by Linda Hogan
OLD LIFE
• Entrapped
• Lonely
• Sad
• Scared
• Victimized
• Tired
• No self-respect
• Fat
• Feet hurt
• Headaches
• Anxiety
• Shaky
• Unloved
• No gifts
• No special times
• No vacation
• Heart palpitations
• Not cherished
• Used sexually
• No communication
• No trust
• Fear for life
• No future
• No joy
• No peace
• Miserable marriage
• My needs not important
NEW LIFE
• Move to California
• Pretty house
• See family
• Pets
• New town
• Job in TV
• New gym
• Lose weight
• Hair extensions
• My own money
• My own space
• My own schedule
• New dates or boyfriends
• Horseback riding
• Travel to Europe
• Vocal and dance classes
• Shopping
• Laughter
• Freedom to make friends
• Take care of myself
• Self-confidence
• Feel younger
• Dress pretty
• Garden
• Spa trips
• No guilt
• Decorating
• No more self-destruction
• No more breakdowns
I realized that I needed to quit wallowing in my own self-pity and let go of some of the anger, at least for Nick’s sake.
I just got tired of crying.
As Nick awaited his trial, I often took him to the beach. I wanted him to do the things that kids do for a change, instead of him being with his dad, who always tried to treat him like a grown man ahead of time. Nick was seventeen years old at the time of the accident. Kids don’t need to ride around in a boat full of beer hunting for chicks. Nick needed to go bowling, go-cart racing, skateboarding, riding bikes, and so on.
On May 9, 2008, Nick was to appear in court where a judge would determine his fate. I was scared for him, myself, and our family. We tried to have some fun that weekend before the pending court appearance. That Friday afternoon Nick, his friend Danny, and I hit the beach. On our way back home, I saw a group of guys hanging out by our beach house. In our area of Florida, the guys weren’t too attractive, usually a bunch of families with kids or senior citizens. One of the guys in the group was a pleasant surprise! He was tall and tan and had an amazing build. Whoa! I asked Nick to check him out and see if he was as cute up close. Nick was fine with me asking him to do that. He knew that his dad had cheated on me. He knew I was alone all of those months and how sad and lonely I had been. He knew it was time to step out of the shadow of the old life and move forward. After the guys talked for a few minutes, they waved me over. The guy’s name was Charley Hill, and he was gorgeous for sure—beautiful white teeth, eyes as green as the Gulf of Mexico, and cute feet!
I told Nick to bring the guys down to the beach house. I didn’t really think about it as a date. When they showed up, we sat in the backyard on the beach. Charley had blond hair covering his chest, arms, legs (and head). Terry used to shave his whole body because, truthfully, he’s really hairy. And it’s dark hair. So seeing a man with sexy blond hair all over his bod was a turn-on. I like a man to be hairy. And shaggy blond hair on his gorgeous head! Wow, I just wanted to run my hands through it! He had a beautiful smile—something about his little overbite, and big white straight teeth, and the way his top lip looked when he smiled—that was sexy! His friends were tan and beachy, too. There were a couple of younger guys and one older guy with him.
Charley said he was twenty-three. Sure, he was young, but I wasn’t looking for a long-term thing at that moment. It had been almost a year since I had even slept with Terry. I am not dead yet, I thought. Terry’s not crying in his soup! I felt it might be good for me to move on. When I saw another man and realized that if I wanted to, I could go for it . . . it was liberating. I was single and could date again. And I’m sure Charley was feeling what I was feeling. There was definite chemistry there. I mentioned how tan he was, looking at his tan feet and his cute toes! (With me, guys have to have a cute face and cute feet. Whatever, that’s my thing.)
I asked what he did and he told me that he was home from college and was working at a nearby Jet Ski rental concession for the summer. He said that he went to college on the east coast near Daytona Beach. He was a springboard diver on the team preparing to go to the Olympics. I learned he placed fourth in the nationals and was on a scholarship for his diving. I was dumbfounded! He was definitely no beach bum. In fact, he was also attending the firefighters’ academy. (Well, he certainly lit my fire!)
