by Marlie May
“I do.” I lifted my chin. “For everything.”
“I’ll put Tom in the back of the car and then we can get the paperwork done.”
The cops hauled Tom into town, and Eli and I went back inside the house. By then, it was after eight.
“It looks like we’re stuck here overnight,” I said. “While I’m tempted to leave immediately, I’m worn out from what had happened and I don’t think I can handle a six-hour drive.”
Knowing he’d be worried, I tried to call Cooper, but he hadn’t picked up.
Eli dropped onto his side on the couch and groaned into the cushions. “My head is killing me. I’d drive if it wasn’t.”
“I’m really sorry. Let me see if there’s ice in the freezer.” Finding some, I sealed it in a bag and wrapped a thin towel around the package and gave it to him. He pressed it against his head, wincing.
“Is it okay with Jefferson that we stay here tonight?”
“Yeah. Finally reached him while you were in the bathroom. He’s in Florida. The lost job, him unable to register his car, even his sick mom? All made up by Tom. I let the police know the latest details.”
I shook my head, unable to believe the lengths Tom had gone to in order to trap me.
Fortunately, the cabin was decently stocked. I located food in the fridge and linens in a hall closet, which I used to make up a bed in the loft. Eli would sleep in Jefferson’s room. After eating, I climbed between the sheets, exhausted.
Tree frogs cheeped outside the open window. In the woods, a barred owl hooted, long and lonely. The wind stirred through the forest, whispering something I couldn’t quite understand.
I tried to call Cooper again but while the call went through, he didn’t pick up. At the beep, I left a message, explaining briefly what happened with Tom and how relieved I was that the horror I’d lived with over the past week was finally over.
We could talk about it tomorrow.
Tomorrow would also be the perfect time to tell him my feelings. I wanted to talk about us, about trying for something more.
Whatever he was willing to offer.
28
Cooper
The thought of this mission made my gut expand to the point of explosion. Unsteady, I stalked my father’s room, the boom of my pulse louder than the thud of my feet hitting the hardwood floor.
I didn’t want to do it, because getting on that plane meant a whole lot more than shipping out. It meant leaving Ginny. This wasn’t just about keeping her safe. I wanted to be with her in every way possible.
We hadn’t talked about a future. I knew she liked me, but was this only a short-term thing for her? I loved her but my love could be one-sided.
What was I going to do? My time had run out. A job waited for me, and I had to heed the call.
Boarding that plane, then a chopper that would transport me from Bagdad to beyond meant leaving her behind to worry. I couldn’t even to tell her where I was going or what I’d be doing. Or even when I’d be back.
With our relationship unsettled, I couldn’t ask her to follow me to the base to wait for my return. She’d be alone with no family to lean on. If something like the events of this past week happened to her, she’d be scared, and I’d be unable to do a damn thing to protect her. It would kill me to think she needed me and I couldn’t be there for her.
And I’d do it all over again with my next mission. This current one was short but most were a minimum of twelve weeks. Hell, six months was the norm.
Each subsequent deployment would drain more from her and steal her growing confidence. My eight years left in the military would mean eight years of Ginny’s life given over to fear of being alone. And fear of losing me.
I raked my scalp with hands that shook worse than when I’d stood outside my father’s door hours ago. The pain inside me surpassed the anguish I’d felt when I walked down the front walk after graduation, knowing I was on my own, that I could never return.
I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay here and—
The box my father left me lay on the floor by my feet, barely discernable in the dark. I couldn’t deal with whatever was inside now. I couldn’t deal with any of this now. If I was wise, I’d toss it into the dumpster where it could wallow with all the other crap from my past. Once the physical memories were gone, the intangible ones could finally be laid to rest.
Picking up the box, I carried it downstairs. When I propped tucked it under my arm while locking the door, small things shifted inside.
Ginny would’ve picked Eli up by now and they’d be heading home. The only question was, would I be here to greet her when she returned?
An ache pressed on my lungs, making each breath a struggle.
I drove to my hotel, planning to pack the box in my suitcase. The decision to dump it or not could be dealt with later. In the parking lot, I sat and tapped my hands on the wheel.
If I was an honorable soldier, I’d book the red-eye flight to California. I’d go inside the hotel, stuff everything into my bag, and return the rental. I’d call Ginny from the airport. Explain…something.
There was no reason I had to go back to my father’s house, but my body took me there anyway. Like a raven blown astray in a storm, I sought a familiar place to land. Shutting off my vehicle in the drive, I stared at the house. Light from the road glinted on the chipped paint. The roof shingles were in need of repair. A shutter hung askew. The building was worn but not broken.
Unlike me.
I opened my water bottle and took a long swallow.
Look around inside one more time. It’s your last chance.
Drink in hand, I forced my feet up the walk and into the house. My footsteps echoed in the dark, empty rooms, but the ghosts who’d lingered since death visited must’ve fled along with Dad’s possessions.
From upstairs, my phone beeped. Shit, I’d thrown it on the floor after taking that call. I retrieved it and saw Ginny had not only tried to reach me earlier today, but that she’d left a message.
