Thewaymybusinessissetup,sometimesthecloseryougettolandingajob,themoreyoufeellikeyouwantit.It'sa combinationofcompetitivejuicesandalsoknowingthattheensuingfinancialrewardcouldchangeyourlife drastically.Soalotofthework,inadditiontotheactualscriptwork,istokeepone'snervesincheck.Ididthatand, despitethepressure-cookerenvironment,IfeltlikeI'dnailedit.
Becauseitwasdowntoonlymeandtwootheractors,thevibefrommyscreentesthadmeconvincedthatIwas goingtohaveagoodpayingjobandwouldbeablesaygoodbyetobartending.Butafterafewlongdays,andthe dreamofsteadypaychecks,Igotthecallfrommyagentthatitwasn'tgoinganyfurtherforme.Therewasaninitial surgeofanger,andadesiretoputmyfistthroughaplate-glasswindow.Thatlastedforabriefmoment,butthenI justfelt empty,depleted.Itwasan awfulfeeling,knowingthatallthatworkandexcitementamountedtoabsolutely nothingandthat,thefollowingday,I'dbebacktosquareone.
Muchliketheembarrassmentinmysportsstories,thereisablowtotheegointhiskindofrejection.Butit'salso morethanthat.Thereisableaknessandafeelingofbeingoverwhelmedthatoccurswhensomething feelslikean alignmentoftheplanetsthatwillleadtowardachangeindestinybutendsupbeingnothing.Witheachrungonthe ladderthatisclimbed,theinternalnarrativeshiftstomakesenseofitand,inordertogiveourselvesthebestshotat gettingthejob,wespeakasthoughthebestpossibleoutcomehasalreadyoccurred.It'shardnottoimagineawhole lifelaidoutbeforeyouwiththatjobplayinganintegralrole.Butwhentherugispulledfrombeneathyoujustas quicklyasitappeared,itcanleadtoadepressiveslump.It'sintheseslumpswhereeventhebestmenandwomen havetheirmettletested.
“Whenthejudgejust…smackeditdownlikethat,just…‘20years.’Realityreallykickedinastheystartedcuffing meup,yaknow,myfamily'sstartingtocry.Iwaslike,‘Allright,thisistherealityofthesituation.I'mgonna makeeverydaycount.There'snotgonnabeonedayIlookbackonandthink,whydidn'tIusethistimemore effectively?’I'mgonnachangemylifeandI'mgonnahelpotherpeoplechangetheirlives.”
—RobGrupe,Owner/CEO,TwiceBittenCrossFit
Remindingmyselfthatfailureisjustbuiltintothegame,Ichosetocontinueplayingdespitemybruisedego.AsI haddoneinsports,Ipickedmyselfup,dustedmyselfoff,andgotbackinthegame.Anyonewhohasplayed basketball,eveninapickupgame,knowsthatyoucan'tscoreunlessyoucontinuetotakeshotsatthehoop,even whenthoseshotsbounceoffthebackboardlikebricks.Thisparticulardecisiontoperseverepaidoffnottoolong aftermy AstheWorldTurnsexperience,whenIwentthroughanothergruelingseriesofcallbacksforapivotalrole onadifferentshow: TheSopranos.And,asfatewouldhaveit,myauditionyieldedmorefruitthanthatofthesoap operascreentest.Igotthegig.
Thisisnodisrespecttothemanygreatactorswhogottheirstartsonsoapoperasorthosewhomaketheirliving doingsoapscurrently.Itishardworkthatcomeswithchallengesthatcanmakeanactormuchbetterattheircraftif theyapproachitwiththerightattitude.But,forme, TheSopranossetmeonadifferentpaththanIwouldhavebeen onhadIlandedthesoaprole.IthelpedleadthewaytoalloftheotherprestigiousprojectsI'vebeenfortunatetobe apartsince.AndgettingitwasastrokeofluckthatIcouldn'thaveseencomingthedaymyagenttoldmeIwasn't gettingthesoap.HadIfoldedafterthatinitial“failure,”hadIsaid,“I'mnogood,I'mjustgonnaquit,”Inever would'veknownthepossibilitythatthebiggestbreakofmycareerwasonlyafewdoorsdownthehallway.
