by A. J. Markam
Alaria frowned. “You stepped away into the woods and laughed – because of nothing?”
“Oh,” I said, realizing she’d meant what I’d just done in the last 60 seconds. “It was, um, someone from my world contacting me. A girl who’s helping me out with the riddles.”
Alaria raised one eyebrow. “A girl?”
She sounded suspicious and disapproving.
My stomach twisted with guilt. “Someone who works with me, yeah.”
“You work with little girls?”
The way she said it was disturbing, like she was implying something.
“No! She’s a woman! Like, 23 or 24!”
“Oh,” Alaria said, and any trace of suspicion vanished. “Well, that’s fine. What’s her name?”
“Luna.”
“Oh – you mentioned her before!” Alaria said happily. “You said it was a slip of the tongue!”
Oh shit… I had. Back in the Northern Barrens, in the cave with Eluun.
“Yeah, well, I talked to her when I went away that one time.”
“Oh,” Alaria said, like that settled the matter.
I stood there looking at her, expecting more questions.
None came.
“Okay… let’s go,” I said, and our entire group walked out of the woods and into the grassy field.
We weren’t 50 feet along when Alaria asked, “So, have you slept with her yet?”
If I’d been drinking a glass of water, I would have done a spit take.
“What?! No!”
“Why not? Is she a lesbian?”
“No!”
“How can you be sure?”
I didn’t want to say, Because she keeps hitting on me, so I searched for another reason.
Luckily, one presented itself right away.
“Well, she decorates her work area with pictures of penises.”
“Ohhhhhh,” Alaria cooed. “My kind of woman.”
“Ha ha,” I said, not laughing at all.
“And you’re alright with that?”
“What do you mean? It’s her desk.”
“Yes, but we know how sensitive you are about other men potentially sleeping with your sexual partners,” Alaria said matter-of-factly. “So if she’s sleeping with all these other men – ”
“She’s not sleeping with them.”
“How does she have pictures of their penises, then?”
How do you explain screenshots to a videogame character in a fantasy world?
“Just trust me, she’s not sleeping with them.”
“How do you know?” she persisted.
Because they’re video game characters! I wanted to say – but that wouldn’t mean anything to Alaria.
Then I realized that Alaria was a videogame character, and I was sleeping with her…
So there was no reason that Luna couldn’t be fucking some of those schlongs I’d seen.
I frowned.
I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
I mean, Luna was pretty chill about the fact that I was sleeping with a woman with enormous breasts and a perfect body.
I should be fine with the fact that she might be a size queen in the virtual world… right?
Don’t worry, she’d said. I know the difference between reality and fantasy. Do you?
That was a good question.
I was beginning to wonder if I did or not.
“What are thinking about?” Alaria said.
“What?” I asked, coming out of my daze.
“Half a dozen different emotions played across your face,” Alaria said. “You’re really interested in this woman, aren’t you?”
“What?! I – ”
I really didn’t want to be discussing this right now.
Not right before we were about to do something really dangerous, like potentially face off against a warlock who had been destroying cities and slaughtering innocents.
Actually, to be honest, I didn’t want have this discussion, ever.
Which meant I probably should.
I sighed. “…yeah… I kind of am. Interested in her.”
Alaria nodded. “Good.”
I looked at her in shock. “What?!”
“I said ‘good.’”
“Yeah, I know, but – ”
“But what?”
“Aren’t you upset?”
Alaria reacted like I’d just said something outrageously strange. “Upset?! Why would I be upset?!”
“I mean… you don’t want me sleeping with other women, do you?”
“You sleep with other women all the time.”
“I mean, when I’m not with you.”
“You sleep with other women when you’re not with me.”
I looked at her in surprise. “What? When?”
Alaria started counting on her fingers. “Well, Meera, for one.”
“Yes,” Meera agreed happily.
I hadn’t realized that she and Eluun were listening intently.
“We sleep with each other – you, me, and her!” I said to Alaria.
“Not when you first met her.”
“We were on a break!” I shouted, channeling my inner Ross.
“Then there was the Duchess of Vos,” Alaria said.
“You were a dungeon crystal at the time!”
“You were still sleeping with her without me. And there were those nuns from the Church of Eternity.”
She was talking about the women that Urik, the Peter Dinklage lookalike scheming to take over Vos, had bribed me with in order to help him.
“Yeah, but – ”
“And there were those three frost elves I found you fucking when Stig and I came to rescue you.”
“Ugh,” Stig moaned.
“I was tied up!” I protested.
“You were?” Meera exclaimed, suddenly very interested.
Eluun piped up helpfully. “And when you stayed with us in the North after you defeated Saykir, there were plenty of frost elves you fucked when Alaria wasn’t with you.”
I sighed. “Okay, OKAY, yes, I guess I have slept with other women.”
“So why is this one any different?” Alaria asked.
How do you tell your videogame girlfriend that it’s different because The other chick isn’t made out of zeroes and ones?
“…I don’t know…” I grumbled.
Alaria looked at me askance. “You don’t… love her, do you?”
