Charlie, Gabby and Nell sat leaning forward, peering at the ranks of sparkling soldiers all looking identical; most a sort of standard, medium size, a few short, a few tall. Charlie was looking through his binoculars.
‘Can’t make him out. Impossible,’ he said. ‘He could be anywhere.’
‘Josh told us last night he was carrying a sword, in the front somewhere,’ Nell said, clutching at her hat as a gust of wind tried to whisk it off her head.
‘But they are all wearing swords,’ Charlie said.
‘Maybe he carries one later on. I think he said he’s got to hand it to some VIP so it can be presented to the best cadet.’
No wonder Josh had been nervous for weeks. Gabby sent out little calming mantras his way. She was glad now she’d decided against a hat. She’d found a tiny dark blue veil attached to a thin band, no more than a large slide which she had pinned to her hair. After many forays down Oxford Street she had also found a beautifully cut white suit, reduced because it was a small size and had not sold. Gabby was feeling wonderfully sophisticated in it.
Nell looked stunning in lavender, and even Charlie had been persuaded into buying a new suit, not gracefully, but when he had arrived that morning he was very glad he had. People were smart, very smart.
A small fleet of staff cars swished up the beautiful avenue of trees, little flags flapping importantly on the bonnets. The Commandant of Sandhurst emerged with various VIPs who got out of the other cars. A discreet murmur of anticipation ran through the crowd. The parade was about to begin.
For a second there was an absolute, tense silence. The waiting soldiers stood rigid, appeared to be holding their breath. Suddenly a loud, barked order cracked out into the silence and was echoed through the parade ground.
The soldiers jumped to attention and the guest of honour marched out with the Commandant to inspect the cadets. He walked slowly up and down the rows, stopping every now and then to talk to one of them. It seemed to take quite a long time.
‘I wonder what he says to the cadets,’ Gabby whispered.
‘What’s a nice boy like you doing in a place like this?’ Nell whispered back.
Gabby giggled.
‘Ssh!’ Charlie said. ‘Behave yourselves! I wonder if some unfortunate cadet is ever picked out for having something wrong with his uniform.’
‘Too awful to contemplate,’ Nell said. ‘Oh how Elan would have loved this.’
‘He would,’ Gabby said. ‘Such bad luck having an American exhibition at the same time.’
‘Well, I expect he will enjoy the money,’ Charlie said dryly.
The Commandant and the VIP were being escorted back to their seats, and there were more barked orders flung out into the wind. The ranks presented arms and were still again like clockwork soldiers. The band flared up and the men turned as one and began marching and turning, marching and turning in perfect unison. In and out of each other in tricky little sequences like a dance. No one appeared to put a foot wrong. The sight was quite spectacular and Nell and Gabby felt choked with pride.
Charlie, too, felt pride, and something else; respect for Josh. As if he had for the first time recognized his son as an adult, quite independent of him and the farm. No longer a boy. Making his own choices, sure of what he wanted from his life.
Charlie could not imagine what that felt like, to have to make a choice, because his life had been mapped out for him. It had never occurred to him to question his destiny. Perhaps, because it was right for him, he had never considered anything else. But Charlie also knew that he had never had the intellectual curiosity to look beyond what was offered, as Josh had.
Watching his son in the serried blue ranks before him, executing complicated manoeuvres, Charlie was struck by the discipline needed to be that perfect. He had always loved his son, thanked God he had a boy, but suddenly he was able to view Josh’s life as separate from his own. Accept his decision.
Nell and Gabby were watching Chaos Corner nervously, worried for Josh, but they had no idea which group of cadets he was in so they watched them all bunch up together for a minute’s irregularity in the spaces between them, then they were quickly back in formation again. Unlike Josh’s stories, which he had relayed to them with relish, there was no catastrophe with rows of soldiers falling like dominoes.
