She understood that all too well, for she was rather frightened herself.
She remained that way, sitting on the edge of the bed and rocking the baby back and forth while staring down at the dead man, until Roan returned. How long had he been gone? She hadn’t the slightest idea.
It took only a moment for him to understand what had transpired. He dropped his bag to the floor and ran to her, kneeling by the bed and taking both her and the baby in his arms.
“What happened?” he whispered as he held them.
She could barely speak against his shoulder, he held her so tight. “He… came in. He wanted…” She turned her face away, unable to speak of it. The shame, the repulsion.
And the knowledge that she could kill a man. She was a killer.
Roan did not seem to see it this way as he stroked her back. “There, there. It’s over now. You did well.”
“I did well?” She pulled back to stare at him, unable to understand. “I killed a man! I killed him.”
He met her gaze unflinchingly, and with a great deal of intensity. “I know. And I applaud you for it. You did what needed to be done. Both for you and for the child. I couldn’t be prouder. I’m only sorry that I was not here to defend you.”
She allowed him to hold her, to comfort her even as the dead man stared lifelessly at her feet. She only knew that Roan was there, and it was all right. He would help her. And he thought she had done the right thing.
Somehow, that provided a great deal of relief.
She didn’t ask where he buried the man. She only looked at him once upon his return from having disposed of the body.
He seemed to understand her feelings, for he did not press her into speaking of it. He was kind and gentle, even going so far as to clean the blood from the floor and to dispose of the wood she’d used as a weapon.
He’d done all this without question, without comment. He had simply gone about his work until it was finished.
It was not until much later, lying in his bed while he stretched out on the floor by the fire, that the shock began to wear off. It left her trembling, her emotions running high and threatening to spill over at any second.
It left her concerned about the fate of her immortal soul.
She did everything she could to conceal her weeping, as there was no use in letting him know how deeply she felt the pain and regret over what she done.
Yet he must have heard, for he sat up with a sigh. “That man deserved what he got. He deserved much worse than that, in fact.”
It was easy for him to speak this way, for he had not ended the man’s life. “I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t.”
“I know you didn’t. But when you are faced with such a situation, what else is there to do?” He came to her, sitting by the bed, though they did not touch. He simply remained on the floor, with Edward on the bed between them.
She drew the blanket up near her chin, as if it would protect her from the hellfire she feared awaited her now. “I knew what he wanted to do, and I only wanted to stop him. I didn’t mean to kill him.”
His mouth set in a tight line, his eyes narrowing. “There are men like him in the mountains. I should’ve known better than to leave you alone.”
“It isn’t your fault,” she sniffled. “You didn’t know.”
“And you were only acting in protection of yourself and of Edward. Anyone would have done the same, though I don’t believe many are as fortunate. Not many would have the strength or the quick thinking to do what you did. And they might deeply regret it now. I’d rather have you regret killing him than regretting not having killed him. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
She nodded, and she saw the sense of this. Better to be sorry for what she did than to spend the rest of her life wishing she had.
For all she knew, he might have killed her once he’d finished.
“I am still proud of you, if it means anything,” Roan whispered, reaching over Edward to take her hand. It was warm, solid, the fingertips calloused but gentle. “And I am everlastingly grateful that you protected Edward as you did. I could never thank you enough.”
Then, to her eternal surprise, he raised her hand to his lips and kissed it.
The briefest kiss, gentle and tender and lasting no longer than the time it took to blink an eye.
But she knew then and there that she would carry it in her heart for the rest of her life.
16
It was time for her to go home.
He’d known it for days, naturally. He was a reasonable man. This was not her home.
But the now-dead outlaw who’d dared enter his home had added clarity, and a sense of urgency. What if something of that nature happened again? He’d never forgive himself.
This was no place for her, no place for any woman. He certainly could not take her everywhere with him, and he would never feel safe leaving her alone again.
Just as he knew she would never feel safe being alone, no matter how she tried to tell him otherwise.
And she did, too. She told him she knew this sort of thing did not happen every day. “And next time, I’ll know what to do right away. I’ll even keep a wooden club at my side at all times.”
Fine, brave thing she was. She even tried to sound cheerful. As if knowing she’d killed a man did not shake her to her very marrow.
How he hated that dead man for making her feel this way. She of all people in the world deserved it the least.
After the worst of her shock had passed and she was behaving more like herself, he knew it was time. He finished exercising the horses for the day, the snow around the shack having melted, giving way to clear ground. It seemed they were in for a patch of mild weather, so there could not have been a better time.
They could either leave now, or they could wait for the next break in the weather. He couldn’t risk keeping her there much longer, as there was chance of another blizzard trapping them together for even longer than before.
When he looked at it this way, it seemed there was nothing to be done but to start out.
And instantly, the day seemed a bit darker.
