Matthew Del Negro - 10,000 NOs

by vHow to Overcome Rejection on the Way to Your YES (pdf)

  wrong.Fortherecord,ourkidswerebothoutatsleepovers,soatleasttheydidnotwitnesstheirfather'sidiocy.If thisbookisacompilationofallthemistakesI'vemadeandthetrialsanderrorsofminethatcanserveasguideposts foryoutomakebetterchoices,thenthisisExhibitA.

  Youknowyou'vescrewedupwhen,thefollowingday,yourhandhurtssobadlyyouneedtositinthesandnursingit ratherthanpartakeinabeautifulday'ssurfsession.Themistakeiscompoundedevenmorewhen,laterinthe afternoon,yourhandhasswelledsomuchthatitbarelyfitsintoyourbaseballmittandthesubsequentgameof catchwithyourten-year-oldsonissopainfulthatyoureyesarefilledwithtearseverytimeyoucatchoneofhis throws.ThankGod,whenIwaspersuadedthenextmorningtogotoUrgentCare,Iwasabletotellthemedicsthat bothofmykidswereoutofthehousewhenIcommittedthisdumbact.Thatdidnotstopthemfromoglingmeas thoughIwasguiltyofdomesticviolence,nordiditstopthemfromdeliveringthenewsthatIhadfracturedmy fourthmetacarpal,alsoknownasaboxer'sfracture.That'sagenerousnicknameforthisconsideringa realboxer doesn'thitinanimateobjectsthatcan'thitback.

  SothereIwas,outofwork,unabletoplaybaseballwithmysonorgoonthetrampolinewithmydaughter,and sportingabig,fat,marooncastthatwrappedaroundmyentirewrist,halfofmythumbandmyentirepinkyandring finger.Therewasnohidingit.EverywhereIwent,peoplewouldaskwhathappened.Iconsideredmakingupsome storyaboutitbeingfromaskiingaccidentoraboxingclass,butultimatelyIdecidedtosurrendertoit.IfIwasgoing tobehonestwithmyself,Ihadtoadmitthatthiswastheresultofbeingamanwhocaresdeeplyabouthiscraftand hiscareer,andispainfullyawareofhowshorthehasfallenfromthegoalshehadasayoungactor.Despitehaving justfinishedthebestjobofmycareer,auditionswerebearingnofruitanditfeltlikenothinghadchanged.This boneheadmovejusthurtmychancesofemploymentevenmorebecauseveryfewrolescallforamoronsportinga big,doofymarooncast.Butthesurrendertothetruthofmyactions,tonotonlymyselfbutanyonewhoasked, endedupleadingtomysalvation.

  IthinkI'mprettystraightforwardwithpeople,butwhenyoustarttellingnear-strangersthatyour45-year-oldself brokeyourhandpunchingawall,itisanewlevelofexposure.ItforcedmetoconfrontpartsofmyselfthatI'mnot proudofanddon'tlikeverymuch.Severalverygenerousfathersmyagetriedtolessenmydiscomfortuponhearing mytale,admittingthattheyhaddonethesamething.WhenIpressedthem,however,andaskedhowoldtheywere atthetime,theagerangethatshotbackwasbetween18and22.Thatonlyservedtofurthersolidifymystupidity andimmaturity.Butwhenyoufacethiskindofshortcominginyourself,overandover,dayinanddayout, eventuallyyouacceptyourself.Youstarttothink,“Yes,Iwasdumb.Butitdoesn'tdefineme.”

  TakeYourMedicineandtheCureWillFindYou

  Andsometimes,aseventuallyhappenedtome,theuniverseorGod,dependingonyourbeliefs,comestoyouraid

  andthrowsyouaboneafteryou'vetakenyourmedicinelikeachamp,muchthewayRedwasgrantedhisfreedom oncehefinallyacceptedhisguiltandtookresponsibilityforhisactions.Afteradismalpilotseasonandamultitude ofself-tapes,onwhichItriedtoconvincemyselfthecastwouldactuallyhelp,Ifoundmyselfstilllookingforwork thatJune.Thatwaswhentheauditionthatledtotheperformancewhichgotmethemostindividualattentionofmy careerthusfarcamehurtlingthroughtheuniverseandlandedinmylap.

