by C. L. Donley
“I want us to show up together.”
“You really want us to do Thanksgiving? Together?”
“Of course,” Lindsey said, almost sounding insulted. “You’re my husband.”
“Does your family know what… my family knows?”
“More or less. They know about the baby. And a baby changes everything.”
“Indeed,” he sighed.
Lindsey placed a hand on his knee. It was an old habit of hers, not of affection but of conquest. Even before she left, he used to tease her about the way that getting what she wanted had a habit of making her affectionate.
He looked down at the hand, feeling a perverse glee.
She wasn’t going to have that self-satisfied feeling for long.
“Lindsey Hayes?” a nurse called from behind the glass.
The couple got up and was ushered to an exam room.
“Alright, Mrs. Hayes,” the nurse began after her vitals were done, “we’re just gonna take some blood, do a pap, and I’m gonna need a urine sample as well. There’s water in the bathroom if you need it.”
“What’s this?” she laughed, incredulous. “We already know that I’m pregnant. Look at me. We did all this.”
“Says here we’re doing urine and blood samples for you, Mrs. Hayes,” the nurse furrowed her brow uncomfortably.
“What are you doing?” Lindsey directed toward Kevin, who’d begun rolling up his sleeve.
“I ordered a paternity test,” he said.
“Is that really necessary, babe?” Lindsey asked in an overly soft voice.
“Well, since you’ve cheated on me multiple times, I’d say it is. Sugar plum,” Kevin countered.
The nurse kept her back turned and ran the water as though she didn’t hear. Lindsey looked at him long and hard, partially in disbelief and other parts murderous rage. Suddenly the nurse handed her a cup.
“No way am I going to be able to pee with all of you sitting outside the door.”
“Well you’re going to have to. Because we’re not leaving so you can figure out some way to botch this test,” Kevin firmly replied. The nurse excused herself politely.
“I don’t understand why you’re being so abusive to me right now,” she said in a polite whisper.
“Because I can’t give up my life on just your word anymore. It means less than nothing.”
“You sure this is your idea, babe?” she asked, implying some kind of hidden knowledge.
“Whose else’s would it be?”
Lindsey just shook her head in response as she laughed. She snatched the cup from the small sink on the counter.
“When this thing comes back positive, you’re going be in such shit with me. Like until this baby turns 18.”
“I’ll take that chance.”
Lindsey went to the bathroom and slammed the door.
Her reaction was somewhat surprising, but still par for the course for Lindsey.
He’d tested the limits of her humility, he admitted. But still. She wasn’t as contrite as she let on, it seemed.
What was that whole business about it being someone else’s idea? Who was she talking about?
His brother Scott?
Did she know about Kenya?
Would it have been that much of a stretch if she had? Their world was a grossly small one.
Oh well, he thought, as the nurse returned with a syringe and a tray of empty vials. If Lindsay had any intelligence about her at all, she’d be jealous.
* * *
“So guess who Cecil hit up out the blue on Webster the other night?”
“You?” Kenya asked, sitting at her mother’s dining room table.
“No.”
“Then I don’t care,” Kenya said to her younger entrepreneur sister.
“That Asian chick that used to hang out with y’all,” she said.
“Melanie’s friend?”
“Apparently she works at the Vet hospital he goes to.”
“Fascinating.”
“She said he might be moving to Texas, of all places.”
“I don’t know why y’all think I wanna hear about that man.”
“Wassup with those divorce papers?”
Kenya’s mother was busy at the kitchen sink, a sign the girls knew well enough meant she didn’t like what they were talking about. Kenya continued undeterred.
“Pretty sure he’s waiting on me to do all the legwork. And pay for it. Like I wanna spend my afternoon off at the courthouse.”
“So, everybody’s gonna be here in a few days. Kenya, you got the mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving?” Kenya’s mom interrupted, forcibly getting them off the subject.
“Sure, but I won’t be here ‘til late,” Kenya broke the news. “I’m covering for Gwen.”
She could feel her mother’s disappointment, but this year was gonna be a short visit. They all knew it, and they all knew why. They ought to be glad she was showing up.
“Don’t bother then. I don’t want no cold mashed potatoes.”
“Give me the greens then, I can put them in the slow cooker.”
“You are not doin’ my greens, lil’ girl,” her mother reprimanded. “You can do the yams.”
Kenya wrinkled her nose.
“Cook ‘em your way if you want. Only person that eats them is your little nieces.”
Suddenly Kenya’s phone was ringing. The strange phone number she refused to save.
Kevin. Instantly she felt both excited and fatigued. The whole situation was sapping the life from her.
She said nothing as she went to her mother’s guest room to take it. Her sister and mother gave each other a loaded glance.
“Hello?”
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” she replied. He didn’t sound like himself, not the way she had come to know him. So it must not be what she’d hoped it was. The silence lingered between them.
“I know you said you didn’t want to hear from me again.”
“Don’t worry about it. Most days I’m surprised you’re not on my doorstep.”
He chuckled, nodding. Another awkward pause.
“So, I took your advice. Thought you’d be pleased to know.”
“What advice was that?”
“I took a paternity test.”
