CHAPTER VI.
A continuation of the state of England under Queen Anne. The characterof a first minister of state in European courts.
My master was yet wholly at a loss to understand what motives couldincite this race of lawyers to perplex, disquiet, and weary themselves,and engage in a confederacy of injustice, merely for the sake of injuringtheir fellow-animals; neither could he comprehend what I meant in saying,they did it for hire. Whereupon I was at much pains to describe to himthe use of money, the materials it was made of, and the value of themetals; "that when a _Yahoo_ had got a great store of this precioussubstance, he was able to purchase whatever he had a mind to; the finestclothing, the noblest houses, great tracts of land, the most costly meatsand drinks, and have his choice of the most beautiful females. Thereforesince money alone was able to perform all these feats, our _Yahoos_thought they could never have enough of it to spend, or to save, as theyfound themselves inclined, from their natural bent either to profusion oravarice; that the rich man enjoyed the fruit of the poor man's labour,and the latter were a thousand to one in proportion to the former; thatthe bulk of our people were forced to live miserably, by labouring everyday for small wages, to make a few live plentifully."
I enlarged myself much on these, and many other particulars to the samepurpose; but his honour was still to seek; for he went upon asupposition, that all animals had a title to their share in theproductions of the earth, and especially those who presided over therest. Therefore he desired I would let him know, "what these costlymeats were, and how any of us happened to want them?" Whereupon Ienumerated as many sorts as came into my head, with the various methodsof dressing them, which could not be done without sending vessels by seato every part of the world, as well for liquors to drink as for saucesand innumerable other conveniences. I assured him "that this whole globeof earth must be at least three times gone round before one of our betterfemale _Yahoos_ could get her breakfast, or a cup to put it in." He said"that must needs be a miserable country which cannot furnish food for itsown inhabitants. But what he chiefly wondered at was, how such vasttracts of ground as I described should be wholly without fresh water, andthe people put to the necessity of sending over the sea for drink." Ireplied "that England (the dear place of my nativity) was computed toproduce three times the quantity of food more than its inhabitants areable to consume, as well as liquors extracted from grain, or pressed outof the fruit of certain trees, which made excellent drink, and the sameproportion in every other convenience of life. But, in order to feed theluxury and intemperance of the males, and the vanity of the females, wesent away the greatest part of our necessary things to other countries,whence, in return, we brought the materials of diseases, folly, and vice,to spend among ourselves. Hence it follows of necessity, that vastnumbers of our people are compelled to seek their livelihood by begging,robbing, stealing, cheating, pimping, flattering, suborning, forswearing,forging, gaming, lying, fawning, hectoring, voting, scribbling,star-gazing, poisoning, whoring, canting, libelling, freethinking, andthe like occupations:" every one of which terms I was at much pains tomake him understand.
"That wine was not imported among us from foreign countries to supply thewant of water or other drinks, but because it was a sort of liquid whichmade us merry by putting us out of our senses, diverted all melancholythoughts, begat wild extravagant imaginations in the brain, raised ourhopes and banished our fears, suspended every office of reason for atime, and deprived us of the use of our limbs, till we fell into aprofound sleep; although it must be confessed, that we always awaked sickand dispirited; and that the use of this liquor filled us with diseaseswhich made our lives uncomfortable and short.
"But beside all this, the bulk of our people supported themselves byfurnishing the necessities or conveniences of life to the rich and toeach other. For instance, when I am at home, and dressed as I ought tobe, I carry on my body the workmanship of a hundred tradesmen; thebuilding and furniture of my house employ as many more, and five timesthe number to adorn my wife."
I was going on to tell him of another sort of people, who get theirlivelihood by attending the sick, having, upon some occasions, informedhis honour that many of my crew had died of diseases. But here it waswith the utmost difficulty that I brought him to apprehend what I meant."He could easily conceive, that a _Houyhnhnm_, grew weak and heavy a fewdays before his death, or by some accident might hurt a limb; but thatnature, who works all things to perfection, should suffer any pains tobreed in our bodies, he thought impossible, and desired to know thereason of so unaccountable an evil."
I told him "we fed on a thousand things which operated contrary to eachother; that we ate when we were not hungry, and drank without theprovocation of thirst; that we sat whole nights drinking strong liquors,without eating a bit, which disposed us to sloth, inflamed our bodies,and precipitated or prevented digestion; that prostitute female _Yahoos_acquired a certain malady, which bred rottenness in the bones of thosewho fell into their embraces; that this, and many other diseases, werepropagated from father to son; so that great numbers came into the worldwith complicated maladies upon them; that it would be endless to give hima catalogue of all diseases incident to human bodies, for they would notbe fewer than five or six hundred, spread over every limb and joint--inshort, every part, external and intestine, having diseases appropriatedto itself. To remedy which, there was a sort of people bred up among usin the profession, or pretence, of curing the sick. And because I hadsome skill in the faculty, I would, in gratitude to his honour, let himknow the whole mystery and method by which they proceed.
"Their fundamental is, that all diseases arise from repletion; whencethey conclude, that a great evacuation of the body is necessary, eitherthrough the natural passage or upwards at the mouth. Their next businessis from herbs, minerals, gums, oils, shells, salts, juices, sea-weed,excrements, barks of trees, serpents, toads, frogs, spiders, dead men'sflesh and bones, birds, beasts, and fishes, to form a composition, forsmell and taste, the most abominable, nauseous, and detestable, they canpossibly contrive, which the stomach immediately rejects with loathing,and this they call a vomit; or else, from the same store-house, with someother poisonous additions, they command us to take in at the orificeabove or below (just as the physician then happens to be disposed) amedicine equally annoying and disgustful to the bowels; which, relaxingthe belly, drives down all before it; and this they call a purge, or aclyster. For nature (as the physicians allege) having intended thesuperior anterior orifice only for the intromission of solids andliquids, and the inferior posterior for ejection, these artistsingeniously considering that in all diseases nature is forced out of herseat, therefore, to replace her in it, the body must be treated in amanner directly contrary, by interchanging the use of each orifice;forcing solids and liquids in at the anus, and making evacuations at themouth.
