by Laura Lee
“I’m not lying to you.”
Oh, the irony.
The leather creaks when he pulls me down on the cushion next to his. “Something happened between when we woke up this morning and earlier in the parking garage. I’ve been racking my brain all day trying to figure out what I could’ve possibly done, but I’m coming up empty. You’ve gotta give me a clue here.”
“Drew, you didn’t do anything. I swear.”
“Then what the hell is going on?” He grabs my hand. “And don’t tell me nothing because I know it’s something.”
So much for the breakup sex idea.
I sigh. “Look, I’ve been thinking about this really hard. Hell, it’s pretty much all I think about.”
He searches my eyes. “Talk to me, honey.”
I close my lids and count to three before opening them again. “I can’t let this thing go on with you and my brother any longer. I’m taking myself out of the equation.”
He blinks rapidly and releases my hand. “I’m sorry, I must’ve misheard you. Could you repeat that?”
I scoot back a little, needing the physical distance to get through this. “I said I’m removing myself from the equation. You no longer have to make a choice between me and Brody because I’m making it for you.”
His eyes fill with fire as he bolts off the couch. “Are you fucking kidding me, Charlee?”
I stand as well, defenses instantly on alert. “What do you mean, am I kidding you?”
He paces back and forth, raking his hands through his thick sandy hair. “Are you quitting us? Is that what you’re fucking trying to do right now?”
“I’m not...quitting, per se. I’m just trying to make this easier for you.”
He looks incredulous. “And you think giving up on me is the best way to do that?”
I throw my hands up. “I’m not giving up on you! I’m doing this to help you!”
He scoffs. “That’s rich. Everything I put on the line to be with you—because I couldn’t imagine not being with you—was a wasted effort, since you clearly don’t feel the same way about me.”
“What?” I swipe angrily at the tears falling down my face. “Of course I do. I fucking love you, you dipshit!”
Drew shakes his head. “No. You don’t. Not if you’re doing this.”
“How can you not see the selflessness behind my actions?” I pace in a circle, barely able to see through the tears blurring my vision. “I’m sacrificing my happiness for yours!”
“Fuck!” Drew slams the heel of his hand into the wall, creating a huge dent. His nostrils flare as he takes several deep breaths. “This isn’t selflessness, Charlee. It’s cowardice. You’re too goddamn scared to ride out the storm.”
My eyes widen. “What? No!”
He shakes his head in disbelief. “Don’t you get it? There was never a choice, in my mind. It was always going to be you! I thought I made that pretty fucking obvious, but apparently not. I can’t stand the thought of not having Brody in my life but I’d never pick him over you. And he knows that, Charlee. He fucking knows that I’d wind up resenting him for giving me the ultimatum in the first place. He may be acting like an asshole right now but that’s not who he really is. I’ve gotta believe he’ll come around eventually. Clearly not today, and likely not tomorrow, but some day. You know just as well as I do what a stubborn shit he can be.”
“But what if you’re wrong, Drew? What if he never wants to talk to you again? I can’t be the reason that happens.”
Drew groans and looks to the ceiling. “Christ, you’re just as fucking pigheaded as he is.”
I cross my arms over my chest and sigh. “I’m not trying to be stubborn. I’m trying to do what’s right, even if you don’t see it that way right now.”
He braces his hands on my shoulders. “If you walk away from me, I won’t have either one of you in my life. Don’t do that to me, honey. The thought of being without you makes it hard to breathe. You’re my wife, for fuck’s sake!”
I swallow hard as I meet his watery eyes. “I won’t be your wife much longer.”
He takes several steps back, jaw clenching so hard I’m surprised it doesn’t crack. Drew stares me down for a good minute before speaking. “Please leave.”
“What?”
He walks to the front door and swings it open. “Please leave before I say something I’ll regret.”
I gesture between us. “Is that really how you want to end this conversation?”
He drops his forehead against the wood. “You’ve said more than enough, Charlee. Please...just go.” His words are so quiet I have to strain to hear them.
