by T. Smollett
He is also, by their device, engaged in an Adventure with the Exciseman,who does not find his Account in his own Drollery.
Howsomever preposterous and unaccountable that passion may be whichprompts persons, otherwise generous and sympathizing, to afflictand perplex their fellow-creatures, certain it is, our confederatesentertained such a large proportion of it, that not satisfied with thepranks they had already played, they still persecuted the commodorewithout ceasing. In the course of his own history, the particulars ofwhich he delighted to recount, he had often rehearsed an adventure ofdeer-stealing, in which, during the unthinking impetuosity of hisyouth, he had been unfortunately concerned. Far from succeeding in thatachievement, he and his associates had, it seems, been made prisoners,after an obstinate engagement with the keepers, and carried beforea neighbouring justice of the peace, who used Trunnion with greatindignity, and with his companions committed him to jail.
His own relations, and in particular an uncle on whom he chieflydepended, treated him during his confinement with great rigour andinhumanity and absolutely refused to interpose his influence in hisbehalf, unless he would sign a writing, obliging himself to go tosea within thirty days after his release, under the penalty of beingproceeded against as a felon. The alternative was, either to undergothis voluntary exile, or remain in prison disowned and deserted byeverybody, and, after all, suffer an ignominious trial, that might endin a sentence of transportation for life. He therefore, without muchhesitation, embraced the proposal of his kinsman, and, as he observed,was, in less than a month after his discharge, turned adrift to themercy of the wind and waves.
Since that period he had never maintained any correspondence with hisrelations, all of whom had concurred in sending him off; nor would heever pay the least regard to the humiliations and supplications of someamong them, who had prostrated themselves before him, on the advancementof his fortune: but he retained a most inveterate resentment againsthis uncle, who was still in being, though extremely old and infirm, andfrequently mentioned his name with all the bitterness of revenge.
Perry being perfectly well acquainted with the particulars of thisstory, which he had heard so often repeated, proposed to Hatchway thata person should be hired to introduce himself to the commodore, with asupposititious letter of recommendation from this detested kinsman; animposition that, in all likelihood, would afford abundance of diversion.
The lieutenant relished the scheme and young Pickle having composed anepistle for the occasion, the exciseman of the parish, a fellow of greatimpudence and some humour, in whom Hatchway could confide, undertook totranscribe and deliver it with his own hand, and also personate theman in whose favour it was feigned to be written. He, accordingly, onemorning arrived on horseback at the garrison, two hours at leastbefore Trunnion used to get up, and gave Pipes, who admitted him, tounderstand, that he had a letter from his master, which he was orderedto deliver to none but the commodore himself. This message was no soonercommunicated, than the indignant chief (who had been waked for thepurpose) began to curse the messenger for breaking his rest, and sworehe would not budge till his usual time of turning out. This resolutionbeing conveyed to the stranger, he desired the carrier to go back andtell him, he had such joyful tidings to impart, that he was sure thecommodore would think himself amply rewarded for his trouble, even if hehad been raised from the grave to receive them.
This assurance, flattering as it was, would not have been powerfulenough to persuade him, had it not been assisted with the exhortationsof his spouse, which never failed to influence his conduct. He thereforecrept out of bed, though not without great repugnance; and wrappinghimself in his morning gown, was supported down-stairs, rubbing his eye,yawning fearfully, and grumbling in the way. As soon as he popped hishead into the parlour, the supposed stranger made divers awkward bows,and with a grinning aspect accosted him in these words: "Your mosthumble servant, most noble commodore! I hope you are in good health; youlook pure and hearty; and if it was not for that misfortune of your eye,one would not desire to see a more pleasant countenance in a summer'sday. Sure as I am a living soul, one would take you to be on this sideof threescore. Lord help us, I should have known you to be a Trunnion,if I had met with one in the midst of Salisbury Plain, as the sayingis."
The commodore, who was not at all in the humour of relishing such animpertinent preamble, interrupted him in this place, saying, with apeevish accent, "Pshaw! pshaw! brother, there's no occasion to bowse outso much unnecessary gun; if you can't bring your discourse to bear onthe right subject, you had much better clap a stopper on your tongue,and bring yourself up, d'ye see; I was told you had something todeliver."--"Deliver!" cried the waggish impostor, "odds heart! I havegot something for you that will make your very entrails rejoice withinyour body. Here's a letter from a dear and worthy friend of yours. Take,read it, and be happy. Blessings on his old heart! one would think hehad renewed his age, like the eagle's." Trunnion's expectation beingthus raised, he called for his spectacles, adjusted them to his eye,took the letter, and being curious to know the subscription, no soonerperceived his uncle's name, then he started back, his lip quivered, andhe began to shake in every limb with resentment and surprise; eagerto know the subject of an epistle from a person who had never beforetroubled him with any sort of address, he endeavoured to recollecthimself, and perused the contents, which were these;--
"Loving Nephew,--I doubt not but you will be rejoiced to hear of my welfare; and well you may, considering what a kind uncle I have been to you in the days of your youth, and how little you deserved any such thing; for yet, was always a graceless young man, given to wicked courses and bad company, whereby you would have come to a shameful end, had it not been for my care in sending you out of mischief's way. But this is not the cause of my present writing. The bearer, Mr. Timothy Trickle, is a distant relation of yours, being the son of the cousin of your aunt Margery, and is not over and above well as to worldly matters. He thinks of going to London, to see for some post in the excise or customs if so be that you will recommend him to some great man of your acquaintance, and give him a small matter to keep him till he is provided. I doubt not, nephew, but you will be glad to serve him, if it was no more but for the respect you bear to me, who am,--Loving nephew, your affectionate uncle, and servant to command, "Tobiah Trunnion."
