by Mercy B
No, G hadn’t awakened, and neither had she informed me that she was equipped with enough strength to toggle with our daughter. Concern managed to find me, as did Gauge’s motherly instincts. Even in her unconscious state, she was exuding her mothering qualities. Damn. That shit did something to a nigga.
No longer able to wait for either of them to rise or caring how much G fussed at me when she realized what I had done, I leaned down and began whispering in Sophia’s ear. I knew she’d help me out and get her mother up, so I started with her first. Per usual, as I whispered sweet nothings in her ear, she began smiling in her sleep as she tried opening her eyes. Either baby girl was exhausted, or she was enjoying the feeling of being wrapped in her mother’s arms. Whatever the case was, it took at least three minutes of convincing and a few nudges to wake her up.
“Sophia. I need your help, momma,” I informed her, leaving her on the bed as she stretched her little limbs and woke up.
There was nothing in life that I enjoyed more than my daughter. She was a true thrill. Chuckling to myself at my antics, I waited for Sophia’s squealing. No, she wasn’t spoiled, but she liked to be cuddled in the morning. Plus, I was certain that she needed a diaper change. Baby girl hated to be anything but dry.
“There we go,” I whispered as Sophia began to cry out for help.
Poor thing was wrestling with the air, kicking and punching. As suspected, her mother began to stir from her snooze finally. Obviously confused and discombobulated, G reached for Sophia and pulled her even closer. The grogginess in her voice was evident as she encouraged Sophia to quiet down while trying to get an understanding of where she was and how she’d gotten in bed with her daughter.
“Shhhhhh.” She rubbed Soph’s back. “Shhhhh. Daddy’s coming.”
As long as she knows. I smiled to myself. Gauge found comfort in my rescues, and so did Sophia. And every chance I got, I planned on saving them from their miseries, whatever they may be. Instead of making either of them wait a second longer, I grabbed Sophia from Gauge’s arm and pulled her to the edge of the bed.
“Sosa?” Gauge questioned.
“Yeah, G?” I asked.
“What am I doing here?” She looked around the room, still lying down. The thought of sitting her up so she could feed Sophia crossed my mind as I removed the stained diaper from our daughter’s bottom.
I wasn’t sure if this was a trick question or what, but I lied to keep her composure. “You asked me to come get you last night. Don’t you remember?”
There was silence before a sigh or two. Truthfully, a nigga was afraid to even look up at G, as if she could beat my ass or something in her current state. Still, I didn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes when she realized what had really happened, because I was certain that she would. When the shit hit the fan, all hell would break loose.
“You’re lying,” she stated calmly, or maybe it was rage that kept her voice low.
Finally, I looked up to see rosy cheeks and folded corners of her mouth. She wasn’t happy at all. Shit.
“G. Can we not do this right now?”
“No, we’re doing this right fucking now, Sosa. Are you insane? Do you understand that you literally kidnapped me against my will?” G was trying her hardest to push herself up from the bed. The shit was breaking my heart to watch, knowing that she wouldn’t succeed. She simply wasn’t ready for that type of strenuous activity.
“Yeah, and yeah.” I shrugged, confessing to both insanity and kidnapping. There was no use in covering my shit.
“And you’re saying that shit like it is okay.” Mortified, her nostrils flared and cheeks rose even higher to accommodate the frown that adorned her beautiful face.
“It is, considering the circumstances. You should’ve been here in the first place. You made me do this.”
It was true. She had. All of that shit she’d been talking the previous night had my blood boiling. Besides, she was the one who’d called me. I was minding my own damn business and had no intentions of staging a kidnapping with our near four-month old daughter in the car waiting. It was just the way shit went down, and I didn’t regret one second of it.
“I made you do this?” Her neck curved in disbelief before a sarcastic chuckle left her throat.
“Yeah. You ain’t have to choose me, but you should’ve chosen Sophia.” I reasoned with her and that had nothing to do with my ill feelings toward her turning her back on me.
