The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  He projects a plan of Revenge, which is executed against the Curate.

  Our hero, exasperated at the villainy of the curate, in the treacherousmisrepresentation he had made of this encounter, determined to rise uponhim a method of revenge, which should be not only effectual but alsounattended any bad consequence to himself. For this purpose he andHatchway, to whom he imparted his plan, went to the ale-house oneevening, and called for an empty room, knowing there was no other butthat which they had chosen for the scene of action. This apartment wasa sort of a parlour that fronted the kitchen, with a window towards theyard, where after they had sat some time, the lieutenant found means toamuse the landlord in discourse, while Peregrine, stepping out intothe yard, by the talent of mimickry, which he possessed in a surprisingdegree, counterfeited a dialogue between the curate and Tunley'swife. This reaching the ears of the publican, for whose hearing it wascalculated, inflamed his naturally jealous disposition to such a degree,that he could not conceal his emotion, but made a hundred effortsto quit the room; while the lieutenant, smoking his pipe with greatgravity, as if he neither heard what passed nor took notice of thelandlord's disorder, detained him on the spot by a succession ofquestions, which he could not refuse to answer, though he stood sweatingwith agony all the time, stretching his neck every instant towards thewindow through which the voices were conveyed, scratching his head, andexhibiting sundry other symptoms of impatience and agitation. At lengththe supposed conversation came to such a pitch of amorous complaisance,that the husband, quite frantic with his imaginary disgrace, rushedout of the door crying, "Coming, sir;" but as he was obliged to make acircuit round one-half of the house, Peregrine had got in by the windowbefore Tunley arrived in the yard.

  According to the feigned intelligence he had received, he ran directlyto the barn, in expectation of making some very extraordinary discovery;and having employed some minutes in rummaging the straw to no purpose,returned in a state of distraction to the kitchen, just as his wifechanced to enter at the other door. The circumstance of her appearanceconfirmed him in the opinion that the deed was done. As the disease ofbeing henpecked was epidemic in the parish, he durst not express theleast hint of his uneasiness to her, but resolved to take vengeance onthe libidinous priest, who he imagined had corrupted the chastity of hisspouse.

  The two confederates, in order to be certified that their scheme hadtaken effect, as well as to blow up the flame which they had kindled,called for Tunley, in whose countenance they could easily discern hisconfusion. Peregrine, desiring him to sit down and drink a glass withthem, began to interrogate him about his family, and, among otherthings, asked him how long he had been married to that handsome wife.This question, which was put with an arch significance of look, alarmedthe publican, who began to fear that Pickle had overheard his dishonour;and this suspicion was not at all removed when the lieutenant, with asly regard, pronounced "Tunley warn't you noosed by the curate?" "Yes,is was," replied the landlord, with an eagerness and perplexity oftone, as if he thought the lieutenant knew that thereby hang a tale: andHatchway supported the suspicion by "Nay, as for that matter, the curatemay be a very sufficient man in his way." This transition from his wifeto the curate convinced him that his shame was known to his guests; and,in the transport of his indignation, he pronounced with great emphasis,"A sufficient man! Odds heart! I believe they are all wolves in sheep'sclothing. I wish to God I could see the day, master, when there shallnot be a priest, an exciseman, or a custom-house officer in the kingdom.As for that fellow of a curate, if I do catch him--It don't signifytalking--But, by the Lord!--Gentlemen, my service to you."

  The associates being satisfied, by these abrupt insinuations, that theyhad so far succeeded in their aim, waited with impatience two or threedays in expectation of hearing that Tunley had fallen upon some methodof being revenged for this imaginary wrong; but finding that either hisinvention was too shallow, or his inclination too languid, to gratifytheir desire of his own accord, they determined to bring the affair tosuch a crisis, that he should not be able to withstand the opportunityof executing his vengeance. With this view, they one evening hired a boyto run to Mr. Pickle's house, and tell the curate that Mrs. Tunley beingtaken suddenly ill, her husband desired he would come immediately andpray with her. They had taken possession of a room in the house andHatchway engaging the landlord in conversation, Peregrine, in his returnfrom the yard, observed, as if by accident, that the parson was goneinto the kitchen, in order, as he supposed, to catechise Tunley's wife.

