The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  He persuades Cadwallader to assume the Character of a Magician, inwhich he acquires a great Share of Reputation, by his Responses to threeFemales of Distinction, who severally consult the Researches of his Art.

  His heart being thus, as it were, suspended between two objects thatlessened the force of each other's attraction, he took this opportunityof enjoying some respite, and for the present detached his sentimentsfrom both, resolving to indulge himself in the exercise of thatpractical satire which was so agreeable and peculiar in his disposition.In this laudable determination he was confirmed by the repeatedsuggestions of his friend Cadwallader, who taxed him with letting histalents rust in indolence, and stimulated his natural vivacity with asuccession of fresh discoveries in the world of scandal.

  Peregrine was now seized with a strange whim, and when he communicatedthe conceit to Cadwallader, it in a moment acquired his approbation.This notion he imparted in a proposal to subject the town to theirridicule, by giving responses to the character of a professed conjurer,to be personated by the old misanthrope, whose aspect was extremely wellcalculated for the purpose. The plan was immediately adjusted in all itsparts; an apartment hired in a house accommodated with a public stair,so that people might have free ingress and egress, without being exposedto observation; and, this tenement being furnished with the apparatus ofa magician, such as globes, telescopes, a magic-lanthorn, a skeleton, adried monkey together with the skins of an alligator, otter, andsnake, the conjurer himself took possession of his castle, after havingdistributed printed advertisements containing the particulars of hisundertaking.

  These bills soon operated according to the wish of the projectors. Asthe price of the oracle was fixed at half a guinea, the public naturallyconcluded that the author was no common fortune-teller; and, the verynext day, Peregrine found some ladies of his quality acquaintanceinfected with the desire of making an experiment upon the skill of thisnew conjurer, who pretended to be just arrived from the Mogul's empire,where he had learned the art from a Brachman philosopher. Our younggentleman affected to talk of the pretensions of this sage with ridiculeand contempt, and with seeming reluctance undertook to attend them tohis apartment, observing, that it would be a very easy matter to detectthe fellow's ignorance, and no more than common justice to chastise himfor his presumption. Though he could easily perceive a great fund ofcredulity in the company, they affected to espouse his opinion, and,under the notion of a frolic, agreed that one particular lady shouldendeavour to baffle his art, by appearing before him in the dress ofher woman, who should at the same time personate her mistress, and betreated as such by our adventurer, who promised to squire them to theplace. These measures being concerted, and the appointment fixed forthe next audience-day, Peregrine furnished his friend with the necessaryinformation, and, when the hour of assignation arrived, conducted hischarge to this oraculous seer.

  They were admitted by our hero's valet-de-chambre, whose visage, beingnaturally meagre and swarthy, was adorned with artificial whiskers; sothat he became the Persian dress which he wore, and seemed a very propermaster of the ceremonies to an Oriental necromancer. Having crossed hisarms upon his breasts, with an inclination of the head, he stalked insolemn silence before them into the penetralia of the temple, wherethey found the conjurer sitting at a table, provided with pen, ink, andpaper, divers books, mathematical instruments, and a long white wandlying across the whole. He was habited in a black gown and fur cap. Hiscountenance, over and above a double proportion of philosophic gravity,which he had assumed for the occasion, was improved by a thick beard,white as snow, that reached to his middle, and upon each shoulder sat aprodigious large black cat which had been tutored for the purpose.

  Such a figure, which would have startled Peregrine himself, had not hebeen concerned in the mystery, could not fail to make an impression uponthose whom he accompanied. The fictitious chambermaid, in spite of allher natural pertness and vivacity, changed colour when she enteredthe room, while the pretended lady, whose intellects were not quite soenlightened, began to tremble in every joint, and ejaculate petitionsto Heaven for her safety. Their conductor, advancing to the table,presented his offering, and, pointing to the maid, told him, that ladydesired to know what would be her destiny in point of marriage. Thephilosopher, without lifting up his eyes to view the person in whosebehalf he was consulted, turned his ear to one of the sable familiarsthat purred upon his shoulder, and, taking up the pen, wrote upon adetached slip of paper these words, which Peregrine, at the desireof the ladies, repeated aloud: "Her destiny will, in a great measure,depend upon what happened to her about nine o'clock in the morning onthe third day of last December."