“Drew—” I reach for his arm but he pulls it away.
He shakes his head. “Goodbye, Charlee.”
My jaw drops. “That’s it?! That’s all you’re going to say? This could be the last time we ever see each other. I don’t want to leave things like this.”
He takes another step back, opening the door as wide as it will go. His eyes dart between me and the hallway, silently giving me my answer.
“Drew—”
This time he looks away entirely.
Well, look at that: I’ve been dismissed.
I hold my hand up. “Fine. I’m going. But for what it’s worth, I do love you. More than anything. I hope you can see that one day.” I kiss the tips of my fingers and briefly place them over his heart. “Goodbye, Drew.”
The floodgates burst as soon as the door closes behind me. I’m crying so hard it’d be impossible to drive, so I sit behind the wheel of my car for at least an hour before I can finally get myself together. Thankfully, the trip to my house is only five minutes in the wee hours of the morning. By the time a fresh wave of sadness hits, I’m in my bed, hoping I’ll cry myself to sleep so I don’t have to feel this gut-wrenching pain anymore.
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
CHARLEE
Are you sure you want to do this?
That annoying voice in my head hasn’t shut up since I left Drew’s house last night.
I flip the Express Mail envelope in my hand, for probably the hundredth time, making sure it’s sealed then I check the front again to ensure the postage stamp is still there. I don’t know why this is so fucking hard. I’m being stupid, right? I shouldn’t be this hesitant to send in the annulment papers when it’s the right thing to do.
But what if it’s not?
If I mail these, there’s no turning back. It’d be the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. With the way Drew and I left things, he’d definitely see this as a slap in the face. A final fuck you. But if I do nothing, we’re back to square one.
Damn it.
I take a deep breath and tell myself to just throw it in the mail. Once it goes down the hatch, it’s in the hands of the United States Postal Service. I stick the envelope into the slot but I can’t find the will to let go. Ugh, why does this feel so wrong? It’s not like I have a choice though, right?
Right?
“Excuse me,” a woman says. “Can I get in there, please?”
Shit! I didn’t realize anyone was behind me. In my surprise, I dropped the envelope.
On. The. Other. Side.
I bang my fist against the wall. “No-no-no-no-no!”
“Dear, are you okay?”
I turn around and find a little gray-haired lady with concern in her eyes. Probably because she’s wondering if I’m some sort of psycho.
“Oh, sure. Sorry.” I step aside so she can drop her own mail into the slot.
I stare at the wall dejectedly, cursing in every word I know in both English and Italian. I’m starting to get funny looks from the other patrons, so I decide to leave before I get arrested for behaving like a nutcase in a federal building. I drive on autopilot, with no true destination in mind, but I’m not all that surprised that I wound up in front of my brother’s house. I’ve got a lot of frustration brewing and I feel like taking it out on someone. Who better than the one person responsible for this whole mess?
My eyes fli
ck to the pale yellow Craftsman in front of me. Brody and Rainey recently gave up downtown living, selling their condos to join Devyn and Riley in textbook suburbia. Now, they live less than a mile away from each other on family-friendly Mercer Island. Brody’s house is only about eight miles from my place, but with Seattle traffic, it could easily take half an hour to drive here. That’s not very long, generally speaking, but it’s certainly not as convenient as being able to walk to and from each other’s houses.
Without another thought, I exit my vehicle and begin rapidly ringing the doorbell.
I can hear Brody from the inside. “Jesus, fuck! Hold your tits! I’m coming!”
I can tell he didn’t check the window in his haste to make the ringing stop because he’s shocked to see me.
“What are you doing here?”
I bump his shoulder as I invite myself in.
He closes the door. “Of course you can come in! No need to ask.”
I spin around and pin him with a murderous glare. “I don’t need your fucking sarcasm right now, Brody.”
“You’re in my house, Charlee. I can use all the fucking sarcasm I want.”