After listening, I slumped against a wall. Wow. She’d fought Tom off and protected herself all on her own. I grinned at the image of her taking the other man down with a face full of pepper spray.
Ginny was stronger than she gave herself credit for.
Damn, but she’d come far already. In no time, she’d be free. This chapter of her life was just about over. Once convicted of the charges Ginny had filed—let alone the possible murder of his wife, Tom would be locked up for a long time.
Did Ginny really need me around any longer?
I lowered myself to the floor and leaned against the wall. Staring forward blindly, the phone fell from my hand. I lifted the water bottle in a silent toast to my past.
I’d only intended to say goodbye to my childhood home one last time but memories of all that had been and all that should’ve been crowded back into my mind.
Mom. Dad. Me. If I’d asked Mom to stay home that night, she’d still be alive. If I’d begged harder, Dad wouldn’t have lifted a bottle. If I’d done more, been more, achieved more…
Throwing everything away had made no difference. I couldn’t dispose of my past. I carried it with me wherever I went, a sack of regrets on my back.
Ginny. My heart played a tune only she understood.
I smudged my burning eyes with my palms. Why had I thought a fragmented man could give her what she needed? That the limited time I had to offer would be enough? She was moving beyond her past, finding a new future for herself here in Maine. Stress for me would only drive her backward.
And I’d force her there.
I loved her. But, if I truly loved her, I’d let her go. I’d leave her to find someone who could be there for her always.
Just do it.
I called the airport and arranged my flight. It would leave in just under three hours. Shoving my phone into my pocket, I stared around wildly.
Do it.
At my hotel, I packed my things. I dumped everything into the trunk of my re
ntal. After dropping off the car, I took a shuttle to the airport where I checked my bags and slumped in a chair to wait for my flight.
Why aren’t you doing it?
My sigh bled from my lungs, because I didn’t want to say what needed to be said. I’d hurt her, something I’d been determined never to do.
It would kill me.
I stared at my phone for a long time before dialing her number.
She picked up at the first ring.
“Cooper! I’m so glad you called. Reception’s crappy here but I was going to keep trying until I got through to you tonight. Did you get my message?”
“I did. Are you okay? I wanted to jump into my car and drive to Allagash….” I still did. Staring blankly around the terminal, I tried to shut down my emotions. Being numb might be the only way I’d be able to say anything. I’d never be able to do this to her if I let myself feel.
“I can’t believe I handled Tom all by myself,” Ginny gushed. “That pepper spray worked better than I ever expected. Thank you for suggesting it.”
The realization that she hadn’t needed me for protection sank through my bones. She was saving herself all on her own.
“I’m stuck here tonight,” she said. “It’s late. Eli’s already asleep. Tom hit him, gave him a big bump on his head. He’s—”
“Hey, I’ve got some news.” That was putting it mildly.
Just spit it out.
“What’s up?”
“I got called back early.”
Her breath caught. “The military?”
“Yep. I’m actually at the airport, waiting for my flight.” The numbness I’d aimed for wasn’t working. The knot in my chest grew tighter as if a steel fist surrounded my heart. With my throat spasming, it was all I could do to breathe. I didn’t want to—
“I see.”
She inhaled but before she could say whatever was on the tip of her tongue, I jumped in. “It’s probably for the best. We knew this wasn’t forever.” I wanted it to last forever. Why was I saying this? Ripping us apart? But leaving a letter would’ve been an asshole move, and I owed her the truth. “You knew I was leaving on Sunday, anyway. That I was deploying again soon.”
Silence stretched through the lines so long, I wondered if she’d hung up. It would serve me right if she did. How could I pretend for even a second that she meant nothing to me?
When she meant everything.
Her clearing throat brought me fully back to the present. “Should I say have a nice life? Tell you good luck?”
The usual messages from a stranger but not from the one I loved. If she’d started to have feelings for me, I was killing them now.
The fist around my heart clamped tighter. Do it. “I’m sorry. I wish we could’ve had a few more days together. But you’re in Maine, and I’m wherever the military sends me.” Trite, but ending it like this was for the best. I had nothing to offer her except myself, and that would never be enough. Overhead, they called my flight. “Hey, I’ve got to go.” If I didn’t hang up, I’d take back my words, leave the airport, and find her wherever she was. I’d beg her to let me share even a tiny fraction of her life.
But I couldn’t do that do her. She deserved more.
“You’re a special woman, Ginny,” I said. “I hope you find someone as special as you. Someone who can give you what you need.”
Before she could reply, I ended the call.
29
Ginny
Eli and I hit the road bright and early the next morning. Eli had rested somewhat last night. Between rehashing my conversation with Cooper and checking Eli every hour to make sure he didn’t have a serious head injury, I’d gotten no sleep.
We stopped in town for coffee and a box of donuts, planning to consume breakfast along the way home. After finishing his drink and half the donuts, Eli slept. His head was feeling better, and he was determined to go to work the moment we got home.