Charley laughed easily—a free spirit—and he had cute smile lines around his clear green eyes. He’s an old soul, and I’m young at heart. It was weird flirting with another man at first. It didn’t feel wrong, though . . . not now, and I needed to follow my heart (which was pounding in my chest). It was like a guilty pleasure, because I was not completely divorced; in my heart, I felt because I had two kids, it would probably be better to have my divorce final before I started dating. Then again, I started looking around and reading the tabloids and seeing all these other people who had left their husbands or wives, dated other people, and had babies before they were even divorced. Terry was already on to his second girlfriend (at least she was the second that I knew of). What am I, chopped liver? I thought. Why can’t I have someone in my life who makes me happy or I could laugh with?
So Charley and I ended up chitchatting on the phone. I felt like I was in high school with a crush. Even though I was excited that I’d met someone so nice, I needed to focus on Nick’s court hearing.
My mother decided to fly in that weekend for moral support. On top of it, it was Mother’s Day weekend! All I wanted was to hold Brooke and Nick tightly in my arms and never let go of them. I knew Brooke was a big girl, filming her own show in Miami, but I wasn’t used to not having her around. She was my little girlfriend. And Nick was my baby. However, the family dynamics had already been changing when we were living in Miami. Both kids were living their own lives. Their bedrooms were on the other side of the house, and I was already used to them not being right there under my feet. I wasn’t physically seeing them around all of the time, and it was really difficult.
Nick was scared, upset, and sad. He feared for John’s life. They were best friends and it was an accident. The reality show depicted Nick as a wild child. That really wasn’t the case. He was a soft, mild-mannered, intelligent, and caring individual. Nick was not a reckless person. I think he was judged improperly due to the character he played on the show. The thought of him facing John’s family, the judge, the press, and the flurry of allegations against him was overwhelming.
We entered the courtroom to a barrage of cameras. Terry would not speak to me, because his attorneys advised him not to. I am sure he was fine with that. He didn’t have to explain himself to me about the accident or his actions, cheating on me, any of it. I couldn’t get an answer out of him for anything. How convenient for him!
The verdict was one that we didn’t want to hear, and after months of Terry’s and Nick’s lawyers telling me that Nick wouldn’t do time, he was sentenced to six to nine months of jail—solitary confinement. They handcuffed him, fingerprinted him, and took his coat; and two deputies walked my baby out of the courtroom—right then and there before the whole courtroom, tons of cameras, and, of course, John’s family and his mother, Debbie. Brooke was white as a ghost. My m
other sobbed hysterically. And Terry sat there with a stone face, watching them take his son into custody. I looked at Nick, trying to be strong for him. I blew him a kiss and looked him in the eyes lovingly, knowing that it would have been easier if they would have just shot me. His eyes were on his mom. As he disappeared around the corner, I looked over at Terry. He couldn’t look any of us in the eye! He stared down, as his lawyers surrounded him in a protective manner and walked him out, as if he was “too” bothered by it. My God! All I wanted to do was share a glance with him, to realize the despair we were feeling as parents, but nothing. No communication, no hugs, no emotion . . . nothing. As we walked out of the court building to the parking lot, the mob of press surrounded Terry and his team of lawyers. Was he sorry? Was he sad? Who knows? In a time like that, families usually come together no matter what! I felt like his guilty conscience got the best of him though. Was this karma for all of his misbehaving? His self-serving ways? I felt and still feel none of this would have happened if he was “aware” and “present” as a parent and husband instead of worrying about when his next piece of ass would be.
Terry’s limo pulled around and he went home to Jennifer. Brooke got in her car and left for Miami. My mom and I left and headed for the airport. It was the worst day I’ve ever had.
I hugged my mom good-bye, trying to act strong so she didn’t worry about me, although she knew, as a mother and a woman, the agony and loneliness I was experiencing.
