by Amanda Fleet
I found what I was looking for and read it out loud to Faran. “Do not take a demon’s blood, whatever they offer to you. It will bind you to them in life and in death. Only the complete destruction of the demon can break the bond. Whenever the demon has form, it has control.”
My spit turned to sand. We’d tested my leathers when Aegyir had been trapped, and I’d put the talisman back on to avoid accusations of treason from my enemies on the Council. Had I taken it off before now, we’d have known I’d never be free of Aegyir until he was back in a vessel.
I shuffled back until my spine rested against the edge of one of the tub chairs in the room, my brain running through grim realisations.
“I can never take this off again unless we find more stones,” I said. “If it is true that the stone could destroy the demons, then great, chain me up and take it off me. Grind it up and scatter it over Aegyir and let everyone be free again. But if it doesn’t work, I’m no longer protected and there’s no replacement.”
Faran swallowed, staring at me as he digested this. “I won’t take the talisman off you again.”
I chewed my lip. I could see his reasoning – if the roles were reversed, there’d be no way I would take it off him – but what if it really was our only chance to be completely free of the threat from Aegyir? What if Mathas was right and there weren’t any more stones Outside? Would we have to trap the demons in vessels and hope they never got free again? That hadn’t worked so well so far.
I stretched my legs out until my feet rested against his thigh, the floor warm beneath me. “We really need to find the source of these bloody stones. I mean, they’ve come from somewhere. Even if grinding them up doesn’t work, if we could make a whole heap more talismans, we could protect everyone.”
Faran didn’t reply. He rested his knuckles against his lips, his focus on the floor. Finally, he looked up. “One stone. Aegyir said there was only one stone. Mathas said there were no more Outside.”
“I’m not sure I’d believe anything Aegyir says, and Mathas isn’t always right. Lilja thinks there are stones and that I will find them.”
The colour suddenly drained from his cheeks. “How many living Outsiders did we take out of The Realm?”
“Oh, fuck! A lot.” After the battle in The Realm a few days ago, we’d taken dozens of people Outside who’d been corrupted by Aegyir. While he was trapped, they’d have been released from his power. Now? Aegyir had an army of foot-soldiers Outside, ready to do his bidding.
Faran stared at me. “Aegyir’s been in your head. He knows you’re going Outside to look for the stones.”
My breathing juddered in my chest.
“I should come with you,” said Faran, squaring his shoulders, ready for a fight.
I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more than to have him by my side tomorrow.
“No,” I said, my spirits plummeting. “You’d have to tell Lord Sondan or your father why. I don’t need anyone getting a reason not to trust me on this, and we need those stones.”
I wasn’t entirely sure I would find them, but I was The Realm’s only hope.
“Aegyir’s slaves will kill you.” His voice was barely more than a whisper.
“No. Aegyir will want me alive.”
As soon as I said it, I doubted my words. Aegyir had wanted me alive, to get into The Realm. But he was here now. Mathas’s words came back to me: It will end with torture, and you will wish you’d never gone. Stay in The Realm. Would Aegyir torture me? He’d already cut one of my fingers off trying to persuade me to do something I’d refused to do. What else would he do to me? Or get his slaves to do to me?
Faran lowered his head. “I’ve only just got you back. If you’re not here by lunchtime tomorrow, I’ll come and find you.”
“Okay. Deal.” I hoped I would be back long before then, but it was a comfort to know he’d come if needed.
A long silence stretched between us.
“How far is it to the place you think the stones are?” he asked eventually.
“A day’s walk? Maybe less. I might be able to get transport though.” I shifted position so that I sat next to him on the floor and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “One day, once the demons are defeated, I want to take you Outside and show you what my life was like. Or at least try to give you a sense of it.”
“I’d like that.”
I squeezed his knee, making him look up. “Can we go to bed?”
He smiled, but I couldn’t miss the anxiety and pain in his face.
