by Sandy Barker
She was magnificent.
So, here we are ten years and twice as many productions later, and my mum is channelling her inner Lady B for her ‘informal chat’ with Daniel. And hasn’t she got him on the back foot! ‘Well done, Mum,’ I think.
It was a huge leap of faith for Jack, of course. We’d only get one shot; it wasn’t like we could say to Daniel, ‘Oh, by the way, Abby’s mum who you just met? She was the stand-in. Can we go again?’
And, although it was all very last-minute, Jack arranged for Mum to have some pampering of her own, including a new outfit, before she was collected by a town car and driven to a small studio in downtown London. She said she loved ‘being feted about like Lady Muck’ and I adored Jack all the more for being so thoughtful.
‘Now, Daniel, our Abby is a career woman, as you know. How does that fare with you?’ Mum asks, staring right into the camera.
‘Oh, well, it’s marvellous that Abby has her career in … uh …’
‘Public service, Daniel. Surely, you’ve learnt that much about my daughter.’
‘Yes, of course. It’s marvellous that she wants to work with the … uh … public.’ Mum’s lips disappear into a thin line of disapproval. ‘I’ve always thought that women should work outside the home―if they want to,’ he adds, digging himself into a larger hole.
‘I see. And in your mind, how does that factor into who does the work inside the home?’
‘Inside?’
‘Domestic duties, Daniel. Do you contribute or will Abby be expected to manage the household on her own?’
‘Oh, well, it’s just me at the moment, in my flat, and I … uh … I do have a cleaning woman who comes once a fortnight, so Abby wouldn’t need to worry about that.’
‘So, you do think it’s the woman’s role to take care of domestic duties?’ Mum asks and I giggle. How on earth is Daniel supposed to respond to that?
‘No, no, not at all. In fact, if it would make her more comfortable―and we’d decided to make a home together, of course―I could hire a man to clean for us.’
‘Bahaha.’ I can’t help it. Daniel is unwittingly hilarious. From the shaking of Jack and Harry’s shoulders, they think so too and Jack shoots me a wink and a grin.
‘Let’s move on, shall we?’ asks my Lady B mum, commandeering the conversation once again. ‘Tell me what you love about our Abby?’
‘Oh, uh … she’s forthright. She’ll say exactly what she means,’ he says brightly. Not the most romantic response, but it’s not like I care. ‘And caring,’ he adds with perfect, ironic timing. ‘And she can be very funny.’ ‘If only he knew,’ I think.
‘And, of course, my daughter is beautiful.’ ‘That’s laying it on a bit thick, Mum.’
‘Undoubtedly,’ replies Daniel convincingly and I nod in appreciation of his excellent acting.
‘And what about her lifelong dream?’ Mum asks. Lifelong dream? This is a tangent we didn’t discuss and I’m curious where she’s going.
‘Her dream, you say?’
‘Yes, to own an exotic animal sanctuary. Surely, she’s mentioned it?’ If I’d been sipping on anything, it would have been a spit-take moment and I clap my hand over my mouth, sniggering beneath it.
‘That’s my favourite line,’ says Harry, ‘but wait ’til you hear his reply.’
I focus on the screen as Daniel’s eyes widen and he struggles to compose himself. ‘Oh, yes, the sanctuary! A wonderful idea―wonderful. In fact, my uncle has a parcel of land just north of the Scottish border that would be perfect.’
‘Bahahahahaha.’ This time Harry and Jack join in and Harry taps a button on the console in front of him to stop the replay.
‘Told ya! At least if Daniel does choose you, he’ll build you an animal sanctuary as a consolation prize!’ Harry eyes are alight with mirth, but Jack stops laughing.
‘Don’t even joke about that,’ he says.
‘Oh, chill out, it’s not gonna happen.’ Harry shakes his head and taps another button to resume the replay. I watch Jack frown at his brother, then look back at the screen. I’m not sure why, but this time it doesn’t irk me to see Jack’s jealousy flare up. In fact―and I hope this isn’t too egotistical―I’m rather enjoying it. I, Abigail Jones, have induced jealousy!