"But, besides real diseases, we are subject to many that are onlyimaginary, for which the physicians have invented imaginary cures; thesehave their several names, and so have the drugs that are proper for them;and with these our female _Yahoos_ are always infested.
"One great excellency in this tribe, is their skill at prognostics,wherein they seldom fail; their predictions in real diseases, when theyrise to any degree of malignity, generally portending death, which isalways in their power, when recovery is not: and therefore, upon anyunexpected signs of amendment, after they have pronounced their sentence,rather than be accused as false prophets, they know how to approve theirsagacity to the world, by a seasonable dose.
"They are likewise of special use to husbands and wives who are grownweary of their mates; to eldest sons, to great ministers of state, andoften to princes."
I had formerly, upon occasion, discoursed with my master upon the natureof government in general, and particularly of our own excellentconstitution, deservedly the wonder and envy of the whole world. Buthaving here accidentally mentioned a minister of state, he commanded me,some time after, to inform him, "what species of _Yaho
o_ I particularlymeant by that appellation."
I told him, "that a first or chief minister of state, who was the personI intended to describe, was the creature wholly exempt from joy andgrief, love and hatred, pity and anger; at least, makes use of no otherpassions, but a violent desire of wealth, power, and titles; that heapplies his words to all uses, except to the indication of his mind; thathe never tells a truth but with an intent that you should take it for alie; nor a lie, but with a design that you should take it for a truth;that those he speaks worst of behind their backs are in the surest way ofpreferment; and whenever he begins to praise you to others, or toyourself, you are from that day forlorn. The worst mark you can receiveis a promise, especially when it is confirmed with an oath; after which,every wise man retires, and gives over all hopes.
"There are three methods, by which a man may rise to be chief minister.The first is, by knowing how, with prudence, to dispose of a wife, adaughter, or a sister; the second, by betraying or undermining hispredecessor; and the third is, by a furious zeal, in public assemblies,against the corruption's of the court. But a wise prince would ratherchoose to employ those who practise the last of these methods; becausesuch zealots prove always the most obsequious and subservient to the willand passions of their master. That these ministers, having allemployments at their disposal, preserve themselves in power, by bribingthe majority of a senate or great council; and at last, by an expedient,called an act of indemnity" (whereof I described the nature to him),"they secure themselves from after-reckonings, and retire from the publicladen with the spoils of the nation.
"The palace of a chief minister is a seminary to breed up others in hisown trade: the pages, lackeys, and porters, by imitating their master,become ministers of state in their several districts, and learn to excelin the three principal ingredients, of insolence, lying, and bribery.Accordingly, they have a subaltern court paid to them by persons of thebest rank; and sometimes by the force of dexterity and impudence, arrive,through several gradations, to be successors to their lord.
"He is usually governed by a decayed wench, or favourite footman, who arethe tunnels through which all graces are conveyed, and may properly becalled, in the last resort, the governors of the kingdom."
One day, in discourse, my master, having heard me mention the nobility ofmy country, was pleased to make me a compliment which I could not pretendto deserve: "that he was sure I must have been born of some noble family,because I far exceeded in shape, colour, and cleanliness, all the_Yahoos_ of his nation, although I seemed to fail in strength andagility, which must be imputed to my different way of living from thoseother brutes; and besides I was not only endowed with the faculty ofspeech, but likewise with some rudiments of reason, to a degree that,with all his acquaintance, I passed for a prodigy."
He made me observe, "that among the _Houyhnhnms_, the white, the sorrel,and the iron-gray, were not so exactly shaped as the bay, thedapple-gray, and the black; nor born with equal talents of mind, or acapacity to improve them; and therefore continued always in the conditionof servants, without ever aspiring to match out of their own race, whichin that country would be reckoned monstrous and unnatural."
I made his honour my most humble acknowledgments for the good opinion hewas pleased to conceive of me, but assured him at the same time, "that mybirth was of the lower sort, having been born of plain honest parents,who were just able to give me a tolerable education; that nobility, amongus, was altogether a different thing from the idea he had of it; that ouryoung noblemen are bred from their childhood in idleness and luxury;that, as soon as years will permit, they consume their vigour, andcontract odious diseases among lewd females; and when their fortunes arealmost ruined, they marry some woman of mean birth, disagreeable person,and unsound constitution (merely for the sake of money), whom they hateand despise. That the productions of such marriages are generallyscrofulous, rickety, or deformed children; by which means the familyseldom continues above three generations, unless the wife takes care toprovide a healthy father, among her neighbours or domestics, in order toimprove and continue the breed. That a weak diseased body, a meagrecountenance, and sallow complexion, are the true marks of noble blood;and a healthy robust appearance is so disgraceful in a man of quality,that the world concludes his real father to have been a groom or acoachman. The imperfections of his mind run parallel with those of hisbody, being a composition of spleen, dullness, ignorance, caprice,sensuality, and pride.
"Without the consent of this illustrious body, no law can be enacted,repealed, or altered: and these nobles have likewise the decision of allour possessions, without appeal." {514}
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