In bed, I curled against him and closed my eyes, tracing the ridges and hollows of his abdomen, smiling as his flesh twitched. And then images of the massacre at Barsdal rushed back to me. I snapped my eyes open, breathing hard. Faran stroked my back, his other hand buried in my hair.
“My lady, I know what you need. What we both need. I just don’t know if you want it with me yet.”
I moved so that I could look at him. “What do we need?”
He shifted, making the feather quilt rustle. “To forget. To be distracted by something that isn’t what we saw today, or what might face you Outside tomorrow.”
He was right. On all counts. I wanted to lose myself in him and let being physical with him overwhelm my senses and blot out the images from the day. But however right it was beginning to feel to be close to him, this body hadn’t done more than kiss him, even if my head remembered a lot more. My hand left his chest to rub his jaw, drawing his face towards me, and he kissed me softly. My eyes closed and memories of us danced through my brain. A low current buzzed under my skin.
“I need you,” I whispered. “But I don’t know if I’m ready.”
“Sh. We can just kiss if you want.”
“No, I need more. But not sex. Not yet.”
He smiled. “Luckily, I can think of a lot of things I want to do with you that are more than kissing and not sex.” He rolled me on to my back, his lips grazing my neck.
“Are you going to relax at any point?” he murmured after a few minutes.
“I don’t know.”
“Okay… That won’t be at all off-putting.” He peeked up at me, grinning.
“Sorry.”
“Hm. Can I explore a bit lower than your collarbone?”
I caught my breath as his palm drifted under my top and over my breast, and he looked up. “No?”
“Um,” I croaked. “Um, you’re okay.”
His hand cupped my breast, his thumb circling my nipple. “Only okay?”
I groaned. “Faran, you know damn fine what effect you have on me.”
I coiled my hand around the back of his neck and drew him back to me.
“You’re wearing too many clothes.” He undid the first button of my top and kissed me again, working his way over my neck and down towards my cleavage. I made a couple of strange cheeping sounds, and he paused, looking up the bed towards me. “Do you want me to stop?”
“Er… No.”
He laughed and rolled his tongue around my nipple, his hand drifting down to undo the next button. “You’re definitely wearing too many clothes.”
He undid the last two buttons on my night-shirt and pushed it open. My skin burned for him so much I was surprised it didn’t sizzle under his tongue. He hooked his thumb into the waistband of my shorts and raised his head, questions in his eyes.
“Um,” I mumbled as my shorts slipped down my hips. I hitched them back up.
Disappointment flashed across his face, but he moved his hand back to my waist. “Okay.”
His lips dusted my torso, and he trailed his tongue along the line of my wonky ribs. I pushed him on to his back, kissing him, and he unthreaded my top from my arms and threw it on the floor. One hand drew circles on my back, the other moved into my shorts to rub my backside.
I propped myself up, holding his gaze. His eyes were full of love. And lust.
“Oi,” I whispered.
He breathed deeply and slid his hand out of my shorts.
“Thank you.”
“Shall I just hold you?” His hand settled on my backside again, but outside my shorts.
“Yeah. Otherwise, I’m not sure I’m going to keep any clothes on.”
He snorted. “I don’t really see that as a problem. I’m quite disappointed I’ve got any on.” He smiled. “Come on, then. Bunt down. I’ll make do with just half of us being skin to skin.”
His eyes were light as he spoke, and I knew he was more happy than disappointed at our state of undress. I kissed his shoulder and snuggled down, drinking in the scent of him, relishing the feel of his fingertips stroking my back.
“I love you,” I whispered. Under my ear, I heard his heart race for a few beats.
“I love you too.”
13
I woke early, my back nestled against Faran’s chest, his arms around me, his hand loosely cupping my breast. From the unevenness of his breathing, I knew he was awake. From the unevenness of mine, he’d know I was too. He shifted behind me, and my insides fizzed. He cleared his throat and slid his hand down to my abdomen.
“Sorry,” he murmured. “I’m still not used to any of you being off-limits.”
“You’re okay. I didn’t mind.”