“What?! No! I haven’t even asked her out yet!”
“Asked her out of what? Her clothes?”
“NO! On a date!”
“Is that an expression? ‘Asked out’?”
“Ugh, expressions,” Stig groaned.
“Yes, it’s an expression!”
“Oh. Well, you should definitely ask her out, then. And out of her clothes, too.” Alaria smirked, then hip-checked me. “As long as you tell me all of the details afterwards.”
“Me too!” Meera chirped.
“I wouldn’t mind knowing, as well,” Eluun said.
“Alright, alright,” I grumbled – although I was relieved.
But one other thing still bothered me.
“Um…” I started, then stopped.
“Yes?” Alaria asked.
“Say, purely hypothetically, that one day I met a woman from my world… and I did fall in love with her. I’m not in love with Luna at all,” I said hurriedly, “but… say it happened one day. How would you feel about that?”
“I’d be happy for you!”
“…really?!”
“Why wouldn’t I be happy for you? I know you can’t spend all your time in this world, so why wouldn’t I want you to have someone to love when you’re not here?”
“Yeah, but – you wouldn’t be jealous?”
“Mmm, maybe a little… but that could be hot,” Alaria said, and ran her tongue sexily over the edge of her top teeth. “I’d have to fuck you even more to make sure you stayed mine.”
Well, hell – with an incentive lik
e that, it might be a good idea to go fall in love back home.
Suddenly Alaria frowned and stopped walking. “Wait – you wouldn’t stop coming back here to me, would you?”
“What?! HELL no.”
“Oh, good,” she said, relieved. Then she got a mischievous look in her eye. “Soooo… if you can fall in love with someone else… that means I can, too, right?”
I knew where she was going with this.
And I totally knew she was yanking my chain.
So I played along… sort of.
“Sure,” I said nonchalantly. “I know you love Meera.”
“Awwwwww,” Meera said sappily.
Alaria laughed. She knew what I was doing, too – and so she made her next move.
“It’s true, I do love Meera… but what if I loved someone else?”
I shrugged. “I’m okay with you loving Eluun, too.”
Alaria grinned. “Good, because I do love Eluun – ”
“I love you, as well,” Eluun replied with a big smile.
“Thank you, sexy,” Alaria cooed, then turned back to me. “But what if I loved a male?”
“That’s okay,” I said magnanimously. “You can love Stig.”
“EW!” Stig shouted.
“Shhhh,” I shushed him. We were approaching the ships, after all.
“I like Stiggie, but I’m never going to love him,” Alaria said, amused. “Not that way.”
“GOOD,” the imp grumped.
“No – I meant if I fell in love with a man. A human.”
I arched one eyebrow. “Why, you got your eye on somebody?”
“‘Somebody’? More like twenty or thirty of them, actually – ”
“Oh yeah?! I got your twenty or thirty right here!” I said, half laughing, half pissed, as I smacked her ass with my open palm.
She giggled, then turned around and draped her arms over my shoulders. “You know I’m only joking, right?”
“Uh huh,” I said with squinted eyes like I didn’t believe her, even though I did.
She cocked her head to the side, smiled lovingly, and gazed into my eyes. “Ian, you were the first man I’ve ever loved. What am I saying? You’re the ONLY man I’ve ever loved, or ever will love. And that’s the truth.”
I put my arms around her waist and pulled her to me. “You know I’m totally, completely in love with you, right? And that will never, ever change.”
She smiled and put her forehead against mine. “I know.”
Then we kissed, accompanied by a chorus of Awwwwws from Eluun and Meera, and a Blechh from Stig.
Afterwards I held Alaria’s hand as we continued on our way.
She was a hell of a girlfriend, and I was lucky to have her, no matter what world I was in.
Five minutes later, we finally reached the ships.
The black ones loomed above us, hovering still in the air. It was like we were on the bottom of an invisible ocean staring up at them.
There was no one on the ground, and no crew members visible on any of the dry-docked ships.
We got right up under the Revenge, which was easy to pick out: it was the only ship in the air that had an intact hull. Strangely, though, its engines weren’t running – which should have been impossible. Airships needed to run their turbines, or they came crashing down to earth. Maybe the eerie glow that surrounded all the airborne ships was some sort of spell that kept them aloft.
“Let’s go up on the Revenge and have a look around,” I said to the others. “Maybe we can find Tarka and force her to tell us what’s going on.”
I used the magic carpet as an express elevator for me, Eluun, and Stig, and Alaria and Meera flew up to the ship on their own.
We all stopped right at the railing and peeked over the edge. Nobody was topside, so we quietly boarded and moved towards the stairs that led down into the hold.
“Meera, you and Eluun keep watch up here. Alaria, Stig, and I know the ship, so we’ll go look around below decks. If somebody comes aboard, don’t engage them – come get me and Alaria. If you hear me yell for you, come running. Got it?”
Meera and Eluun nodded, and I set off with Alaria and Stig down below.
We moved through the mess hall, where the pirates had taken their meals, and down a hallway for storage. Finally we arrived at the captain’s quarters, which consisted of two separate rooms: an ornate office made of polished mahogany with a desk and dining table, and sleeping quarters with a four-poster bed.
