Yield

  “Can you support yourself on what you make now?”

  “This month, I’ll make enough to pay rent. Tom buys groceries if I let him.”

  Sami’s jaw clenched and I braced for the inevitable tirade.

  “You said he wasn’t your boyfriend.”

  “He’s not.”

  “Tell me about this Tom.”

  “I was lonely and you weren’t returning any of my calls, so I went to a bar to pass the time and I met Tom.” I waited for the explosion, but it never materialized.

  Calmly, Sami asked, “Are you sleeping with him?”

  “Sort of….”

  He leaned forward, and this time, there was heat behind the question. “What the fuck do you mean?”

  “It’s whatever, Sami. I don’t want to sit here and hate on Tom,” I began. “He’s a good guy and I owe him a lot. Whatever feelings I have for him are mixed in with a heavy dose of gratitude. The sex is mediocre at best, but sometimes, you just need a shoulder to lean on, and he’s been there—”

  “When I was AWOL,” Sami finished.

  “Yes.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t call or text, but I was under the impression you were doing okay.”

  My eyes burned, but I wasn’t going to resort to tears. If he wanted me in his life, he had to come right out and say it.

  “I should have planned my departure more carefully,” I continued in an even voice. “There’s a network for people like me, priests and nuns who need help transitioning. I didn’t discover them soon enough. I found a flyer pinned to a bulletin board at USF. Maybe if I had my laptop, I would have done better, but it wasn’t mine to take.”

  “Are you going to call them and ask for help?”

  “Yes.”

  “How can I pitch in?”

  “Are you interested in something more permanent?”

  Sami looked away.

  “Tell me.”

  “I don’t want to break up your new relationship.”

  “Sami, I’ve already told you it’s a friendship, not a relationship. You’re the one I love.”

  He gave me a sidelong glance. “How can you possibly love me after the way I’ve treated you?”

  “You were simply reacting to my lies. If anyone is to blame, it’s me.”

  He shook his head. “I should have been more understanding.”

  “And I could have told you the truth from the beginning.”

  “We’re both fucked up,” Sami concluded.

  “I guess we are.”

  “I’m learning a lot about myself from my new shrink,” Sami admitted. “You’d benefit from some good therapy.”

  “I can’t afford it at the moment.”

  “Will you let me shoulder the cost?”

  “You’d subsidize me?”

  He nodded.

  “Why?”

  Sami took a deep breath before the admission. “I care for you, Jay. We have a shot at this BDSM thing if we can get it together. I love the way you make me feel, and I know you get off on my kind of loving.”

  I was dumbfounded. This was so out of character I had to wonder if I’d been wrong about Sami all along. He wanted a relationship, albeit a kinky one, and I embraced the idea with all my heart. I wasn’t about to push away Sami’s offer because of Tom. Obligation was one thing, and I knew I was in Tom’s debt, but Sami was offering me a future in his roundabout way. He loved me even if he couldn’t come out and say it.

  “Thank you, Sami. I’d like to accept your offer.”

  “There is one condition,” he clarified.

  “What?”

  “Stop seeing Tom and move in with me.”

  This time my mouth dropped open.

  “Don’t look so shocked.”

  “Are you serious?”

  He frowned, and the reasonable man I’d been dealing with for the last five minutes quickly morphed into the badass I knew and loved. “I don’t want you taking handouts from other people, and I sure as fuck don’t want you sleeping with anyone else.”

  “But….”

  He leaned forward and gripped both my arms so tightly they’d be bruised by tomorrow, but what did it matter? His possessiveness was making me hard again.

  “You belong with me.”

  I might have whimpered upon hearing his declaration, but, God, it was a heady feeling and I’d waited so long. “Won’t I get in your way?”

  “I’m not asking you to marry me, Jay, but I want to help you find a better job and see a shrink to iron out some of your old problems. You can’t fix anything while trying to make ends meet. We’ll set clear boundaries when you move in so there’s no misunderstanding. At the club, they talked about some kind of contract between a Dom and sub. We should look into it.”

