by Casey, Ryan
But she had to be honest.
“I don’t know,” Jasmine said. “And that’s on me. That’s just something I’m working on.”
She expected Kelly to shoot her down for that. Make some kind of condescending wisecrack.
But when she looked at her, she saw her half-smiling at her.
“We’ve all got our own shit going on, I guess. And I suppose I was a bit of a nightmare. Anyway. It doesn’t matter so much now, does it? We’re both in the shit. The ladder’s fallen down, and we’re limping around in the mud. Might as well at least try getting along. What’s Noah’s deal, anyway?”
Jasmine was hit by two emotions. First, an overwhelming relief. Then, curiosity about Kelly’s question. “What about him?”
“I’ve never seen anyone so shirt-scared to go home before. What’s the deal there?”
Jasmine felt her stomach knot as she looked back from the brick wall in front of Noah’s house. She knew what ate him up. What haunted him. What swallowed him whole. A part of her wanted to keep it to herself. But a bigger part of her figured honesty was the best policy going forward. Might make Kelly go a little easier on Noah, for one.
“When he was younger, his brother Kyle had cancer.”
“Shit. That’s awful.”
“Noah spent a large part of his childhood watching his younger brother fall victim to this awful disease. He watched him stop eating. He watched him lose all his hair. He watched his little brother go from this bundle of joy who he loved spending time with to this... ghost.”
Kelly stared back at Jasmine. Wide-eyed. Tearful. “I didn’t know.”
“Whereas most kids feel invincible, Noah realised that wasn’t true. He realised it far too early. Naturally, he missed out on all the normal attention and care of his family, too. Which is understandable, but it does have an unparalleled impact on a kid.”
“Sure. I can imagine.”
“And that’s not even the worst of it,” Jasmine said.
She looked around at Noah’s parents’ house. Looked through the lounge window.
“Noah was with his little brother when he died. He was the only one with him. He was supposed to be watching him. Or at least that’s what he told himself. He was supposed to be protecting him. Looking after him. And he failed.”
Silence fell over the road. Even Eddie looked on, wide-eyed. Like even he hadn’t understood the true extent of what Noah went through as a kid. The trauma he’d had to deal with.
“He blamed himself for Kyle’s death. Which is irrational, of course. But try telling that to an eleven-year-old. Try telling them that when you’re grieving this lost boy. When all of your attentions are on the son who died rather than the son who lived. Imagine absorbing and growing up with all that guilt. And then imagine cracking on and being a normal, responsible human being. It just doesn’t happen.”
Kelly was silent. Eddie was silent. All of them sat there in this suffocating silence, and Jasmine felt a sense of relief.
“At least he had someone to share that with,” Kelly said.
Jasmine looked around. “Huh?”
“You,” Kelly said. “You’re good at listening. Well. Sometimes, anyway.”
She half-smiled at Jasmine.
And Jasmine half-smiled back at her.
They sat there, together, and waited for Noah to step outside.
And as awful as this all was, Jasmine couldn’t help feeling closer to these people—closer to her best friend—than she had in a long, long time.
She went to turn around and check on Noah when she heard footsteps.
And then she saw a man standing right at the top of the driveway. Like he’d appeared from nowhere.
He wore grey jogging bottoms. A black tracksuit. Short dark hair. Quite chubby, with pockmarked skin.
He wasn’t bleeding.
He didn’t look ill.
There was just... something about him.
He walked closer towards them, and a beaming smile crossed his face.
“Hello, folks,” he said. “The name’s Colin. Mind if I knock around with you guys for a while?”
Chapter Thirty-Five
When Noah stepped outside, he’d hardly got over the emotional rollercoaster he’d just gone through inside his old family home when he saw the new arrival standing there.
He was quite chubby. Short dark hair, faded at the sides. He wore jogging bottoms and had this constant grin to his face, which was pepped with acne scars.
The first thing Noah did—instinctively now—was check for signs of delusion. Signs of blood. Signs this guy might be infected.
But there was nothing.
The guy held his hands up. By his side, Jasmine. Kelly. Eddie. Barney. All of them standing there. All with similar looks of puzzlement and uncertainty across their faces.
“Not here to cause any trouble, pal,” the bloke said. “The name’s Colin. Just been chatting to your friends here about all this crap. It’s hell, isn’t it?”
Noah glanced over to Jasmine, then back at this guy called Colin. He didn’t trust anyone anymore. Sure, he’d been in close contact with the virus, but he hadn’t fallen victim to it—yet, anyway.
But the fear that he might come into contact with someone else infected, and that the people around him might all fall as a result, that wasn’t a risk he was willing to take.
He was beginning to realise exactly what stepping up and being responsible entailed.
“We’re gonna get going,” Noah said, walking down the garden pathway. He hadn’t even had the chance to tell the others what he had or hadn’t found in his parents’ place yet. “No time to stand around.”
