Matthew Del Negro - 10,000 NOs

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Matthew Del Negro - 10,000 NOs Page 2

by vHow to Overcome Rejection on the Way to Your YES (pdf)


  Ontopofcarryingotherpeople'ssecretsaround,aswellasmyownpainandfrustration,Icouldnevertoseemto attainthethingsIwantedthemost.Asfarbackasthefifthgrade,I'dpursueagirlIliked,getclosetoher,and musterupthecouragetoaskherout.But,onewayoranother,I'dendupaloneafteritfellapartduetoachangeof heartorsomeotherobstacleIneversawcominguntilitwastoolate.Rejectionisdefinedasthedismissingofan ideaorthespurningofaperson'saffections,andIhadplentyofboth.IfeelbadforacertaingirlI“loved”infifth gradebecause,whileI'veonlyrunintoheronrareoccasionssincewegraduatedhighschool,Inevermissthe opportunitytoremindherofourdatethatneverhappened.Ihadcharmedherenoughtoeventuallyelicita“yes”

  whenIaskedhertotheyear-endtowncarnival,butonthenightoftheevent,shestoodmeup.Twofriendsofmine stilllovetolaughaboutthememoryofmeridingTheWhipaloneintherain.AndwhileIcanlaughatmyselfabout itnow,backthenitaddedtothefeelingthatIwasnotwhereIwantedtobeemotionally,andnotsureI'deverget there.

  WhileIwasnotachildactor,Istillmanagedtogeta“no”whenIauditionedfortheroleoftheCowardlyLioninan elementaryschoolproductionof TheWizardofOz.Ihadforgottenthisstoryforalongtimebecauseitoccurredlong beforeIthoughtofactingasaviablecareer.It'sonlybeeninrecentyears,asI'vereflectedaboutthelessonsI've learnedinthecourseofmycareer,thatI'verememberedit.Itwasaplayinwhichthekidsinmyclasswere required toparticipate.IreallythoughtIcouldgettheroleoftheCowardlyLionuntilthenewgirl,uponwhomIhada massivecrush,completelyoutshinedmewithheraudition.(Sidenote:thiswasadifferentcrush.Imovedonfrom thecarnivalstander-upper.ButIscrewedthisoneup,too—itwasn'tuntileighthorninthgrade,whenIadmittedto likingherthreeyearsprior,thatsherevealed shehadacrushon mewhenshefirstmovedtoourschool.Talkabout missedopportunities.Moreonself-dispensed“no”slater.)

  Inthepresentday,Imotivatemyselfbythethoughtthatthereisalwayssomeoneouttheremoretalentedthanme

  readytotakemyroles.Perhapsitstartedbackthen,withmygrade-schoolcrush.Shecouldsinganddance,andshe hadwhatpeoplemightcall“it.”Mytalent,ontheotherhand,wasrewardedwiththeconsolationprizeofplaying UncleHenry.Istillremembermysoleline,tellingAuntieEmIhadtofixtheincubator.Itwasanillustrious beginningtomycareer,Iassureyou.This“no”wasthrownontotheever-increasingpileofrejections,butIdidn't thinkmuchofit,atleastconsciously,becauseIdidn'tcareaboutactingbackthen.

  Sports,ontheotherhand,feltlikemylifewhenIwasgrowingup.Unfortunately,mydesiretobegoodatthemwas notmatchedbymytalent.I'dworkmybuttoffobsessivelyonlytoremainskinny,weak,andslow.ThefactthatI madeitasfarasIdidinathleticsisasheerreflectionofaburningdesireinmetobeacceptedandvalued.Onmy own,despitethemanythingsIhadgoingformeandthemanygreatfriendsandfamilymemberswhosurrounded me,IlargelyfeltlikeIwasnotenough.

  Nomatterwhich“no”Icreditastheoriginofmycareer,itwassomehowforgedinthepainofrejectionandthe desiretoovercomeit.