  Outofnowhere,IauditionedfortheNetflixcomedyseries HugeinFrance.TherolewasthatofJasonAlanRossand thefirsttimeIreadthematerial,despitefindingitincrediblyfunny,IthoughttherewasabsolutelynowayIwould getit.Onthepage,Jasonwas30yearsold,blond,buff,andnotthesharpestknifeinthedrawer.Thatlastpartmay nothavebeenastretch,butphysicallyIwasn'trightatall.Iwasnearly46,dark-haired,andlean.Itjustdidn't match.Luckily,though,onthe insideIhadjustlivedthrough monthsofJason-likeexperiences.AsIfirstrecounted inChapter4,Jasonwasanactor,almostincessantlyoutofwork,veryproudanddefensiveofhisdedicationtohis craft. Accordingtohim, amethodactor.Hisgirlfriend,whowasalso“employing”Jasonbypayingforhisgasand cellphonebillsinexchangeformentoringherteenagesonthroughthepacesofmodelingandweight-training,did notviewhisactingwiththesameprideasJason.Inshort,thisguywasadown-on-his-luckloserwithabigheart.On secondthought,Iwas perfectforit!

  OneofthethingsIalwayssayaboutactingisthat anyexperiencecanbeused.Really,thatisanotherwayofsaying thatifwesurrendertoanyexperience,wecaneventuallyuseit forusratherthanhavingitwork againstus.Billy JoelwasabletousewhatI'msurewassometimesanexcruciatinglyfrustratingexperienceworkingforpaltrytipsat aLongIslandpianobarasayoungmusiciantohelphimwritethesongforwhichheismostfamous.Inthecaseof HugeinFrance,despitearushedschedulethatlackedasurplusofpreptime,mypreviousseveralmonths'

  surrendertomyowndesperationasanactor,combinedwiththedietandexerciseregimenIexplainedindetailin Chapter4,provedtobealltheprepIneeded.

  Sadly,theserieswascanceledafteroneseason,butthatdidn'tcompletelyerasemymemoryofwhenNetflix representatives,havingwatchedacutoftheseasonforthefirsttime,reachedouttomyrepresentativestotellthem they'dbegettingbehindmeforanEmmycampaignformyindividualperformance.Oncetheseasonwascanceled, thatneverhappened,butatleast Iknowthatmyworkdidn'tgototallyunnoticed.IsupposeIoweNetflixathank-you—afterall,theyjustaddedanother“no”tomypileof10,000aswellasafewsentencestothisbook.It'svery simple:Icangetmadandpunchanotherwall,orsurrendertoitandhavefaiththatthis“no”willonedayleadtoa futureEmmycampaignthatendswitha“yes.”

  TopThreeTakeaways

  1. Surrenderisnotalwayswelcome,butifitcomes,youhavenochoicebuttoacceptit.

  2. Youwillonlybreakfreeofyourcurrentprisonwhenyouadmittoyourpartinwhyyou'rethereinthefirst place.

  3. Anyexperiencecanbeusedonceyou'vesurrenderedtoitandacknowledgedit.

  CHAPTER9

  Transformation

  “SowhenIwenttomyartistsandmybusinesspartnersandIsaidthatIwantedtoretiretheywereconfused.I said,‘I'mgonnabeanathlete.’‘Whatdoesthatmean,Charlie?29yearsold,300pounds,you'regonnabean athlete?’‘Yes.BecausethatwasmydreamthatIburiedwhenIwasalittlekid.’”

  —Charlie“Rocket”Jabaley,Entrepreneur,Speaker,NikeAthlete Oneofthemostinspiringthingsabouthostingapodcastaboutresilienceissittingfacetofacewithindividualswho havetransformedtheirlives,andthelivesofthosearoundthem,indramaticfashion.Whileeachchapterinthis booktouchesuponvariousaspectsofsurvivingandthriving,theunderlyingthemeisreallythatoftransformation.

  Atitscore,transformationisaboutadaptingandallowingaspectsofourselvesthatarenolongerservingustodie whilesimultaneouslycultivatingemergingaspectsofselftomoveusinnewdirections.Bytransformingourselves, wegiveourselvesaccesstothatwhichwepreviouslymaynothaveevenrealizedwasavailabletous.

