by T. Smollett
Peregrine commits himself to the Public, and is admitted Member of aCollege of Authors.
The bitterness of this explanation being passed, our young gentlemanbegan to revolve within himself schemes for making up the deficienciesof his yearly income, which was now so grievously reduced; anddetermined to profit, in some shape or other, by those talents which heowed to nature and education. He had, in his affluence, heard of severalauthors, who, without any pretensions to genius or human literature,earned a very genteel subsistence by undertaking work for booksellers,in which reputation was not at all concerned. One, for example,professed all manner of translation, at so much per sheet, and actuallykept five or six amanuenses continually employed, like so many clerks ina counting-house, by which means he was enabled to live at his ease, andenjoy his friend and his bottle, ambitious of no other character thanthat of an honest man and a good neighbour. Another projected a varietyof plans for new dictionaries, which were executed under his eye byday-labourers; and the province of a third was history and voyages,collected or abridged by understrappers of the same class.
Mr. Pickle, in his comparisons, paid such deference to his owncapacity, as banished all doubts of his being able to excel any of thoseundertakers in their different branches of profession, if ever he shouldbe driven to that experiment; but his ambition prompted him to make hisinterest and glory coincide, by attempting some performance whichshould do him honour with the public, and at the same time establishhis importance among the copy-purchasers in town. With this view, heworshipped the muse; and, conscious of the little regard which is inthis age paid to every species of poetic composition, in which neithersatire nor obscenity occurs, he produced an imitation of Juvenal,and lashed some conspicuous characters, with equal truth, spirit, andseverity. Though his name did not appear in the title-page of thisproduction, he managed matters so that the work was universallyimputed to the true author, who was not altogether disappointed in hisexpectations of success; for the impression was immediately sold off,and the piece became the subject of conversation in all assemblies oftaste.
This happy exordium not only attracted the addresses of the booksellers,who made interest for his acquaintance, but also roused the notice of asociety of authors, who styled themselves "The College," from whichhe was honoured with a deputation, offering to enroll him a member byunanimous consent. The person employed for this purpose being a bardwho had formerly tasted of our hero's bounty, used all his eloquence topersuade him to comply with the advances of their fraternity, whichhe described in such a manner as inflamed the curiosity of Pickle, whodismissed the ambassador, with an acknowledgment of the great honourthey conferred upon him, and a faithful promise of endeavouring to meritthe continuance of their approbation.
He was afterwards, by the same minister, instructed in the ceremonies ofthe college; and, in consequence of his information, composed an ode,to be publicly recited on the evening of his introduction. He understoodthat this constitution was no other than a body of authors, incorporatedby mutual consent, for their joint advantage and satisfaction,opposed to another assembly of the same kind, their avowed enemies anddetractors. No wonder, then, that they sought to strengthen themselveswith such a valuable acquisition as our hero was likely to prove. Thecollege consisted of authors only, and these of all degrees in pointof reputation, from the fabricator of a song, set to music, and sung atMarylebone, to the dramatic bard who had appeared in buskins upon thestage: nay, one of the members had actually finished eight books of anepic poem, for the publication of which he was at that time solicitingsubscriptions.
It cannot be supposed that such a congregation of the sons of Apollowould sit a whole evening with order and decorum, unless they were underthe check of some established authority; and this inconvenience havingbeen foreseen, they had elected a president, vested with full power tosilence any member or members that should attempt to disturb the harmonyand subordination of the whole. The sage, who at this time possessed thechair, was a person in years, whose countenance was a lively portraitureof that rancorous discontent which follows repeated damnation. He hadbeen extremely unfortunate in his theatrical productions, and was, touse the words of a profane wag, who assisted at the condemnation of hislast play, by this time d--d beyond redemption. Nevertheless, he stilltarried about the skirts of Parnassus, translating some of the classics,and writing miscellanies, and by dint of an invincible assurance,supercilious insolence, the most undaunted virulence of tongue, and someknowledge of life, he made shift to acquire and maintain the characterof a man of learning and wit, in the opinion of people who had neither;that is, thirty-nine in forty of those with whom he associated himself.He was even looked upon in this light by some few of the college; thoughthe major part of those who favoured his election, were such as dreadedhis malice, respected his experience and seniority, or hated hiscompetitor, who was the epic poet.
The chief end of this society, as I have already hinted, was to assistand support each other in their productions, which they mutuallyrecommended to sale, with all their art and influence, not only inprivate conversation, but also in occasional epigrams, criticisms, andadvertisements, inserted in the public papers. This science, which isknown by the vulgar appellation of puffing, they carried to such a pitchof finesse, that an author very often wrote an abusive answer to his ownperformance, in order to inflame the curiosity of the town, by whichit had been overlooked. Notwithstanding this general unanimity in thecollege, a private animosity had long subsisted between the two rivalsI have mentioned, on account of precedence, to which both laid claim,though, by a majority of votes, it had been decided in favour of thepresent chairman. The grudge indeed never proceeded to any degree ofoutrage or defiance, but manifested itself at every meeting, in attemptsto eclipse each other in smart sayings and pregnant repartee; so thatthere was always a delicate mess of this kind of wit served up in thefront of the evening, for the entertainment and example of the juniormembers, who never failed to divide upon this occasion, declaringthemselves for one or other of the combatants, whom they encouraged bytheir looks, gestures, and applause, according to the circumstances ofthe dispute.