‘Well, you’ve obviously got it all thought out,’ says Mum in response to the Scottish land set aside to rehabilitate wayward lions and bears. ‘And children?’
‘I haven’t any, no.’
‘Well, I should hope not, but I was asking if you want them.’ Goodness, if they ever film a Downton Abbey reboot Mum could easily step in as the Dowager Duchess.
‘Oh, quite … uh, yes?’
‘This isn’t a quiz where you try to guess the correct answer, Daniel. Do you or do you not want to have children?’
‘I do.’
‘How many?’
‘Oh, one or two, I suppose.’ I doubt it. Daniel hasn’t mentioned having children to me―or any of the others, as far as I know. Mum’s mouth presses into a line again. ‘Or more. It would depend … on what my wife wanted … what Abby wanted, I mean … if I … or she … well …’
‘Hmm,’ responds my mother and Daniel’s expression is only a hair away from panicked.
‘Oh, poor man,’ I say. Not only has he revealed the depths of his shallowness (so to speak) but he’s been duped by a pensioner with a penchant for the dramatic.
‘Daniel, I’m terribly sorry, but I’m needed elsewhere. It’s been interesting speaking with you. At the very least, you’ve given me a lot to think about,’ she continues, as though this is a regency romance and it’s her decision whether Daniel and I end up together.
Like me, Daniel should never play poker, as his relief is unmistakable. ‘Excellent. Well, thank you … for your time, I mean. It was lovely to meet you, Mrs … uh …’
‘Jones,’ Mum supplies.
‘Yes, of course, I knew that. Just a silly forgetful moment. I hope you’ll forgive me.’
‘Goodbye, Daniel.’ Mum’s end of the video conference cuts out halfway through Daniel’s goodbye and he stares blankly at the screen, then closes his eyes and sighs. He’s clearly chastising himself and I feel a small tug of compassion. He’s not a terrible person. If anyone is terrible in this scenario, it’s the three of us sitting here like voyeuristic puppeteers, laughing heartily at a man who believed he was speaking to a prospective mother-in-law.
Laughing at him.
Of course, as Anastasia, I’ve done this for years―satire is steeped in cruel but funny conjecture. But just as it’s been getting more difficult to write unkind things about my fellow Does, perhaps this is a turning point with regards to Daniel. I recall the conversation we had at the wildlife park about his romantic misses, how he’d rebuked himself for being so didactic all the time, and I come to a rather stark conclusion.
He’s a person, Abby.
Before I can consider the repercussions of this thought, the episode moves onto Daniel’s video conference with Kaz’s mum, dad, and brother, Daz, in which Kaz’s recent disclosure that she’s the reserved member of her family, is proven true.
I jot down various notes and laugh-out-loud lines for my recap, but my mind is preoccupied, fretting even. Somehow, I’ll need to reconcile my newfound empathy for Daniel with what’s to come as we film the end of the season.
‘It’s been good getting to know your mum these past few days,’ says Jack.
‘I’m glad. I like that you’ve sort of met.’
‘I’ll have to send her some flowers or something, as a thank you. She was awesome―way beyond what I expected.’
‘I miss her.’
‘I bet you do,’ he says, trailing his fingertips along the inside of my forearm. ‘Not long now.’
‘I suppose.’ I’ve a myriad of thoughts and emotions pinging off each other―a chaotic maelstrom of confusion. I’m worried, elated, ashamed, turned on. Really, Jack must stop stroking me like that or we’ll end up consummating our attra
ction in the Control Room―more irony! Lack-of-Control Room, more like.
‘Abs?’ Jack peers at me, concerned. ‘I know that look. What’s going on in there?’ he asks, his eyes flicking to my forehead then landing back on mine.
‘If it ever gets out who I am―I mean, really―Daniel is going to come off looking like a dupe.’
His head tilts to the side and he nods like he’s considering what I’ve said. ‘Or he comes across as the vacuous dick that he is.’
‘Perhaps. But then there are the other Does. They’ll hate me.’
‘Then we need to make sure it never comes out.’