“Whatever,” I huff. “I’m not staying anyway. I just thought you should know that you won, in case you haven’t heard yet.”
He walks toward the back of the house so I have no choice but to follow if I want to continue my rant.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
We get to the kitchen where Rainey is making a sandwich. She looks just as surprised to see me as my brother did.
“Oh, hey, Charlee. Was that you ringing the bell?”
I take a deep breath, reminding myself that she’s not my target. “Uh...yeah, sorry about that.”
Rainey gazes between me and Brody. It’s pretty obvious she can sense the tension between us. Hell, people in Canada can probably sense it.
“You two look like you could use a minute alone.” She puts the sandwich fixings in the fridge and places a kiss on Brody’s cheek. “Be nice. I’ll be upstairs if you need me.”
I wait until she’s gone before resuming my attack.
Brody crosses his arms over his chest. “Well? Are you going to tell me what crawled up your ass? And why you look like shit?”
Because not sleeping and crying all damn night will do that to you, asswipe.
I flip him off. “Do you really need to ask?”
He reaches into an upper cabinet and pulls down a bottle of Macallan. He grabs a couple glasses and pours about two fingers into each. He takes a sip from one and offers the other to me.
I shake my head. “I told you I’m not staying.”
He rolls his eyes. “Take the fucking drink, Charlotte. You obviously need to get something off your chest. If you need a ride home, Rainey or I can take you.”
“Fine.” I grab the glass and down the amber liquid in one big gulp. Brody’s lips twitch when I set it on the counter. “I’ll take one more.”
He tips the bottle over, filling it a little more generously. “Let’s go out back.”
I take my scotch and follow him through the sliding glass doors onto a large patio. Brody nods, indicating that I should take a seat on one of the Adirondack chairs as he folds his body into the one across from it.
“Now, what were you saying about me winning something? I wasn’t aware that I was playing anything.”
“The fuck you’re not,” I sneer. “You’ve been jerking me and Drew around for almost a month.”
“Ah.” He nods his head, as if he’s suddenly the all-knowing.
“That’s all you have to say for yourself?”
He raises an eyebrow in reply.
I wave my hand through the air. “Drew and I are no longer together so you don’t need to worry about it. And I mailed the annulment papers so that’s been taken care of, too.”
He slams his glass down on the small table beside him. “What the fuck? He broke up with you?”
I flinch, taken aback by his tone. “No. I left him.”
Brody frowns. “Why? What the fuck did he do?”
“He didn’t do anything.” I stretch my leg to kick his foot. “You’re the one who issued an ultimatum, asshole. Drew refused to walk away from me and I refuse to be the reason you two are no longer friends, so I left him, no matter how much it killed me to do so.”
His elbows are resting on his knees and his eyes are downcast. “Goddammit, Charlotte.”
I throw my hand up. “What the hell, B? Isn’t that what you wanted?”
He rolls his lips. “No, it’s not what I fucking wanted.”
My jaw drops. “What the fuck? Then why would you tell him that he could have you or me in his life, but not both?”
“Because it was a test!”
I set my glass down so I’m not tempted to throw it at his face. “What the fuck do you mean it was a test?”
He scrubs a hand over his face. “He fucking lied to me, Charlee. He’s supposed to have my back, no matter what. Marrying you and hiding it from me is the opposite of that. He should’ve told me the minute it happened. Or after you sobered up, anyway.”
“Why would he? You told him to stay away from me at every possible opportunity.”
“Of course I did! How the hell was I supposed to know that my goddamn sister was going to be his motherfucking magic pussy? As far as I was concerned, he just wanted to fuck you and I was not okay with that.”
“So he was right?” I rub my temples, feeling a headache coming on.
His eyebrows scrunch together. “Who was right about what?”
“Jesus Christ, Brody! Drew said you’d come around; that you just needed time. That the ultimatum, or whatever you want to fucking call it, was basically your version of a hissy fit—my words, not his. Once you had time to cool down and saw how serious we were about each other—that we loved each other—you’d be okay with it.”