  This sentence was no sooner pronounced, than the counterfeit ladyscreamed, and ran into the ante-chamber, exclaiming, "Christ have mercyupon us! Sure he is the devil incarnate!" Her mistress, who followed herwith great consternation, insisted upon knowing the transaction to whichthe response alluded; and Mrs. Abigail, after some recollection, gaveher to understand that she had an admirer, who, on that very hour andday mentioned by the cunning man, had addressed himself to her ina serious proposal of marriage. This explanation, however, was moreingenious than candid, for the admirer was no other than the identicalMr. Pickle himself, who was a mere dragon among the chambermaids, and,in his previous information communicated to his associate, had givenan account of this assignation, with which he had been favoured by thedamsel in question.

  Our hero seeing his company very much affected with the circumstanceof the wizard's art, which had almost frightened both mistress andmaid into hysteric fits, pretended to laugh them out of their fears, byobserving, that there was nothing extraordinary in this instance ofhis knowledge, which might have been acquired by some of those secretemissaries whom such impostors are obliged to employ for intelligence,or imparted by the lover himself, who had, perhaps, come to consulthim about the success of his amour. Encouraged by this observation, orrather prompted by an insatiable curiosity, which was proof against allsorts of apprehension, the disguised lady returned to the magician's ownapartment, and, assuming the air of a pert chambermaid, "Mr. Conjurer,"said she, "now you have satisfied my mistress, will you be as good asto tell me if ever I shall be married?" The sage, without the leasthesitation, favoured her with an answer, in the following words: "Youcannot be married before you are a widow; and whether or not that willever be the case, is a question which my art cannot resolve, because myforeknowledge exceeds not the term of thirty years."

  This reply, which at once cut her off from her pleasing prospect ofseeing herself independent in the enjoyment of youth and fortune, ina moment clouded her aspect; all her good-humour was overcast, and shewent away, without further inquiry, muttering in the rancour of herchagrin, that he was a silly impertinent fellow, and a mere quack inhis profession. Notwithstanding the prejudice of this resentment, herconviction soon recurred; and when the report of his answers was madeto those confederates by whom she had been deputed to make trial ofhis skill, they were universally persuaded that his art was altogethersupernatural, though each affected to treat it with contempt, resolvingin her own breast to have recourse to him in private.

  In the meantime, the maid, though laid under the most peremptoryinjunctions of secrecy, was so full of the circumstance which related toher own conduct, that she extolled his prescience, in whispers, to allacquaintances, assuring them, that he had told her all the particularsof her life; so that his fame was almost instantaneously conveyed,through a thousand different channels, to all parts of the town; and,the very next time he assumed the chair, his doors were besieged bycurious people of all sects and denominations.

  Being an old practitioner in this art, Cadwallader knew it would beimpossible for him to support his reputation in the promiscuous exerciseof fortune-telling, because every person that should come to consult himwould expect a sample of his skill relating to things past; and it couldnot be supposed that he was acquainted with the private concerns ofevery individual who might apply to him for that
purpose. He, therefore,ordered his minister, whom he distinguished by the name of Hadgi Rourk,to signify to all those who demanded entrance, that his price was half aguinea; and that all such as were not disposed to gratify him with thatconsideration, would do well to leave the passage free for the rest.

  This declaration succeeded to his wish; for this congregation consistedchiefly of footmen, chambermaids, prentices, and the lower class oftradesmen, who could not afford to purchase prescience at such a price;so that, after fruitless offers of shillings and half-crowns, theydropped off one by one, and left the field open for customers of ahigher rank.

  The first person of this species who appeared was dressed like the wifeof a substantial tradesman; but this disguise could not screen her fromthe penetration of the conjurer, who at first sight knew her to be oneof the ladies of whose coming he had been apprised by Peregrine, on thesupposition that their curiosity was rather inflamed than allayed bythe intelligence they had received from his first client. This ladyapproached the philosopher with that intrepidity of countenance soconspicuous in matrons of her dignified sphere, and, in a soft voice,asked with a simper, of what complexion her next child would be? Thenecromancer, who was perfectly well acquainted with her private history,forthwith delivered his response in the following question, written inthe usual form: "How long has Pompey the black been dismissed from yourladyship's service?"

  Endued as she was with a great share of that fortitude which isdistinguished by the appellation of effrontery, her face exhibitedsome signs of shame and confusion at the receipt of this oracularinterrogation, by which she was convinced of his extraordinaryintelligence; and, accosting him in a very serious tone, "Doctor," saidshe, "I perceive you are a person of great abilities in the art youprofess; and therefore, without pretending to dissemble, I will own youhave touched the true string of my apprehensions. I am persuaded I neednot be more particular in my inquiries. Here is a purse of money; takeit, and deliver me from a most alarming and uneasy suspense." So saying,she deposited her offering upon the table, and waited for his answer,with a face of fearful expectation, while he was employed in writingthis sentence for her perusal: "Though I see into the womb of time,the prospect is not perfectly distinct: the seeds of future events liemingled and confused. So that I am under the necessity of assisting mydivination in some cases, by analogy and human intelligence; and cannotpossibly satisfy your present doubts, unless you will condescend to makeme privy to all those occurrences which you think might have interferedwith the cause of your apprehension."

