Falcon’s death had hit us all hard. He was like a father to me, seeing as mine was a complete piece of shit who often forgot he had a son. Falcon’s youngest son, Wolf, and I were best friends all through childhood, and we even joined the Desert Sinners together. I remembered the pride Falcon showed that night. Not just for his son, but for me, as well.
As I did every time I walked into this room, I went to one of the pictures hanging on the wall. It was from the night Wolf and I were patched in. We were a couple of young dumbass kids, but the club saw something in us. I’m the man I am today because of this family.
Viking greeted Colt and Viper and then came over and slapped my shoulder. “So how did things go in L.A.?”
At six foot, I wasn’t short, but I still had to tilt my head back to look up at the man standing next to me. He had a good six inches on me. And while his blond hair and blue eyes gave him that nice guy look, he wasn’t someone you ever wanted to make an enemy of.
“Everything’s good. They’ve asked us to increase our shipment next month.”
Usually, Colt would have answered, since he was the vice president, but this was my contact, so he let me handle it.
The Desert Sinners had a hand in plenty of legit businesses to keep the cops and the Feds off our backs, but our illegal activities brought in the most money. Our largest source of income was from narcotic sales. Living just outside of Las Vegas, and having connections in Los Angeles, ensured we were never short on clients.
“Increasing the shipment shouldn’t be a problem. You’ll be taking the lead on that run.” Viking walked around his desk and sat down in the large oak chair with Norse carvings all over. Viking took a lot of pride in his Scandinavian culture as was evident in most of his office decor. “Go ahead and get out of here. I know you all have things you’d rather be doing right now instead of talking to me after a day on your bike.” He smirked at all three of us, knowing exactly what we would be doing as soon as we left.
The minute we walked out of the room, two girls latched onto Viper. “See you assholes later.” He chuckled as he guided them to the stairs leading up to the bedrooms.
I walked toward the bar, feeling half exhausted and half horny as hell. I hadn’t decided which need to satisfy tonight. I sat on one of the barstools and asked the prospect, who was bartending, for a beer. I took a sip from the bottle and scanned the room. That was when my eyes landed on Michelle, spinning on the pole we had installed in the corner. She was putting on a sexy as hell striptease for the group of guys surrounding her, but she kept glancing over at me. I slammed back my beer. It looked like horny was going to win out tonight.
3
Kate
It had been a week since I moved in with Jonathan and Louise, and I was feeling more unsettled than ever. I rolled over in bed and saw the big red numbers on the alarm clock letting me know I’d slept half of the morning away. The suitcase and boxes in the corner of the room were still waiting to be unpacked, but I didn’t see the point since this living situation was only temporary. The purple box I’d grabbed from my grandmother’s closet was sitting on top of the other boxes as I hadn’t gathered the courage to open it yet, either.
I’d been working extra shifts at the restaurant, trying to make up for the hours I’d missed during the prior months. I would come back here every night, barely able to keep my eyes open and too drained to deal with whatever emotions might come from seeing what Grandma had put aside for me.
“Hey, Katie.” I looked up and saw Jonathan standing in the doorway of the guestroom. He was always so chipper in the morning, and it drove me crazy. I’d never been a morning person.
“Hey.” The brightness in his eyes dimmed just a bit at my lackluster response to his greeting.
“Do you have any plans today? I have the day off and thought we could finally hang out.” He walked over and sat down on the edge of the mattress.
"I don’t know, Jonathan. I’ve been exhausted." I’d been blowing him off, and I felt terrible, but I didn’t have it in me to be sociable right now.
“We haven’t hung out in weeks,” he complained, his expression downcast and his shoulders slumping a little. “I miss my best friend.”
And just like that, I felt guilty for ignoring him. He’d been nothing but kind while I wallowed in self-pity.
I could admit that our friendship became a bit one-sided when Grandma had gotten sick. I put all my time and effort into taking care of her. Any extra time was spent working so I could continue to pay my bills. Seeing the disappointment on Jonathan’s face now made me realize things needed to change. I couldn’t take for granted the one remaining relationship I had left.
“You’re right. I’m sorry I’ve disappeared on you. How about we go out tonight around six for pizza? My treat,” I offered with a big smile.
“Sounds like a plan.” He leaned over and kissed my forehead. “What are you going to do until then?”
“I have a couple of errands to run, and I should probably unpack my clothes at least.”
“Okay,” he said, clearly elated at my offer to hang out tonight. “If you need anything, you know where to find me. I promised my mom I would take care of the yard work today.”
Ever since Jonathan’s father left, he’d done whatever he could to help his mom out. It was why he continued to live at home with her, and I admired his dedication and loyalty. But sometimes, it was hard being around them. I longed for that type of family connection, a parent who gave a damn about me and loved me unconditionally.
I took my time getting ready and went about running the few errands I had. After a quick trip to the grocery store to pick up a few personal items, and a stop at the cell phone store so I could pay my bill, I found myself back at Jonathan’s house.
“Hello?” Louise called out when I opened the front door.