  Obviously,allofthosechildhood“no”sdidn'tkillmeandneitherdidthe“no”ofmyemotionallyharrowing experienceinItalyoverthesummerof1992.Perhapstheexpression“Thatwhichdoesnotkillyouwillmakeyou stronger”ispopularbecauseitreflectsatruth.ThebreakupinItalyiswhatforcedmetodigdeeperandfind somethingmorefullysatisfyingthanbeingamemberofmycollegelacrosseteam.Confusingfeelingshadbeen percolatinginsidemepriortomytriptoItaly,inducingafull-blownpanicattacklongbeforeIhadeverheardthat term.But,likemanypeople,ratherthanexaminetheoriginsofmyunrest,IchosetoignoremyanxietybecauseI wastooscaredtotakethefirststep.

  Onthesurface,thingswerelookinggoodformebythespringofmysophomoreyearinChestnutHill.Ihada beautifulgirlfriend,aspotonthevarsityteam,gradesthatkeptmeontheDean'sList,andalotoffriends.But beneaththesurfacelurkedadifferentstory.DespitethefactthatIthoughtIwasinloveforthefirsttime,thepanic attackswerebroughtonbythefactthatIhadbeenquestioningtherelationshipsubconsciously.Iwasjusttooscared todoanythingtojeopardizeitbecauseIthoughtitwaseverythingIwanted.Therewasachasmdeepwithinmethat IhadbeenavoidinganditcreatedagapbetweenmyinnerselfandthefacadeIpresentedtotheworld.Thatfacade begantocrumbleinItalywhenmygirlfriendhadthecouragetodowhatIhadfearedbybreakingoffour relationship.

  Thetruthinsidemeroseup,grabbedmebythethroat,andgotmyattention.Uncharacteristically,Iskippedoutof alltheclassesIwassupposedtobetakingand,instead,foundapatchofgrassinfrontofasmallchurchinPerugia whereIdumpedallofmyjaggedthoughtsintothejournalmysisterhadgiventomepriortomytrip.Itwasas thoughtherewasanangryartistinsideofme,nolongerallowingmetoputamuzzleonhim,writingit.Hetoldme thatIcouldn'tcontinuetogodownthepathuponwhichIwastraveling.Itwasanexhilaratingyetfrightening experience.Thatjournalcontainsthefirsttracesofmydesiretoactandwrite.Ilookbackonthisperiodasfortunate now,butitisnoexaggerationtosaythat,atthetime,IfearedIwasgoingtodieinItalywithnofriendsorfamily aroundtowitnessit.

  “Iwentbacktomyroom,pulledmypistoloutandputitinmymouthandwasgettingreadytoblowmyheadoff.

  Thankfully,Ihadapictureofmywifeandkidsonthedeskacrossfromme.IsawthatasIwassittingtherewitha guninmymouthandthought,‘What'reyoudoing?’SoIputmygunawayandIwentandsoughthelpforthefirst time.AndI'dlovetosaythatIwokeup.Ididn't.IstayedontheXforawhile.Istillplayedthevictim.Itriedto convincemyself,‘You'rebeingthrownunderthebus.You'redoingtherightthing.’Butitliterallytookmeabout fivemonths.Ihadn'thitrockbottomyet.”

  JasonRedman,RetiredNavySEAL, NewYorkTimes Best-SellingAuthor Theresultofthisbreakdown/breakthroughwasthatthefollowingspringatBostonCollege,afterabriefperiodof goingbacktolacrosseandthebeatenpathIhadtraveledforsolong,Iquittheteam,steppedoutofmycomfort zone,andauditionedforaplay.Afterlosingouttomyroommate,whowasalsoauditioningforthefirsttime,Igave itanothershotandscoredtheleadinaone-actplay.Itwasperformedinalecturehall,ratherthananactualtheater.

  Butdespitethehumblevenue,IenjoyedtheexperiencesomuchthatItoldanyonewhowouldlistenthatIwasgoing tobeanactor.Whilethismaysounddramaticandgrand,overayearlater,afterthatone-actplay,Ihadnotdone anymoreplays.

  Upongraduating,ImovedbackhomewiththeplantosaveenoughmoneytomovetoNewYorkCityandpursuea careerinacting.IhadtakenanactingclassmysenioryearandaddedaFilmStudiesminortomyEnglishLiterature major,butIhadnotactedasidefromthatlecture-hallproduction.Ontopofthis,after27yearsofmarriage,my parentsdecidedtosplitthatsummer,somovingbackintothehousewhereIgrewupwithoutmyDadlivingthere wasanadjustment.Thereweremanythoughtsswimmingthroughmyhead,buttheprimaryonewashowIcould turnmynewdreamintoareality.