“Good for you,” she offered, sickly. “What’s the verdict?”
“It’s mine.”
Kenya took a deep breath, a boulder on her soul.
“Congratulations.”
“I also wanted to apologize.”
“It’s okay. I’m sorry too,” she began.
“For what?”
“For dumping all that emotion on you. For making you feel bad for wanting to be with your own wife.”
All that emotion? He scoffed.
“You handled it extremely well.”
“I’m glad you think that,” Kenya sighed, somewhat relieved.
“I hate being the one to make you feel like that,” he groaned. “I don’t ever want to go through that again.”
Kenya tried to keep her bitterness to herself. She sewed her lips shut and he continued, oblivious.
“You know, Lindsey could make me feel like shit too, with her words. But I’ve never felt like such an asshole like I did with you. You have such an effect on me.”
Kenya felt seasick and angry, hearing him continue to mention the two of them, even though he’d promised her he wouldn’t. Supposedly he was being forced to, but he did it so easily.
“Kevin…”
“What?”
“What do you want?”
“What do you mean?” he asked, as though naive.
“I don’t know. What comes to mind when I ask that?”
“I don’t know what I want,” he divulged, a bit of his haunted mind on display. “I’m really just… fucked up.”
“You don’t have to do this,” Kenya dared to respond. She tried to sound unbiased. “Take me out of the equation. This is really the person you want to spend the re
st of your life with?”
“I don’t know.”
“Now you don’t know?” she accused, exasperated.
“Anyway, it’s not the point. I’m not raising my kid the way I was raised. They’re going to have both of us. Every day.”
“You’re just going to white knuckle it,” she confirmed, disbelieving.
“It wasn’t all bad.”
“It’s like we never had any of those conversations,” Kenya marveled.
“Yeah, but… I’ve made a lot of changes, and it seems like she has too. Marriages are more resilient than we think. We can’t just bail when it gets hard,” he suddenly said, as if accusing her of something.
Kenya bit her lip, hard. She’d never felt so alone. He’d left her alone.
She continued in a low voice.
“I hope it works out for you. Honestly, I do,” she said cordially.
“I know you do.”
The conversation was wrapping up. Kenya felt like she would rather die.
Fuck. Her heart. Damn him, she thought.
“Holiday plans?” Kenya regretfully heard herself asking.
“We agreed to try it as our first outing. Probably do both family’s. One in the morning, one at night.”
Blech, was Kenya’s only thought.
“Two dinners, huh?” Kenya kept the ball rolling.
“Yeah. Usually I’m up for it, but suddenly I feel like I could go without eating for the rest of my life. What about you?”
“Working.”
“Drew the short straw?”
“I volunteered. Gave Gwen the day off with her family. She has a new baby…” her voice trailed off.
Kevin’s heart was in a chokehold.
“I could come over, still. If you want,” he heard himself offering, “It’s not like we couldn’t still be friends, or… it’s not like we’re together together. She’s not living here.”
His words gave her the chills.
She wondered if Cecil had given Lindsey a similar speech. Perhaps while she was at work, or even just off in another room, like he had blatantly done that night.
Her heart pounded and she was sweating, her body tingling. Was she having a heart attack?
“If you still want to be friends, then you’ll never suggest something like that again.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“I don’t know what the FUCK YOU MEANT!! AS USUAL,” she ended with a yell.
They were quiet. Kenya was still holding the phone, though she didn’t know why.
All Kevin could think about was how hot and bothered she must be right now. If he was there right now, she would probably key his car again, maybe crash that slowcooker right over his head.
She had real feelings for him. Feelings he’d earned. It was selfish, but he still wanted them.
He was more upset over the reality that eventually Kenya would move on. And someone else would be holding her and having the chance to protect her and make her smile. He had trouble imagining someone else in that place, and it would probably kill him. His appetite pushed further out of his reach. He focused on the baby, the tiny thing that wasn’t there yet but was still keeping him from spiraling.
“You’re gonna forget about me one day, you know that? Someone else is going to see you and make you forget.”
“No way, I’m done. With all of that,” she insisted. She willed herself to stone.
“As convincing as that sounds, I know it isn’t true. It makes me sick to think about it, but I think about it anyway. All the time.”
She wanted to cuss him out. She wanted to make him feel like shit for promising her the world. She wanted to accuse him for being less than a man, just to wound him.
She knew it wasn’t true. She knew if it’d been her marriage, she would’ve barely been able to get Cecil to agree to child support, let alone to try to make it work for the sake of their child, broken upbringing be damned. Whatever “love” he would’ve had would’ve turned instantly to spite and revenge. She would’ve been nothing but a cheater, one that he was completely absolved of helping in any way. Kevin was a good man, trying to be a good father.
“I’m sorry I suggested that we do each other,” she said in a wobbly voice.
“I’m not. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be able to do this.”
Kenya let the tears fall.
“I never dreamed I’d grow up to inspire so many men to not be with me.”
“Kenya…”
“Sorry, sorry. I know what you meant,” she sniffed. “Thank you.”
“I seriously thank God every day that you keyed my car. You gave me an excuse to find you.”