  TheCaterpillar,theCocoon,andtheButterfly

  Thetransformationofacaterpillarintoabutterflyisanawesomefeatofnature.Suchametamorphosisreflectsthe potentialforchangeinallofus.Thefactthatalivingbeingcangofrombeingahairy,16-leggedfurrycreaturethat inchesalongalmostimperceptiblybycontortingitsrotundbodywithextremeeffortandtransformintoa multicolored,intricatelypatterned,lithebeingcapableofflightiscauseforaweandoptimism.Manypeoplego throughtheirentirelivesconvincingthemselvesthattheydon'thavethepotentialforthatkindofchange,or any changeinsomeinstances,foravarietyofreasons.Attherootofeveryoneofthosereasonsisfear.Itisthroughthe surrenderprocessIdiscussedinthepreviouschap
ter,andembracingthefearoftheunknown,thatwecanemerge fromourowncocoonsandtransformourselvesintowhatwealwayshopedtobe.

  Forsimplicity'ssake,I'dliketobreakthosewhofearchangeandthepotentialfortransformationintothreegroups.

  Thefirstgroup,despiteseeingexamplesofchangeallaroundthem,donotbelievethatchangeispossiblefor them.

  Thesecondgroup,eveniftheybelievechangeis possibleforthem,complainthattheydonot haveaccesstopeople withthetechniques,bothphysicalandpsychological,toguidethemtowhattheyneedtodoinordertochange.In today'sdayandage,usinglackofaccessasanexcusetoavoidchangegetsthinnerbytheminutewiththeabundance aroundus—nottomentionwhat'satourfingertipsjustbyclickingalink.Inmostcases,thatisexactlywhatitis: an excuse.Thethirdgroupofpeoplebelievethatchangeis possibleforthemandthatthey haveaccesstoresourcesand peoplewithtechniquestohelpthemchange,buttheystilldon'tactonthatbelieforknowledge,becausethey fear thefeelingsthatwouldensueiftheyactuallytriedtheirbestandstillfailedtoreachtheirgoal.

  ImustadmitthatIhavebeeninallthreeofthesecampsatonetimeoranother,andstillfindmyselfinthemat times.Luckily,withalotofwork , I'mfindingmyselfincreasinglycapableofpositivechange.ButIhavebynomeans graduatedfromthisstruggle.IfyoulookatmystoryofphysicaltransformationinChapter4,Disciplineand Training,ImentionedthereasonthatstoryisnoteworthyisbecauseIhad triedtotransformmybodysomanyother timesinthepastandfailed.Itismucheasiertolookaroundathighachieversandtellyourselfthattheyarejust luckybecausethey“haveitall.”It'snottrue,butit'seasierthanpayingpainstakinglydetailedattentiontoyourown actionsandchangingthemwherenecessary.

  Andthat'swhatmustbedoneinordertooptimizeyourresultsandachievewhateveritisthatyou'reafter.So,if you'relookingforan easywaytochangeandattaineverythingyou'veeverwanted,I'mafraidyou'reoutofluck.

  Instead,letmegiveyouatipIlearnedfroma masteroftransformation,former 10,000NOsguestDonSaladino.

  SaladinoisknownfortransformingthebodiesofsomeofthebiggestnamesinHollywood.Inpreparingthemtoplay superheroes,hehashelpedactorslikeHughJackmanandRyanReynoldsbecomeWolverineandDeadpool, respectively.HehelpedBlakeLivelygetbackinfightingshapeaftershegavebirthtwice,andhelpedLievSchreiber believablykickbuttasRayDonovan.Infact,whenBlakeLivelyshowedupearlyforherusualworkoutwith Saladino,Iwasabletoaskherifhefollowsalloftheprincipleshehadjusttoldmeheuses.Here'swhatshehadto say:

  “Hereallyunderstandsthepersonhe'strainingandtheirpersonalneeds.So,beyondwhatyourfitnessgoalsare, heunderstandswhat'simportanttoyou.Soyoudon'tfeellike,‘I'mgonnacomeinhereandI'mgonnahaveto giveupeverythingIloveinordertoachievemygoals.’Youfeellike,‘Icandothis.Icanstickwithit.’Hetrains everyonedifferentlybecauseeveryonehasdifferentgoals.”