Nell and Charlie were taking photographs and Gabby picked up the binoculars. She was suddenly sure that the cadet standing at the front of one squadron was Josh. She steadied them as the band finished and the soldiers halted and shuffled themselves into exact formation, equidistant to each other. It was Josh, she was sure of it. A soldier was marching up to him and giving him a sword lying across a military cushion.
‘Charlie, look, it’s Josh.’ She handed him the glasses. ‘Have a look.’
Charlie peered through them. ‘Yes, I think so, but I’m not absolutely sure.’ He handed them on to Nell.
The speeches began and prizes were handed out. Then came the sword of honour for the most outstanding cadet at Sandhurst. Josh marched forward on his own to hand the sword to the Duke, who then presented it to a cadet who had marched up to receive it.
Charlie said, picking up the binoculars again, ‘Poor little sods, both their faces are as white as sheets. I can see Josh clearly now he is nearer.’
Both Josh and the star cadet marched back to their ranks. Everybody clapped, the band started up again and the parade was over. The cadets marched away and up the steps of the college, and disappeared inside the large entrance doors followed by a beautiful white horse, which shimmied up the steps and through the door after them like a horse in a fairytale.
‘Phew!’ Charlie said, impressed. ‘That was quite something.’
‘Wonderful!’ Nell exclaimed. ‘I wouldn’t have missed it for the world, despite being totally baffled by why so many young men opt to be clones.’
‘Honestly, Nell, you get more left wing the older you get, I don’t know where it comes from,’ Charlie said.
‘From myself and from observing life cynically, which I am allowed to do at my age.’ She linked arms with him. ‘I’m teasing, I am inordinately proud of my grandson.’
They made their way slowly across the parade ground towards the college buildings. There was a little arrow on the map on their invitation cards where Josh would meet them for drinks. Nell and Gabby made for the ladies’, and when they emerged Josh had found Charlie.
‘Josh, that was spectacular and very impressive,’ Nell said.
Josh hugged her. ‘Nell, you look ravishing. And you, Gabby, I love your outfit.’ He kissed the top of her head.
‘It was wonderful,’ Gabby said. ‘We are all bursting with pride.’
A waiter appeared at their elbow with a tray of drinks and they stood looking around them. They were in a huge and beautiful room filled with the noise of hundreds of parents, grandparents and friends.
All very, very smart. A different world, Charlie thought, fingering his collar. He will grow away from us. We will not be sophisticated enough for him soon.
‘All right, Charlie?’
Charlie took another gin from a passing tray and handed it to Josh. He held his glass up. ‘To you, son! As Nell said, very impressive. Well done.’
Josh was touched. ‘Thanks, Charlie.’
They looked at each other for a moment, then Josh grinned. ‘I can’t believe it’s all over. I’ve passed out. Phew!’
He hugged Gabby suddenly. ‘I’ve got my blue beret! Now I’ve just got to pass the flying course.’
‘You’re brilliant and we’re not a bit biased,’ she said.
As they entered the huge dining room, Gabby and Charlie felt suddenly daunted by the size and splendour, by the gleaming glass, the silver, the formality and the flowers.
Nell paused. It reminded her suddenly of a small piece of her childhood in India. An immense table, each place decorated and laden with silver, bowls of frangipani petals filling the room with their pungent smell. Overhead, slow-moving fans lifting
the edges of the tablecloth and her hair as she stood holding the hand of her Ayah, pausing for a minute on her way to bed.
Josh sat between Charlie and Gabby. Nell was opposite and immediately into conversation with the man on her right. Gabby smiled at the man next to her. He smiled back nervously and leant towards her.
‘If I use the wrong fork, lass, nudge me.’
Gabby laughed and relaxed. ‘The same goes for me.’
There were natural gaps in the polite conversation and Gabby was glad for she wanted to watch and listen and store this day of Josh’s away, to take it out and examine it in the moments before she slept.
Josh would have girlfriends, he would marry; he would have a life she imagined but did not know and would never be familiar with. The closest person to him would be another woman. Their time together had gone and sadness rose suddenly in her like a lament for the child that had gone, for the simplicity of her life when he was small, the purity of pleasure in her child, the absoluteness of that love.