This honourable consistory was held in the best room of an ale-house,which afforded wine, punch, or beer, suitable to the purse orinclination of every individual, who separately paid for his own choice;and here was our hero introduced in the midst of twenty strangers, who,by their looks and equipage, formed a very picturesque variety. He wasreceived with a most gracious solemnity, and placed upon the righthand of the president, who, having commanded silence, recited aloudhis introductory ode, which met with universal approbation. Then wastendered to him the customary oath, obliging him to consult the honourand advantage of the society as far as it should he in his power, inevery station of life; and this being taken, his temples were bound witha wreath of laurel, which was kept sacred for such inauguration.
When these rites were performed with all due ceremony, the new membercast his eyes around the place, and took a more accurate survey of hisbrethren; among whom he observed a strange collection of periwigs, withregard to the colour, fashions, and dimensions, which were such ashe had never seen before. Those who sat on each side, nearest thepresident, were generally distinguished by venerable ties, the foretopsof which exhibited a surprising diversity; some of them rose slantingbackwards, like the glacis of a fortification; some were elevated intwo distinct eminences, like the hills Helicon and Parnassus; and otherswere curled and reflected, as the horns of Jupiter Ammon. Next to these,the majors took place, many of which were mere succedanea, made by theapplication of an occasional rose to the tail of a lank bob; and in thelower form appeared masses of hair, which would admit of no description.
Their clothes were tolerably well suited to the furniture of theirheads, the apparel of the upper bench being decent and clean, while thatof the second class was threadbare and soiled; and at the lower endof the room, he perceived divers efforts made to conceal theirrent breeches and dirty linen; nay, he could distinguish by
theircountenances the different kinds of poetry in which they exercised themuse. He saw Tragedy conspicuous in a grave solemnity of regard; Satirelouring in a frown of envy and discontent; Elegy whining in a funeralaspect; Pastoral dozing in a most insipid languor of face; Ode-writingdelineated in a distracted stare; and Epigram squinting with a pertsneer. Perhaps our hero refined too much in his penetration, when heaffirmed, that, over and above these discoveries, he could plainlyperceive the state of every one's finances, and would have undertakento have guessed each particular sum without varying three farthings fromthe truth. The conversation, instead of becoming general, began to fallinto parties; and the epic poet had actually attracted the attention ofa private committee, when the chairman interposed, calling aloud, "Nocabals, no conspiracies, gentlemen." His rival, thinking it incumbentupon him to make some reply to this rebuke, answered, "We have nosecrets; he that hath ears, let him hear." This was spoke as anintimation to the company, whose looks were instantly whetted with theexpectation of their ordinary meal; but the president seemed to declinethe contest; for, without putting on his fighting face, he calmlyreplied, that he had seen Mr. Metaphor tip the wink, and whisper toone of his confederates, and thence judged, that there was somethingmysterious on the carpet.
The epic poet, believing his antagonist crest-fallen, resolved to takethe advantage of his dejection, that he might enhance his own characterin the opinion of the stranger; and, with that view, asked, with an airof exultation, if a man might not be allowed to have a convulsion in hiseye, without being suspected of a conspiracy? The president, perceivinghis drift, and piqued at his presumption, "To be sure," said he, "aman of a weak head may be very well supposed to have convulsions in hiseyes." This repartee produced a laugh of triumph among the chairman'sadherents; one of whom observed, that his rival had got a smart rap onthe pate. "Yes," replied the bard, "in that respect Mr. Chairman has theadvantage of me. Had my head been fortified with a horn-work, I shouldnot have been so sensible of the stroke." This retort, which carried asevere allusion to the president's wife, lighted up the countenances ofthe aggressor's friends, which had begun to be a little obumbrated;and had a contrary effect upon the other faction, till their chief,collecting all his capacity, returned the salute, by observing, thatthere was no occasion for a horn-work, when the covered way was notworth defending.
Such a reprisal upon Mr. Metaphor's yoke-fellow, who was by no meansremarkable for her beauty, could not fail to operate upon the hearers;and as for the bard himself, he was evidently ruffled by the reflection;to which, however, he, without hesitation, replied, "Egad! 'tis myopinion, that, if your covered way was laid open, few people wouldventure to give the assault."--"Not unless their batteries were moreeffectual than the fire of your wit," said the president. "As forthat matter," cried the other with precipitation, "they would haveno occasion to batter in breach; they would find the angle of the lapucelle bastion demolished to their hands--he, he!"--"But I believe itwould surpass your understanding," resumed the chairman, "to fill upthe fosse."--"That, I own, is impracticable," replied the bard, "there Ishould meet with a hiatus maxime deflendus!"