  —BlakeLively,Actor, TheTown,GossipGirl

  WhilethosefamousnamescertainlyhelpSaladino'scauseintermsofattractingmorebusiness,whathe'smost proudof,andwhatLivelymadeapointofmentioning,istheworkhedoeswithpeoplewhoare notfamous, particularlythosewhoareobeseandstrugglingtoaccomplishevenbasicphysicaltasks.Saladinotoldmethatoneof thebiggestfactorsindeterminingnotonlyone'sabilitytotransform,butalsoone'sabilitytomaintainsaid transformation,wasdoing less.Hesharedthatmostpeoplecometohisgym,excitementintheireyes,willingtodo whateverittakes.Theytraineveryday,allday,andweightheirfooddowntothegram.And,whilethismaybewhat Saladinodoeswithhissuperstarsafterthey'vealreadybeeninaroutinewithhimforalongtimeandworkedupto thisload,itcanspelldeathtotheaverageperson'strainingregimen.

  Saladinopreachesthat“IfyoudrinkfourglassesofwineeveryFridaynight…juststartoutbylimitingyourselfto three.”Hemaintainsthatthis“easytweak”isnotsohardtopulloff.Theapproachofgradualadjustmentsrather thangoingcoldturkeyisintendedtobuildconfidence.Confidencebuildsexcitement.Excitementbuildsenergy.

  Energyboostsdailyroutines.Higherqualitydailyroutineswillproducebetterresults.Betterresultswillbuild confidence,andsoonandsoon.UsingSaladino'sprinciples,clientsfindthemselvesinanupwardspiralthat actually buildstheirmomentumastheycomeclosertotheirgoalsratherthanburningthemout.Andbecausethe changesaremadeincrementally,theytendnottofallapartasquicklyasthepersonwhowentfromflabtosix-pack in45days.

  “It'sliketheNewYear'sresolution.Peoplediveintothisstuffandtheyfeellikeit'sallornothing.Peopledon't wanttohearthatsometimesthebestapproachistotakealongtime.Whenyouhearthesepeoplesay,‘Oh,the six-weekprogram…’Canitwork?Sure.Butlookatallthepeoplewhoweren'tabletoholdontoit.”

  —DonSaladino,StrengthCoach,Entrepreneur

  Yes,Saladinoadmits,peoplewillsometimestakeastepbackaftertakingtwostepsforward.Butthisgradual approachtochangecanguardclientsagainstmajorsetbacks.Whensomeonefocusesontheseminorchangesmore thanworryingabouthowtheirtransformationappearsto everyoneelse,theyeventuallylookinthemirrorandfind abutterflystaringbackatthemwhereacaterpillaroncestood.

  ThereAreNoSmallParts,OnlySmallActors

  Anobvioustopicforanactortocoverwhendiscussingtransformationistheprocessoftransformingoneselffora role.WhenyoulookatchameleonslikeGaryOldman,ChristianBale,orSamRockwell,withtheiralmost supernaturalabilitiestoappearunrecognizablefromthemselvesortheirpastroles,actingtransformationscanlook likemagictoanoutsider.But,justaswithphysicaltransformations,whenyoubreakthemdownyourealizethat theyaresimplytheresultofverypragmaticandactionablechoicesthat,compoundedbytimeandaidedbyother professionals,adduptosomethingthat appearstobeotherworldly.Actually,thereisabitof“other-worldmagic”

  thatusuallyshowsupinthebestinstances,butonlygetstheinvite afterallthehardworkhasbeendone.

  IamfortunateenoughtobeacquaintedwithSamRockwell.Whenhisnamecomesup,thecommentsIhearfrom moviegoersgenerallyincludeastonishmentathistransformationaloverhaulsfromroletorole.Whileit'seasytojust passRockwelloffas“naturallygifted”or“luckytogettheroleshegets,”thatisnotthewholestory.Ofcourse,hehas gifts,whichiswhyhisperformancesforhisrecentturnsin Vice, Fosse/Verdon, and ThreeBillboardsinEbbing, MissouriscoredhimanOscarnomination,anEmmynomination,andanOscarwinforBestSupportingActor, respectively.Buthealsohasan insaneworkethic,andthereisafocusandincrementaltransformationthattakes placeovertimeasaresultofit.