  “Are you ever going to take me to Heaven’s Gate?”

  He nodded. “We’ll start going as a unit.”

  “I have no problem staying at my apartment so long as we see each other regularly.”

  “I know it’s a big step, but I want you close,” Sami insisted. “If I have to worry about you giving up a meal to pay a fucking bill, I’ll lose my concentration. I’ve started writing a book, and I can’t afford distractions. I don’t like the idea of you being vulnerable when I’m too far away to do anything about it.”

  “Whoa, hold on a minute. What book?”

  “A fictionalized version of my time in the army.”

  “I didn’t know you could write?”

  “There’s a lot you don’t know.”

  “More reason to move in together.”

  “Told you.”

  The doorbell rang, and he went to get our pizzas. It would take the weekend to convince me this was a good idea. My intellect was battling with my emotions, and I didn’t want to make another mistake. We’d screwed up so many times in the past. He seemed to have had an epiphany during our separation, but how long would it last? I didn’t know what it was like to live with someone I loved 24/7. And I hadn’t worked through all my issues yet. I wondered if the same shrink would be seeing both of us. Somehow, I didn’t think it would be a good idea.

  He said there was no marriage involved, but to my mind, it was the same thing. If things went south, our relationship would be destroyed. As much as I yearned to live with Sami, I wanted this to last.

  I thought of Tom and was filled with regret. If I had only known Sami would reach out for me eventually, I never would have dated him. Then again, I’d be sleeping in a cardboard box under some freeway if that were the case. Fuck, I needed to eat and rest. My brain couldn’t cope with one more thing tonight.

  Chapter 29

  By Sunday afternoon, I was physically and mentally sated. Euphoric over our reunion, I soaked up the attention, realizing Sami’s growth went far beyond his new haircut. However, I was still uneasy about his proposal to move in together. I listened to his meticulous and thoughtful plans for the move—where I could put my things, how much time we’d spend together on any given day, who would cook, and which one of us would shop. He even mentioned a sum of money he’d deposit in my account to help me pay off any bills I’d accumulated since I’d left the order. It sounded like the perfect solution for both of us until I decided it wasn’t.

  My entire life had been orchestrated by one catastrophic event after another. My mother’s unwanted pregnancy and my subsequent abandonment, denying my orientation to keep the status quo, becoming a priest so it would give me purpose, falling into a sick pattern of self-harm whenever I stepped off my spiritual path. Dealing with an overactive conscience which couldn’t distinguish truth from lies, and now this situation with Tom. It was one more dilemma I’d foisted on myself instead of tackling my burdens on my own.

  “Sami?”

  He was reading a book on how to write a novel, and I’d been staring at the TV without absorbing anything. It was a domestic scene we’d never shared before, and I was about to throw it away.

  “Yeah?”

  “I can’t move in with you.” />
  He took his eyes off the book for a second and frowned at me. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  Being dismissed so easily was prophetic, and I was determined to have my say. “I’m serious.”

  He sighed, closed the book, and gave me his full attention. “Why not?”

  “You’ve repeated the phrase thank you for trusting me all weekend. Now it’s time you return the favor.”

  “If I didn’t trust you, I wouldn’t ask you to move in and share my space.”

  “You want me to move in because you feel I can’t make it on my own. Let me prove I can do it.”

  “There’s no need.”

  “I don’t want this discussion to turn into an argument.”

  “Then stop being a twat.”

  Something flared in the pit of my stomach and I realized I was still resentful. Sami had knowingly shoved me out of his life, and he didn’t get to decide when or how I would return. My future was in my hands, and he’d have to wait until I was good and ready to hand over control.

  “Don’t mistake my opinion for a temper tantrum.”

  Finding the strength to stand up to Sami was difficult, but I knew we’d never have a chance at an honest relationship until he viewed me as an equal.

  “I thought you wanted to be my submissive?”