It had everything to do with the little girl that laid before me with her hand stuck in her mouth because she was hungry. Still, I couldn’t understand why G had decided to spend another second without her.
“Chosen Sophia? I did choose Sophia. Choosing Sophia is what got me into the predicament that I am in now. Choosing Sophia, a second time, is what is going to get me out of this situation. Just because I didn’t want to be laid up with you doesn’t mean I didn’t choose my fucking daughter. How dare you?”
Spit flew from her mouth as she spoke. The steam that had been brewing inside had made its appearance and was coming from her nostrils and ears. She was on fire, but I couldn’t care less at this point. We all knew the truth hurt.
“I’m just calling it like it is, G. It’s eight bedrooms in this bitch. Eight bathrooms. You could’ve laid in any one of them motherfuckers and not have worried about me.” Shrugging, I picked Sophia up and grabbed the bottle from the warmer. G seemed too pumped to even attempt to feed her at the moment, and I didn’t feel like asking.
“I was all the way across fucking town in a bed, and that didn’t keep you away, so why the fuck should I believe me being in the same house would?”
Okay, she may have had a point, but that was beside the point that I was making. And if she wanted to be frank about this distance situation, then I would be. I wasn’t the only addict here.
“Because you wouldn’t have been talking that reckless ass shit you was talking last night. Instead of hollering ’bout another nigga, if you were here, then you would’ve been hollering my name. Instead of me jacking my dick and you playing with your pussy ’til your little ass fell asleep.
“I sanitized your hands for you when I got here. I can recognize the smell of my pussy anywhere. Don’t think I’m dumb either. You may have been trying to hold your shit together, but you wanted to be here. I saw the messages you sent to your father, telling him that you were considering it, but you chose to go with an around-the-clock nurse instead. An around-the-clock nurse, G, when you’ve got me? Ready and willing to take care of you?”
She’d completely run me hot. My entire body felt like I’d been tossed in a bowl of boiling water or had that shit poured over me. Gauge knew what was up, and she knew that this was where she belonged. So I was confused as to how she could confess that shit to someone else but allow her pride to keep her planted where she was.
“I don’t need you taking care of me, Sosa.”
That fucking chip on her shoulder. That big ass ego she had. That mountain of pride. It all had to go. If I had to break her ass down to dissolve it all, I would, no questions asked. Gauge needed an awakening, and I was the right motherfucker to give it to her ass. She was sick. It didn’t matter what she wanted. What she needed was my only concern. And right now, she needed me. And Sophia. And to be right here in the home I’d had built and designed for our family!
“Why the fuck not? Obviously, no one else is doing that shit. You got a nigga that can supply your physical, mental, and emotional needs, and you’d rather play with your pussy, send little coded texts at night, and spend more of my money by hiring a nurse to work longer hours. That’s bullshit. I can take care of all of that for you, G.” Sophia was starting to stir in my arms as I yelled at her mother. Baby girl could sense my frustration, and I wanted to chill. Yet her mother needed to hear every word from my mouth.
“You’re taking care of Sophia!” she yelled with tears in her eyes. “I’m not some sympathy case, Sosa, and you can’t treat me like one either. When I returned to So
phia, I wanted to be well. I wanted to be able to give you a helping hand, not become a burden.” She was so full of herself, speaking up for me when I could speak for myself. It was appalling, the fact that she had this all wrong. The wrong idea about everything.
“A burden? Get that shit out of your head, G. This is what motherfuckers do for the people they love. They step up to the fucking plate, Gauge. What is the problem with me doing the same? You’re letting your pride overrule your logic, and that shit is going to get you fucked up.
“You need me, and you know it. Yet you are trying your hardest to push me into some corner that I’m not willing to get in. You’ve got me fucked up! Yeah, kidnapping you may have been a bit extreme, but I ain’t ashamed of it. Sometimes, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do! I knew if I didn’t take matters into my own hands, you’d never agree to nothing, not even if it was in your best interest, and I was right.”
