giggles.
I just clutch the carving to my chest and think. Maybe they’re right. Maybe I do need to talk to Vordis. It’s obvious that he still wants to be friends on some level, that he cares about me. The presents tell a very different story than our interactions. Maybe it’s time for me to take that first step.
* * *
I decide to confront Vordis about my presents when he returns to camp that night. I wait by the fire, trying to be patient, as I clutch my strange figurine and listen to the others chitchat as they work. I have sewing to do—the baby's going to need clothes—but I haven't been able to concentrate ever since I talked to Bridget and Hannah.
What do I say to Vordis? I think he likes me and wants to be friends…but doesn't want to talk to me? I can't flirt with him. Not with a strange baby in my stomach. I don't feel like I can make any sort of claim on him at all. I'm in limbo until something happens with this baby, for better or for worse. I touch my stomach. Please be for better, little one. Please don't be weird. Or strange. Or creepy.
God, now I wish I hadn't watched so many horror movies as a teenager. I hate that I've seen Aliens so many times that I can quote it. Ripley, I am not. Which is a good thing, because I think about what happened to Ripley in later movies and shudder.
The main fire is busy tonight. It's stew, which isn't surprising—it's stew most nights, and the only variety is the ingredients. Liz is ever practical about the food. "Stew feeds dozens of mouths easily and doesn't require all that much preparation. Unless you're ready to start eating food raw like the sa-khui, learn to like stew."
Tonight's stew is tasty enough. It's some sort of pale meat, with greens gathered from the cliffs and dried out, and some cubed roots that Liz calls not-potato. A lot of the girls are lurking around the fire, and I'm puzzled at how they all keep watching me. Do they think I'm going to go into labor tonight?
Then I see Hannah and Bridget, and I know. They've gossiped to everyone that I'm going to talk to Vordis when he gets back from hunting. Since we have no television or books, I'm the entertainment tonight. Eesh. My skin prickles uncomfortably and I feel like I'm on stage and everyone's waiting for me to perform.
Devi happens to be seated next to me, and she pokes at her food with a carved bone spoon. She watches me, too, and when I shift in my seat for what feels like the dozenth time, she leans over. "You okay?"
"Just…anxious, I guess."
"Everyone's staring, huh?"
"I guess word travels fast." I grimace, and I'm tempted to put it off, since everyone's so intent on nosing into our business. I can talk to Vordis tomorrow, or some other time.
"You need a distraction," Devi whispers, and she gets a determined look on her face and clears her throat loudly.
Oh no.
Devi puts her fists on her chin, leaning forward and focusing her intent gaze on the chief. "Vektal—can I ask you a question?”
He nods, waving a hand to indicate she should keep speaking.
“So how did the first-generation survivors cope with this planet? How did you know to bond with the symbiont on this planet? Were they aware there was a toxic element in the air or was that something that was discovered after the fact? I assume the element’s gaseous in form unless your molecules are different than the ones back on Earth. I suppose that’s entirely possible since we can’t rule out unknown aspects to the laws of nature, but you would think that particular one would be standard.”
“Eh?” Vektal says, frozen in place with a frown on his face.
Devi continues chattering, waving her hands as she speaks. “And while we’re on the subject of naturally occurring things…there were no supplements you could take to induce the chemical reactions needed to clean whatever this element is out of the air and provide the same response? You went straight to hosting a parasite? And what about the body's thermal regulation? How do we manage to survive the cold without our internal heat destroying brain cells?"
Vektal looks at her as if she's growing another head.
Devi blinks, waiting.
Liz clears her throat. “I think she wants to know about your ancestors.”
"Ah. That is a good story." Vektal gets to his feet, the relief on his face obvious. "And one you should all learn."
This is as good a time as any to escape. I'll talk to Vordis some other time. Right now, I just want to retreat to my cave for some peace and quiet. I get to my feet, too, and when everyone looks at me curiously, I rub my lower belly and give a half smile. "Pregnant lady bladder."
"Boy, don't I know," Liz mutters. She gets to her feet, too. "I'll go with you."
I hesitate, because I wasn't really heading to the restroom, but decide it can't hurt. "Thanks, Liz."
Vektal starts up a strange story even as we leave the campfire. I hear him speaking of a flying cave as Liz and I waddle away to the back of the encampment. In a blind canyon, there's a crude outhouse constructed, complete with rickety seat and everything. It doesn't smell terrible, at least, thanks to the herbs that are kept in a basket next to the “toilet” and we've been taught to sprinkle them down the hole every time we go. I'm guessing that if it was up to the others, they'd pop a squat in the snow, but with three pregnant ladies, an outhouse is kind of a blessing.
I come out of the bathroom once I'm done, wash my hands in a bowl of fresh snow, and wait politely for Liz to go in. She doesn't, though. She just gives me a curious look. "You okay?"
"Me? Yes." I smile, even though I don't feel it much lately. "I'm fine, why?"