‘It doesn’t matter. They’ll hate me anyway after they see the latest episodes. I’m the Villain, remember?’
‘They’ll realise it’s all in the editing―’
‘But that’s just it. It isn’t. There are the confessionals too.’
‘Mmm, right. Who are you closest to? Kaz? Becca?’
‘Yes.’
‘Anyone else?’
‘Elizabeth and I got fairly close and I thought perhaps we’d be friends when I return to England … I haven’t said anything about her in my confessionals, but Kaz … and Becca …’ I drop my chin. ‘You know, before I came here, I thought this would be exceedingly difficult.’
‘And you were right.’
‘No, it’s far worse than I thought.’
‘Oh,’ he replies, his voice thick with disappointment.
My head snaps up. ‘No, no, not you. You’re one of the bright sparks in all this―you and the girls. But now we’ve dragged my mum into it. And anyone who knows Mum and sees her on The Stag playing Lady Bracknell―it will be so obvious something’s up! I stupidly didn’t think that part through,’ I add, giving myself a serve.
‘Hey, hey,’ says Jack, ‘you weren’t stupid. It was a good idea, Abby. And let’s say someone does see your mum on the show―she can just tell them that we coached her. They’ll buy that―people know that reality TV isn’t really real.’
‘Actually, you’re right, that does make sense. You gave her a makeover and you coached her.’ I sigh, relieved. ‘And the girls?’ I ask, hopeful he has another brilliant idea.
‘Let’s just play that by ear, okay?’
‘Does that translate to “I have no idea”?’
‘Pretty much, but I’ll think about it, okay? And I’ll talk to Harry. Maybe it’s another NDA thing.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Maybe we draw up new ones for Kaz and Becca so you can tell them you were coached―that we needed a Villain and you stepped in―even that we scripted what you said in your confessionals.’
‘So … “Here Kaz, we’re about to tell you something extra confidential, but before we do, sign this”?’
‘Why not? Look, I’ll talk to Harry, see what he thinks. I may even be able to sneak it past Roberta―go straight to legal.’
‘Do you know what I look forward to?’
‘What?’
‘That one day soon, I’ll be able to live my life without making or breaking a non-disclosure agreement.’
‘It feels a bit like that, huh?’
‘It’s just another layer of deception―which I hate. You know, I’m fairly certain Daniel thinks I’m a spy.’
Jack laughs. ‘Oh, he totally does. I’m sure that’s a big part of why he’s into you.’
‘That and my passion for saving exotic animals.’
He chuckles. ‘Your mum … oh, man … yeah, the first time I saw that I laughed for a good solid minute.’
‘She’s quite witty, isn’t she?’
‘Must be where you get it from.’
How have I never thought of that before? Or that I’m witty. I mean, Anastasia is, of course. ‘God, Abby, when will you get it through your thick head that Anastasia’s witty because you are?’ Bleh. It’s exhausting even contemplating all the mental and emotional untangling I’ll need to do when I get home.
Home. Another thing to untangle.
‘Wherever I lay my hat, that’s my home.’ Well, that’s been true enough for the past eight weeks or so. Stag Manor has become like home, this motley crew like a family. I’ll miss them.
‘There’s no place like home.’ Mostly true, Dorothy, but this girl’s home is devoid of a gorgeous Australian and no magic ruby slippers will fix that.
‘Home is where the heart is.’ Now we’re getting to the heart of it, so to speak, the reason for my constant undercurrent of unease. Where is home if Jack is in Australia and I’m back in the UK? And even that question is an enormous presumptuous leap. What if everything I’m feeling is one-sided?
‘Is there something else on your mind?’ asks Jack, watching me curiously. Oh god, I can only imagine which thoughts have manifested on my face.
‘Abby?’ Dare I tell him the truth?
‘I just …’ ‘Oh, Abby, out with it,’ I think. ‘Jack, what are we doing?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean, this is all quite fun and exciting, the sneaking about, but it’s also rather …’
‘Confusing?’ he says right as I say, ‘PG.’
‘Confusing?’ I echo.
