The late afternoon found me by the river, on the rock where Jon and I had made love during a time that felt so distant now.
I felt as though I didn't even know myself anymore; the one thing I'd always been sure of had been stripped from me in a matter of mere minutes.
I stared down at the deep, slow-moving pool of water.
The day was the hottest it had been yet, the promise of summer tangible.
I remembered what it felt like to drown, how sure I had been that I would die in peace that day.
It was almost a relief, to not have control, to surrender it to the will of some unknown god.
I remembered the day Jon had told me he'd teach me to swim, how I'd felt so unsure of his feelings for me.
Now I knew without any doubt how he loved me, but was I any better off?Before I knew what I was doing, I had stripped off my boots, stockings, skirts.
I kicked aside my shift, standing at the edge of the smooth, sloping rock, the sun warm on my bare chest.
I untied my hair, letting it flow in the breeze.
I wouldn't let myself drown anymore.
It was up to me, me alone to learn to swim.
I knew I had the strength within me to do it.
I braced myself and leapt out, free-falling before I hit the icy water.
I was shocked, my body immediately responding to the cold.
I knew to hold my breath, knew I could open my eyes.
I kicked my legs rhythmically, as I'd seen Jon do.
I moved my arms, felt myself rising.
My face broke the surface as I gasped for air.
There was a loud splash beside me, disrupting my calm, causing me to sink due to my lack of concentration.
I felt familiar, sturdy arms about me, pulling me up.
We reached the surface, and I turned my wrath onto him.
""I was fine without you!"" I yelled, pushing against his bare chest, the double meaning of my words shocking, even to me.
""Aye, ye have always been fine without me, princess.
But ye need to realize that we are stronger together than apart,"" he said, cradling me, swimming us to a more shallow spot.
I wanted nothing more than to throttle his beautiful neck, to make him suffer for what he'd done.
Jon stood, the water still crashing and swirling at his chest.
Although we were surrounded by the silky, freezing water, the heat of our bodies was enough to keep me warm.
He held me as he had the night of our wedding as he'd carried me to our tent.
My fingers were locked behind his thick neck.
I stared into his black eyes, the water dripping off his alabaster skin, his midnight hair.
He smirked, snorting softly, the corner of his mouth just slipping up enough to make my stomach flip.
""Ye hate me so.
"" He said.
Goosebumps erupted across my skin.
""I love you more than life itself, Jon, but I really don't like you at the moment.
"" I said, squirming, trying to be free of his grasp.
He only held on tighter.
""Ye want me to suffer, to hurt, to ache for ye.
I see it, plain as day in yer eyes.
"" His face held no trace of emotion anymore.
""I don't know what I want anymore.
"" I growled, digging my nails into his shoulder, gripping him hard.
""I want you, so bad, but I want you to leave at the same time.
"" I shook my head, exhausted beyond belief.
""I need to make this right.
"" He said quietly.
""How can you possibly do that, when I don't even know how I feel?"" I questioned.
He dropped me for a moment, my body suspended in the water, before he gripped the backs of my thighs, wrapping my legs around him.
I blushed, putting my hands on his sturdy chest and pushing away.
It was a feeble attempt against his steady strength.
""Ye fought for me once, do ye remember?"" He asked, his lips close to mine, his other hand roaming up my back.
""On the ship, ye demanded to stay wi' me.
"" I shook my head, trying to clear my jumbled thoughts.
I felt him, eager, wanting to claim me once more.
Everything snapped into place in an instant.
Jon was mine, as much as I was his.
And it was my turn to show him that.
""You'll never lie to me again, no matter the severity of the secret.
We tell each other the truth, or be damned.
"" I growled, gripping a fistful of his hair, staring into his eyes.
A flash of fright flitted in those dark pupils.
""Aye, princess,"" he said, stumbling back, out of the water and onto the sandy bank.
He collapsed, pulling me down on top of him.
He groaned as we became one, both of us too eager to wait any longer.
The hatred, the bitterness, the anger, every ill emotion I had towards him came pouring out of my heart as I ground my hips against his.
He gripped me, his hands roaming up to meet my breasts, to tangle into my drenched hair.
""You""¦will not""¦be in command of me,"" I panted, glaring down at him.
""I am""¦not some""¦fragile woman.
"" I reached down and behind us, gripping his manhood.
His eyes widened in fear at my audacity.
He nodded repetitively.
""Aye, yer mine, and I am completely yours,"" he breathed, flipping us over in one swift movement.
He pinned my wrists above my head.
I growled with anger, which only spurred him on.
I gained freedom of one hand, reaching up and wrapping it about his throat.
It was quite pitiful, how my small hand could do no real damage, but I felt better all the same.
I trembled at my release, feeling his as well.
He collapsed onto me, both of us breathing as though we'd just sprinted from Borthwick.
He brushed a few stray hairs from my cheek, a small smile hinting at his lips.
""Do ye still hate me?"" He asked.