Being alone with my thoughts only made things worse until numbness descended. I welcomed it like a long-lost friend. Otherwise, all I could do was feel. I drove on, and the miles skipped underneath the car, marked only by the occasional road sign or vehicle coming from the opposite direction.
A while later, Eli stirred. We’d be home in just under two hours. At this point, I’d hold off telling him about Cooper. Next week or even a month from now would be time enough to unload that news.
“How’s the head?” I asked when he fully woke up.
“I’ve had worse days.” He sighed and directed his gaze out the window, where endless trees and a spattering of fields blurred past. When he looked my way, creases hung heavy on his face and his hair needed of a good combing.
Pressing down on the gas pedal, I passed a car, the only one I’d seen for miles.
His chest lifted and fell, and he shoved his clenched fist against his forehead. “I should’ve been there for you yesterday. It’s killing me that I wasn’t.”
“He essentially knocked you out. Tied you up.”
“Which never would’ve happened if I’d been paying attention.” After wiping his face, he stared at me, his eyes glistening. “I’m freakin’ Navy. Some kind of security guard I’m making now, huh? He never should’ve gotten the drop on me. I’m sorry. I failed you when you needed me most.”
I couldn’t deny that it would’ve been great to have him beside me when Tom attacked. While I’d handled it myself, the situation could’ve turned worse. But I hated to see him beating himself up about it. “For months, you’ve been my rock. The only sure thing I can count on in my life.”
Eli placed his hand over mine where it gripped the wheel and squeezed. He unbuckled and slid sideways enough that he could put his arm around my back. He rested his head on my shoulder like I’d done with him when I was three to his five. When my big brother was king of the neighborhood, the best friend I’d ever have, and the person I wanted most to be.
“I’m proud of you,” he said. “I couldn’t have been as strong as you’ve been through all this.”
“That’s not true. I admire you more than anyone.” I tilted my head to touch his, bridging the gap between us. “You’re my hero.”
He swallowed deeply. “And I’m sorry if you thought I doubted you about…well, the drugs. The boat. You know. I didn’t really believe you’d do anything like that, but I should’ve told you.”
“I appreciate you saying that.” More than anything.
Shifting back to his seat, he re-buckled. “You’re the real hero here.”
Three months ago, I wouldn’t have dared drive this distance alone. But yesterday, even after discovering the meaning behind the painted tiles and taking on the challenge of an open shed door, I’d set out alone for a long drive north. My brother needed me, and I was determined to be there for him.
With Tom arrested, I’d finally be able to put all of this—and Istanbul—behind me.
It was late afternoon by the time I dropped Eli off at his place.
“Call me,” I said through my open window.
“I will.” Leaning inside, he kissed my cheek. “You take care. I’ll come see you when I get out of work in the morning, on my way home.” He tweaked my nose with his thumb like he’d done when we were little. I’d hated it then but I was okay with it now. Where would I be in life without my big brother?
I watched while he went inside his house. He’d shower then take a cab to work. I was glad he’d been able to sleep during the ride back to Crescent Cove.
I drove home and made something to eat. Not that I could stomach a bite. I watched the news. And wished…
My heart would appreciate it if I gave up wishing altogether.
After I did the dishes, I lifted the bag of leftover doughnuts off the counter, where I’d placed it. I should’ve chucked them out or made Eli take them. I sure didn’t need the empty calories. A piece of paper fluttered to the floor, a poorly made paper airplane.
Instructions for how to play croquet. I’d meant to give Cooper the direc
tions the next time I saw him.
Saw him. The realization that I’d never see him again gutted me. Shudders made my limbs give way. I slid down the wooden cabinets until I joined the paper on the floor. My hands flopped on my lap, palms exposed and quivering as if my dreams were being sucked away to the sky. My heart split open and seeped.
With a sob, I buried my wet face in my hands.
30
Cooper
My flight landed in California, and I took a cab to the base. I hauled my bag into my tiny apartment where cold silence awaited me. My harsh sigh filled my tiny bedroom as I unpacked and threw my dirty clothing into the hamper. If I found the time, I’d wash it before shipping out. Otherwise, the hell with it. I’d deal with it when I returned. Assuming I returned.
The box my father left me sat in the bottom of my suitcase. A long flight home should’ve been enough time to decide if I wanted to waste my time opening it or if I’d be better off tossing it into the trash. Since I’d spent my flight going over my conversation with Ginny multiple times, I hadn’t thought about the box at all.
Common sense told me I didn’t really need to know what was inside. The cringing teen I’d been suggested I didn’t dare find out.
Box in hand, I walked to my kitchen where I pulled some crackers from the cabinet and dumped a couple onto a plate. Breakfast was served. Grumbling, I took the box and plate into the living room. Might as well put my feet up and eat fancy.
My bones groaned when I sank onto the plush couch. The crackers found their place on the coffee table and the box on my lap. I stared down at it. Pretty much flinched from it, if I was honest. Was it possible for my father to scream at me from the grave?
I shook my head. Why was I worried about this? It was probably more useless junk from my past. I’d look over whatever was inside and then stuff it onto the top shelf of my closet.