by lanie love
“No, that's not what happened.”
“I can't do this anymore. This is done. Whatever this is, whatever we were, we're done.”
“What? But you said you understood. You said you would wait for me.” All my bravado about not wanting to blur lines and keeping it about business has flown right out the window.
“I have. I still am. Fuck,” he yells. “I’ll always wait for you, Sage. I will always want you. I will always be here for you, but I have to think about myself now. Tonight, at that damn club, seeing you. Jesus, you have no idea what this is doing to me. You’ve got me jacking off with your panties wrapped around my dick, for fuck sakes.”
“I'm sorry,” I say, crying.
“Goodbye, Sage,” he sighs, then quickly hangs up on me.
I stand trying to catch my breath. I don’t even understand how my heart is still beating right now. I feel like it’s been torn out and stomped on. I slam the phone down in the drawer not even caring if I broke it.
****
The sun is up and I’m still pretty much how JR. left me when he walks back in. He walks to the fridge, grabs a beer, and gulps it down. I sit down at the table to wait for him.
“JR,” I say when he sits down across from me.
“Did you fuck him?”
“No.” I shake my head, thanking God I can at least say that much is true.
“But something happened. Did he take advantage of you?”
“No, he wouldn’t do that.”
“Then what, Sage?”
“He and I, tonight, it wasn't the first time we met.”
“I know that.”
“Yeah, but… God JR this is so hard to say because I know you’re going to hate me. I deserve it, I know I do, but I really do love you and I was doing it for you, for us.”
“Doing what? What the hell did you do?”
“I've been keeping this secret and I went to this bar for help. Adrian Finch was there and he was coming on to me. Mr. Wade saved me and I thought he could help me with telling you. It just happened. I didn't mean for it to go the way it has. It was just business.”
“Stop,” he says. “All this talking in circles is making my head spin. Let me get this straight. You went to a club?”
“A BDSM club.”
“A what?”
“A Bondage, dominance, sadism, and masochism club.”
“Why the hell were you there?”
“Kelsey knew a guy who was in it.”
“Oh, of course, Kelsey.”
“No, it wasn't her fault. She was just trying to help.”
“Wait, Adrian Finch was there trying to get into your panties,” he asks and I nod. “And Wade was there? He's into that fucked up shit? It figures.”
“No. I ran into him on the street trying to get away from Finch.” My God, I’m still lying. Even though Kent Wade just ended whatever it was we had, I can’t stop myself from the urge to protect him.
“He was chasing you? And now you’re working for that psychopath?”
“No, he was just drunk and he apologized, it’s okay now,” I say. “We're getting off track.”
“Okay, uh,” he says, trying to remember the point. “You have a secret?”
I take a deep breath and stand. With shaky hands, I show him my stomach. He has to look hard, but he can see the cuts on me. He looks up at me in question.
“I used to cut myself.”
“What? Why?”
“I need to do it to become aroused… sexually,” I say. His head yanks back when the weight of my words hit him. He gets up and walks to the kitchen counter. “Are you okay? Do you want me to stop talking?”
“No, I'm good, “he says, turning around to face me. I can tell by the color draining from him that he is nowhere near good. “When did this….” He stops and waves his hands over me. “When did you start this?”
“When you and I became serious. You wanted me to enjoy myself and I couldn’t until I cut myself first. I was so ashamed. I knew it would disgust you, so I hid it. I've been hiding it. That's why I didn't want you to see me naked because I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to tell you I needed to hurt myself. I didn’t want you to know I couldn’t come for you.” It all comes out like word vomit. Big cleansing projectiles of truth.
“You used to want me to hit you when we were going at it. Is that why?”
“Yeah,” I whisper. “I went to that club to find out about BDSM because I thought we could learn how to do it together so that I wouldn't have to cut myself.”
“BDSM? Bondage, dominance, sadism, masochism? You thought I would do that shit to you? Holy hell, Sage, I can't.”