  The lady having read the declaration, affected a small emotion ofshyness and repugnance, and, seating herself upon a settee, after havingcautiously informed herself of the privacy of the apartment, gave such adetail of the succession of her lovers, as amazed, while it entertained,the necromancer, as well as his friend Pickle, who, from a closetin which he had concealed himself, overheard every syllable of herconfession. Cadwallader listened to her story with a look of infiniteimportance and sagacity, and, after a short pause, told her, that hewould not pretend to give a categorical answer, until he should havedeliberated maturely upon the various circumstances of the affair; but,if she would take the trouble of honouring him with another visit onhis next public day, he hoped he should be able to give her fullsatisfaction. Conscious of the importance of her doubts, she couldnot help commending his caution, and took her leave, with a promise ofreturning at the appointed time. Then the conjurer being joined by hisassociate, they gave a loose to their mirth, which having indulged, theybegan to concert measures for inflicting some disgraceful punishment onthe shameless and insatiate termagant who had so impudently avowed herown prostitution.

  They were interrupted, however, in their conference, by the arrival ofa new guest, who being announced by Hadgi, our hero retreated to hislurking-place, and Cadwallader resumed his mysterious appearance. Thisnew client, though she hid her face in a mask, could not conceal herselffrom the knowledge of the conjurer, who, by her voice, recognised herto be an unmarried lady of his own acquaintance. She had, within a smallcompass of time, made herself remarkable for two adventures, which hadnot at all succeeded to her expectation. Being very much addicted toplay, she had, at a certain rout, indulged that passion to suchexcess, as not only got the better of her justice, but also of hercircumspection, so that she was unfortunately detected in her endeavoursto appropriate to herself what was not lawfully her due. This small slipwas attended with another indiscretion, which had likewise an unluckyeffect upon her reputation. She had been favoured with the addresses ofone of those hopeful heirs who swarm and swagger about town, under thedenomination of bucks; and, in the confidence of his honour, consentedto be one of a party that made an excursion as far as Windsor, thinkingherself secured from scandal by the company of another young lady,who had also condescended to trust her person to the protection of heradmirer. The two gallants, in the course of this expedition, were saidto use the most perfidious means to intoxicate the passions of theirmistresses by mixing drugs with their wine, which inflamed theirconstitutions to such a degree, that they fell an easy sacrifice to theappetites of their conductors, who, upon their return to town, were sobase and inhuman as to boast among their companions of the exploit theyhad achieved. Thus the story was circulated, with a thousand additionalcircumstances to the prejudice of the sufferers, one of whom had thoughtproper to withdraw into the country, until the scandal raised at herexpense should subside; while the other, who was not so easily putout of countenance, resolved to outface the report, as a treacherousaspersion, invented by her lover as an excuse for his own inconstancy;and actually appeared in public, as usual, till she found herselfneglected by the greatest part of her acquaintance.

  In consequence of this disgrace, which she knew not whether to impute tothe card affair, or to the last faux pas she had committed, she now cameto consult the conjurer, and signified her errand, by asking whetherthe cause of her present disquiet was of the town or the country.Cadwallader at once perceiving her allusion, answered her questionin these terms: "This honest world will forgive a young gamester forindiscretion at play, but a favour granted to a babbling coxcomb isan unpardonable offence." This response she received with equalastonishment and chagrin; and, fully convinced of the necromancer'somniscience, implored his advice, touching the retrieval of herreputation: upon which he counselled her to wed with the firstopportunity. She seemed so well pleased with his admonition, that shegratified him with a double fee, and, dropping a low curtsey, retired.

  Our undertakers now thought it high time to silence the oracle for theday, and Hadgi was accordingly ordered to exclude all comers, whilePeregrine and his friend renewed the deliberations which had beeninterrupted, and settled a plan of operations for the next occasion.Meanwhile it was resolved that Hadgi should not only exercise hisown talents, but also employ inferior agents, in procuring generalintelligence for the support of their scheme; that the expense of thisministry should be defrayed from the profits of their professions; andthe remainder be distributed to poor families in distress.

  CHAPTER LXXXIII.