Even while she was living that time she could never take it for granted. She hugged herself close, neither looking forward nor back. Just living the days, drifting, allowing nothing to disturb the equilibrium of her time with her son.
Nothing must threaten the security of Josh’s childhood. He must never doubt his parents’ love. Unlike her, he must have a perfect childhood to look back on, to last him for the rest of his life.
She had never argued with Charlie as Nell had argued with Ted. The only time she would react was over something that affected Josh. She had been lucky, for Charlie had adored Josh from the moment of his birth so it had not been difficult.
Josh was saying something to her and she turned to him. He was working hard to put her and Charlie at ease, to ensure they were both happy and relaxed. How grown-up he was suddenly, how grown-up and excited about the life stretching before him.
‘There’s someone I want you to meet. She’s come down from Durham especially to watch me pass out, and for the ball tonight …’ His voice was anxious. ‘The Commandant of Sandhurst is her stepfather …’
‘This is the someone special?’
‘Yes.’
‘What are you two whispering about?’ Charlie asked, turning back to them.
People were beginning to rise from the table and leave and Josh got up, too. ‘We’ll go outside. I was just saying there is someone I’d like you to meet.’
They walked outside into the grounds. The wind had dropped and people were standing in little groups, or sitting on the grass. Some of Josh’s friends came over with their parents and Josh introduced them, but he was distracted and kept looking over his shoulder.
Suddenly Gabby saw a tall blonde girl making her way across the grass towards them. She was exceptionally beautiful. Charlie’s mouth fell open as Josh called out to her.
She was nervous, Gabby could see that, not overly confident in the way beautiful girls often were. Josh sprang towards her, his face lighting up.
‘Marika!’ He took her arm. ‘Come and meet my family. This is my grandmother, Nell, and these two are Gabby and Charlie, my parents.’
Marika, startled, started to laugh. ‘You call your family by their Christian names?’
Nell shook her hand. ‘It is lovely to meet you, Marika. He always has. He was born precocious.’
Marika held out her hand to Gabby with a quick assessing look. ‘I am so happy to meet you.’ Her accent was too English to be English. ‘You have all had a happy day, yes?’
‘Wonderful,’ Nell said.
Charlie was still speechless. He shook Marika’s hand without a word.
‘I think your fun is only just beginning,’ Nell said, indicating a fun fair that was being set up on the other side of the parade ground.
Josh laughed. ‘Nell, you are very welcome to stay.’
‘Don’t be so ridiculous! You would have a fit if I took you up on it. We’ll be on the sleeper home before your ball even gets going.’
Charlie was still frantically trying to think of something to say that would not sound like an old man in a raincoat. His brain was not helped by the wine at lunch.
They sat in the sun with cups of tea, feeling reluctant for the day to end. Josh could hardly take his eyes off Marika and she would turn from a conversation to touch his arm, leave her hand there. They were very conscious of each other but seemed comfortable, too, in the way some relationships were.
The way it is sometimes, Gabby thought, a form of shorthand, circumnavigating courtship. I know you; I have always known you.
Mark slid through Gabby’s mind although he had been kept at bay all day because he belonged to another life, to a different woman called Gabriella.
That was a lie. Her other life moved like a second skin under her old. It was there always, like a hidden breath, even on a family day such as this. Part of her, moving with her, like her shadow.
Gabby got up quickly and crossed the grass to the room this male institution had made into the ladies’. She stood looking at herself. Her short hair was still a shock she had not entirely got used to. She had always been so careful to guard Josh from hurt. She was not being careful now.
Marika came in and they eyed each other carefully through the mirror, both acknowledging they needed to like the other.
‘Hello.’
‘Hello.’ They smiled at their images through glass.
‘I need to pee. Will you wait?’ Marika asked suddenly and disappeared without waiting for a reply.