“Hi, it’s just me,” I returned and made a detour into the kitchen where she was busy washing dishes.
I put my bags down on the dining table and walked over to her. I picked up a towel and started drying the plates in the rack.
“Jonathan told me you guys had plans tonight, so I’m guessing you won’t be here for dinner?” she asked excitedly, reading far too much into the situation.
Louise had probably been the most upset when Jonathan and I decided only to be friends. I hated disappointing her, but I couldn’t be with someone just because those around us thought we were meant to be together.
“Yeah, we’re going to go out and grab some pizza tonight. I’ve been a bad friend lately. Figured pizza might get me back in his good graces.” I emphasized the friend part, in an effort not to get her hopes up. I didn’t want her to think anything else was going on.
“It usually does the trick.” We both laughed at the fact that Jonathan was so easygoing that almost anything could be forgiven just by feeding him.
I put away the last dish and grabbed my bags so I could head up to my room.
“Thanks for the help, sweetie.”
“Any time,” I responded as I walked out of the kitchen.
I put away the toiletries I’d bought and then sat on my bed, staring at the boxes I’d stacked in the corner. I had another hour before Jonathan and I were leaving, so I figured now was as good a time as any to go through the box Grandma had left for me.
I walked over to the stack of boxes and grabbed the one on top. It wasn’t very heavy, but I could hear a few items rattling around inside. I sat back down on my bed and stared at it for a few minutes. Suddenly, my palms felt sweaty, and I could feel my heart nearly beating out of my chest. I wasn’t ready for this. I felt like as soon as I opened the box, it would be the final thing letting me know Grandma really was gone.
That sounded stupid because I’d been in bed with her when she took her final breath. I knew she wasn’t coming back, but it hadn’t hit me yet. I’d kept myself busy with funeral arrangements, and now work, so I wouldn’t sit around and think about never seeing her again.
I didn’t want
to acknowledge that I was really alone now. It was a depressing thought, and I didn’t want to get caught in that downward spiral.
I took a deep breath as I lifted off the top of the box. I could feel the stinging in my eyes the minute I looked at the photo sitting on top of everything else inside. It was a picture of my grandmother, Mom, and me. I couldn’t have been more than four years old. It looked like we were at a park, and the three of us were all smiling. I had no idea who had taken that picture. I couldn’t imagine it was my grandfather or uncle. They never spent time with us like that.
Seeing photos of my mom was always odd. I looked nothing like her. Where her hair was brown, mine was blonde. Her green eyes were dark and mysterious, while my eyes were bright blue. I knew I must have inherited those features from my father, but it felt strange to think I looked like someone I’d never met.
“Oh, crap,” I muttered to myself. Seeing that picture made me realize I’d left an entire box of photos hidden under my bed. I’d been in such a hurry to leave, I had completely forgotten about them. I used to look at pictures of my mother all the time when I was younger, until my grandfather caught me once and yelled at me for crying over a dead woman who hadn’t loved me enough to stick around. Those were his words, not mine, but they had a profound effect on me growing up.
I had to get those pictures back, but Stu had made it clear I wasn’t welcome there anymore. I would need to think of a way to get those back someday.
I put the photo aside and started looking through some of the other items. My grandmother had saved the baby book my mom had begun to fill out. I flipped through the pages, smiling at the random things she decided were important enough to commemorate in there.
Toward the bottom of the box, there was a large envelope labeled “For Kate,” in my grandmother’s cursive handwriting. Confused, I opened the flap and shook out what was inside.
It was a letter folded in half, three pages long. The paper was soft and faded, like it’d been handled many times before. By Grandma? That gave me pause, wondering if that had been the case, why she’d never said anything to me. I shook my head and unfolded the letter, which had handwriting I didn’t recognize but quickly realized had to be my mother’s.
The ink on the letter was slightly gray, and there were random smudges all over the first page.
Dear Katie Bug,
I can still remember feeling your little feet kicking, so antsy to be free and so full of life.
You’re a miracle. My little miracle, the one thing that truly made me happy to be alive. The only thing that ever mattered to me in this unhappy world of mine.
There were days when I was sad, and everything was overwhelming, but you somehow made all the bad thoughts and feelings disappear with just a smile. I wished for so much when you were born, for you to have all the things I never had…
Hot tears were streaming down my cheeks, but I didn’t attempt to wipe them away. When I’d opened the box, I hadn’t expected to find anything left of my mother, and my chest hurt with an old loss I’d never fully reconciled. Grandma never spoke about her after she’d killed herself, not even on her deathbed. I supposed the grief had always been too painful, even after all these years.
I took a deep, calming breath and continued onto the next page of the letter:
I am so sorry for leaving you. Being your mom was the only thing that ever brought me any joy. Please know that I love you with all of my heart, but I just couldn’t go on.
You have done nothing wrong, my perfect little girl. And I hope, someday, you’ll understand that this was my choice and my choice alone. There was nothing you or your grandma could have done—it was just my time.