  “Ithasrigorinit.Ithasdisciplineandrigor.It'snotjustshowupandlet'sseewhathappens.[Thismethod]

  makesyouresponsible.Anditreallyputsintothebody,throughpractice,practice,practice,practicethisthing thattheworkeventuallybecomesinevitable.”

  —TerryKnickerbocker,ActingCoach

  MuchlikeJayFerruggia'sadvicewhenIaskedhimtohelpmetransformmybodyfor HugeinFrance,makinggood choicesiswhatseparatesthemastersfromthemasses,regardlessofone'schosenprofession.Jay'slaser-sharp guidanceonmyoriginallyscatteredgoalsnarrowedmyfocusandencouragedmetoonlychangeonethingatatime.

  Rockwellbeginshisapproachinthesameway,startingslowandbuildingupfromthere.MyfriendChrisMessina invitedmetoreadDavidMamet's AmericanBuffalowithhimandSambecauseRockwellwaspreparingforarunof theplayonBroadwayinthespringof2020.EventhoughitwasonlyNovember2019,Rockwellhadalreadyspenta lotoftimewiththescript.

  ReadingwithtalentslikeRockwellandMessinaisalwaysapleasure.Whatisimportantforthepurposesof this chapter,though,wasRockwell'sre
lationshiptothematerial.Heknewthathewasstilllight-yearsawayfrom understandinghischaracterthewayhewouldunderstandhimmonthslaterwhentheshowopened.Heexpressed anxietyaboutreadingitbeforewebegan.Andyet,oncewestarted,evenatthatearlystage,hisparticulartakeonthe characterandtheslowpacehetookwithhisdialoguehelpedmetoheartheplayinanewway,despitehavingreadit manytimesandseenmultipleproductionsofit.

  Asgoodasitwas,though,Rockwellstoppedatonepointtotalkaboutthedangeroflettingaplaythisgood make ourchoicesforus.Mamet'srhythmandlanguageissodelicious,itistemptingtospititoutfastsoit soundsgood, eventhoughtheactorutteringthewordsmaynotreallyknowwhatheissaying.Conversely,byslowingdownand miningforgreaterunderstandingofwhatmatterstothischaracter,andhowherelatesto Sam,Rockwellwasableto connectonapersonallevel.Hewasawarethat,foratruetransformationtooccur,theactorneedstobringhimor herselftotherole,includingsometimesembarrassinginconsistenciesandidiosyncrasies.

  ACobbled-Together“Career”

  ComparedtoSamRockwell'sstoriedcareer,IsometimeslookatmyownandlamentthatI'vebarelycobbled togethersomethingresemblingacareerbyrepeatedlytakingonrolesinwhichIwasmiscastanddoingmybestto makesomethingmemorableandbelievableoutofthem.Despitethissometimes-depressingviewofmyownbodyof work,IhaverecentlyencounteredalotofstrangerswhohavegenerouslypraisedmebyexpressinghowdifferentI aminreallifecomparedtohowtheyperceivedmeinaparticularrole.Thesecommentsencouragedmetolookback

  atmyworkwithalesscriticaleyesoIcouldcelebratealittlemoreandself-bashalittleless.

  IwaspleasantlysurprisedwhenIbegantolookatthespectrumoftherolesI'veplayed.Withafewexceptions,each oneofthem,asInowreflect,isdistinguishablefromtheothers.Therewasthewet-behind-the-earsfinancial-advisor cousintothewifeofthemobbosson TheSopranos.Therewastheuncommonlycompetentadvancemantothe eventualPresidenton TheWestWing.Iplayedamorallychallengedsexworkerwhowasusinghisbodytomake moneybygettingdirtonhisemployer'spoliticalopponenton Scandal.Thatcharacterwaseventuallyrevealedto haveaverysensitiveandvulnerablesidethatwasfarfromhowhewasperceivedwhenhearrivedonthescene.My charactersin WindRiver, Goliath, and ChicagoFireweredifferentcombinationsofaggressive,manipulative,and largelycorruptindividuals.I'vetouchedonmy HugeinFrancerole,andthenthere'sthe“goodcop”I'mcurrently playingon CityonaHill.AsthecaptainoftheGangunit,mycharacterleadswithintegrityandhashisvalues straight.Atleasthedoessofar.CheckbackinafterSeason2.