Am I imagining that look on his face? Is he actually feeling...contrite?
“Well, yeah...I guess that about sums it up. I needed to know for sure that his feelings were genuine. If he really was in love with you, I knew he wouldn’t give you up under any circumstances.”
“How long were you planning to let this go on, B?”
Brody shrugs. “I don’t know...probably not much longer after what I saw yesterday. He stuck to his guns and I respect the hell out of him for that, Charlotte. How was I supposed to know that your dumb ass would leave him? I sure as fuck didn’t see that one coming.”
I kick him on the shin. Hard. “You idiot!”
“Ow! What the fuck?” He rubs his leg.
I groan. “How am I going to fix this? He’s not going to forgive me.”
He takes a sip of his drink. “Sure he will. He’s a pretty forgiving guy. You’d have to be, to put up with me. Ask Rainey; she’ll back me up.”
I smirk, despite my best effort not to. “You’re such an ass.” My expression sobers as I sit up straight. “You weren’t there, B. You didn’t see the look on his face. He practically begged me not to leave and I did it anyway. Christ, I’m a bitch.”
He rubs the back of his neck. “Well, in my experience, there’s not much that anal can’t fix.”
I shove him. “Oh my God, you fucking perv. Leave it to you to throw butt stuff into this conversation.”
He laughs. “Takes one to know one, Charlotte. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t do the same.”
I nod in agreement. “Touché.”
Brody clears his throat. “Look, maybe you need a grand gesture or something. Like, you know how at the end of Grease, Sandy turns into a hot biker chick to show Danny she’s willing to go way out of her comfort zone for him? I’m not saying you need to break out in song, but you get the point.”
“Dude, you just lost a shit ton of man points with that reference.”
His shoulders lift. “Meh, call it taking one for the team. Rainey’s 80’s movie obsession is rubbing off on me.”
“I like your way of thinking
though. I just have to figure out what could work.”
Brody knocks my foot with his. “If you run into any trouble, let me know. I’ll talk to him.”
I shake my head. “I don’t think he’s exactly jumping at the chance to speak with you either.”
“Well, then it’s a good thing I know how to be a pain in the ass, right?”
Now it’s my turn to laugh. “You are pretty fucking good at that.”
He puffs his chest out and grins. “I’m the fucking best.”
CHAPTER FIFTY
DREW
“I can’t figure out what the fuck happened. We started the day perfectly happy but by the end of it, we split up.”
Devyn gives me a sad smile. “Drew, this whole situation sucks. But I do see where she’s coming from.”
“What the hell, Dev?”
I just recapped my last encounter with Charlee. I’ve been on duty for the last two days, and they’ve been a busy couple of days, so I haven’t had much time to process it. Now that I’m home, it’s all I can fucking think about. I debated drowning myself in whiskey but I called my sister instead, hoping to get some female perspective. Because my sister is fucking awesome, she dropped everything and showed up at my place thirty minutes later.
She holds her hand up. “I’m not saying she did the right thing, but I really do believe she thinks she did.”
I take a sip from my water bottle. “How can tapping out be the right answer?”
“It’s not. But she wouldn’t do this if she thought she had any other choice. Charlee’s not that type of girl.”
“Why can’t she just trust me? Ride it out with me?”
“She may not realize it, but she’s scared, Drew. She’s afraid you’ll wind up resenting her if Brody doesn’t come around. It’s a defense mechanism—she’s trying to soften the blow to her heart, thinking that it will hurt less now than after she’s had more time with you.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” I grumble.
She sighs. “It’s sort of the same reason I didn’t try harder to contact Riley when I found out that I was pregnant. I imagined the worse-case scenario—that he wouldn’t want to be involved in Nathan’s life. In retrospect, I know that would’ve never happened, but at the time, I couldn’t bear the thought of watching him walk away again. It hurt bad enough the first time. I didn’t think I would survive a second.”