“I know,” I whisper in defeat. “Looking back on it now, it was a really stupid idea. I was just desperate to keep you and to keep us together.”
“You thought that I wouldn't understand this,” he asks, looking extremely hurt. “My God, Sweetheart, do you think that little of me?”
“JR, I'm sorry.” I wipe at my tears. “I just screwed up. I’m so screwed up.”
“It's fine.” He shakes his head. “So where does Kent Wade fit into all this? You told him your secret, right? How could he possibly help you with cutting and BDSM and all?”
“Wh... Well, he knew of a few people who were into BDSM and like pain. He was trying to teach me different ways to cope with it.”
“How was he helping you cope with it? Maybe I could help too?”
“Just a lot of breathing and rubber band snapping. You know, textbook stuff.”
“So, what the hell were you two doing tonight, Sage? Huh? And don't sit there and tell me you two were pulling rubber bands in the damn bathroom.”
I… like I said, he has been helping me and we've gotten close. I didn't mean to get close to him, but I did… JR. I'm so sorry. I never planned that to happen. I didn't have sex with him. We were just fooling around. But JR, it's over. As of tonight, him helping me is over.”
“How could you do this?”
“I was just desperate to keep what you and I have.”
“You were desperate to keep me so you turned to another man. How the hell was that supposed to work, huh? From how you two looked tonight, you seemed into him. What is it his money? Is that why?”
“No. You know me better than that, JR.”
“Oh, do I? Up until a few hours ago, I thought I knew you were faithful to me, but we both know what a fool I was about that. So, now I’m supposed to know better about you wanting him for money?”
“Yes. I didn't even know who he was until I googled him.”
“You googled him? So, this was before you even knew he was related to Allie’s guy? How long has this been going on, Sage?” No answer. My mouth is open, but my brain can’t think of the words to say. “How long,” he yells. A week? A month?” No answer. “Aw, to hell with this, I'm done,” he says, holding up his hands in surrender and walking away.
“What? No, wait, JR.” I call after him in vain.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Ritz Carlton, Downtown Los Angeles
Kent Wade’s Apartment
Kent Wade
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting alone at my kitchen table, but when I first got here it was pitch black. Now, sunlight has found me. I pay it no mind as I swirl the drink, down it, and pour another.
“Kenny,” Aaron calls for me from the living room. “Where you at, Bro?”
“In here,” I yell.
“Dude, seriously,” he says, walking in on me and my bottle of scotch. “It’s eight in the damn morning and you’re in here drowning sorrows?” He opens the fridge. “Wait, does this have to do with Jen? I told you to let that chick go,” he says, sticking his head in to scan the food contents.
“Fuck Jen,” I yell at him, pissed off that he would mention her. “What are you doing here, anyway?”
“I came to check on you and to find out what that was all about last night,” he says, turning his head so I can hear him. “You got pizza. Did Mable make this for you?” I
nod. He takes the pizza out along with two beers and brings it all over to the table, taking my scotch away. “If I didn’t love my girl so much, I would marry her,” he declares as he takes a bite of pizza. “I’ve been crushing on her since I was ten.”
“Get the fuck out here,” I say, raising an eyebrow. He grins at me with a mouth full of pizza.
“Real talk,” he says. “Ever since she let our babysitter have it for starving us. That bitch couldn’t cook worth a shit. How do you fuck up instant oatmeal? Thank God, Julia came along.”
“Fuck Julia.”
“Allie wants me to smooth things over with Dad.”
“Fuck Dad,” I tell him and he studies me trying to figure out my mood.
“Alright, lay it on me,” he says as he puts down the pizza and positions himself to listen to me. “Let your big brother work it out.”
I have to laugh. As a kid whenever I had a problem I couldn't handle, I would go to him and he would say that to me. I would relax knowing that he would most certainly work it out for me. Most of the time it meant taking the blame for something I did wrong or helping keep it a secret from Mom and Dad. Unfortunately, my big brother can't fix this one for me.