His heart was heavy, as were his feet. He dragged them in the shack, barely smiling when Edward toddled over to him.
Holly clapped her hands, encouraging him. “Look, Uncle Roan. He’s gotten so much better at walking. Soon, we won’t be able to keep up with him.”
We. She spoke of them as if they were to stay together. As if this were anything more than a temporary arrangement. A slip of the tongue, he supposed.
He lifted Edward, smiling with pride. “Well done, young man. I will have you hiking the mountain in short order.”
“Now, now. Let’s not rush him to grow up too quickly.” Holly joined them, stroking Edward’s head before smiling up at him.
How he wished she wouldn’t. How he wished she would not make him long for something he had no right to long for.
Once again, she brought to mind the notion of living with a wife and child, and it was a notion which provided him a great deal of comfort and pleasure.
He didn’t want that, did not want to think favorably on such a notion. Any sort of attachment to her was dangerous. He had already gone too far.
A good thing, then, that he had decided already it was time to take her home.
“I believe we should be on our way in the morning,” he announced before he lost the courage to do so.
She stared at him, taken aback. Her eyelids fluttered, her mouth falling open. “What? Be on our way? On our way where?”
“Home. It seems the weather has broken for a spell, and it seems to me that this is as good a time as any. We really should be on our way if we are to get you home before another storm hits.” Rather than stare into her stunned, beautiful face, he bent to place Edward on the floor.
It was easier this way, easier if he did not have to look her in the eye.
Meanwhile, she stammered helplessly. “I… I had not expected it so soon. I mean, that is to s
ay, I knew it had to happen. I wanted it to happen. Simply did not expect you to announce it that way.” She began to pace, her steps sharp and short.
He knew not what to say. He feared that if he said too much, he’d only make a full of himself. It was best to keep his thoughts silent, then. No reason to leave her with a poor impression of him in their last days together.
He stood, offering a smile. “I hope this makes you happy,” he offered.
“Happy?” She burst into a gale of laughter, throwing herself at him. Her arms wrapped around his neck, squeezing hard as she hugged him.
This was entirely new. And not entirely unwelcome.
He patted her back, then, when she did not pull away, his arms closed around her. He had held her before, after all. After coming home to find the dead man on the floor, he had held her and Edward together. While he was hardly familiar with her, this was not the first time she’d been in his arms.
But it was the first time she had held him, too.
Her grip loosened, though she did not push herself away. Instead, her palms resting on his chest as she tipped her head back to look up into his eyes.
She did not look exactly happy, though she wasn’t unhappy. Troubled, perhaps. Thoughtful. Any number of words could have been used to describe her solemn expression.
He couldn’t help but look at her lips, slightly parted and glistening. She sighed, her breath soft, and her eyes began to close. Why?
He did not know until that very second that he’d already begun leaning down, down, the instinctive desire to touch his mouth to hers more powerful than his will. He needed this, pride be damned.
So, he kissed her. Gently, tentatively, always prepared for her to push him away and curse him, spit on him. He told himself it would not matter if she did, that it would not hurt him in the least.
Just the same, when she leaned against him rather than away from him, his heart swelled. Relief swept over him, leaving him dizzy. She wanted his kiss. She wanted him.
His arms tightened, drawing her closer, and her arms circled his neck again. What was happening to them? This blissful, breathless, dizzying sensation. He could hear nothing but the blood rushing in his ears as his heart pounded wildly.
Was this what he had been missing all along? The sense that everything was spinning out of control, and the only way to remain steady was to hold on to one particular person?
Even as he knew she was the reason everything was spinning, even as he knew he would not have changed it for anything.
And she was leaving him.
How could he allow himself to forget?
He broke the kiss, using more self-restraint than he could ever recall using in the past. One of them had to be smart, and it appeared as though that person had to be him.
She smiled, shy and flushed and drowsy-eyed. He didn’t dare believe there was hope in those enigmatic and confusing depths.
He stepped back, out of the warm, welcoming circle of her embrace. “I had best begin preparing provisions,” he decided. “We’ll leave first thing in the morning, before dawn. I suppose it would be best if Edward had clean diapers and if you made certain to pack enough food for him. It should be no more than two days. One to descend the mountain, as it will be slow going, the other to get to the ranch.”
She blinked, her brow creasing in a frown. This is not what she had expected after that kiss, it was clear.
But what else could there be? There had never been anything, would never be anything. Only a few tender words spoken in front of a fire. Nothing more.
And that was how it needed to be.
“Are you ready?” He found her standing in the center of the room, looking over everything in turn. She frowned, as if she had regrets.
How could she possibly? This was not her home. It was his. She had merely stayed there, and she’d been there far too long as it was. He needed to get her home, and soon.
Or else all would be lost. He would never be able to let her go.