  Thereisnostandardhow-tomanualcontainingalistofthefirststepsinbecominganactor,becausethe howis uniqueforeachindividual.Classescanbeattended,mentorscanbesoughtout,andtheskillsrequiredtoexcelcan beattainedthroughtraining.Butthe whyisthefuelthatwillpropelyou.Astrong whywillobliterateallofthe inevitableblockadesandbarriersyouwillundoubtedlyfacenomatter whatfieldyouchoose.Ifyour whyisnot alignedwithyourinnermostjoyandyourbiggestdreams,you mayfindsuccess,buteventuallyyouwillexperience someversionofthebreakdownIhadinItaly.Itmaynotcrumbleyourlifeorturnyou180degreesthewayitdidme.

  Itmaynotcauseyoupanicattacks.Buttherewillbecracksinyourfacade.Eventually,ifyo
u'renotcareful,you'll lookbackwonderingwhoselifeyoulived.

  “Idroveacabforyears,Iproofreadinlawfirms,IworkedinafactorywhenIkindofdroppeditalloutandwent outtoColorado.IcleanedGreyhoundbusesonEleventhAvenuefromelevenatnight‘tilseveninthemorningin summerswhileIwenttoschool.No,Ididn'tstartmakingalivingforrealuntilmysonwasborn.”

  —RichardSchiff,Actor,EmmyAwardWinner, TheWestWing ThatexperienceinItaly,wheneverythingbubbledoutofme,mademecertainthatIwantedtopursuesomething thatrequired allofmyfaculties.Iwantedtosomehowrelievetheknotofemotionsandunfulfilleddesirestangledin mygut.Thus,my whywasadesiretoexpressmyselfpsychologically,spiritually,physically,andmentallyandthe wayIguessedIcoulddothatwasthroughacting.ButjustbecauseI'dfoundmy why,didnotmeanIknewexactly howtostart.

  EverybodyNeedsSomeBillySometimes

  ThechallengeformetobeginmypursuitasanactorwasthatIhadalmostnoexperience.Everyoneneedstostart somewhereandIwasnodifferent.Thepainof notacting,forme,outweighedthefearoffallingonmyfaceinfront ofothers.Iwantedtostartassoonaspossible,soIscannedalocalpaperandfoundacastingnotice.Acommunity theaterafewtownsoverfromwhereIgrewupwasdoingthemusical TheMysteryofEdwinDrood.Theaudition requiredeachhopefulactortosing16barsofmusic,accompaniedbyapianist.Icalledthephonenumberand admittedthatIdidn'thave16barsofmusictosing.IexplainedthatIcouldplayalittlepiano,evenlessguitar,andI couldcarryatune.WhenIaskedifitwoulditbeokayifIjust“sangsomeBillyJoel”therewasalongpause.After whatfeltlikeaneternity,Iheard,“Sure.Justbringthesheetmusic.”

  ThefollowingweekIdroveovertothetheaterafterafulldayofmysummerjoblayingpatioswithamason.I'dhad timetoshowerandchange,butmychoiceofwardrobewashardlyappropriateforamusicalsetinthe1860s.I enteredthetheaterinjeans,awhitet-shirt,andapairofbeatenup,low-cutConverseChuckTaylors.TosayIstuck outlikeasorethumbwouldbeanunderstatement.IlookedlikeIwasheadedtoafratpartywhiletherestofthe hopefulactorsworesomesemblanceofperiodgarbsimilartothesettingofthemusical.Thewaytheauditionwas setup—whichIhaveneverexperiencedsince—wasthateverypersonwhowentuponstagetosingdidsoinfrontof everyoneelsewaitingtogo.Onceyouweredone,youwerefreetoleave.Suddenly,IwishedthatIhadshowedup latesotherewouldbenooneelsetowatchthispotentialdebacle,butIhidmyinsecurityandsatseemingly confidentlyinthebackofthetheaterwaitingformyturn.Heartpoundingunderneathmyincreasinglysweatyt-shirt,Ibegantocoachmyself.RunningthroughalistofthingsI'daccomplishedupuntilthispointinmylifeina desperateattempttoquellmynervesandconvincemyselfthiswasnothingIcouldn'thandle,Ibegantofindmy confidence.