Youneverknowwhatthenextpageinyourbookwillbring,butyouneedtoremindyourselfthatyourstoryisnot over.Whereveryoumaybe,whetherinagoodpositionorbad,thereisonlyonethingthatyoucontrol:yourreaction totheeventsofyourlife.Ifyourattitudeispoorwhenbadthingsoccurortheoutcomeisnotwhatyouexpected,itis likelythatwhengoodthingshappenyouwillsquanderthem.Theexpression“Whereveryougo,thereyouare”isa warning:getyourheadrightnowandyouwillhavemoreopportunities.Noneofusareimmunefromsetbacks,but allofusarecapableofovercomingthem.
TopThreeTakeaways
1. Nomatterwhoyouareorwhatyoudo,perseveranceisasimportantforyoutolearnasanything.
2. Youcannotchoosewhatwillhappentoyou,butyoucanchoosehowyouwillreacttoit.
3. Yourstoryisnotover.Justbeyondyourcurrentstruggleissomethingbetter.
CHAPTER7
Reframing
“Maybethatwasagiftthatmyfathergaveme,fromayoungageIgotburdenedwithsomuch.Ihatedhimfora longtimebecauseofit.ButnowasI'vegottenolder,Iusehimalotinmywork.Heismydarkness.Heisapart thatreallycompletesme,asaperson,asanartist.”
— SarahShahi,Actor(TheLWord,PersonofInterest)
Thewayinwhichweframeexperiencesandpeoplethroughoutourlivesispossibly themostimportantfactorin determiningnotonlyoursuccess,butalsoourhappinessandpeaceofmindonthisearth.IfIhadtopickjust one lessonfromthisbookthatI'dlikeyoutowalkawaywith,itisprobablythis.Becauseallofus,whetherwe'reaNavy SEAL,anAcademyAward–winningactor,oratoptheForbesFortune500List,willexperienceloss,tragedy,defeat, andemotionalemptinessatsomepointinourlives.Thatisagivenbecauseallofusarehuman.Whatwill differentiateus,however,andthequalityofourlives,ishowwechooseto interpretthoseexperiencesandthus,how we respondtothem.
It'sNottheCanvas,It'sWhatYouSeeintheCanvas
Irememberatimeinelementaryschoolwhenablack-and-whitephotocopyofasketchwasbeingpassedaround.
Whenitwashandedtosomeoneforthefirsttime,itwasaccompaniedbythequestion,“Whatdoyousee?”Halfthe peoplewouldsayitwasapictureofanoldlady.They'dpointtoherprotrudingchinandherbumpednose,hersad eyeslookingdownward,andthewhitekerchiefthatservedalmostlikeahood.Theotherhalfofthepeoplewho lookedatthephotocopycamebackwithadrasticallydifferentdescription.Theydescribedabeautifulyoungwoman, withastrongjawlineandgorgeouscheekbones,exposingherexquisitelyslenderneckasshedemurelyturnedaway fromtheviewer.Theonlypartofherfacethatwasexposedwasalong,curlyeyelashandthetipofherpetiteand perfectnose.Onepicture,twodrasticallydifferentdescriptions.Whilethismentalexercisefascinatedmeatthe time,Ihad noideajusthowmuchitsprincipleswouldlaterbecomeapartofmylife.
Oneofmybestfriendsfromcollege,thesameonewhointroducedmetohissky-divingfriendfromChapter5,isa highlyregardedtraumasurgeoninBoston.HeisalsoamemberoftheHarvardMedicalSchoolfacultyand,priorto that,servedasaNavySEAL.Ifyou'rewonderingwhyIallowedsuchaslackerintomyinnercircle,Ibelieveitwasto keepmehumble.Fortunatelyforme,thisfriendandIhavebeenhavingin-depthconversationsaroundthetopics coveredinthisbookforthenearlythreedecadessincewemet.OneofthethingsIlove,whichhesharedwithme shortlyafterhemadethetransitionfromSEALtodoctor,issomethinghewoulddowheninvitedtospeaktovarious organizationsandschools.Hewouldprojecttwohugelistsonascreenbehindwherehestood.Theselistswere resumes,displayingcontrastingaccomplishmentsandfailuresoftwodrasticallydifferentpotentialcandidatesfor somefictitiousposition.Goingthroughthetwodifferentindividuals'listswiththeaudience,hewouldaskthemto helphimfigureoutwhyonehadfailedsomuchwhiletheotherthrived.