After I dropped her off, I began to sob as I tried to drive home. The closer I got to home, the worse it got. I couldn’t contain it anymore. I walked in the back door, crying and alone. All of my dogs were around me, and I think they sensed something was wrong, too. Usually, their cute little faces could take me out of any bad mood. But nothing could save me from the pain that I was feeling at that moment. The house was dark and no one was there. I walked through the once-happy kitchen where Nick, John, Brooke, and all the kids congregated. I looked across to the living room, seeing the sofa that Terry sat on. The pictures of the family, Terry’s office, Nick’s bedroom, Brooke’s bedroom—quiet, dark, still. There was no one at home, and no one would be coming home. I looked at my pack of dogs following me, minus one—Foxy. I never even made it up to my room. It was just too much. I crouched to the floor, sobbing inconsolably. I sounded like an animal in pain, wailing a type of crying I had never experienced before. How could God be so cruel? I wondered. He can give and take, I guess, but all at once? Everything was so out of control, so bad, I really didn’t think as a mother I could survive another day of the pain.
I didn’t even know how I was going to take my next breath.
My husband, my kids, my dog, John, the legal battles—it was just too much to bear.
In a moment of insanity I ran out the back door crying. I couldn’t even see through the makeup in my eyes. I got into my Mercedes and just drove. I had no idea where I was going. I just headed south and while driving over a bridge I was thinking of just driving off it! I didn’t want to kill myself and die. I thought about my kids. And my family who I knew loved me. I knew I had a purpose in life. But, at that moment, I didn’t know how to live, either. I didn’t know how to go on. I didn’t know if my car would go off the bridge at that point or I’d drive in front of an oncoming truck.
My phone rang as I approached the bridge. I looked at the caller ID through my tears and it read: Charley. It was a total surprise. We hadn’t spoken since we first met. I was very concerned about what Nick was going through. I had already made up my mind that Charley was kind of young and, while it was a real turn-on, with all of this pressure going on it was hard to think about my love life. I decided to put it on the back burner. It was fun for that day, but I wasn’t even sure if I should see him again.
I decided to answer. Charley asked me why I was crying. He told me not to drive and to pull over and catch my breath. Charley saved me from my insanity at that moment.
I went back home and slept. The next day he called me at one P.M. in the afternoon, and I agreed to meet him at the beach. I felt I needed to be around somebody and have some positive energy in my life. It was great to have a reason to leave and somebody to meet up with.
Charley was a lot of fun and a great listener. For being so young, I was surprised that he was such a heartfelt and emotional guy. We ended up hanging out at the beach that day, and I saw him every day after that. I would ride my bike while he rode his skateboard. He was just the type of carefree fun I needed.
I wasn’t really worried about how Nick felt about my relationship with Charley because he was with me the day I met him. Charley was sweet and charming and Nick and I liked him. Quite frankly, Nick was concerned about my welfare and happiness, and being with Charley made me happy. Who’s to say what’s right or wrong in this day and age anyway. Nick was very mature and optimistic about my future. When I went to visit Nick in jail, he asked me if I had hung out with Charley again. I told him that I did and that although he was young, we got along great. On the other hand, I think that Brooke was a little shocked and surprised to find out. She wasn’t living with me at the time and hadn’t really seen what I had been going through. I think with mother/daughter relationships it’s hard for a daughter to see her mom sleeping with anybody besides her dad. I’m sure Brooke wanted to see me happy, but I think that maybe she thought that I was just with Charley as revenge. I wasn’t.
I latched on to Charley and he basically never went home. I didn’t want to be alone, and I loved being with him. We talked and cuddled. And, yes, we slept together! When we did, it was an emotional awakening. It was the first time I had slept with someone besides my husband in twenty-four years and I was scared, but he was amazing in so many ways.