‘Oh, I thought that’s where you were going with … never mind.’
‘So, is this just a flirtation?’ I ask, my throat strangling the last word.
‘No, what? No, Abby, definitely not. I just meant … I … oh, shit. I am totally messing this up, aren’t I?’
‘I honestly have no idea, Jack. I’m new to all this. I don’t know what my lines are, let alone yours.’
He smiles, his eyes creasing at the corners. ‘You’re incredible, you know that right?’ I shake my head. ‘Well, take my word for it.’
He dips his head and his lips capture mine, possessive and hungry. I slide my arms up around his neck, and my fingers caress the soft skin at his nape. Jack moans at my touch, his breath mingling with mine and his thumbs and fingers imprint on my lower back as he pulls me closer. My body is on fire, my insides tingling in the loveliest way, but my mind won’t let go of one niggling thought.
‘What happens now?’
And not now, as in right this minute, but when the show wraps and I am supposed to get on a plane back to the UK. I still don’t know what we even are.
‘Hey, do you have a sec?’ Becca is standing in the doorway of our room and I invert my book and rest it on my chest. It’s good timing. I just got to a racy part and, as much as I usually enjoy those, it will no doubt add to my frustration. Storeroom kisses are somewhat wanting.
‘Of course, what’s up?’
Becca frowns and crosses to her bed where she sits facing me. ‘I think I should move out.’ I’ve been waiting for this, of course. Two of us will go home after the next Pin Ritual and it would be (very) odd if the top two Does were still sharing a room.
Even so, I feel rubbish about it because the figurative walls that are forming between us will become tangible. I place the book on my bedside table and sit up. ‘Want a better view?’ I joke and she smiles weakly. ‘I understand, Becca. I’ll miss you, but I do understand.’
‘I’ve been meaning to―’ She cuts herself off. ‘It’s just … it’s never felt like the right time and now, with only four of us left. It’s a bit …’
‘It is.’
‘And I keep thinking … what if it’s us, Abby―top two?’
‘I was just thinking the same thing.’
‘Is that what you’re hoping for?’ she asks.
‘You mean, it being you and me?’
‘Yeah.’
‘It’s not a simple question, is it?’ I reply. It’s cowardly, answering a question with a question, but I’ve been dreading this conversation and even anticipated, it’s still difficult.
‘No.’
‘Look, Becca, no matter what happens, I am genuinely your friend, all right?’
‘Even if Daniel chooses me?’ Ah, yes, the conundrum of a ‘genuine friendship’ built on a web of lies. What can I possibly
say that’s sincere but won’t give the game away? Especially as I wouldn’t wish Daniel on someone as lovely as Becca.
I scour my mind for the perfect reply and land on, ‘If Daniel chooses you, then he is a very lucky man.’
Her smile brightens her eyes and she reaches across the space between us to grab and squeeze my hand. ‘Same, Abs. If he chooses you.’
‘N-D-A!’ my mind screeches, though with all the truths I want to tell Becca, the sheaf of legal pages would fill a filing cabinet.
‘Do you want to stay here and I’ll move rooms?’ I offer in lieu of a confession. I can at least save her the inconvenience of having to pack, then immediately unpack.
‘Nah, it’s okay. I’ll move into the Cruella Sisters’ old room. It’s got the biggest en suite,’ she says, adding a cheeky smile.
The Stag in Sydney Recap: Ready, steady, go!
by Anastasia Blabbergasted
Well, well, well, faster than you can say, ‘Crikey, is that Nicole Kidman?’ The Stag in Sydney has taken a turn for the … er … surprising! If this were an episode of FRIENDS, it would be called, ‘The one with the lesson in humiliation’.
* * *
This mad-capped episode commences with a series of sports day-style games to determine who gets the last one-on-one date with our Staggy! Think Ninja Warrior but with less ninja and far less warrior.
* * *
Gordo seems to be revelling in his role as race officiant, taking a ridiculously long time between ‘ready’, ‘steady’, and ‘go’. Come on, Gordo, our Does have places to go and a Stag to see and surely, you’re not being paid by the second!