"Because I have eyes and I don't buy all the smiles you're tossing around?" Liz eyeballs me shrewdly. "You seem unhappy. And while I realize that is an incredibly stupid thing to point out given that you're stranded on an ice planet with aliens, I worry about you. I know this is a lot to take in."
"It is," I admit after a moment. "I…feel pretty lost." I instinctively touch my belly, but the baby's quiet tonight. Resting on my bladder, sure, but quiet.
Her face is all sympathy. "I just want you to know we've all been here before. I mean, not surprise-knocked up, but almost everything else. If you have questions, come and talk to me any time, all right? I promise I'm all bark and no bite." She pats her own belly, a delicate little bump compared to my enormous one. "And I've had two half-alien babies before this one, so I'm familiar with the situation."
I keep smiling, even though I want to tell her that it's not the same, that she knew what she was having, that she knew the father and how the baby got there. But I just nod, because I know she's trying. "It's…difficult," I manage. "I feel very alone." The words are hard to admit.
"You're not alone," she says bluntly. "That's one thing you're going to notice about living in a camp like this. Everyone's got their noses parked up your asshole. Privacy is a thing of the past. When you get used to it, you're going to notice that having this many
people in close proximity is both the worst thing ever and the best support system ever. But you're not alone, I promise you." Her gaze becomes speculative. "And I bet those red bastards would beg to differ. I'm sure they wouldn't mind making themselves an Angie sandwich." When my jaw drops, she puts her hands in the air. "Hey, no judging. I figure if you can't get your damn freak on here at the ass end of the universe, where can you?"
I manage to choke out a response. "I don't want a sandwich. I'm not interested in both of them."
"No? Because they are making it pretty damn obvious that they would butter your bread on both sides—"
"No," I interrupt quickly. "It's not like that." Only Vordis has really taken the time to get to know me. He's the only one I'm interested in…and I'm not even sure I can be interested. Not with my plus one in my belly. I shake my head. "Vordis has just been a really nice friend, you know? It's nice to have that. I feel like I can trust him."
"Trust him to butter your bread, right?" She wiggles her eyebrows at me, and when I give her another shocked look, she sighs and rubs a hand down her face. "Sorry. I'm at the point in my pregnancy where I'm really freaking horny. I'm guessing you haven't hit that part."
"I might have passed it, for all I know. This is all new to me."
"Oh girl," Liz says, and puts a hand on my shoulder comfortingly. "That sucks balls, not gonna lie. I do mean it, though. If you have questions or want help, you can talk to me or Harlow. We've both given birth before."
"Thank you. I appreciate the offer." I want to say more, but I catch a flash of movement in the shadows, off in the distance. It's near the mouth of the cave where the women are living, and my heart suddenly skips a beat. I try to pay attention to her, but my mind is totally and completely focused on that shadow I suspect is moving toward my cave to leave a present. ”Are you heading back to the fire?"
“I am.” Liz turns, looks in the direction I'm glancing, and then looks back at me. "Tell Vordis I said hi."
6
ANGIE
I sneak into the cave, well, as sneakily as a heavily pregnant woman can. I tiptoe past the big cave full of blankets and baskets of possessions that makes up where the other girls live, and head to the very back of the cave itself, where my small nook is. It's dark, but I can make out just a hint of blue light up ahead. That glow has to be his eyes, and I figure mine are giving me away, too. It doesn't matter. I'm not trying to pounce on him. I just want to catch him in the act so he'll be forced to confess.
Sure enough, I run into Vordis just as he's about to leave my cave. It's too dark to see what I've been left, but there's no mistaking his big form.
At least…I'm pretty sure it's Vordis. In the near dark, it could be Thrand. But somehow in my heart, I know it's Vordis.
"Hi there," I whisper, not wanting to disturb the quiet. "I caught you red-handed." And then I giggle at my own bad joke.
He says nothing, just watching me. After a moment, he nods his head, his glowing eyes bobbing.
My heart sinks. Are we still doing this? "Vordis, why won't you talk to me?" There's an ache in my throat that feels as if it's growing by the moment. "I don't know what I did, but whatever it is, I apologize. Please talk to me." I want to reach out and touch him, but that feels awfully forward, so I just clasp my hands on top of my big, intrusive belly.
The big alien hesitates, then finally speaks. "Angie. I am tasked to protect you, but friendship is not a requirement."
That tells me nothing, and if anything, my heart sinks even more. "But what if I want to be friends?"
"Then I will do as you ask."
"It doesn't work if the friendship is one sided," I point out.
Vordis falls silent again.
My hands twitch on my belly. For a moment I just want to shake the civility out of his tone. He'll be friends and talk to me only if he has to? That's worse than anything. "What did I say that made you so upset at me? If there's some unspoken rule I've broken, please tell me. The last thing I ever wanted was to offend you."
I can hear him shift on his feet, and I realize for the first time that he must be ducking slightly—my cave is wider than it is tall, and I can't imagine it's comfortable for him. I don't move out of the way, though. If he's going to be like this and only speak to me when he must, then I'm going to wring every word out of him I can.