He kissed my neck, his lips exquisitely soft on my skin, sending shivers through me. I pressed back against him, unsurprised at the lump in his shorts, and he groaned, tracing light patterns around my navel. His teeth nipped gently.
“I do not want to just hold you.” His hand drifted upwards again.
I caught my breath and closed my eyes, relishing his touch. He rolled me on to my back and kissed my lips. A few moments later, his fingers slid over my hip, tugging my shorts down. I squirmed as his lips brushed just below my navel, and he moved away, his hand shifting back to my waist. I drew my shorts back up.
“Seriously?” He searched my face, his pupils dark lakes of desire. “What am I doing wrong?”
“You’re not doing anything wrong. What you’re doing is amazing. It’s just too soon.”
He lay on his back, and I cuddled in against him.
“What do you like now?” he said. “You used to like that.”
I winced at the strain in his voice and stroked his chest. “I do like what you were doing… and what you wanted to be doing.”
“Just not with me.” His gaze locked on the sky above us.
“I will.”
So much of me wanted to spend the time before breakfast rolling around in bed with him, but I knew how guilty I would feel afterwards. Because little by little, I was forgetting Finn, and the closer I got to Faran, the more my memories of Finn were pushed out.
I tickled Faran, trying to break the tension.
“Don’t.” He held my hand tightly, his face hard, still staring stonily at the clouds.
I kissed his shoulder. “Hm. You’re tense as hell. Is it just about the sex? Or lack of it?”
There was a long silence before he replied.
“No.” He propped his head on his hand so that he could see me better. “I mean, a lot of it is. But I don’t want you to go today.”
I rested my cheek against his chest. “I know.”
“Please let me talk to Sondan? See if he’ll let me go too?”
“And tell him what? That no one can have the talisman back, because otherwise, I’m a traitor? You heard what Lord Cerewen said about your brother. Your father may be warming to me, but you can bet your life that will fade the second he hears I’d be in Aegyir’s power if the talisman came off.” I teased my fingers through the hairs on his chest. “And anyway, what if that’s Aegyir’s plan? Get both of us out of The Realm? How do we put Aegyir in a vessel, without at least one of us here? What if it’s Aegyir who slaughtered everyone at Barsdal? He’d be strong enough to steal energy from Guardians then. We can’t leave The Realm at risk.”
He grunted, but I knew I was right.
“What about someone else then?” he persisted. “Sondan? Or—”
“Or who? Lord Sondan can’t come – he’s needed here – and the only people we trust to protect me Outside are too junior. You think Mallan would cope with Outside? I’m not going on a baby-sitting mission.” I stroked my fingertip down his cheek. “Faran, I’m scared about going. But if you can’t be with me, I’m better on my own.”
“With the time difference… we’d only be gone a short time. I could come.”
I closed my eyes. I really wanted him with me.
“No,” I whispered. “You’re needed here. Please stop saying you’ll come.”
He cuddled me to him, his body full of tension. “I hate that I can’t protect you.”
“I know.” I rubbed his chest. “Go and get a shower. You always need longer because you’re shaving.”
He stared at me, his eyes sad, and I poked him until he got out of bed. If he said he was coming Outside again, I wasn’t sure I had enough resolve to argue.
He padded to the bathroom, and the shower started. I stretched out my hand, feeling the warmth in the bed where he’d been. I didn’t want to go Outside. Not now that I knew many of Aegyir’s slaves were there. Aegyir’s sole objective was to kill everyone. If there were stones Outside, he would do everything in his power to stop me from finding them. But that son of a bitch wasn’t going to take anything else from me. I was going to destroy him, if it was the last thing I did.
The water stopped running, and I joined Faran in the bathroom. He stood by the mirror, lathering his chin, a towel around his waist. I wondered if I could borrow his razor, before remembering he used a cut throat version and I would hack myself to bits with it. He smiled at me in the mirror, but his shoulders were still tight.
“Have you ever had a beard?” I asked. “I don’t remember you with one, but that’s no guide. I still don’t remember lots of things.”