“Fuck you!” she yelled. “Fuck you, Sosa. I swear to God I’ve been getting punished since the day that I met you! I regret the day that we ever crossed paths!”
Both Sophia and Gauge were in full blown screaming matches by then, but I remained calm. “You regret the day we ever crossed paths,” I repeated with a nod of the head.
Somewhere deep inside, I felt as if she was honest with her words. She may have felt like her life had taken a turn for the worst since meeting me, but mine hadn’t been better. I couldn’t have imagined my life with her and Sophia, but now I couldn’t imagine it being any other way. Yes, she was giving me hell, but she had every right to. I’d fucked up, and I’d fucked up big time.
There was a time when Gauge had trusted me with her life. She trusted me to brighten her days and make her nights more enjoyable. She trusted me to be there to pick her up when she fell and help her get back on track if she ever strayed from her path. She trusted me with her heart, the most valuable vessel of them all. And just like a nigga, I had broken that trust, and these were the results.
Bitterness.
Pride.
Pain.
Resentment.
Rejection.
And a host of other emotions and terms that summed up the worst of her. As I stared back at her with tears staining her face, I wanted to make it all vanish. Shit, I’d been trying, but she wasn’t ready. As much as I wanted to rush her, I knew that this would take time. Her entire pregnancy, I gave her hell from over a thousand miles away. Yet she stayed down and made sure that my return was guaranteed.
Then she came to find me, and I gave her my ass to kiss again. I wasn’t sure if she’d ever forgive me, because I hadn’t forgiven myself, but I wanted her to try. With everything going on, maybe that was too much to ask of her and selfish of me. I didn’t know the difference, but I knew that something had to give.
“Aight, G.” Lifting from the bed, I decided to give her the space she needed to breathe and adjust to her revelations.
“Give me my daughter.” She fired off with her hands in the air. “I want to feed her.” The bass in her voice had lowered and transformed into a whimper.
I’d seen her cry more in the last two weeks since she’d been awake than I had since I’d known her. Her paralysis and my presence were taking a toll on her emotionally. At that moment, I made a mental note to seek a therapist. The pain of it all seemed to be too much to bear, and I didn’t want to ignore the signs before something tragic happened.
“It’s your world, G,” I reminded her, handing Sophia over.
She immediately stopped crying as her mother cradled her. I handed Gauge the bottle and a burping cloth before removing myself from the room. There was no doubt in my mind that they were straight. I exited the room with an even heavier load on my back and a sadness that I could never explain. Gauge was the only person who could do that to me. She reminded me that it was possible for me to fail, because I’d done just that to her.
Chapter 13
Gauge
All day, it had only been Sophia and me. We played, watched movies, and talked to one another for hours. Although I was everything but happy, Sophia helped me to neglect my worries. The time spent with her was so amazingly beautiful. I’d even managed to change her diaper without calling on her father for help. Everything she needed was on the nightstand beside the bed, even the water for her bottles so that I could feed her.
My hungriness was what I wasn’t able to tend to. I’d waited hours after the first sign of hunger to make the dreadful call that included hearing Sosa’s voice and requiring his presence. The thought was so repulsive that I’d rather starve, but I had medications that I needed to take, and they required a meal beforehand.
As I grabbed my cell from the opposite end of the bed, I dwelled in the fact that even in knowing Sosa had taken me against my will, I hadn’t attempted to call my father or anyone else that could possibly help me. It was simply because this was where I wanted to be. Right here with Sophia, enjoying her company and watching her grow. I couldn’t fully care for her, but I could really be of use to her father. He’d done so well, and I wanted to contribute in spite of all else.
“I took the initiative to go grab you something to eat, knowing that you’d starve before you told me you were hungry.” Sosa appeared at the door with a Chipotle bag in his hand and a cup of water in the other. My taste buds rejoiced, and they hadn’t even gotten the food yet.
“And I’ve got your meds. Everything you need for today has been sorted. Here’s the water to help you knock them back.”
“Where’s my nurse, Sosa? She’s usually with me at this time,” I questioned, wanting some assistance to the bathroom. My bladder was chastising me for holding my urine for so long.