My only regret is that I won’t see the beautiful woman you’ll become but I will watch from above in Heaven. I will always be with you in spirit, never doubt that...
Lastly, I wanted to apologize for never having told you about your father. I know you'll be curious about him as you grow up. I met him when I was young and stupid. Your grandparents thought it was best to keep your father’s identity a secret from you considering the kind of man he was and the people he associated with. It seemed sensible at the time, and I was scared, but now, I don’t know if that was the right thing to do.
Enclosed is your birth certificate. His name is listed as your father if you decide to search for him once you’re an adult. He didn’t abandon you—I never told him you existed. Last I knew, he was living just outside of Las Vegas. If you can find a motorcycle club called the Desert Sinners, you should be able to find him.
I wish you all the happiness in the world. You deserve nothing less than being happy and loved.
Love, Mom
My vision blurred, my tears creating dots all over the letter, which I now wondered if the smudges were created by the tears of my mother when she wrote this final letter. This letter was her suicide note—to me.
I held the letter against my chest, sobbing. My entire world was once again flipped upside down. Sniffing, I wiped at my eyes and re-read the letter at least a half dozen more times until I’d calmed down. I never thought anyone would give me any information about my father. So many questions swarmed my clogged and tired brain. Did I want to know anything about him? Or had so much time passed that it didn’t matter anymore? What if I did find him? Would he accept me or toss me away, as I’d always assumed he had? Fear and hope clouded every one of my thoughts. But to know I had family out there...the possibilities were overwhelming.
The third page was, indeed, my birth certificate. My hands were shaking, and my heartbeat sounded loud in my ears as my eyes scanned the whole document. There it was...all the information regarding my birth. I saw my name Kathryn Marie Nixon and my birthday of March 26th. A couple of lines further down, I saw what I had never known before, my father’s name. Samuel Andersen.
I waited to see if I felt any different, finally knowing his name after almost twenty-one years. But I didn’t. I was still me, except now I had this information that I had no clue what to do with.
There wasn’t much else in the box. Mostly birthday cards and a couple of trinkets from when I was a kid. At the very bottom was a small, heart-shaped locket attached to a chain. When I opened it, I saw a picture of my mom on one side and a picture of me on the other. I unclasped the necklace and put it on. It was simple yet beautiful.
I put everything except my birth certificate back into the box. I placed the document on my bedside table. I would decide later what to do with that information.
Mindlessly, I unpacked my suitcase and put away my clothes in the small dresser. A look at the clock told me I only had twenty minutes before Jonathan and I were supposed to go out. I took a quick shower, threw my hair up in a messy bun, put on minimal makeup—mostly to hide the redness from crying—then dressed in jeans and a sweater.
Right on time, I heard a knock on my door.
“Come in,” I said as I pulled on my brown boots.
Jonathan walked in. “You ready to go?” he asked.
I grabbed my purse. “Yep.”
The drive to the pizza parlor was quieter than usual, and I felt responsible for things becoming somewhat strained between the two of us. I vowed to make an effort to remedy that.
We walked into the restaurant, placed our order at the counter, and found a booth in the corner. We made small talk for a bit, which only made the evening feel that much more awkward. It didn’t help that I was distracted by my mom’s letter too. Jonathan must have noticed as well.
“Everything okay? You seem distant tonight.”
“Um...”
I didn’t know if I was ready to share what I had found out about my father with anyone yet, but this was Jonathan. He had been there for me during every hard time in my life. Maybe he could help me figure out what to do.
“You know that box I grabbed out of my grandmother’s closet?”
He nodded his head, so I continued.
“Well, I opened it today. There was information about my
father in there.”
Just then, the server brought the pizza to our table. We thanked him and then I turned back to Jonathan. He was staring at me with wide eyes.
“Well, what did it say?” he asked, our food momentarily forgotten.
I gave a brief explanation. “I have a name and a general idea of where he might be living,” I added, keeping the fact that he could be part of a motorcycle club to myself for now.
Jonathan could be pretty closed-minded about people, one of the things that drove me crazy, so I didn’t think he would be thrilled with that detail. Especially if I decide to meet my father.
“What are you going to do?” he finally asked. I scrutinized him carefully to see if I could figure out what he thought I should do, but his face gave nothing away.
“I’m not sure.” I shrugged, pretending like it wasn’t a big deal.
“He may not have abandoned you, but you’ve managed to get this far without him,” he said, somewhat dismissively, as he began diving into the pizza. “Maybe it would be best to leave well enough alone.”
I didn’t meet Jonathan’s eyes when they swept over me. “Maybe,” I murmured, wishing he’d said the exact opposite and knowing it wasn’t a matter of if I’d meet my father, but when.
4
Kate
A few days had passed since I found out about my father, and I wasn’t any closer to deciding what I wanted to do. Jonathan didn’t share any words of wisdom about the situation when we’d talked about it, but I did feel like we had made some progress in getting our friendship back on track. We had ended that night watching a movie in my room, where we both fell asleep about fifteen minutes into it.
Mac (Desert Sinners MC Book 1) Page 2