by T. Smollett
Peregrine humbles a noted Hector, and meets with a strange Character atthe House of a certain Lady.
Among those who never failed to reside at Bath during the season, was acertain person, who, from the most abject misery, had, by his industryand art at play, amassed about fifteen thousand pounds; and though hischaracter was notorious, insinuated himself so far into the favourof what is called the best company, that very few private parties ofpleasure took place in which he was not principally concerned. He wasof a gigantic stature, a most intrepid countenance; and his disposition,naturally overbearing, had, in the course of his adventures and success,acquired a most intolerable degree of insolence and vanity. By theferocity of his features, and audacity of his behaviour, he had obtaineda reputation for the most undaunted courage, which had been confirmed bydivers adventures, in which he had humbled the most assuming heroes ofhis own fraternity; so that he now reigned chief Hector of the placewith unquestioned authority.
With this son of fortune was Peregrine one evening engaged at play, andso successful, that he could not help informing his friend of hisgood luck. Godfrey, hearing the description of the loser, immediatelyrecognized the person, whom he had known at Tunbridge; and, assuringPickle that he was a sharper of the first water, cautioned him againstany further connection with such a dangerous companion, who, heaffirmed, had suffered him to win a small sum, that he might beencouraged to lose a much greater sum upon some other occasion.
Our young gentleman treasured up this advice; and though he did notscruple to give the gamester an opportunity of retrieving his loss, whenhe next day demanded his revenge, he absolutely refused to proceedafter he had refunded his winning. The other, who considered him asa hot-headed unthinking youth, endeavoured to inflame his pride to acontinuance of the game, by treating his skill with scorn and contempt;and, among other sarcastic expressions, advised him to go to schoolagain, before he pretended to engage with masters of the art. Our hero,incensed at his arrogance, replied with great warmth, that he knewhimself sufficiently qualified for playing with men of honour, who dealupon the square, and hoped he should always deem it infamous eitherto learn or practise the tricks of a professed gamester. "Blood andthunder! meaning me, sir?" cried this artist, raising his voice, andcurling his visage into a most intimidating frown. "Zounds! I'll cut thethroat of any scoundrel who has the presumption to suppose that I don'tplay as honourably as e'er a nobleman in the kingdom: and I insist uponan explanation from you, sir; or, by hell and brimstone! I shall expectother sort of satisfaction." Peregrine (whose blood by this time boiledwithin him) answered without hesitation, "Far from thinking your demandunreasonable, I will immediately explain myself without reserve, andtell you, that, upon unquestionable authority, I believe you to be animpudent rascal and common cheat."
The Hector was so amazed and confounded at the freedom of thisdeclaration, which he thought no man on earth would venture to make inhis presence, that, for some minutes, he could not recollect himself;but at length whispered a challenge in the ear of our hero, which wasaccordingly accepted. When they arrived next morning upon the field, thegamester, arming his countenance with all its terrors, advanced with asword of a monstrous length, and, putting himself in a posture, calledout aloud in a most terrific voice, "Draw, d--n ye, draw; I will thisinstant send you to your fathers." The youth was not slow in complyingwith his desire; his weapon was unsheathed in a moment, and he beganthe attack with such unexpected spirit and address, that his adversary,having made shift with great difficulty to parry the first pass,retreated a few paces, and demanded a parley, in which he endeavouredto persuade the young man, that to lay a man of his character underthe necessity of chastising his insolence, was the most rash andinconsiderate step that he could possibly have taken; but that he hadcompassion upon his youth, and was willing to spare him if he wouldsurrender his sword, and promise to ask pardon in public for the offencehe had given. Pickle was so much exasperated at this unparalleledeffrontery, that, without deigning to make the least reply, he flunghis own hat in the proposer's face, and renewed the charge with suchundaunted agility, that the gamester, finding himself in manifesthazard of his life, betook himself to his heels, and fled homewardswith incredible speed, being closely pursued by Peregrine, who, havingsheathed his sword, pelted him with stones as he ran, and compelled himto go, that same day, into banishment from Bath, where he had domineeredso long.
By this achievement, which was the subject of astonishment to all thecompany, who had looked upon the fugitive as a person of heroiccourage, our adventurer's reputation was rendered formidable in allits circumstances; although he thereby disobliged a good many people offashion, who had contracted an intimacy of friendship with the exile,and who resented his disgrace, as if it had been the misfortune ofa worthy man. These generous patrons, however, bore a very smallproportion to those who were pleased with the event of the duel;because, in the course of their residence at Bath, they had either beeninsulted or defrauded by the challenger. Nor was this instance of ourhero's courage unacceptable to the ladies, few of whom could now resistthe united force of such accomplishments. Indeed, neither he norhis friend Godfrey would have found much difficulty in picking up anagreeable companion for life; but Gauntlet's heart was pre-engagedto Sophy; and Pickle, exclusive of his attachment to Emily, which wasstronger than he himself imagined, possessed such a share of ambitionas could not be satisfied with the conquest of any female he beheld atBath.