  Thislasteduntilthefirstgirlgotuponstage.Shewasbeautifulandblonde,afewyearsyoungerthanme,butshe appearedolderbecauseofherformalperiodwardrobeandthewayshecarriedherself.Shehandedhersheetmusic tothepianistasthoughshe'ddonethisamilliontimesbefore.Thepianistbegantoplay.Whenthisyoungwoman begantobeltouthertune,allmyinsecuritiescamerushingback.Shewasamazing.Isatquestioningmydecisionto volunteerforthistortureandwonderedwhyIthought Ideservedtobehere.Somehow,bythetimeher16barscame toanend,Ihadconvincedmyselfthatshewasjustafluke.Itoldmyselftherestoftheauditioneeswouldbenormal, likeme.

  Thistheorycrashedtothegroundwhenthenextpersonwascalledtothestage.Thisyoungman,dressed appropriatelyinasuit,wasalsoclassicallytrained.HehadthekindofvoiceyouhearonBroadway,andashissong hititsclimax,Irealizedtheymightallbelikethis.Thatrealizationprovedtobetruewhenthenextthreeorfour actors,eventhosewhowereconsiderablyyoungerthanme,blewthedoorsofftheplace.Iwaslookingaroundfor theexitandthinkingaboutsneakingoutwhenmynamewascalled.

  Ohboy,Ithought,herecomesthemomentoftruth.

  Iwalkeduptothefrontofthetheater,feelingalleyesonme.HoppingontothestageascasuallyasIcould,Ithought ifIwasn'tthemostclassicallytrained,Iwasatleastgoingtoappearthemostconfident.Fakeit'tilyoumakeit,son.

  WhenIhitthestage,somethingshiftedinsideme.IrememberedwhyIwasthere.Imightnotbeclassicallytrained, butIlovedtoperform.Irememberedmyplantostickoutby embracingthefactthatIwasdifferent.Iwalkedtothe centerandplantedmyfeet.ThepianistaskedformysheetmusicandIstaredback.Musteringalltheconfidenceand courageIcould,ItoldhimI'dbesingingacappella.Thesheeraudacityofit,knowingIwasoutclassedbutforging aheadanyway,waslikearushofadrenaline.Aftertakingadeepbreathandexhaling,Ibegansnappingmyfingers andtappingmyfoot.IfellbackonwhatIknew:BillyJoel.

  WhileIdidn'thavemuchrealstageexperience,I didspendmanyadayandnightinjuniorhighandhighschool, sometimeswithfriends,sometimesalone,playingpianoandsinging.Somewhereinsidemewasaperformerdying togetoutandallheneededwasformetotakethisfirststepandgivehimtheopportunity.Iwasalive.Whereasjust minutesbeforetheattentionhadnearlycrumbledme,asIsangnow,Ifelteveryone'seyesonmeandI likedit.Iwas whereIwassupposedtobe.Andeventhoughtheoddsthatthey'dthinkIwasrightfor thisplaywereslimtonone,I didn'tcare.IhadtakentheleapandI'dberightforsomething, someday.

  Inabeautifultwistoffate,mycouragewasrewardedandIwasofferedarole.Andnotasmallrole,either.Iwasthe Chairman. TheMysteryofEdwinDroodisaplaywithinaplay,sopriortothecurtaingoinguptheyneeded someonetoimprovisewithaudiencemembersastheyenteredthetheater,inaBritishaccent,noless.Breakingthe fourthwallofthetheaterandspeakingdirectlytotheaudiencethroughouttheplay,theChairmanwastointroduce theplay,narrateit,andjumpintotheactionasMayorSapseaforseveralsongsandscenes.Hewasoneoftheleads andIhadthetimeofmylife.

  Attheendoftherun,thedirectorpulledmeasideandtoldmeshehadworriedaboutfindingtherightpersonto playtheChairmanbecauseitrequireddifferentskillsthananyoftheotherroles.WhenIhadhoppedonstagein jeansandat-shirtandstartedsnappingmyfingers,sheknewimmediatelythatIwasherguy.Mydifferences,the verythingIfearedwouldembarrassme,werethereasonIgotthegig.ButIneverwouldhavelearnedthatifIhadn't takenthefirststeptogetstarted.