Alaria and I had spent a lot of time on that bed… though very little of it sleeping.
I smiled as I looked around. “Lot of good memories in here.”
“Oh yes,” Alaria agreed as she put an arm over my shoulder and leaned against me.
“Bleh,” Stig said, disgusted, then jerked his thumb over his shoulder. “Lotta good memories back there.”
“What, in the mess?”
“In the crew quarters,” Stig answered.
“You were drunk off your ass most of the time.”
“I know,” Stig said wistfully, like he was remembering a long-lost love.
“Well, she’s not in here,” I said, and walked out of the captain’s quarters into the hallway. “Let’s go check out the rest of the ship.”
Suddenly there was a fwip sound off to my side as a steel rapier slashed through the air and paused at my throat, the sharp metal tip pressing right up against my skin.
A woman stood there holding the sword – a tall, olive-skinned woman with a wild mane of dark brown hair. Her green dress was slit up the sides all the way to her hips, and the plunging V-neck gave a great view of her substantial rack.
Last time I’d seen her, she’d worn a knotted bandana over her eye – but now it was a black eyepatch. Her good eye squinted in amusement as she smirked at me.
“I think you mean MY ship, boy,” Tarka drawled.
18
“Hi, Tarka,” I said calmly.
“Uh oh,” Stig muttered behind me. He and Alaria were still back in the captain’s quarters, and I was blocking the way.
I heard the whompf! of a fireball lighting up in Alaria’s palm.
“Stop, you bitch,” Tarka snarled, “or I’ll cut him a second mouth and a bloody one at that!”
I wasn’t too worried about Tarka killing me – if she even could. I kind of doubted that slashing my throat would immediately reduce my hit points to zero, which meant I could use Soul Suck on her to replenish my Health. If worse came to worst, I would just resurrect a mile away and come racing back on my magic carpet.
No – what I was most worried about was having to fight Tarka before getting any intel out of her.
“Alaria, stand down,” I ordered.
There was a second’s pause as she hesitated…
Then the sound of the fireball petered out like somebody turning down a gas stovetop until the flame extinguished with a poof!
“Wise move,” Tarka sneered.
“We don’t want any trouble,” I said.
“Too bad, because you’ve found it.”
“We’re not here to kill you. You and me, we’re good.”
“Mm-hmm. And I’m sure this has nothing to do with my ship.” Tarka leaned her head over and glanced behind me into the captain’s quarters. “Is that damned traitor Krug with you?”
“No, we had a falling out. As far as I’m concerned, the Revenge is all yours.”
“How very generous of you,” she said sarcastically.
“Well, I’m in a generous mood. What with your sword at my throat and all.”
“If you don’t want me or my ship, then why are you here?”
“I just want some information about Nix.”
Tarka frowned. “Who?”
“The warlock you teamed up with. The one who helped you kill Krug and the others.”
Immediately Tarka’s olive-skin went visibly paler, and the belligerence faded from her features.
“I don’t…” she mumbled, then stopped.
“Wh
at?”
“He’s looking for you, you know.” She looked ill as she said it.
“Yeah, I kind of figured that out,” I said drily. “If Nix isn’t his name, then what is it?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” I asked, incredulous.
“What, are you deaf? He didn’t tell me.”
“You didn’t ask?”
“Of course I asked. He wouldn’t tell me. Said all I needed to know was he would set me free, get me back my ship, and give me a crew, if I…”
She trailed off into silence.
“If you what?”
“If I threw in my lot with him and pledged myself to his cause.”
“Which is what – going around destroying cities and slaughtering people?”
“I never wanted any of that,” she insisted. “I’m a pirate. I steal. I kill when I have to, but I don’t go around murderin’ for the fun of it.”
“You killed Krug and the others,” Alaria said angrily.
“They took my damn ship!” Tarka roared. “And you GAVE it to them!”
“Well, I gave you something else,” I said with a hint of a smile. “Gave it to you good.”
Tarka looked at me, surprised… then dropped her eyes to my crotch and smiled lasciviously. “Aye, ya did at that. Pity you’re gonna die before you can give it to me again.”
“You don’t have to kill me.”
She went serious again. “I’m not the one who’s gonna kill you.”
“The unnamed warlock.”
“Aye.”
“What’s he look like, at least?”
A visible shudder ran through her. “A monstrous, bent-over thing… made out of shadow, with eyes like two moons…”
Okay, that sounded weird.
“Ring a bell, Alaria?” I asked.
“…no…”
Was this guy even one of her ex-masters? Maybe I’d gotten it wrong.
No, he had to be… the riddles backed it up.
One in nine and all that…
The game had to be concealing his identity for a reason, though.
“Is he on board?” I asked Tarka.
“No.”
“What about your crew?”
“They’re his men, not mine.” She looked angry. “And they’re all with him.”
“Black skeletons?”
“Aye.”
“Where are they?”
“Down with the Dungeon Guild.”
“Is they working together?”