I felt guilty for being with someone different, but I had no idea why. Was I crazy? My husband was already living with another woman! In fact, when I filed for divorce in November 2007, I hadn’t slept with Terry since July of that year. That was his choice. So it had been ten months since I had had sex, and it was about time I got with somebody; Charley was the man!
I was nervous when we made love for the first time. He had a young, cute, tight buff body and long gorgeous legs! He was kind and loving. It was really exciting to be with someone new and fun and somebody who actually had sex back with me!
CHARLEY AND I STAYED IN FLORIDA, AND ON MAY 31, 2008, OUR relationship became public.
It happened in Las Vegas at the Palms Place Hotel and Spa, where Terry and I had a condominium that we had bought as an investment. The owner, George Maloof, had invited the celebrities who purchased penthouses in the building for a red carpet event that May. Last minute, Terry wanted nothing to do with it and was willing to let it go. Everything was still in litigation, and we didn’t know what the fate of the condo was going to be. George’s publicity people asked me to come. I said sure.
I didn’t want to go alone and I decided to take Charley. I stayed close with one of Nick’s friends, Ray, who used to be his hockey coach, and his wife, Lisette. I asked them to come along as well. When we arrived in Las Vegas, they showed us to the condo that we had purchased. The party was on! The condo was beautiful, big, and on the fifty-fourth floor!
It was the first real fun I had in so long. I was around true friends. We had the red carpet event to attend, and Charley looked gorgeous. We bought his outfit at the last minute in Vegas. It was all really exciting. I wore a Roberto Cavalli dress and when Charley and I stepped onto the carpet, he proceeded to step on the train of my dress, ripping it. Uh-oh! I was having so much fun that it didn’t matter. He was such a good-spirited guy. We went behind the curtain and actually stapled the big wad of fabric back on to my dress. And the show went on!
I grabbed Charley, they opened the curtain to the red carpet, and away we went! Reporters and photographers were yelling, “Linda, Linda, Linda! Who’s the guy?” I was overwhelmed. They asked Charley if he was dating Linda Hogan and he responded, “We’re just chillin’.” At that time, we didn’t know wha
t we were ourselves. We were together for sure, but to what extent we didn’t know. We hit the dance floor and had a ton of fun, mingling with other celebrities, including Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz, Janet Jackson, and Verne “Mini-Me” Troyer. I was loving life again!
The photos from that red carpet are still gracing the tabloids to this day. That night made news and changed history. It changed my life because it officially made me a cougar, which is a term I’d never even heard of before. It put Linda Hogan on the map with my own identity. It was really a positive step for me because being in the spotlight on my own and not being on Terry’s arm, having recognition for my own life and new positive choices, was exciting. The tabloids blew it up that I had a boy toy. At that point, Charley had to come clean and tell me the truth and that he wasn’t really twenty-three; he was almost twenty (that meant nineteen). I told him I was cool with it, as long as that was the real truth. He was legal and that was all I knew. As surprised as I was about his age, the truth was that I was already crazy about him and falling in love.
Kiss My Glass
Terry now knew that I had a boyfriend—a much younger lover—and he was very bent, pissed, and jealous. Brooke was deep into shooting her show and spent a lot of time with her father because he was on the show with her. Terry was subliminally brainwashing Brooke about how evil I was and how wonderful he was. And, of course, what a wonderful person Jennifer was. He basically took Brooke’s eye off the ball, making her think that he was this upstanding individual dating a nice “flight attendant” like Jennifer and I was dating this young kid. Terry made Brooke forget that he had been sleeping with her young girlfriend the whole year before this, and wasn’t exactly coming clean about Jennifer’s past, either.
I think Brooke didn’t know what to believe anymore. But she also knew she had to stay tight with her dad or she didn’t have a TV show. I suppose she thought it was easier to distance herself from me and work with her father. It was very hurtful. And to know that she was this innocent person who was being manipulated by Terry the whole time angered me even more. She was my flesh and blood. My best friend. I don’t know what Terry said to her at the time, but he tried to turn her away from me. She told me that she would never hurt me. It was a confusing time.