"I do not wish to bother you. Being here, it made me forget my place for a time." He gestures in the darkness, indicating the cave and its surroundings. "It made me forget what I am. But I remember now, and I will not presume again."
"Vordis," I protest. "You think being my friend isn't your place? Do you know how much I could really use a friend right now?" I choke on the words, my loneliness threatening to swallow me whole. "Do you know how badly I could use someone that wants to talk to me? That I can confide in? It really, really hurts me that you think you shouldn't talk to me. I thought you were different…but I'm not going to beg. I don't want to make either of us uncomfortable."
He is silent once more, and I feel like weeping.
"Never mind," I tell him, and try to push past.
The big red alien doesn't move from the doorway of my cave. "Angie. I…" He hesitates, then continues. "I do not understand what it is you want from me."
Touch me. "Friendship," I blurt out, a hot blush on my cheeks, because my mind went to a pretty filthy place just then. Pregnancy hormones, I tell myself. Nothing more. "I want a friend, someone that will talk to me because they like to hear what I say. Not just because they feel sorry for me. I thought you wanted to be my friend."
"I am a'ani," he tells me, but his voice is ragged with emotion. "Such a thing is never asked."
"I don't care who you are or what kind of past you come from, Vordis." I reach out impulsively, searching for his hand. My fingers run across his belt and I draw back. Whoops. That could have gone badly. "This is a new place and a new start for all of us. Nothing's the same as what we've come from."
Vordis makes a sound like a grunt of agreement. "It is difficult for me to break from this. In my head, I think there will be another arena, another gladiator to fight, another battle to be won."
"Oh, don't I know that." I laugh. "I mean, not about fighting or battling, but sometimes I wake up and hope that I'm not going to be…pregnant. And that feels awful to say aloud, but it's just so different. I don't know what to think, and sometimes I just wish I'd wake up back in my own bed at home with all of the familiar things I remember." I touch my belly in a silent apology to the baby in there. "It's been…difficult."
"You are frightened," he says. "I can see it in your face."
"Of course I'm frightened. I don't know what's inside me or how it got there." I laugh again, but the sound is brittle. It's either that or start crying.
I'm surprised when a big hand clasps my shoulder, reaching out. It's Vordis, touching me of his own accord. "I will protect you and keep you safe. It will be all right."
In his awkward way, he's comforting me, and I feel a little better. "Thank you. You don't know how much that helps."
"I do not. I have never carried a child."
This time I laugh for real. I put my hand over his, because I don't want him to pull it off my shoulder. I like the heavy clasp of it, the weight of his hand, the heat of his skin because he's standing so close to me. I can feel him tense, but he doesn't pull back. "Will you tell me what I said the other day that offended you?"
"I was not offended."
"Then what was it?"
His eyes blink down at me in the darkness. They're startlingly bright and just seeing them so close makes me feel less alone. "You said you wished for a pickle. The female called Harlow says they do not exist here."
"It was just a silly wish. Cravings, that's all. I didn't mean for you to go and get me one." Is this all really over a pickle?
"Then you did not send me away on a fool's chase because I dared to talk to you?"
"What? No! Vordis, how many times do I have to say it? I want t
o be your friend. I want you to talk to me. Any stupid, silly, random thought you get in your head, I want you to come and tell me because I like hearing what you're thinking. Even if we talk about nothing more important than the weather, that would make me so stinking happy. Seriously."
His fingers move over the furs on my shoulder, almost like he's trying to figure out how to touch me. "And it will not offend you?"
"Not in the slightest."
"Others will not be offended at my presumption?"
"They can go fuck themselves if they are."
A deep laugh rumbles up in the cave. "Now there is an image. Exactly how does one fuck oneself?"
"I guess it could be done like assisted masturbation." I can feel myself blushing in the darkness. Perhaps we should change the topic, but he's just now talking to me, and I want it to continue. I don't care if we talk about genitalia for sixteen hours as long as we're talking. "It's a figure of speech, though."
"I know. It was just amusing to hear it from your lips." He still sounds pleased.
"Want to hear a joke?" I ask, just eager to hear more of his laughter. "I'm afraid I'm not the best at conversation, but I love a good joke. Well, almost as much as I love a bad one."
"You love…bad humor?" He sounds puzzled. "Why?"
"Just try me." I tap my finger on his hand. "Knock knock."
"You are requesting entrance?" Vordis tries to step backward into the cave, his hand lifting off my shoulder.
I cling to it, because I don't want him to leave. "Wait. No. That's the start of a bad joke. There's a lot of jokes that begin with 'knock knock.' You're supposed to say 'who's there.'"
"But I can see who is there. You are standing in front of me."
"Just play along. Come on." I give his hand a squeeze. "Knock knock."
"I am here," he announces.
"You say 'who's there' as if you can't see who is on the other side of the door." I can't help but giggle, just a little. "You're pretty bad at this."