Oneoftheapplicants,tragically,couldneverseemtograsphisgoals.Hewantedtobeafighterpilot,buteventually changedhismind.Hewantedtoplaylacrosseincollege,butdespitebeingveryathletic,hewascutbeforemaking theteam.Hehadtroublefocusing,whichledhimtoquitmanysportsasayoungster,includinggymnastics,because hewantedto“haveanormallife.”Hewastoldbyhiscollegecounselor,whenaskingforguidanceinreaching medicalschool,tha
thisextracurricularactivitieswouldnotbeenoughtocompensateforhismediocregrades,sohe shouldgivethatdreamup.Inshort,thiscandidatecouldbedescribedasaloser.
Ontheotherhand,thelistofthesecondindividualwasastonishing.HehadbreakdancedfortheWashington Redskinswhenhewasonlyinsixthgrade.HewasaDelaware-Maryland-Virginiagymnasticschampionbefore middleschool.Hegothisvarsityletterinfootballandlacrossebeforechoosing nottoplayDivisionIlacrossein collegesohecouldearnhistuitionthroughtheNavyROTCprogram.HelaterchosetobecomeaNavySEALandnot onlymadeitthroughtheirlegendarytrainingtoreceivehisTrident,buteventuallyearnedprestigiousawards.Upon leavingtheNavy,hecoachedhishighschool'slacrosseteamandtaughtEnglishliteraturewhilestudyingforhis medicalschoolentranceexams.Heacedtheexams,flewthroughmedschool,andwashonoredbytheWhiteHouse forhisexemplaryserviceduringsevendeploymentsinAfghanistanandelsewhereasthefirstdoctortoalsobecalled uponforhiscombatexpertise.HelateropenedhisownpracticeandbecameamemberofHarvardMedical'sfaculty.
Bythispoint,maybeyou'veguessedthatthesecondindividualis,infact,myfriend.Butwhatmakeshimso differentfromthatfirstcandidate?Whyhashesucceededwherethisotherindividualhasfailed?Theanswerisquite simple:hehasn't.Thatotherindividualisalsomysamefriend.Fromacertainvantagepoint,evenanAmericanhero withalifestorythatreadslikethescreenplayfrom ForrestGumpcanappeartobeanabysmalfailure.
Thisistrueforallofus. Howweframeandinterprettheeventsofourlifedeterminesourdestiny.Thegoodnewsis thatthisskillcanbetaught.Justasthekidsinmyelementaryclasswhosawtheoldwomaninthatsketchwereable todiscovertheyoungladyonceshewasdescribedtothem, youcandiscovertheheroismandvictoryinyourown storyifsomeonepointsouttoyouwhereitlies.FriendandpastguestToniTorresmadeherwayoutofextreme povertyintheghettossurroundingClevelandallthewaytobeingaworkingactorinHollywood.Shereframedher entirelifetopreventherselffromendingupdeadorsellingdrugslikesomanyofthekidswithwhomshegrewup.
“IwentthroughthisstagewhereIstartedsayingmyparentswereinsales…becausetheysolddrugs.”
