by Lucy Coleman
I need to keep this simple, as I have no intention of revealing my true feelings to him. I’m done with heartbreak and there’s no point in self-inflicting even more pain than I already have to cope with.
‘To make a success of my business and live in a cosy three-bedroom house somewhere green and leafy, with two cats and a dog. And lots of peace and quiet.’
‘Isn’t there something missing?’
‘If you mean a man, then no. Sex, well, that’s a maybe.’
Cary sits back in his chair and sighs.
‘Why does it have to be so complicated?’
‘It’s only complicated when you tie yourself to the wrong person, as I can confirm from bitter experience.’
‘So it’s still a no, then? But you won’t walk away now and leave me stranded, will you?’ He looks at me intently.
This situation we find ourselves in has to be unpicked carefully and I’m more aware of that than ever, now.
‘You focus on trying to get Cressida and Matthew talking, rather than fooling her into believing she’s going to acquire another granddaughter-in-law, and I’m still in.’ In truth, I don’t have a choice.
‘You’re a tough negotiator, Leesa and one hard woman,’ he declares but it’s an offer he can’t refuse.
The truth makes my stomach churn. My parents and my sister think Cary is perfect and now that’s a major headache for me.
And your mouth is very kissable, Cary Anderson, ignoring the fact that I’ve just turned down the worst proposal ever to move in with a man. But you weren’t offering me your heart, just a revised contract full of small print.
That little voice is screaming in my ear, Why couldn’t it have been a genuine proposal? The fact is that Cary isn’t looking for a long-term relationship and commitment. He’s looking for an easy way out when it comes to solving his problems.
*
‘How is life treating you, Leesa?’
Robert offered to walk me down to a small brook that filters across one of the fields, while Cary is engaged in conversation with his nephew.
‘Um, well, let’s just say it’s a little testing right now.’
I know Robert’s interest is real, but life has become so complicated I can’t even begin to explain it. Besides, he’d be horrified if I told him the truth, and disappointed in both Cary, and me.
‘Ah. I did wonder. Something Cressida hinted at before we decided to spend less time together.’
I turn, and I can see that wasn’t a slip, he wanted me to know.
‘Is Cary aware?’
He shakes his head. ‘I doubt Cressida would have shared our decision. It’s for the best. She never was going to be mine, but it does hurt. She said she was setting me free although there was no arrangement between us. Just an unspoken, mutual respect, I suppose, and that’s where it ended for her.’
He looks away and we continue for a while in silence.
‘It hurts to love someone when they don’t return that love in the same way,’ he admits.
‘Loneliness is an awful thing, Robert. I do hope you can move on.’
‘Everything changes with time. I’m going to be doing a bit of travelling and I can’t wait to cross some of those destinations off my bucket list.’
He smiles and there’s no bitterness, just acceptance tinged with sadness. But there’s a little gleam I see in his eyes.
‘An old friend has recently returned to the UK. Gina is an artist and she’s been living in France for a while; she’s a lovely lady with a very outgoing personality. We’ve decided to head off on a bit of a holiday together, starting with a couple of months touring Europe. Well, she’s pulled me into her plans, is the truth of it. But you know, maybe that’s just what I need. She doesn’t want to frighten me off.’ He lowers his voice conspiratorially, giving me a wink.
‘And the farm?’
‘My nephew will manage it. He’s still learning the ropes but the men I employ have been with me for a long time. They’ll soon learn to work together as a team. I’ve done my bit and now it’s time to kick back.’
‘That’s wonderful to hear, Robert, you deserve it.’
He glances behind us for a moment, his eyes alighting on Cary.
‘You’re an important part of Cressida’s plan, you know. She believes you’re the right person for Cary.’
Hearing those words crushes my heart as if someone has just stomped on it.
‘That hasn’t escaped my attention. This life isn’t for me, Robert. If I’m being honest the house is more suited to Laurence and Sally. Cressida must accept that and amend her plans accordingly, because Cary isn’t ready to commit to anyone.’
He slows to a halt, and we stare down at the little ribbon of babbling water as it swirls around a bend at the edge of the field. The sound is calming.
‘I’m really sorry to hear that, but there’s no telling her, Leesa. She’s at her wits’ end and if something doesn’t change soon, then I worry about the effect on her. She usually writes every single day, but she hasn’t written a word now in over two months.’
That’s incredible. And sad.
‘I knew she was struggling but now I understand her need to get away from it all. One assumes that as you get older, life gets easier. She has spent her life looking after everyone and, like yourself, it’s time for her to stand back. Writing is her joy and I’m so sorry to hear she’s being robbed of it. Cary would be devastated if he knew that.’
Robert kicks out idly at a tuft of grass with his work boot.
‘That’s why he mustn’t find out, but I wanted you to know what was driving this and it isn’t simply Cressida laying down the law. She’s a wonderful woman, but a troubled one at the moment. This stays just between us, right?’
For some reason I turn and instinctively throw my arms around Robert’s shoulders to give him a hug. He hugs back, much to my surprise.
‘Do what’s right for you, Leesa, then you can’t really go wrong. I’m about to do the same and what I’ve learnt is that forcing things for the wrong reason simply creates an even bigger problem.’