“Two words: Sage Turner,” I tell him and he frowns in thought.
“Sage? Jake's Sage,” he says, and I roll my eyes. “You two hooked up? Hold the fuck up. Are you serious? Man, I thought my girl was crazy when she said you two were into each other.”
“When did she say that?”
“When you all met that day over here. Allie swore you all had fireworks in the elevator or some shit. She was set to go with nudging Sage in your direction.”
“Why the fuck didn’t she?”
“I told her not to.”
“Why the fuck did you do that?”
“Because I thought she was imagining the whole thing. You know my girl. She has stars in her eyes. Shit, man,” he says, shaking his head at me. “I can’t believe it.”
“Let it go, will you?”
“Okay, but hey, listen, while we are on the subject of sex and women, there is something I got to tell you.”
“You can't get it up,” I say with a straight face and he gives me the finger.
“Jen,” he says her name.
“Aw, fuck, come on already.”
“She told me some shit about you. I let it go as her being drunk and running her mouth, but since that stunt she pulled with mom and then breaking in here, I think I should tell you just in case she brings it up again.”
“What did she say about me?”
“She said you’re into some kinky type of shit. Spanking girls and causing them pain and shit.”
“That fucking bitch.” I am seething. That bitch just will not leave me the fuck alone.
“I thought she meant that you were beating her up until Allie explained what it was.”
“Allie? For fuck sakes, you told Allie that shit?”
“Allie saw her being all submissive with me in the boathouse,” he reminds me. “She said it was some type of sex slave roleplay. That BDSM shit people are into now.”
“Allie knew what that was? How?”
“From reading books, I guess,” he shrugs.
“From reading books, you guess. Don't you even want to know if your girl was into kink before she was with you?”
“She wasn’t.”
“How the hell do you know? Keep in mind this is the same girl who I walked in on having a threesome with you.”
“Yeah, and she was a damn virgin, okay,” he blurts out. “Shit.”
“Son of a bitch. No fucking way. Are you fucking serious?” I look at him for any sign of bullshit, but the asshole is being honest. “Damn, I can't believe I missed out on—”
“Hey,” he says, ready to kick my ass.
“I’m kidding,” I tell him. “Way to go on popping that cherry, though, Big Brother.”
“ Shut up. And don't tell her I told you.”
“Yeah, like she and I are ever going to have that kind of talk,” I laugh.
“What are you going to do about Jen,” he asks. “You think she's going to keep causing trouble?”
“Not as long as she's sober,” I say. “But if she does, I'll sic Allie on her.”
We laugh, remembering Allie slapping Jen for messing with what's hers.
****
Feeling better, I pop open my beer and grab a slice of pizza.
“So, Sage is the one that had you romancing scotch all night, huh,” he says, opening his own beer. “You must really like her.”
“It’s complicated.”
“It always is. From what I know of Sage, she’s good people.”
“She is. She’s just… she’s a lot like me.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“No, it’s just… complicated.”
“Listen, the way I see it is, if this girl has you like this, I think you should go for it. I mean, look at you. All broken down and fucked up and shit. If she's got you feeling this way, hell, if she's got you feeling at all, you need to grab hold of this girl.”
“She chose Jacob.”
“Bullshit,” he says, getting up grabbing another slice of pizza as he walks away. “Don’t get me wrong. I like Jake, but he’s not my brother. My money is always on you.”
“Thanks,” I say.
“Just make sure it's worth the trouble of hurting that dude, Baby Bro. And whatever you do, don’t hurt Sage. She’s family by way of Allie, so don’t screw her around.”
“You and Allie need to mind your own damn business.”
“Easy for you to say. TTYL,” he yells back at me as he heads for the elevator.