""Yes,"" I whispered, though we both knew I could never truly hate him, or him me.
""Well, I suppose I'll have to try harder to fix that.
"" He said, the sly look I knew all too well coming into his eyes.
He gripped my hips and flipped me over, bending to whisper in my ear, his torso flesh hot across my bare back.
""Because I love you.
"" "
"Chapter 43
I awoke to the crackling of a small fire and the dimness that twilight brought with it.
We lay on our own little beach, still entangled in one another.
Jon's heavy hand was set on my lower back, reassuring me of his steady presence.
I yawned and propped my head up, shivering despite wearing his long shirt.
He smiled at me, a small, sad look.
He reached up to brush my face with his knuckles.
""Gods, I'm a lucky man,"" he whispered, leaning in to kiss my forehead.
I blushed.
The anger in my heart had nearly dissolved, but I was thankful for it all the same.
Jon needed to realize I was capable of handling whatever secrets he held, for I had given him the courtesy of always being honest, even when it hurt.
""Aye, ye are,"" I said, attempting to mimic his accent.
He threw his head back and laughed heartily, the sound echoing off the tall trees.
The quiet rush of the river engulfed any other noise around us.
""Startin' to sound like a real clanswoman,"" he said, his rough hand sneaking down to my rear.
""Makes me want ye all over again,"" he lifted the hem of the long shirt, baring my rump to the wild.
""Not so fast,"" I said, reaching around and gripping his wrist.
He frowned.
I leaned in, our lips almost touching.
""I'm quite ravenou
s.
"" I winked.
His face shifted, darkening like the sky above.
My brow furrowed as he glanced down at the ground, searching for the right words.
""There's somethin' I must do first, princess.
"" He said.
I could hear how the words stuck in his throat.
I shifted, propping myself up more.
""I must""¦tell ye, of the things that have happened to me.
Or I fear my soul will never truly be yours.
"" He whispered, his voice gruff.
My heart thumped faster.
He looked to me, his black eyes full of the horrors of his past.
I nodded once, allowing him to continue without my input.
I knew what it felt like, the need to speak and to have someone you love absorb the sorrow and the pain, because you cannot bare it on your own.
""He""¦Viktor, he used other women""¦to break me.
"" He whispered.
I felt the tightness of my throat, knowing tears were coming but knowing I must be strong for him in this moment.
I nodded again, having already heard this from the mouth of the most vile creature.
Jon stared at his hands.
""I tried everythin' I could to save them.
I hate myself, for not bein' able to do anythin' but scream in that damn cell he kept me in.
"" I wanted to reach out to him, to touch his face""”to show him I was there, but I couldn't.
""Viktor would rather torture people's minds, not so much their bodies.
He found one woman, with red hair.
From the distance I thought it was you.
I nearly killed myself to get to ye,"" he whispered, his eyes flashing up to mine, engulfing me in their depths.
""He left her, dying, just out of my reach.
He told me that when he found ye, he'd do worse,"" he swallowed hard.
""I've known every form of torture there is.
Burning, breaking, beating.
I can handle it all, but my body means nothing without my heart and soul.
And the thought of havin' ye taken from me in that way was enough for me to wish for death.
"" He said.
I hadn't realized I was crying until my tears landed on my arm.
""I'm a coward, wishin' for death, when you were out there tryin' to find me, while innocent women died before my eyes.
While ye lost our child,"" he reached for my face, and I leaned into his warmth.
""Everythin' I do is to protect ye, but I can't do it alone anymore, princess.
I know yer strong enough, and I've failed ye by not seein' that sooner.
"" ""Oh Jon,"" I whispered, reaching up to his face now, feeling the warmth of his cheek.
""No matter what you do, you could never fail me.
"" I said.
He smirked his infamous smirk, casting his eyes to the ground.
""I have failed ye, but I am goin' to set things right.
"" He said, straightening up.
My heart stopped at his words, premonition tingling through my veins.
""Come, there's someone ye need to meet.
"" We carefully made our way through the darkened woods, Jon gripping my trembling hand.
Whether I was ready or not, I was about to meet the ever-present ghost of my past and present.
""Boo-dik-uh?"" I questioned for the thousandth time.
Her name was strange on my tongue, but evoked strong and relentless emotions.
Jon snorted softly.
""Aye, princess.
"" ""Boudica.
"" I whispered to myself.
I knew I wasn't prepared to meet her, but I had a deep need to do so.
To see if she truly was my mother.
I could picture her clearly, leaving me hints, leading me to her.
There was a small circle of light ahead, a fire in a clearing deep in the woods.
I stopped, Jon still walking ahead.
He turned when he felt the tug of my hand.
""I""¦I""¦"" I stuttered.
""Ye don't have to meet her, if yer no ready,"" he said, taking my face in his hand.
""I am, it's just""¦"" He quirked an eyebrow.
""My life is about to change, forever.
Shouldn't I be more intentional about this?"" I asked, staring up at my husband.