Unwittingly, Robert has just endorsed what feels like the biggest decision I’ve ever had to make – and that’s to accept there is nothing more I can do to help Cary. He is the only one who can seal his own destiny. Cressida has no choice but to accept that and I wonder if she will ever forgive me for giving up on him?
We stand here for a minute or so before turning to head back. Change is never easy, but it’s coming. For all of us.
28
Time to Face Facts
‘My darling, Leesa, it’s so wonderful to see you. Thank you for taking the time to come and visit, I know you’re busy at work. I keep badgering Cary for updates. It sounds like you are turning that business of yours on its head and that shows great courage.’
Cressida and I link arms as we walk into the dining room. Cary is distracted, probably rehearsing the little speech he has planned for later, in his head.
Nicholas is in the kitchen supervising the chef and it’s obvious Cressida has something special to share with us. Cary looks charming in his charcoal grey suit and white shirt, and one of my usual little black dresses looks chic, if a little boring. Cressida, on the other hand, arrived only an hour ago and has transformed herself into a vision of shimmering glory. Her black, floor-length dress has a cascade of gold beading raining down over one shoulder and I can’t help but think of the elegant starlets from her much adored black and white films.
While I tell Cressida about my future plans for the business, and then break the news about my sister’s wedding coming unglued, Cary becomes the wine waiter. Sounds from the kitchen indicate that there’s a lot going on and anyway, it gives him something to do.
Half an hour later, we get the signal to take our seats.
The table looks beautiful. The light from the silver candelabra creates a relaxing ambience which, it seems, is lost on us all. Cary is on edge; Cressida is warily watching him wondering what’s co
ming and I’m… I’m in the middle. I’m hoping my fears are unfounded and it doesn’t deteriorate quickly once Cary raises the topic of Matthew.
‘This is delicious, Cressida. I adore smoked salmon. Did you choose the menu?’
Well, it’s lame but someone needs to kick off the conversation.
‘I did. The trouble with hiring a chef is that he, or she, is out to impress. That often means keeping up with trends. The popularity of smoked salmon waxes and wanes. Tonight’s dinner is a facsimile of the first formal dinner party I hosted. The main course is chicken in red wine, but of course these days it has another name. Poor Chef, but some dishes are too good to be cast aside. Of course, in my original menu the dessert was Black Forest Gateau, something I never liked anyway. Chef will be creating a special chocolate dessert for us as a surprise.’
Cressida is happy to chatter away but Cary isn’t even listening, by the look of it.
‘Anything to report, Cary?’
He must realise that his behaviour so far will strike her as a little distant, to say the least.
‘No. No change for the moment.’
Cressida pushes her plate away to focus her full attention on her grandson.
‘There’s something bothering you, it’s obvious. Would you care to share it before it spoils the entire meal and my little announcement?’
Eek.
Nicholas appears to begin clearing the plates and Cressida extends her arm to put her hand gently on his as he draws near.
‘Slight change of plan, Nicholas, and do please apologise to Chef. Can you hold off serving the main course for a short while? I will give you the nod when we are ready. I know it will send the kitchen into panic mode but a little silver foil and a reheat in the microwave is a small price to pay.’
She begins laughing and Nicholas follows suit.
‘Whatever you wish, Cressida. I’ll pour him a large glass of wine and I know he can’t resist a game of cards.’
For all the formality that is a part of her life, and Nicholas’ in service to her, there is a sound understanding and friendship between them. No wonder she’s anxious about his impending retirement, as he is irreplaceable to her.
‘Right, Cary, it’s time to speak from the heart. Even if it’s something I don’t want to hear.’
I wonder if Cary will back out, but he wipes his mouth on his napkin and sits tall in his chair.
‘I know about the affair, Grandma.’
As the seconds tick by she looks at him impassively.
‘Well, I’m shocked Matthew finally decided to speak up about it after all this time. And disappointed he chose to burden you with it now, Cary.’ Her look is one of bitter disapproval. The tone is icy.
‘He needed to get it off his chest and, ironically, it was Leesa he told. I simply gatecrashed the conversation. What we learnt was that Granddad has never stopped loving you. It was you he really wanted to talk to that night, but you’ve shut him out.’
Cressida shakes her head, sadly.
‘Despite what Matthew might believe now, he really wasn’t hopelessly in love with me when we were first married. I was the one who was besotted with him, but he – well, let’s say that the physical attraction between us was stronger than his resolve. We had many differences of opinion and a great many rows in those early years, although I will admit a part of the problem was due to my fiery temperament. It was a long time ago, though, and the mind plays tricks.’
Cary shifts uneasily in his seat. He doesn’t want to go too far, but he can’t stop there.
‘You were young and with age comes wisdom, you’re always saying that. If you didn’t think he would eventually come to return your love in the same way, why did you marry him?’
It’s a fair question but I wish Cary’s tone wasn’t quite so challenging. He’s in danger of losing any goodwill his intervention might generate.
‘I was quite the party girl in those days. I fell in love with Matthew because he was different. I refused to listen to what my head was saying, and my parents encouraged me because they were relieved, I think. I know my father hoped that marriage would be a calming influence.’ She looks away, old memories making her eyes twinkle for a moment or two.