  The publican started at this intelligence, and, under pretence ofserving another company in the next room, went out to the barn, where,arming himself with a flail, he repaired to a lane through which thecurate was under a necessity of passing in his way home. There he layin ambush with fell intent; and when the supposed author of his shamearrived, greeted him in the dark with such a salutation as forced himto stagger backward three paces at least. If the second application hadtaken effect, in all probability that spot would have been theboundary of the parson's mortal peregrination; but luckily for him, hisantagonist was not expert in the management of his weapon, which, by atwist of the thong that connected the legs, instead of pitching upon thehead of the astonished curate, descended in an oblique direction onhis own pate, with such a swing that the skull actually rang like anapothecary's mortar, and ten thousand lights seemed to dance before hiseyes. The curate recollecting himself during the respite he obtainedfrom this accident, and believing his aggressor to be some thief wholurked in that place for prey, resolved to make a running fight, untilhe should arrive within cry of his habitation. With this design heraised up his cudgel for the defence of his head, and, betaking himselfto his heels, began to roar for help with the lungs of a Stentor.Tunley, throwing away the flail, which he durst no longer trust withthe execution of his revenge, pursued the fugitive with all the speed hecould exert; and the other, either unnerved by fear or stumbling overa stone, was overtaken before he had run a hundred paces. He no soonerfelt the wind of the publican's fist that whistled round his ears, thanhe fell flat upon the earth at full length, and the cudgel flew from hisunclasping hand; when Tunley, springing like a tiger on his back, rainedsuch a shower of blows upon his carcase, that he imagined himselfunder the discipline of ten pairs of fists at least; yet the imaginarycuckold, not satisfied with annoying the priest in this manner, laidhold of one of his ears with his teeth, and bit so unmercifully, thatthe curate was found almost entranced with pain by two labourers, atwhose approach the assailant retreated unperceived.

  The lieutenant had posted himself at the window, in order to see thelandlord at his first return: and no sooner perceived him enter theyard, than he called him into the apartment, impatient to learn theeffects of their stratagem. Tunley obeyed the summons, and appearedbefore his guests in all the violence of rage, disorder, and fatigue:his nostrils were dilated more than one-half beyond their naturalcapacity, his eyes rolled, his teeth chattered, he snored in breathingas if he had been oppressed by the nightmare, and streams of sweatflowed down each side of his forehead.

  Peregrine, affecting to start at the approach of such an uncouth figure,asked if he had been with a spirit; upon which he answered, with greatvehemence, "Spirit! No, no, master, I have had a roll and tumble withthe flesh. A dog. I'll teach him to come a caterwauling about my doors."Guessing from this reply, that his aim was accomplished, and curious toknow the particulars of the rencounter, "Well, then," said the youth,"I hope you have prevailed against the flesh, Tunley."--"Yes, yes,"answered the publican, "I have cooled his capissens, as the saying is:I have played such a tune about his ears, that I'll be bound he shan'tlong for music this month. A goatish, man-faced rascal! Why, he's aperfect parish bull, as I hope to live."

  Hatchway, observing that he seemed to have made a stout battle, desiredhe would sit down and recover wind; and after he had swallowed a braceof bumpers, his vanity prompted him to expatiate upon his own exploit insuch a manner, that the confederates, without seeming to know the curatewa
s his antagonist, became acquainted with every circumstance of theambuscade.

  Tunley had scarce got the better of his agitation, when his wife,entering the room, told them, by way of news, that some waggish bodyhad sent Mr. Sackbut the curate to pray with her. This name inflamedthe husband's choler anew; and, forgetting all his complaisance for hisspouse, he replied with a rancorous grin, "Add rabbit him! I doubt notbut you found his admonitions deadly comfortable!" The landlady, lookingat her vassal with a sovereign aspect, "What crotchets," said she, "haveyou got in your fool's head, I trow? I know no business you have to sithere like a gentleman with your arms akimbo, there's another companyin the house to be served." The submissive husband took the hint, andwithout further expostulation sneaked out of the room.

  Next day it was reported that Mr. Sackbut had been waylaid andalmost murdered by robbers, and an advertisement was pasted upon thechurch-door, offering a reward to any person that should discover theassassin; but he reaped no satisfaction from this expedient, andwas confined to his chamber a whole fortnight, by the bruises he hadreceived.

  CHAPTER XXX.