She would never know the sacrifice it took to watch her bid silent farewell to his few meager possessions, to not draw her into his arms and profess his love then and there.
This was for the best. He’d repeated it again and again, like a chant. This was for the best for her.
She nodded, offering a shaky smile. “I’m as ready as I shall ever be, I suppose.” Was that regret in her voice? Probably put on for his benefit, that he would not believe her eager to be rid of him.
He helped her into the pack which Lenore had used to carry Edward during her journey, the buckskin straps snug against her shoulders. Edward was wearing his fur tunic, and Roan slipped him into the pack and made certain he was secure before reading the two of them outside.
The horses were packed, weighed down with goods and blankets and other necessities. How good it would be to travel light again. Without a woman taking his concentration.
No, it would be Edward he’d focus his attention on while riding back.
He’d been up throughout the night, a hundred questions racing around in his head at once, now that he knew it was nearly time for him to take full responsibility for his nephew.
Would he be good enough? Would he make the right choices? Would he always do what was best for the child? What would it be like, traveling so many miles of open land with a two-year-old on his back?
Then again, Lenore had managed it, and she’d been ill at the time. If she could do it, there was no reason he could not. He trusted that her spirit would watch over them both. She would never let any harm come to her boy, nor to her brother.
He needed to believe that.
Holly led the gelding as he led Merlyn away from the shack and down the slope which they had climbed together. Would he ever be able to climb this slope again without thinking of her?
Would he ever be able to do anything? Even the simple act of sitting before the fire would be enough to bring her to mind, he was sure. For he would miss her presence, the simple joy of having her at his side.
If only he could have seen that joy for what it was when he had the chance. They’d been together for more than a fortnight, and he’d squandered so much of that time. Telling himself all the while how she meant nothing to him, that this was a temporary situation and he’d better get used to being without her again.
When he might have spent that time enjoying her. Getting to know her better, creating memories to carry with him for the rest of his days.
For that was all he’d have. His memories. A stolen glance. A blush on her cheeks, a smile she tried to hide. The smell of her hair when he held her, the warmth of her body and strength of her embrace.
The firm plumpness of her lips, and how sweet they tasted.
Each step he took down that steep slope was one step further from the brief interlude they’d spent together. There would be no turning back. No reclaiming the moments they’d lost.
He knew it was for the best. She did not belong in his world, and he would certainly never make it in hers. Some things were simply not meant to be.
That much he knew.
17
Edward giggled and clapped his hands when Holly offered him a spoonful of fried corn mush. The child simply could not seem to get enough of it, no matter what she added.
This evening, it was mashed carrots and stewed squirrel. “You are a healthy, growing boy,” she observed with a smile. “I wish I could see you grow.”
It was safe to admit this to him, as her desire was completely natural, and he could not share her secret with anyone else. It was only between the two of them.
She’d come to think of him as her confessor of sorts, and she told him everything. She told him of the conflicting feelings she had for his uncle, and how much she wished it were not so.
For if there was ever an ill-fated match, it was theirs. He cared nothing for her. He cared nothing for any woman. As it was, he would be hard-pressed to adapt to life with his nephew, who would rely on him for everything.
Cert
ainly, he would not wish to add a woman to his overcrowded home, would he?
It was just as well. The mountain was no place for her. It was her fault for growing so close to him. For allowing her thoughts to take the turn they had.
For allowing him to kiss her, and especially for kissing him back so much vigor.
What a breathless, heady, tremendous moment that had been. She would never forget it, holding it in her heart for always. The one moment they had shared, the one moment that was truly theirs and no one else’s. Just the two of them.
The sweetest moment she’d ever known.
That was all life afforded her. Moments. Nothing more than that.
For how would she find anyone like Roan ever again? After knowing him, how could she ever find another man even vaguely interesting?
No man would ever be as brave as he, or as good or as decent or as wise. She’d never met a man so rugged on the outside, yet so tender when he dealt with the horses.
He cared for them then, grooming them after a long day’s descent. They were out of the mountains, at least, and the sun was already on its own descent. It had taken many hours in the snowy terrain, and with a baby on her back who’d been at the forefront of her thoughts with each step she took.
All she could think about throughout the first leg of their journey was how easy it had been for Roan to fall. How easy be for her to do the same, but it would not only be her life at risk. That had slowed her considerably, but Roan hadn’t seemed to mind. She supposed he understood without being told.
This spoke to his excellent instincts as the surrogate father he was about to become.
“I want you to listen to me,” she whispered to Edward between each spoonful of supper. “Be good to your uncle. Be gentle with him. Be patient. He won’t know what he’s doing, but no parent does at first, I suspect. I know he will do his best, for that is the sort of man he is. And he will love you, even if he does not always show it or say it. Everything he does will be for you, of that much I’m certain.”
An Inconvenient Bride Page 11