He smiled softly, leaning down to kiss my forehead.
""Yer bein' plenty intentional.
Everything she has done in her life was for you, Elise.
She loves ye more than the world, but I think it will take ye both some time to learn to trust one another.
"" I chewed my lip, nodding absentmindedly.
He gave my hand a slight pull, continuing us forward.
We broke through the trees into the clearing.
And there she was.
I still wasn't prepared for the sight of her.
The ghost.
She stood across the fire, wearing black from head to toe.
Her tall boots were scratched but shiny in the firelight.
I could see her shaking hands from where I stood, though she tried to hide them.
My heart clenched.
Already, our mannerisms were alike.
Her fiery hair flowed free to her waist.
She was taller than me, slender, her eyes blue and crinkled around the edges.
Her skin was pale and clear, her lips parted.
I let go of Jon, walking forward without realizing.
She did the same, skirting around the small fire.
Finally, we stood within inches of one another.
Any doubts I had in Jon's story of my true parentage fled as I stared into her eyes.
The strange gap in my life that had always existed with no explanation seemed to fill in that moment, and everything made sense.
The way my father doted on me, the way my mother and I had never truly gotten along, the way my grandmother smiled slyly as she looked at me.
She reached out a hand, her fingertips just brushing my cheekbone.
My eyes fluttered, tears sticking to my lashes.
""I know those eyes,"" she whispered, her voice clear and strong and melodic.
I could only nod slightly, not trusting my voice to be as robust as hers.
She held out her hand, opening her fingers to reveal something shiny and silver.
I glanced down, my eyes catching the glint of the circular crest.
A proud mare stood in the center, her front hoof raised, encircled by endless knots.
My chest seemed to swell with pride.
""This is yers,"" she said softly, grabbing my wrist.
I opened my palm as she placed it in my hand, the crest warm from her touch.
""Elise,"" she said, smiling slightly, the corner of her mouth dimpling much like my own.
My heart couldn't seem to settle on one emotion.
""Yer father gave ye that name.
It suits ye, even though it's a mountain one.
"" She said.
I felt my eyes water at the mention of my father.
I wondered how deeply they had loved one another""”and if they still did.
Her smile faltered.
""I""¦I want ye to know that I""¦I tried everythin' I could to save ye, to give ye the life of a free woman.
"" She said, her tongue curling around the ""˜r' consonants, her accent much deeper than Jon's.
I reached to her, slowly, still unsure she was real.
I placed my hand on hers.
I felt her pulse beneath my fingers.
""I forgive you.
"" I whispered, knowing she was seeking absolution for her sins.
Her hand flew to her mouth, tears springing forth.
She glanced past me, to Jon.
I felt him at my elbow.
I tried to draw steady strength from him.
""I owe ye my life a thousand times over,"" she sa
id, reaching for him.
He leaned past me, engulfing her slender hand in his.
""I made a promise,"" he nodded to her.
""I gave ye my word and I always keep it.
"" She let go of any inhibitions she may have had and pulled me into her arms.
I slowly returned her hug, the embrace feeling more natural than I thought would be possible.
She brushed her hand over my hair, the exact same shade as hers.
Father's hair was dark, deep red.
Mother's was light, nearly blond tinged with strawberry.
Both parents who raised me had eyes the color of an orange sunset, just before dark.
""Yer as beautiful as the day ye were born,"" she sniffed, pulling me back to stare at me.
""I labored with ye for two days, ye wee faery.
"" She smiled.
I was unsure exactly what a faery was, but I sensed it was an endearing term.
I heard Jon snort beside me.
I resisted the urge to step on his foot.
""How is any of this possible?"" I shook my head, stepping back a pace, overwhelmed to the maximum extent.
Jon nudged me forward.
""Let's sit and talk, eh?"" And so we talked.
For hours.
Until the sun was peeking above the horizon.
I'd been awake for nearly two days now, having only slept a handful of hours in between the most important points of my life.
My true mother had always been a clanswoman, daughter to the leader of the most powerful clan in existence at its peak, during her teenage years.
She'd met my father at the age of fifteen, while he was on a raid.
They fell for one another, were married in secret.
My father was betrothed to another, Elaina.
He tried to persuade my grandfather to postpone the marriage, but he refused.
He then tried in vain to have it annulled, which only caused my grandfather to become suspicious.
To save Boudica, he vowed never to see her again.
Only she had become pregnant.
As Jon had said, I replaced Elaina's dead child, and no one was the wiser.
My real mother admitted to the hatred that had grown in her heart, towards my father, then my grandfather, then the entirety elf the mountain, until she hated the world.
""My clan dwindled to near nothin' after yer tyrant grandfather killed my father and brothers in battle.
I was too young to have a mind for war, but I learned.
We retreated into the abandoned mountain, ye commoners call it Phantom Peak,"" she laughed.
""Anyone who comes near enough dies swiftly.
Falling for Him Page 29