“See, that’s the thing,” Colin said. That smile still across his face. “I… I got caught up in an accident. Only just got out my car. I live down in Manchester. Don’t know anyone around here. The way things are going, I’m not gonna be getting back home any time soon.”
Noah walked past him. Over to Jasmine. He didn’t hold eye contact with this guy. “You should find somewhere quiet. Lay low. Until—”
“Until what? The army round us up and take us away to some dump where this virus is only gonna spread even further? Can’t see that being a good idea, can you?”
“Then I don’t know what else to suggest,” Noah said. He looked at Jasmine. Eddie. Kelly. “Come on. We’ve got to get moving.”
They all nodded. And as Noah walked, leading the way, he wondered for a moment if that might be enough. If the bloke had got the message. He didn’t want to scrap with him. Mostly because he knew this Colin fella wouldn’t have any trouble knocking ten shades of shit out of him given the chance.
But then Colin said something else.
“Please. I’m begging you guys right now.”
Noah stopped. He turned around and looked at Colin. There was something about him. That look on his face. That smugness, arrogance, whatever you want to call it, it’d dropped away.
And underneath it, Noah saw fear. He saw vulnerability.
And he didn’t know what to do about it.
“I’m on my own out here, guys. And you lot… if you don’t mind me saying, it looks like you’re heading someplace. Like you know where you’re going. Just let me come along with you. I won’t be any trouble. I’m good with people. Always have been. I’ll put in a shift. I’ll do whatever I have to do until all this blows over. Hell, you won’t even know I’m there if that’s how you want it.”
Noah looked at Kelly. At Jasmine. At Eddie. And he looked at Barney too. Standing there. Staring at Colin.
Like he wasn’t so sure.
“Please. Don’t just leave me. I’m begging you here.”
And Noah felt so torn. Because on the one hand, he knew people needed to stick together.
But on the other… there was just something wrong about this.
Something just didn’t feel right.
It might be his own insecurities. He didn’t know. Couldn’t be certain.
But he had to tr
ust his good.
“We—” Jasmine started.
“I’m sorry,” Noah cut in. Stepping up. Doing what he had to do. Being responsible like so many people had been begging of him for so damned long. “But we’re going our own way.”
Colin opened his mouth. Like he was going to protest. Like he was going to fight back.
And for a moment, Noah saw a flash of anger across his face.
A flash of anger that was soon replaced by that smug, arrogant smile.
“Sure,” he said. “Sure. Good luck, folks. Really. I mean that.”
And then he turned around, walked around the side of one of the houses, and he was gone.
Noah stood there. Heart racing. Still in disbelief about what’d just happened. How off it felt. How surreal it felt.
And then he heard Jasmine right by his side.
“You okay?” she asked.
Noah swallowed a lump in his dry throat. Looked back at his parents’ house. “They’re not home. Wherever they are… I have to believe they’re okay.”
Jasmine put a hand on his shoulder. Kept it there, just a few seconds.
Then she pulled it away.
“Come on,” she said. “Let’s get moving. The sooner we get to Kelly’s, the better.”
Noah looked at his old family home.
At the garage he used to sit on with his friends in the summertime, eating Haribo and throwing gummy bears at passersby.
He looked at the garden, still churned up from all the football he used to play on it.
Then at the gap between the houses where Colin disappeared.
A shiver crept up his spine.
But then he took a deep breath.
Turned around.
And then, together with his group, he walked.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Colin stood between the two houses and watched the group walk away, anger growing inside.
But at the same time, relief.
Because as much as he tried to tell himself he could move forward, and that he could move on, and that people could change and be better, this group—led by that guy, Noah—told him otherwise.
He’d pleaded with them to let him join. Begged them to let him come along with them.
And sure. His motives might’ve been questionable to say the least. He hadn’t even decided what his end goal was with those people yet. Maybe he’d be able to fit in with them. Perhaps he’d manage to conquer his darkest urges and fall into their ways like they were family. Perhaps they’d never find out who he really was, and they’d accept him for who he appeared to be rather than who the rest of the world said he was.
But then again, maybe not.
Maybe he’d just have fun with them.
Maybe he’d construct an illusion of friendliness and trustworthiness before taking everything away from them.
And deep down, that route seemed more appealing to Colin.
That route excited him more.
The idea of making people trust him.
The idea of creating some artificial life for them to believe in, only to turn around and take it all away from them just when they least expected it.
His heart pounded.
Sweat trickled down his face.
He smiled.
Even though he was angry.
Because he’d had a chance. He’d had a chance to join that group and figure out for himself which road he was going to go down.
But that chance had been taken away from him.
And he’d been left with only one option.
He crouched down behind the bins. Tensed his fists. His heart raced. His chest was tight. They’d turned him down. Outright rejected him. So he hadn’t even been left with a choice of which road he was going to take.
He’d been left with one single choice. The choice right before him right now.
As he watched them walk off into the distance.
The two guys.
The two women.