This girl could be the first to break Josh’s heart. Gabby pulled out a pale lipstick. Where are you, Mark, at the moment I colour my lips?
Marika came out and over the basin she stared at Gabby quite openly, then suddenly conscious of being rude, she said quickly, ‘Sorry! I had not expected you to be so young. It is a surprise.’
There was no answer to this and Gabby laughed and said, ‘What are you taking at Durham?’
‘History of Art. You are a picture restorer, aren’t you?’
‘I am. What do you hope to do with your degree?’
‘I’m not quite sure yet. I may do something quite different for a while. Whatever I do needs to be something I can practise anywhere. I am Croatian.’
‘You plan to go back?’ Gabby asked, surprised.
‘Not to live. But I want to go back to work for a while. My home does not exist any more. England is now my home. My mother and stepfather are here …’
She hesitated as if she wanted to say more, then smiled and held the door open for Gabby and they went back into the late afternoon.
Gabby asked her, ‘How long have you known Josh?’
Marika was gazing towards Josh who was standing laughing with Charlie.
‘Always,’ she said under her breath, then quickly, ‘A few weeks only. He has been down here and I have been in Durham. So … many e-mails and phone calls …’
She turned and faced Gabby. ‘Because of the life I have led, time is a thing I do not trust. It can whisk away all familiar things if you let it. Love must be seized and held tight in the time that you find it, and never taken for granted in case it disappears.’
She dropped her eyes. Gabby was an Englishwoman who could not possibly understand where she was coming from.
‘I am sorry. I must seem very … odd,’ she said quietly.
Gabby put out her hand. ‘No, not odd at all, Marika, just mature and very honest. Because of the life you’ve led, you’ve discovered what it takes most of us a lifetime to understand, and then usually too late …’ Gabby’s voice wobbled, ‘You are right. When you find something good … each moment should be treasured for what it is.’
The girl took Gabby’s hand for a moment, both somehow understanding the need they would have for each other, one day, in the future.
Josh drove them back to the hotel to collect their bags and then to the station for Paddington and the night train to Cornwall. He was off sailing with friends, then taking Marika to Goa. When he got back he wo
uld go straight off to Middle Wallop to learn to fly, but he would be home for Christmas. He kissed Gabby.
‘It was such a lovely day,’ she said. ‘I like Marika, she is special, so take care of her.’
Josh’s face lit up. ‘She is amazing, isn’t she?’
Josh and Charlie hugged awkwardly and then he enfolded Nell.
‘I’m so glad you came, Granny.’
Nell laughed. ‘I wouldn’t have missed it for the world, lovie. Take care of yourself.’
On the train, Nell and Charlie walked down to the buffet for a nightcap.
Nell asked, ‘Do you understand Josh’s decision any better after today?’
Charlie thought about it. ‘I respect it, I suppose. I can understand the allure and I got a glimpse of the sort of life he’s going to be leading. It doesn’t stop me wishing he would come in with me and farm …’ He sighed. ‘It just seems a pity, having had a son young … Josh and I could have had so many years doing things together …’
He trailed off and Nell said, ‘It is hard, Charlie, very hard. I think you have handled it very well, and today meant a lot to Josh, you realized that?’
Charlie grinned, ‘Yes, of course I did. What would you like to drink? I think I’ll have a whisky.’
In the night in her small bunk on the rolling train, Gabby went over the day. Underneath her in the bottom bunk, Charlie was snoring gently; he always did when he had been drinking.
Had they been close today? Gabby tried to remember if they had turned once, at any time, and touched one another in excitement or pride. Did they think to themselves, This is our son passing out over there, we conceived him and despite everything we are together after twenty-two years?
Gabby grieved for a moment in the dark for how it might have been between them. No noticeable difference to anyone else, but to share the intimacy of the moment with the father of your child. How wonderful that must feel. How wonderful. The difference, so slight, was not Charlie’s fault or hers. It was just how their lives were. Too late to question or change it now.
Another Life Page 21