  “There’s a difference between submissive and doormat that goes far beyond spelling. I’ve watched Rino stand up to Ethan on multiple occasions, and their D/s dynamic is never in question. You have to trust and respect me before I can agree to be your boy. I’m not going from one ruling body to another if it’s so lopsided.”

  “What about money?”

  “I’ll accept your offer to pay for the psychiatrist. I’m no good to you or anyone else if I don’t iron out my issues, so let’s treat this like an investment in our future. It would be an honor if I could call you boyfriend for the time being. As such, you can expect me to be absolutely faithful. I was planning to give Tom the bad news regardless of the outcome of this weekend. He deserves someone who loves him, and I clearly don’t. You and I will date like any normal couple. I can sleep over whenever it’s convenient for both of us. Ask me how I’m doing financially from time to time. I’ll swallow my pride if I need groceries. Just don’t assume anything. I’m so fucking tired of other people running my life.”

  Sami’s facial expressions had run the gamut from stony to chagrined, and I braced for the outburst, but it never came. Instead, he gave me high praise. “This is the most honest and intelligent thing I’ve heard you say since we first met.”

  I blinked several times, trying to determine if he was being sarcastic or not, but there was no rancor in his tone. In fact, his entire demeanor had shifted, and I might have been reading more into this but his eyes shone with appreciation for my newly found backbone.

  “Thank you,” I replied in a gush of relief.

  “Come here,” he said softly.

  I rushed over to his side and melted into his embrace, savoring the victory and his gentle aftercare. He kissed me on the forehead, eyelids, and mouth, and I was stunned when he followed it up with a barely audible “love you.”

  There was nothing kinky about our lovemaking this time. It was pure emotion from start to finish, and I was grateful I’d randomly found this man out of the hundreds sitting in a crowded airport. Yes, we’d made mistakes, and I’d lost him through no one’s fault but my own, but I’d also reclaimed him, thanks to my own efforts.

  Afterward, as he was driving me home, Sami asked if he could put money in my bank account. “To give you a head start. You don’t have to accept, but it would make me happy if you take what I’m offering.”

  I nodded. “Thank you.”

  “Text your banking info and I’ll transfer the funds tomorrow.”

  “Okay.”

  We were at the curb in front of the apartment and he leaned over to kiss me. After he released me, he asked, “When can I see you again?”

  “How does Tuesday sound?”

  “Shall I pick you up?”

  “No need,” I replied. “I’ll be at your place by six in the evening.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” he said.

  Before exiting the car, he pulled a canvas bag from behind the passenger seat. He must have put it there sometime before we left the apartment, but I hadn’t noticed.

  “Take this,” he said, handing it over.

  I knew what it was by the heft and size, but I asked anyway. “What is it?”

  “My old laptop. I had to buy a new one to accommodate a bunch of writing software, and this was sitting in my closet gathering dust. I’d like you to have it.”

  “I can really use this,” I exclaimed. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  We kissed one last time, and I headed inside my building. Tom was sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of my apartment. He looked defeated, and I surmised he’d either seen me in the car with Sami or figured out I’d lied about my weekend.

  “Who were you kissing?”

  His eyes were bright with emotion and I felt sick to my stomach. “We need to talk.”

  “Now?” he asked.

  I nodded. Inside the apartment, I put my things in the bedroom and joined him in the living room, where he slouched on the sofa.

  “Do you want a drink?”

  “No thanks,” he said, eyes downcast.

  “I need one.”

  With a Bud in hand, I sat down beside Tom and drained the can before turning in his direction to ask, “Do you remember when we talked about someone else in my life?”

  “You gave me some vague answer.”

  “Because the status of our relationship was unclear.”

  “And now?”

  I reached for his bicep and held him gently. “First off, I’m sorry I lied about the weekend. I didn’t know how to tell you I was going to meet Sami without hurting you. I wasn’t sure how it would play out so I took the easy way out.”

  “What did you guys decide?”

  “We’re going to try to make a go of things.”