It would be a difficult task for the inimitable Hogarth himself toexhibit the ludicrous expression of the commodore's countenance whilehe read this letter. It was not a stare of astonishment, a convulsionof rage, or a ghastly grin of revenge; but an association of all three,that took possession of his features. At length, he hawked up, withincredible straining, the interjection, "Ah!" that seemed to have stucksome time in his windpipe; and thus gave vent to his indignation: "HaveI come alongside of you at last, you old stinking curmudgeon? You lie,you lousy hulk! ye lie! you did all in your power to founder me when Iwas a stripling; and as for being graceless and wicked, and keepingbad company, you tell a d--d lie again, you thief! there was not a morepeaceable lad in the county, and I kept no bad company but your own,d'ye see. Therefore, you Trickle, or what's your name, tell the oldrascal that sent you hither, that I spit in his face, and call himhorse; that I tear his letter into rags, so; and that I trample uponit as I would upon his own villainous carcase, d'ye see." So saying, hedanced in a sort of frenzy upon the fragments of the paper, which hehad scattered about the room, to the inexpressible satisfaction of thetriumvirate, who beheld the scene.
The exciseman having got between him and the door, which was left openfor his escape, in case of necessity, affected great confusion andsurprise at his behaviour, saying, with an air of mortification, "Lordbe merciful unto me! is this the way you treat your own relations, andthe recommendation of your best friend? Surely all gratitude and virtuehas left this sinful world! What will cousin Tim, and Dick, and Tom,and good mother Pipkin; and her daughters cousin Sue, and Prue, andPeg, with all
the rest of our kinsfolks, say, when they hear of thisunconscionable reception that I have met with? Consider, sir, thatingratitude is worse than the sin of witchcraft, as the Apostle wiselyobserves; and do not send me away with such unchristian usage, whichwill lay a heavy load of guilt upon your poor miserable soul."--"What,you are on a cruise for a post, brother Trickle, an't ye?" saidTrunnion, interrupting him, "we shall find a post for you in a trice,my boy. Here, Pipes, take this saucy son of a b-- and help him to thewhipping-post in the yard. I'll teach you to rouse me in the morningwith such impertinent messages."
Pipes, who wanted to carry the joke farther than the exciseman dreamtof, laid hold of him in a twinkling, and executed the orders of hiscommander, notwithstanding all his nods, winking, and significantgestures, which the boatswain's mate would by no means understand; sothat he began to repent of the part he acted in this performance, whichwas like to end so tragically; and stood fastened to the stake, in avery disagreeable state of suspense; casting many a rueful look over hisleft shoulder, while Pipes was absent in quest of a cat-o'-nine-tails,in expectation of being relieved by the interposition of the lieutenant,who did not, however, appear. Tom, returning with the instrument ofcorrection, undressed the delinquent in a trice, and whispering in hisear, that he was very sorry for being employed in such an office, butdurst not for his soul disobey the orders of his commander, flourishedthe scourge about his head, and with admirable dexterity made such asmarting application to the offender's back and shoulders, that thedistracted gauger performed sundry new cuts with his feet, and bellowedhideously with pain, to the infinite satisfaction of the spectators. Atlength, when he was almost flayed from his rump to the nape of his neck,Hatchway, who had purposely absented himself hitherto, appeared in theyard, and interposing in his behalf, prevailed upon Trunnion to call offthe executioner, and ordered the malefactor to be released.
The exciseman, mad with the catastrophe he had undergone, threatenedto be revenged upon his employers, by making a candid confession ofthe whole plot; but the lieutenant giving him to understand, that in sodoing, he would bring upon himself a prosecution for fraud, forgery, andimposture, he was fain to put up with his loss; and sneaked out of thegarrison, attended with a volley of curses discharged upon him bythe commodore, who was exceedingly irritated by the disturbance anddisappointment he had undergone.
CHAPTER XV.