The president, exasperated at this insinuation, in presence of the newmember, exclaimed, with indignation in his looks, "And yet, if a bodyof pioneers were set at work upon your skull, they would find rubbishenough to choke up all the common sewers in town." Here a groan wasuttered by the admirers of the epic poet, who, taking a pinch of snuffwith great composure, "When a man grows scurrilous," said he, "I take itfor an undoubted proof of his overthrow."--"If that be the case," criedthe other, "you yourself must be the vanquished party, for you werethe first that was driven to personal abuse."--"I appeal," answered thebard, "to those who can distinguish. Gentlemen, your judgment."
This reference produced a universal clamour, and the whole college wasinvolved in confusion. Every man entered into dispute with his neighbouron the merits of this cause. The chairman interposed his authority invain; the noise grew louder and louder; the disputants waxed warm;the epithets of blockhead, fool, and scoundrel, were bandied about.Peregrine enjoyed the uproar, and, leaping upon the table, soundedthe charge to battle, which was immediately commenced in ten differentduels. The lights were extinguished; the combatants thrashed one anotherwithout distinction; the mischievous Pickle distributed sundry randomblows in the dark, and the people below, being alarmed with the soundof application, the overturning of chairs, and the outcries of those whowere engaged, came up-stairs in a body with lights to reconnoitre, and,if possible, quell this hideous tumult.
Objects were no sooner rendered visible, than the field of battleexhibited strange groups of the standing and the fallen. Each of Mr.Metaphor's eyes was surrounded with a circle of a livid hue; and thepresident's nose distilled a quantity of clotted blood. One of thetragic authors, finding himself assaulted in the dark, had, by way of aponiard, employed upon his adversary's throat a knife which lay upon thetable, for the convenience of cutting cheese; but, by the blessing ofGod, the edge of it was not keen enough to enter the skin, which it hadonly scratched in divers places. A satirist had almost bit off the earof a lyric bard. Shirts and neckcloths were torn to rags; and there wassuch a woeful wreck of periwigs on the floor, that no examinationcould adjust the property of the owners, the greatest part of whom wereobliged to use handkerchiefs by way of nightcap.
The fray, however, ceased at the approach of those who interposed; partof the combatants being tired of an exercise in which they hadreceived nothing but hard blows; part of them being intimidated by theremonstrances of the landlord and his company, who threatened to callthe watch; and a very few being ashamed of the scandalous disputein which they were detected. But though the battle was ended, it wasimpossible, for that evening, to restore harmony and good order to thesociety, which broke up, after the president had pronounced a short andconfused apology to our adventurer, for the indecent uproar which hadunfortunately happened on the first night of his admission. Indeed,Peregrine deliberated with himself, whether or not his reputation wouldallow him to appear again among this venerable fraternity; but, as heknew some of them to be men of real genius, how ridiculous soever theircarriage might be modified, and was of that laughing disposition, whichis always seeking food for mirth, as Horace observes of Philippus:
Risus undique quaerit;--
he resolved to frequent the college, notwithstanding this accident,which happened at his inauguration; being thereto, moreover, induced byhis desire of knowing the private history of the stage, with which hesupposed some of the members perfectly well acquainted. He was alsovisited, before the next meeting, by his introductor, who assured him,that such a tumult had never happened since the first institution of theassembly, till that very night; and promised that, for the future, heshould have no cause to be scandalized at their behaviour.
Persuaded by these motives and assurances, he trusted himself once morein the midst of their community, and everything proceeded with greatdecorum; all dispute and altercation was avoided, and the collegeapplied itself seriously to the purposes of its meeting, namely, to hearthe grievances of individuals, and assist them with salutary advice.The first person that craved redress was a noisy North Briton, whocomplained, in a strange dialect, that he had, in the beginning of theseason, presented a comedy to the manager of a certain theatre, who,after it had lain six weeks in his hands, returned it to the author,affirming there was neither sense nor English in the performance.
The president, who, by the bye, had revised the piece, thinking his ownreputation concerned, declared, in presence of the whole society,that, with regard to sense, he would not undertake to vindicate theproduction; but, in point of language, no fault could be justly laid toits charge. "The case, however, is very plain," said he; "the managernever gave himself the trouble to peruse the play, but formed a judgmentof it from the conversation of the author, never dreaming that it hadundergone the revisal of an English writer; be that as it will, you areinfinitely obliged to him for having despatched you so soon, and I
shallhave the better opinion of him for it so long as I live; for I haveknown other guise authors than you, that is, in point of interest andfame, kept in continual attendance and dependence during the best partof their lives, and, after all, disappointed in the expectation ofseeing their performances exhibited on the stage."
CHAPTER XCIV.