And that dog.
Violent visions flickered into his mind. Memories of what it felt like to take a life. That guilt. That sense of responsibility over someone else’s existence. That sadness, and that subtle sense of regret.
And then there was the counterbalance.
That surge of adrenaline.
That rush of dopamine.
That delight, and that thrill.
And he felt a taste of it just looking at these people.
Just looking at this group.
Because he was out now. He wasn’t going back to the secure unit, that much was a given. The authorities had bigger problems to deal with. The last thing they’d be worried about was escaped criminals right now.
And that meant he had an opportunity.
A chance to live his most honest life.
And whether people liked it or not, there was only one honest life he knew he was capable of living.
A life he’d been suppressing.
A life he’d been hiding.
A life he’d been fighting against for so, so long.
He took a deep breath. Stood up.
And then he turned the hammer he’d found around in his hand.
He watched as that group disappeared further into the distance.
And he smiled.
He was going to make them suffer.
He was going to make them regret ever rejecting him.
He was going to make them pay for what they’d done.
He waited until they just drifted out of sight, and then he walked.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Eddie wasn’t sure how long he’d been walking when he started to feel unwell.
It was just the afternoon sun. Had to be. He wasn’t used to traipsing this far in this heat. Usually, at this time of day, he was stuck at home, or in a meeting at the job centre, or whatever else his shitty life had lined up for him.
The way he felt was nothing to do with this virus or whatever the hell it was.
He had to keep telling himself that.
His head ached. He felt shivers all over his body. His teeth chattered against each other so loud he had to grind them together to stop other people hearing or noticing him.
He walked at the front of the group. He didn’t want to look at the others much. Didn’t want them seeing the dark circles he was sure surrounded his eyes. Or commenting on how unsteady he was.
And he knew it was selfish. He knew the best-damned thing he could do right now would be to tell the truth. To own up. To tell everyone how he was feeling and then go his own way.
Because as long as he was around these people, he was a danger to them.
But there was another voice. A counter-voice.
The one telling him there was nothing wrong with him. That he was just exhausted. That it was the weather, and the physical exertion, and the shock of everything that was happening and—oh, the lack of cheese puffs, too. Usually had about three bags at this point of the day by now.
And the weirdest thing?
The thought of cheese puffs made him want to puke.
This was some DEFCON 1 shit.
“Eddie?”
Eddie heard Noah’s voice, and he froze.
He didn’t want to turn around.
He didn’t want to draw any attention to himself.
He wanted to have to deny there was anything wrong with him.
But he couldn’t.
He looked around. Saw Noah walking by his side.
For a moment, he thought he saw a look to Noah’s face. A widening of his eyes. A realisation that something was wrong. Something was desperately wrong.
But then he smiled at Eddie. “You okay, big lad?”
Eddie nodded, a little surprised Noah hadn’t noticed anything. “Fine. Just—just the heat, you know?”
“I can imagine. I’ve been banging on at you to get out for a walk for weeks.”
“Yeah, well,” Eddie said. “Looks like I don’t have a choice anymore, right?”
Noah smiled. T
hey walked together, Kelly, Barney, and Jasmine following closely behind. They saw abandoned cars. They saw people standing by the sides of ambulances. They saw police urging people to stay in their homes, to lay low and wait it out until help arrived, clearly just as puzzled about where the help was coming from themselves.
No order.
And it was only going to get worse.
“I owe you an apology,” Noah said.
Eddie frowned. “Huh?”
“I had a rough few days,” Noah said. “The job, the bills... it was all getting on top of me. I had to start thinking about what might happen if I couldn’t pay anymore. But we’d have figured something out, one way or another.”
Eddie felt a lump in his throat. “I could’ve stepped up, mate. I could’ve done more.”
“I know you’re trying,” Noah said. “I know it’s not easy for you. After everything that happened with your parents. And I want nothing more than for you to get out there. To push yourself out of that comfort zone. But I... I know these things take time. They’re not easy. Not for any of us.”
Eddie looked at Noah, then. He looked right into his best mate’s eyes, and he wanted to tell him how damned important he was to him. How he wouldn’t have made it this far without him. How he’d probably be dead right now if he hadn’t lifted him up, helped him, been there for him.
But in the end, he just felt a tear stream down his face.
Noah frowned. “Eddie?”
Eddie looked away. “Just one of those days. Emotions running high and all that.”
Noah went to pat Eddie’s shoulder, which Eddie flinched away from immediately.
And this time, when he looked at Noah, he got the sense he did know something was wrong. He did suspect something.
But Noah just smiled back at him. Nodded in turn.
“It’s been a tough one for us all.”
He turned around. Kept on walking. All of them walking. Together.
And as Eddie walked down that road, into the light of the afternoon sun, he tasted a metallic tang of blood, right at the back of his throat.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Jasmine walked down the street with Noah and couldn’t get over just how bad things seemed to be getting—and so rapidly, too.