  ToomanypeopleIspeakwithgetintheirownwaybecausethey'rejudgingthemselvesasifthey'reatthefinishline eventhoughthestartinggunhasbarelysounded.Romewasn'tbuiltinaday,andneitherwasanygoodbusiness, physique,orskyscraper.Thingstaketimetogrow,andusuallythattimetableis alotslowerthanyouhopeforitto be.Self-judgmentandcripplingself-criticismare notthepathtoyourgoal.Therearemanypathstosuccess, dependingonwhoyouareandwhatyouwanttodo.Thosepathsareasvariedanddifferentasthenumberofpeople intheworld,buttheyshareonethingincommon:eachonebeginswithafirststep.

  TopThreeTakeaways

  1. Beforestartingsomethingnew,remindyourselfthat“failureisbuiltintothegame.”

  2. Youdon'tneedtoknow howtodosomething.Oftenthethingsthatpeople thinkmakethemqualifiedfor ajoboracallingarenotreallythedecidingfactoranyway.Themostimportantfactoris whyyouare chasingthisgoalinthefirstplace.

  3. If yousay“no”toyourself,younevergive themthechancetosay“yes.” Theyusuallydon'tknowwhatthey needanyway,untiltheyseeit.

  CHAPTER2

  WorkEthic

  “Ifthebestguy,themosttalentedguy,whocouldmakeitjustontheirtalent,hastheworkethicofsomeonewith notalent,that'sscary.Andthat'sPrince.Andthat'sMichaelJackson.”

  — JimmyJam,MusicProducer

  ProduceroftheYear1987

  MostnominationsforProduc
eroftheYear

  Ifyouwatchevenjustafewinterviewswithcelebritiesandsportslegends,you'reboundtouncoveroneofthegreat contradictionsofthemotivationalworld:that everyonewhohasrisentothetopoftheirfieldclaimstobe“the hardestworkerintheroom.”FromDwayne“TheRock”JohnsontoWillSmithtoUltimateFightingChampion ConorMcGregor,everyoneofthemwilltellyou,“I'lldiebeforeI'moutworked.”Well,forthesakeofourcultureand entertainment,let'shopeallthreeofthemarenevertraininginthesameroom.Allkiddingaside,thepointisthat, for anyonewhowantstomakeamajorimpactalongthelinesofOprah,MotherTheresa,orthatincredible kindergartenteacheratyourchild'sschool,astrongworkethicisrequired.

  NatureversusNurture

  WhiletherearemanyareasinmylifewhereIdonotfeelnaturallygifted,Iwasblessedwitharelativelystrongwork ethicrightoutofthewomb.Someofmyearliestmemoriesinvolveafascinationwithchippingawayatataskorskill inordertoreachagoalthatwasnotwithinmyimmediategrasp.ThisisnottosaythatIdidn'tenjoylyingaround watchingmoviesordaydreamingasachild,butI'mguessingthatifyouaskedanyonewhohasknownme throughoutthevariousstagesofmylife,they'dbringupmyworkethicprettyearlyintheconversation.Notonlydid myworkethicfeellikeitwasinthefabricofmyDNA,itwasalsohonedbyparentswhowerefirst-generation AmericansandgrandparentswhotoldmestoriesofmakingthetransitionfromItalytotheUnitedStatesandthen weatheringtheGreatDepression.Thereweresomanystoriesaboutsacrificing nowinordertobenefit laterthat somehowitallseepedintomysubconscious.

  Friendandformer 10,000NOspodcastguestBedrosKeuiliancoinedtheterm“theimmigrantedge”todescribehow hishumblerootsgivehimanadvantagenow.HisfatherriskedalottogettheKeuilianfamilyoutfromunderSoviet ruletothefreedomoftheUnitedStates.ButjustbeinginAmericadidnotmeantheirtroublesweregone.Whenhe wasyoung,Keuilianwouldbehoistedupintodumpstersbehindgrocerystoresbyhisfathertoscroungeforfood thathadbeenthrownawayafteritsofficialexpirationdate.Hecreditshissuccessasanentrepreneurtohis identificationwiththehoneybadger,ananimalknownforitsabilitytoworkfeverishlyandsingle-mindedlyin pursuitoffoodandwhateverelseitneeds.Thosequalities,hesays,camefromgrowingupwithlessthaneveryone aroundhimandhavingparentswhotaughthimthevalueofhardwork.

 

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