“No, I’ve never had a beard.”
I mentally scanned faces. “Is it a rule that Guardians don’t? I can’t think of anyone with one.”
“No rule. It is just assumed that we’re clean-shaven.” He caught my eye in the mirror. “Did Finn have a beard?”
“No. Stubble, frequently. But no, he never had a beard.”
“And which did you prefer? Him clean-shaven or with stubble?”
“The stubble looked good on him, but was prickly.” I tailed off. Faran sure as hell wasn’t going to want to talk about me getting stubble-burn from Finn, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to think about it, even if it was a memory of him that hadn’t faded yet. “I suppose I prefer clean-shaven. Can I ask something weird?”
He finished shaving and rinsed his face and neck. “Mm?”
“Outside, I would shave my legs and under my arms and… well, I don’t think I’d manage not to cut myself to bits if I borrowed your razor. Outside razors are different. Did I shave here?”
Faran laughed. “No. Why would you? Why is it customary for women to remove their body hair Outside?”
“I don’t know. It just is. I feel odd being hairy.”
He turned, drying his face, a smile tweaking the corner of his mouth. “I find it odd that you’re not. Why would you want to be like a child, with no hair under your arms and little hair elsewhere?”
“Oh. Was that a bit of a surprise?” I blushed. He smirked. At least I’d not had a full Brazilian.
“A little surprising.” He glanced at the clock. “You need to shower or we’ll be late. Please don’t shave?”
“Mm.” I wasn’t sure I was quite ready to embrace the idea, but it was the least of my worries, frankly.
***
Faran wouldn’t be able to see me off. He was scheduled to be in training when I left. In our rooms, we clung to one another.
“Stay safe out there,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “Come back by lunch.”
“Yeah, I will. Not least to spite Lady Morgan.”
He half laughed, my neck muffling the sound. “I love you.”
I leaned back so that I could see him. “I know. I love you too.”
&n
bsp; He tipped his head up, blinking hard. “I have to go. I’m already late.”
“You’re not going without kissing me first!”
He smiled wanly and kissed me. All too soon, he pulled away from me and walked backwards, biting his lips.
“Come back safe,” he said, his voice breaking.
“I’ll do my best.” I tried to be light, but I was terrified I’d never see him again.
Once he’d gone, I dried my tears, packed everything I thought I’d need and made my way to the Great Hall to get last instructions from Lord Sondan. I wore combat leathers – the balance between safety and being inconspicuous sitting squarely in safety’s favour.
The Great Hall was quieting down after the bustle of breakfasts, with just a handful of the cooks and serving kids milling around, tidying up. The trestle tables were stacked to one side and the benches laid out as if ready for a Council meeting. The Council was supposed to only gather in the afternoon, and I wondered whether the kitchen and hall staff got fed up of shifting the benches around on the off-chance that an extra meeting would be called.
I fingered my backpack. I’d have been lying if I’d said I wasn’t strung out, going Outside with no backup, with the sure knowledge of Aegyir having slaves there.
I added a significant portion of food to my backpack, then grabbed daggers and knives from the armoury. If I got stopped and searched by the police I’d struggle to come up with a valid reason for why I was carrying so many deadly weapons, but I’d face that if I came to it.
There was little more to discuss – go Outside, locate the stones, bring them back. If I couldn’t find any, I was still to return within seven Outside days.
“Or Faran will go searching for you, regardless of what his father says,” said Lord Sondan. “Try not to get killed.”
“Yeah, that’s high on my priority list.”
He chewed his lip. “I don’t envy you. Outside was disorientating.”
I grinned. “Not if you grew up there.”
“You grew up here, Lady Aeron.”
“I’m a child of both worlds. To be honest, Outside feels more normal than here does sometimes.”
He raised his brows, then nodded, acknowledging the point. He handed me a guide from the technicians on what to look for in any stones I found. I flicked through it. It said nothing I hadn’t already read for myself in the library.