His visits were, therefore, promiscuous, without any other view thanthat of amusement; and though his pride was flattered by the advancesof the fair, whom he had captivated, he never harboured one thought ofproceeding beyond the limits of common gallantry, and carefully avoidedall particular explanations. But, what above all other enjoymentsyielded him the most agreeable entertainment, was the secret history ofcharacters, which he learned from a very extraordinary person, with whomhe became acquainted in this manner.
Being at the house of a certain lady on a visiting day, he was struckwith the appearance of an old man, who no sooner entered the room thanthe mistress of the house very kindly desired one of the wits present toroast the old put. This petit-maitre, proud of the employment, went upto the senior, who had something extremely peculiar and significantin his countenance, and saluting him with divers fashionable congees,accosted him in these words: "Your servant, you old rascal. I hope tohave the honour of seeing you hanged. I vow to Gad! you look extremelyshocking, with these gummy eyes, lanthorn jaws, and toothless chaps.What! you squint at the ladies, you old rotten medlar? Yes, yes, weunderstand your ogling; but you must content yourself with a cook-maid,sink me! I see you want to sit. These withered shanks of yours trembleunder their burden; but you must have a little patience, old Hirco!indeed you must. I intend to mortify you a little longer, curse me!"
The company was so tickled with this address, which was delivered withmuch grimace and gesticulation, that they burst out into a loud fitof laughter, which they fathered upon a monkey that was chained in theroom; and, when the peal was over, the wit renewed the attack in thesewords: "I suppose you are fool enough to think this mirth was occasionedby Pug. Ay, there he is; you had best survey him; he is of your ownfamily; switch me. But the laugh was at your expense; and you oughtto thank Heaven for making you so ridiculous." While he uttered theseingenious ejaculations, the old gentleman bowed alternately to him andthe monkey, that seemed to grin and chatter in imitation of the beau,and, with an arch solemnity of visage, pronounced, "Gentlemen, as I havenot the honour to understand your compliments, they will be much betterbestowed on each other." So saying, he seated himself, and had thesatisfaction to see the laugh returned upon the aggressor, who remainedconfounded and abashed, and in a few minutes left the room, muttering,as he retired, "The old fellow grows scurrilous, stap my breath!"
While Peregrine wondered in silence at this extraordinary scene, thelady of the house perceiving his surprise, gave him to understand, thatthe ancient visitant was utterly bereft of the sense of hearing;that his n
ame was Cadwallader Crabtree, his disposition altogethermisanthropical; and that he was admitted into company on accountof entertainment he afforded by his sarcastic observations, and thepleasant mistakes to which he was subject from his infirmity. Nor didour hero wait a long time for an illustration of this odd character.Every sentence he spoke was replete with gall; nor did his satireconsist in general reflections, but a series of remarks, which had beenmade through the medium of a most whimsical peculiarity of opinion.
Among those who were present at this assembly was a young officer, whohaving, by dint of interest, obtained a seat in the lower house, thoughtit incumbent upon him to talk of affairs of state; and accordinglyregaled the company with an account of a secret expedition which theFrench were busied in preparing; assuring them that he had it from themouth of the minister, to whom it had been transmitted by one of hisagents abroad. In descanting upon the particulars of the armament,he observed that they had twenty ships of the line ready manned andvictualled at Brest, which were destined for Toulon, where they wouldbe joined by as many more; and from thence proceed to the execution oftheir scheme, which he imparted as a secret not fit to be divulged.
This piece of intelligence being communicated to all the company exceptMr. Crabtree, who suffered by his loss of hearing, that cynic was soonafter accosted by a lady, who, by means of an artificial alphabet,formed by a certain conjunction and disposition of the fingers, asked ifhe had heard any extraordinary news of late. Cadwallader, with his usualcomplaisance, replied, that he supposed she took him for a courier orspy, by teasing him eternally with that question. He then expatiatedupon the foolish curiosity of mankind, which, he said, must eitherproceed from idleness or want of ideas; and repeated almost verbatimthe officer's information, a vague ridiculous report invented by someignorant coxcomb, who wanted to give himself airs of importance, andbelieved only by those who were utterly unacquainted with the politicsand strength of the French nation.
In confirmation of what he had advanced, he endeavoured to demonstratehow impossible it must be for that people to fit out even the third partof such a navy, so soon after the losses they had sustained duringthe war; and confirmed his proof by asserting, that to his certainknowledge, the harbours of Brest and Toulon could not at that timeproduce a squadron of eight ships of the line. The member, who wasan utter stranger to this misanthrope, hearing his own asseverationstreated with such contempt, glowed with confusion and resentment,and, raising his voice, began to defend his own veracity, with greateagerness and trepidation, mingling with his arguments many blusteringinvectives, against the insolence and ill manners of his supposedcontradictor, who sat with the most mortifying composure of countenance,till the officer's patience was quite exhausted, and then, to themanifest increase of his vexation, he was informed, that his antagonistwas so deaf, that in all probability, the last trumpet would make noimpression upon him, without a previous renovation of his organs.
CHAPTER LXXII.