Kenya took the phone away from her ear, covered her mouth with the back of her hand until her composure returned.
“I still owe you that money.”
“I should’ve never got it repaired. I miss it the way it was.”
“I can do it again, if you like,” she said. He chuckled and it gave her heart a flutter. She smiled.
“I guess… take care, then,” he said.
Don’t leave me. Not you too, she thought.
“Yeah you too,” she said instead.
Kenya hung up the phone. Her eyes darted around her mother’s guest room, relatively unchanged since she bought the condo five years ago. Her part of the settlement she won when her father tried to sue her mother. She was instead awarded money for damages, including ten years of back child support.
Kenya broke down and cried. She couldn’t stand to be there another second.
She composed herself, poorly, as she headed back down the hallway and quickly toward the front door.
“Kenya, you alright?”
“Fine. Put me down for the yams, mama, I gotta go.”
“I know that wasn’t Cecil callin’ your phone…” her sister inserted herself in the drama. Kenya didn’t answer as she walked calmly out the door.
* * *
Kevin stared at the back of Lindsey’s head while he fucked her from behind.
It was the night before Thanksgiving and she was staying overnight, just as she’d proposed. In the bonus room. The same one she’d been staying in when they broke up.
It was, however, the fifth time they’d had sex since her last doctor’s appointment.
For the last week and a half, Lindsey had begun sneaking in at night and seducing him.
She still had a key, after all. The first time she’d done it, he thought he was dreaming. It came as such a surprise. He felt her warm tongue on his dick and he woke with a start, his heart leaping out of his chest thinking he was back in Kenya’s bed, and that the last few weeks had all been a horrible dream. But instead it was Lindsey, doing things to him she’d never before had the desire to. The mental acrobatics it took to put out of his mind where her mouth had been for the last two months tested his virility.
She wasn’t worried about protection. Why would she be? Not like he’d had any kind of life once she was gone, right? Not like she herself couldn’t be riddled with disease. The condoms were at Kenya’s. Danger alarm bells were going off the whole time he fucked his own wife, which did not help the mood.
Much to his regret, their sex had grown dark just for him to stay hard. Even worse for him, she seemed to like it.
“You like being used, you fucking slut?”
“You’re gonna make me come,” Lindsey announced.
“Don’t you fuckin’ lie to me.”
The moment he was finished he rolled over soundlessly and pretended to be asleep. She, in turn, cleaned up, got dressed and left. Then he would sigh a long sigh and lie awake.
He didn’t want to talk to her. She was fucking him like mad for some reason. He’d heard pregnancy did such things to women. But who the hell knew, she never communicated anything to him.
Honestly, it pissed him off. She’d broken the one cardinal rule he laid out to her. She’d more than broken it, it was if she hadn’t heard, like it didn’t exist. She had so little respect for him,
for men in general, he suspected. Was he supposed to be groveling just because she shoved her snatch in his face every night?
He specifically said he needed time. She didn’t seem to mind not respecting his wishes, so he didn’t mind whether she got off or not. It made him wonder why she hadn’t just broken in the same way when she came to the house out of the blue that night. Made him wonder what else she might’ve been up to, if she’d been there while he was at work. Or at Kenya’s.
As he predicted, the change in him seemed to have triggered a change in her, but it wasn’t the change he’d anticipated. The whole thing was re-starting on the wrongest foot possible.
He could go without thinking about Kenya every day if he stayed focused on his hot mess life. Certain things triggered memories. Fond ones that sometimes stung him, sometimes lifted him. Wine. Autumn leaves. Knee pads. He’d gotten used to his renewed takeout and pizza diet, though he’d developed wicked heartburn. But every once in awhile he’d get a whiff of some spice, some warm hearthy aroma that smelled like love, and he’d remember that bittersweet place, when the comfort of Kenya’s smile could almost make the pain worth it. Some place right before he knew what he had. And what he had to give up.
The next morning he lay in bed having been kept awake for hours. He was tired. The thought of turkey disgusted him. They were headed to her parent’s country house, and then to his own an hour and a half in the opposite direction. But he could already feel his stamina for the day waning. Thankfully, Lindsey was still living by her own special clock. She knocked on his bedroom door at half past 11.
“Come in,” he said.
She was already dressed in jeans and a long elegant grey cable knit sweater. Her hair like shiny silk even in the cloudy morning. She came and sat at the foot of the bed, not facing him. She sighed.
“All set?”
“I need a shower and then we can go.”
“I’m feeling a lot of pain,” she volunteered.
Was that supposed to be a hint?
“We don’t have to go if you don’t want.”
“No. I do want.”
Kevin bristled. Lindsey using Kenya’s vocabulary was super strange. It irritated him.
“If it’s too bad, we should probably go to the doctor. I don’t think you should be having pain at this stage.”
An hour later, they were at Lindsey’s parents’ home on the lake.
Conspicuously no one mentioned their separation. But then again, no one really paid attention to Lindsey’s goings-on, particularly if they were embarrassing or contradicted the view they had of her. Save for her sister Henley. Who’d brought a new boyfriend to dinner. An African-American boyfriend.