Cary glances at me and I shake my head discreetly, indicating that he shouldn’t interrupt her flow.
‘My mind was always chock-full of words. My imagination seemed to constantly pick up the little threads that make up our lives and weave them into little daydreams. Of course, there was always a happy ending in here—’ she taps her temple ‘—because I was an eternal optimist. Well, that was when I was young and inexperienced. Before reality set in.’
Cary is looking at her intently, maybe seeing a glimpse of the young Cressida for the very first time. What is a little worrying, is that suddenly Cressida has an air of… tiredness, or defeat, about her. Even in the short time I’ve known her it seems strangely out of character for this naturally bubbly, glass-half-full, lady.
‘But he came to understand what loving someone means and that’s why he left because he wanted what was best for you.’
She turns to look at Cary, reluctantly letting go of the memories for a moment to focus on his words.
‘Matthew packed his bags and walked away without so much as a word of explanation. That hurt almost as much as his infidelity, all those years before. Eve was a good-looking woman with a frailty that made the men she came into contact with want to protect her. I always felt she thought I was overly exuberant, as if the energy spilling out of me was in some way almost indecent. Have you heard of the term rude health? I was strong and vibrant, ready to grab life and run with it – I didn’t realise men needed to feel needed.
‘Here was this gentle, fragile woman, like a lily; a delicate flower in strong contrast to me – the robust daisy. Eve understood that in order to endear a man to you, you had to learn to rely upon him, even when you were perfectly capable of doing something for yourself. Everyone needs to feel needed. I saw that as total nonsense and, quite frankly, demeaning – to him, I might add. I refused to contain my passion for life. I never was going to be a softly-spoken, retiring lady who settled, or languished, simply to satisfy someone’s ego.’
Actually, I’m in awe of that statement as I watch this incredibly strong and brave woman raking over the past.
‘My life ended up being a battle of willpower versus fate, if you like. I wanted Matthew to love me as I was and see me as his soul mate, but sadly his affair proved that was never going to happen.’
Cary’s facial expression is strained; emotionally Cressida is showing him her pain and my heart aches for the disappointments she’s had to endure. Each one along the way must have felt like a huge slap in the face. She didn’t let anything erode that fierce determination of hers; however, I wonder when exactly she decided to give up on Matthew. After all, she still hasn’t agreed to a divorce, and I would hate to think that was her way of punishing him. In fact, I refuse to believe that, so there must be another reason.
‘Isn’t it time to give Granddad a chance to explain? The fact that he’s facing up to what he did after all these years surely means something?’ Cary’s voice is even, but what he’s restraining can’t be hidden and is reflected in his tone. It’s one of regret and anguish, mirroring my own sentiments at hearing her poignant words.
‘Merely that he’s getting old. It’s too late and I’m done. He can have the divorce, although unless one of us is going to enter into another relationship it seems like a waste of time and solicitors’ fees to me. Fate is a real force to be reckoned with and I’m tired.
‘Besides, it’s easier to live my life through my characters now. They feel the pain of life, but there’s always a happy ending because they have the sense to know when to give up on something. That’s what I always lacked, and my father knew that. He hoped that in marrying Matthew I would eventually learn that very valuable lesson in life and settle for what I had; what he felt was real. He didn’t realise quite how stub
born I could be when I wanted something.’ She half-laughs, as if it’s some private joke and I could cheerfully let open the floodgates and sob my heart out for her.
‘I let go of my dream to write and settled into the role of wife, homemaker and, a little later, a mother. That’s when everything in my world changed, because the love I felt for my children gave my life purpose. Later, of course, my grandchildren were to become a reason to keep on going after your darling mother died. But when, finally, I became a published author it gave me back something I feared I had lost. A belief in myself, I suppose and the realisation that my dreams weren’t simply empty promises to fill a void within me. I became loved for what I do and that was humbling.
‘I truly believe that it is only love that makes this life bearable. Money, possessions and all the trappings don’t make for happiness. So, I write about people who aren’t afraid of saying “I love you” to someone, because we all need to hear those words. Your granddad has never once told me that he loved me, and I believe it’s because I never really succeeded in touching his heart in that way. And that’s the truth of it.’
Neither Cary nor I know what to say, because there’s no doubt in our minds that when Matthew was talking about Cressida that night in the garden, he was speaking the truth. How had he never found the courage to tell her how he felt? Or at least admit the affair was a momentary lapse he bitterly regretted. Had Cressida unwittingly been her own worst enemy, so full of energy and so capable that Matthew felt he was… dispensable? Somehow not good enough to match the heroes in her head?
‘You must listen to what he has to say, Grandma. It isn’t over, it never will be. You owe him that.’
‘Do I? Because that isn’t how I see it, at all. It’s too little, too late, Cary. He’s too old to change his ways now and I don’t intend wasting what time I have left listening to his excuses.’
Is that what this is all about? Time is running out and Cressida has made up her mind to draw a line under the past as far as Matthew is concerned, to focus on Cary? In which case, I fear that there’s nothing Cary can say that will make a difference.