“Here. I can take Sophia while you eat. It is time for her to go down for the night anyway. Anything else you need?”
“My nurse.”
“I’m going to be in the other room, getting her ready for bed. Just holler if you need me.” Sosa set everything that I needed on the bed except the water. He’d placed that on the nightstand before grabbing our daughter.
“Sosa,” I called out but was ignored.
Intentionally, he’d avoided my questions and continued as if I weren’t speaking to him. To say that I was livid was putting it lightly! Not only did I have to piss, but I needed to brush my teeth and do the other shit that I hadn’t all day because his crazy ass had decided on kidnapping me. Blowing out in frustration, I focused on what I could actually do at the time, and that was filling my stomach before my food was too cold.
An hour later, and Sosa still hadn’t come to my rescue. Putting my pride aside, I shot him a text message to let him know that I was in need of his assistance. I waited for at least a minute for his response.
I need help.
No you don’t.
What? His response was baffling. What did he mean by it?
What do you mean, no I don’t.
He didn’t respond, so I waited on the bed for him to return. After a few minutes, he appeared at the door, scratching his head and avoiding eye contact. If I had the strength, I would’ve run over and smacked the shit out of him, but I didn’t.
“What’s up?”
“Where the fuck is my nurse? Stupid ass, nigga!” Furious, spit flew from my mouth as I spoke.
“Nurse?” He chuckled.
“Yes, motherfucker. My nurse.”
“You mean your crutch?” The words haunted me as he continued. “Fired that bitch. And the one you planned to hire around the clock. Fired her ass before she was fully hired. Any more questions?”
“You did what?” My brows raised, and face turned upward into a frown.
“Fired them. You know what that means, right? Or has your brain stopped working too?”
What was his problem, and where was this coming from? How could he keep a straight face while telling me that he’d fired the staff? And if I weren’t mistaken, he was actually taunting me with the shit. This wasn’t the Sosa that I’d been having a screaming match with hours ago
. This was a malicious prick that I had never laid eyes on before.
“Fuck you!”
“Na. My nigga, fuck you!”
“Nah. Fuck you, stupid son of a bitch!”
“They’ve said a million times that my mother could be a bitch sometimes, but that’s better than having a hoe ass pig for a mother any day. Let’s not mention, coward! Bitch couldn’t even woman up and raise you. The hoe left like it wasn’t nothing. I guess you take after ole girl though. How you just left your baby hanging and chose ya pop’s crib instead of being the mother that you’re supposed to be to Sophia. Like mother, like daughter, huh? Shit run through y’all blood or something?”
I was seeing color. Red, to be exact. Sosa had crossed every line imaginable. I cared nothing about his hatred for my deadbeat ass mother, but when it came to my Sophia and me, that’s where shit got twisted. To be compared to someone who left their child because they had no desire to be in her life was completely absurd.
And mean.
And ugly.
And hateful.
And demeaning.
And drastic.
And wrong!
I was nothing like her. I loved Sophia. I loved her more than I had ever loved anyone. There was no hiding the frustration and the anger. There was no hiding the tears. I was scorned by his words, and as much as I didn’t want to believe them, I wondered if they held any truth. I’d made the decision to leave with my father so easily, and I couldn’t help but think that it had everything to do with the woman who’d neglected me.
Seriously, were we alike?
Stunned into silence, I scoffed as my eyes prickled and nerve endings split into a million pieces. My palms grew sweaty, and the moisture of my mouth vanished. It felt as if someone had placed their hand around my neck and was squeezing for dear life.
“You mean your crutch?” his words replayed in the back of my head.
He thought of my nurse as a crutch of mine. Again, I wondered where the truth laid in his statement. Had I been using my nurse as a crutch? There were so many questions that needed answered, but for now, my bladder needed relief. Sitting and arguing back and forth with Sosa wasn’t going to grant me that relief. It was obvious that he wasn’t going to help me, so I was my only option at this point.