—ToniTorres,Actor
Afewyearsback,IutteredaphrasetomywifethatdescribestheactionIpartakeinprettymucheveryday: willful denial.Let'sbreakitdown.Accordingto Merriam-Webster'sDictionary,thedefinitionsofthesetermsareas follows:
willful-adj.,1-obstinatelyandoftenperverselyself-willed 2-donedeliberately:INTENTIONAL
denial-n.,refusaltoadmitthetruthorrealityofsomething(suchasastatementorcharge) I'msureapsychologistwouldhaveafielddaywithmeonthisandpointouttheerrorsofmyways.ButI'mnot denyingthatwhatIdoisalittleinsane.(Infact,ifIsetmysightsonwritingasecondbook,I'mgoingtocallit Crazy Enough.)Ibelievethatanyonewhohaseverachievedanythingbeyondamodicumofsuccesscould,fromatleast oneperspective,beperceivedasalittleofftheirrocker.Theveryvisionthatcreatesartwheretherewasonceablank canvas,ormassivecommercewherethereonceexistedeitherinefficiencyoralargegapbetweenbuyersandsellers, isfullofwillfuldenial.Whenapoet,novelist,orentrepreneurcreatessomethingthateventuallywinsthemawards ormassiveamountsofmoney,theyarebeingrewardedforrefusingtolookatwhat'sinfrontofthemastheonlyreal optionand,instead,creatingsomethingthatnooneelserealizedcouldexist.Thisisthesamethingwemustalldo onadailybasiswhenfacedwithchallengesthatmightotherwisestallusor,worse,derailusaltogether.
Livingwithsomeonewhoengagesinthisbehaviorincessantly,asmywifehasbeenforced—er, chosen—todowith me,mightbeenoughtodriveapersoninsaneaswell.Thisiswhysomanydocumentariesaboutindividualswho changedtheworldinsomewayalsoturntheirfocusonthespousesandfamiliesofthoseindividuals:thepeoplein closeproximitysometimessufferfromtheshrapnelthatdisperseseverytimeoneofthesegrandvisionsimplodesor comescrashingdowntoearth—orevensucceedsbeyondwildestexpectations.What'spossiblymoreinfuriatingfor thesesupportersisthatthepersonresponsibleforthethingthatiscrashingwillrarelyadmitthatthecrashwasa badthing.I'mnotsuggestingthatwedon'texaminetheerrorsofourwaysoranalyzeourpastmisstepsinorderto improveuponthem.Itshouldbeobviousthatpost-executionassessmentsneedtobemadeonaregularbasisforus togetbetter.Butitisalsonecessarytoframethingswiththesentimentthatlifehappens forus,not tous, inorder forustomaintainpositiveemotionalengagement.
There'sNoBusinessLikeShowBusiness
Letmegiveyousomeclassicexamplesofthisfrommyownlife.
WhentheABCseries Mistresses,starringAlyssaMilano,toldmeafteroneepisodethattheywantedtobumpmeup fromagueststartoaseriesregular,whereI'dmakeexponentiallymoremoney,Iwasexcited.ThenIlearnedthat theywantedtolockmeintotheshowexclusivelyfortheremainderofthatseasonwithnopayraise,andmerelythe promiseofaseries-regularposition iftheshowgotpickedupforanotherseason,whichisneverasurething.This soundedlikeabait-and-switchsoIsaidno,remainedatmylowprice,andfinishedouttheseasonwithoutbeingtied totheshowexclusively.Allthroughoutthatseason,thecreatorstoldmethatIwasthesoulmatetothewoman acrossfromwhomIwasplayingandthatthey neededmeforthedurationoftheshow.
When Mistressesgotpickedupforasecondseason,IwasinvitedtoattendapartyinHollywoodtocelebrate.Even thoughitwasalongdriveandouryoungkidswerehome,Iwantedtogo.Iwantedtocelebratewithmycastmates, anditwasalsosmartbusinessasI'dbegettingthecallaboutmynewdealasaseriesregularprobablywithindays aftertheparty.Wehadsomedrinksandhuggedeachother,proudoftheaccomplishment.Iwantedtoaskaboutmy deal,butofcoursethatwasn'ttherighttimeorplace.Whenaweekwentby,andthenanother,withnocall,I pressedmyagentsandmanagertocallthemandfindoutwhytherewasadelay.Itwasn'tuntilwereachedoutthat weheardthenews:thenetworkwasbeingtightwithmoneysotheycouldn'taddanewseriesregulartotheroster.I hadtomakeachoice:tellthemtogoscrewthemselvesunlesstheymademeaseriesregularordotheshowasa gueststaragain,forthereducedrate,becausehavingajobwasbetterthanunemployment.Givenourfinancial situationandyoungkids,Ichosetocontinueasagueststarandworkedhardtoassuagemyego.Theboldtruthwas thatIfeltburnedandwaspissedoff.ButwhatItoldmyself,andtheworld,wasthatIwashappytohaveajoband actuallygratefulthatIwasn'tlockedinsoIcouldgodootherprojects.