  “I knew we wouldn’t last,” Tom said despondently. “This is a scene I’ve played out too often in the past. Attracting a guy is easy, but keeping him interested…not so much. Sex always gets in the way.”

  “To be fair, Tom. I’ve been in love with Sami for months. With him back in the picture, you never stood a chance.”

  “You should have said something.”

  “I know, but Sami and I had a contentious relationship, and we parted on shaky terms. I presumed it was over when he stopped communicating altogether. After everything I’ve been through, meeting you felt like a wonderful bonus. I honestly enjoy your company and consider you a friend. I’m sorry I can’t give you more.”

  “Story of my life….”

  “We can change the narrative,” I offered. “Somewhere in this crazy city is the perfect guy for you.”

  “So he’ll walk away when I tell him I need a pill to get it up?”

  “About that.” I hesitated, but this was a night for honesty so I forged ahead. “Ethan’s specialty is urology. A dick doc should be able to come up with some good suggestions. When was the last time you tried changing medications? Advances are being made all the time, and there’s no harm in consulting someone new. I’ll even come with you if you need moral support.”

  “You would?”

  I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “You’ve been a good friend to me, Tom. I’m not walking away from you because Sami is back in my life. I just can’t sleep with you anymore.”

  “No more movie or dinner dates either?”

  “Only if I can bring Sami.”

  “What’s he like?”

  How on earth could I describe Sami in a few sentences?

  “Physically, Sami looks like an older Wentworth Miller, but he’s growing out the buzz cut, so the similarity is starting to fade. Still sexy as fuck,” I added dreamily. “He was an officer in the army and serv
ed in Afghanistan. He’s also opinionated as hell and rarely politically correct, although he’s on a mission to shed most of his bad habits. I saw a kinder man over the weekend, but don’t be fooled. He’s fiercely possessive and made his position about our dating—you and me—perfectly clear. Friends only and no touchy-feely anything.”

  Tom snorted. “He sounds terrifying.”

  “He’s not easy, but I love him nonetheless.”

  “Can’t argue with that,” Tom said in a resigned voice. “I’d like to meet him some day, but not while this is fresh for both of us. I’m liable to say something inappropriate and end up with a black eye.”

  “Are you open to consulting with Ethan?”

  Tom looked bemused. “I’ve got nothing to lose.”

  “I’ll set it up.”

  At the front door, I embraced Tom for a few seconds. I felt his pain acutely, not for being dumped, per se, but for going through this scenario time and again. It was wrong to base feelings of worth on another individual. I knew through my own trials how fruitless it could be, and would only lead to depression or worse. I remembered how much I longed for a hug or a friendly pat on the back when I was at my lowest. I had to make sure Tom felt valued. By the time he waved goodbye, I could tell his mood had lifted slightly.

  I sent Sami a text, letting him know I’d ended it with Tom. I made sure to mention we were going to remain friends. His reply came within seconds.

  No prob.

  Relieved, I texted my thanks, with a couple of heart emojis to show him how much I appreciated his generosity.

  Before I fell asleep, I thought about counseling as a possible career choice. I’d done it enough as a priest to all manner of parishioners. I didn’t care if they were young or old, men or women, gay or straight, sinners or saints. My interests lay in lending a helping hand. Let God be the final judge, but right here on earth, I wanted to make life a little easier for anyone who crossed my path.

  Chapter 30

  Ten months later…

  I stood underneath the arched trellis resplendent with California wildflowers in shades of pink, yellow, blue, and white. They’d been painstakingly arranged by Roque’s landscaping firm, as were the clay pots lining the brick walkway, brimming with seasonal flora and fronds of greens. The overall effect was dazzlingly romantic. I was officiating at Ro and Lance’s wedding ceremony with the new ministry degree I’d recently acquired online from the Universal Life Church. It felt redundant applying for a license after the many ceremonies I’d performed as an ordained priest, but it was necessary if the marriage was to be legally binding.