****
Three weeks later
Downtown Los Angeles
Sage Turner’s Loft
Sage Turner
Three weeks have passed since JR found out that I was keeping secrets from him. We haven't talked about it much. We both want to put it behind us and focus on making our relationship work again. I know we can get it back to where we were before all this happened. We were in love and happy. He believes me when I tell him I haven’t had contact with Mr. Wade. Especially since it was confirmed by Aaron when he, Allie, and I dropped by for dinner at the Ivy. It was a little get-together before the two of them take their cruise.
It felt good being with our friends just having a nice normal dinner, with none of the drama that happened last time we were all together. JR and I have started to relax a little more around each other. We are slowly but surely getting back to the way we were when we first met, but now, there are no secrets between us. He hates BDSM, but he’s trying to be open to it if it stops me from cutting. He had a nightmare the other day, but he didn’t tell me what it was about. I think all this has triggered memories of his dad. We’re both trying so hard to put everything aside and be there for each other. I know we will start to fall in love again and we are going to be stronger than ever.
Allison Moore
God, seeing those two at dinner was pure hell. I hated sitting there being a witness to the total bullshit that is Jacob and Sage. I know her. I can take one look at her and tell she is freaking miserable. I try to talk to her about it, but she won’t say a thing as to how she really feels. Kent won’t get into detail about what happened that night at his grand opening between the two of them. He’s trying to protect Sage. Just him doing that alone, shows me that he cares about her. I swear she has turned into some damn Stepford wife, or something. There is no emotion at all from her anymore, it’s like this bastard has cloned her, and the true Sage is nowhere to be found. I am so worried about my best friend. I wish I could do something to help her.
****
Aaron Wade
This is just some fucked up shit all around. Jake has his head so far up his ass in denial. He can't even see the big neon sign flashing in front of his face saying “YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED—GET OUT NOW.” He pulled me aside and asked me if Sage was still seeing Kent. I mean seriousl
y, you need me to confirm this for you. That's not telling you something dude? And fucking no, my dickhead of a brother has cut off all communication with Sage. He won't even mention her name. It's like she never happened. But what's killing me is that he has become totally withdrawn. Brooke called me upset, saying that she hasn't heard from him in days. He won't even come to dinner at the old house anymore. Sure, he makes his excuses, emergencies at work and all that, but I know the truth. I haven't seen him like this since he first came back from college. I'm worried about my baby brother.
****
Peninsula Bayside Beach, Long Beach
Julia Moore’s House
Julia Moore
"Julia, how many times do we have to go over this," Jay asks, getting more and more frustrated with me by the second. "I was just confused. I needed closure."
"I told you, Jay," I cry. "I told you we would never work."
"Julia, I don't know if this is some type of pregnancy hormone reaction or what," he accuses me.
"Pregnancy hormones," I spit back at him, insulted. "I’m packing to go to the hospital and give birth to your son, with the knowledge that you’ve been thinking about your ex-wife and it’s pregnancy hormones when I get upset?"
"Julia, please, calm down. Why do we have to keep going over this? I really wish you would stop harping on it.”
“Harping? You are thinking about Kathleen so much that you called her? Don’t tell me to calm down.”
“I thought you’d want me to be honest with you. Would it have been better if I kept it from you? Maybe I should have the way you keep using it to attack me.”
"Do you even want to marry me," I ask him, terrified of his answer.
I have risked so much for this relationship. I nearly lost my daughter and my business. I truly lost my best friend. I can't lose him now and have it all be in vain.
"Of course, I do," he says, and I let go of the breath I was holding. "Julia, I love you, that hasn't changed. I just feel that I didn't get the closure I needed from Kathleen. It all happened so fast when she and Brooke overheard us in the bathroom. I thought I had time. Add that to the fact that my sons have all but cut me out of their lives. I just feel like a worthless piece of shit right now."
"So, this has nothing to do with Kathleen seeing Phil," I ask him. "This has nothing to do with her looking so wonderful and I'm here looking like a cow?"