Thatlastlinesoundsgood,butasthesecondseasoncontinuedandmostofmytimewasspentonsetorauditioning forotherprojectsthatultimatelydidn'twantme,itslogicfeltthin.Until,outofnowhere,Iwasaskedtodoafavor foracastingdirector(you'llhearthatwholestoryinChapter15,JustBeaGoodPerson),andbeforeIknewitIwas telling MistressestheyhadtoshootmyscenesoutbeforeIleftforNewOrleanstobeoneofthemainvillainsin Hot Pursuit,thefirststudiomovieI'deverbooked.Don'tgetmewrong,Itrulylikedalloftheproducerson Mistresses, andIcanlookbacknowandknowthattheirdecisiontonotmakemeaseriesregularwasnotonly notpersonal,but likelyoutoftheirhandsandmandatedbythenetworkandstudio.I'dbelying,though,ifIdidn'tadmitthesweet revengeIfeltastheyhadtobendtheirschedulearoundminetogetmyepisodesinthecan.Mywillfuldenialfrom thesummerbeforehadturnedintotruth.
“Iwouldwrite,‘I'mgonnabeinacommercialwithLeBronandSerena.’AndI'dwriteitoverandoverand…ends up,IwasinaNikecommercialwithLeBronandSerena.ItwasthebigColinKaepernickad.”
—Charlie“Rocket”Jabaley,Entrepreneur,Speaker,NikeAthlete Ihavefollowedthispatternsomanytimesbecausethenatureofanactingcareeristhat,evenwhenthingsworkout, thereisashelf-lifeformostprojectsthatisla
ughablyshort.Forthisreason,ratherthanviewingtheendofajobas downer,theattemptistoviewitasanewopportunitytoreinventoneselfwithwhateverprojectcomesnext.
Sometimesthatiseasiersaidthandone,likewhen HugeinFrancewascanceledbyNetflixlessthanamonthafter webecameavailableforstreaming,despiteravereviewsonlineandabitofacultfervoramongcomedyfolksinmy industry.Shockedbytheirdecision,andwithnochoicebuttomoveon,Iquicklyreleaseditfrommymindand focusedonthepotentialof CityonaHillbecomingmynewhome.PerhapsthesituationthatI'mmostproudof reframingissomethingthatIdidasaresultofamajorhiccupduringmyrunonABC's Scandal.
OutofWork?StartaPodcast!
MyrunasMichaelAmbrusoon Scandalcameliterallyoutofnowhere.But,asmybrotherusedtojokinglysaywhen wewerekidsplayingfootballinourbasementandhe'dstopmefromatouchdown,“TheLordgivethandtheLord takethaway.”Thiswasdefinitelytruefor Scandalbecause,aseasilyasthisonecametome,thebottomdroppedout onitatthemostsurprisingtime.IwasinUtahin2016closetowrappingfilmingon WindRiver,afeaturefilmthat eventuallymadeasplashatSundanceandintheaters,whenIgotacallfrommymanager.ShetoldmethatShonda Rhimes(thecreatorof Scandal)wantedto“usemebigtimeintheupcomingseason.”Iwasnotundercontractwith theshowsomyworkwassubjecttothewhimsofthescriptsthatcamein,butacalllikethiswasasclosetoa guaranteeasonecouldget.Notonlythat,theyweregivingmespecificdates.Therewouldbe16episodesthat season,andtheywouldhaltproductioninthefallforKerryWashingtontohaveherbabyandthenresumeandwork throughAprilofthefollowingspring.Itfeltlikealock.
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