Woof Woof Story: I Told You to Turn Me Into a Pampered Pooch, Not Fenrir!, Vol. 1

by Inumajin

  No, wait—this isn’t the time to be praising her.

  She’s serious. Dead serious.

  This lady’s really out for blood!

  “Before you do any harm, I, Zenobia Lionheart, shall cut you down!”

  Following this declaration, she raises her sword high above her head.

  “Arf?! (Wha—?! No way?!)”

  Seriously?! Can’t we settle this some other way?!

  I thought there’d be a bit more buildup! This is all happening so fast, I didn’t have time to get ready!

  W-wait! Hold on! I’m gonna die! I’m really gonna die!

  I don’t even have time to think about dodging it.

  With terrifying speed, the sword slashes down.

  The blade strikes my head cleanly, and the force behind the attack instantly splits it in half.

  …The sword, that is.

  It lets out a metallic screech, and the broken end tumbles through the air.

  “…Arw? (…Huh?)”

  “Th-th-that’s impossible…”

  Zenobia stands before me, flustered.

  I survey my body while trying to make sense of what just happened. Surprisingly, there isn’t a single drop of blood.

  Amazing! I’m unharmed! I’m alive! Thank God!

  Actually, if I hadn’t been reincarnated as a wolf in the first place, this would have never happened. I’m not thankful at all!

  “I-it can’t be… My sword… A sword forged by the craftsman Rouen…,” she mumbles as she falls to her knees.

  She remains crumpled there as she stares dumbfounded at the broken sword.

  …Ohhh. I see.

  Dear, sweet Zenobia, it seems you’ve been swindled. That sword is a fake.

  You poor thing.

  It’s clearly just some crummy old sword that someone sold to you for a fortune under the pretense that it was a rare artifact.

  “That…can’t be… I spent so much money on it…”

  Called it. That was painfully predictable.

  Zenobia looks so sad that I can’t help but call out to her.

  “Arww… (Um…)”

  “You…!”

  Eek! She’s glaring at me.

  Ah. Upon closer inspection, her eyes are welling up with tears.

  She’s gonna cry.

  The knight’s sword broke, and now she’s about to cry.

  “Y-you! You’re no ordinary wolf!”

  “Woof, woof. (Nope. I’m an ordinary dog.)”

  “Shut up! It’s useless to keep pretending you’re a dog! …I will not let this farce continue! You’d best prepare yourself for next time!”

  She delivers a parting shot and runs away.

  She’s so unreasonable.

  First, she attacks me; then, she starts sobbing and insulting me.

  But I guess getting to see Zenobia flustered was a reward in its own right. I’m definitely grateful for that.

  Maybe I’ll try to cheer her up with some face licks.

  “What’s that? Zenobia isn’t here today?”

  The maid nods in reply to Lady Mary.

  “Yes. She told me she was going to the city to purchase a new sword. It appears she won’t return to the mansion for a while.”

  “Really? I was hoping I could go to the lake with Routa again today…”

  Lady Mary, who was excited to go out and play now that her afternoon classes had finished, droops her shoulders dejectedly.

  Oh, right. Her sword broke the other day. Is an unarmed knight even a knight? It sounds like Zenobia’s gone on a journey to retrieve her identity. You could say that I was the one responsible for shattering that identity in the first place.

  But I still don’t think I did anything wrong! If the sword hadn’t broken, I’d be dead. If anything, Zenobia got what she deserved. Serves her right.

  I hope she spends a ton of money on another fake sword. That way, it’ll break if she attacks me again.

  I give a nefarious chuckle, and Lady Mary turns to me to continue the conversation.

  “Looks like we’ll have to go to the lake ourselves. Can we?”

  “I’m afraid not. Everyone who could possibly escort us has the day off. And the master ordered that you be accompanied by a guard should you go anywhere.”

  Lady Mary has been taking regular trips to the lake for her afternoon playtime, while also bringing sandwiches for picnics. They’re a mixture of carrot and pumpkin between colorful slices of various types of bread, along with herb-roasted chicken and smoked salmon. I would love to have that again.

  Oh, right. We can’t have that now. That’s a shame.

  “Which means you will have to spend your afternoon at the mansion today.”

  “…Okay.”

  The young lady nods obediently and heads back to her room.

  I huff and follow after.

  “Woof, woof! (Lady Mary! Aren’t you tired from your studies? I really recommend a good nap! Naps are the best! Let’s treat ourselves to doing absolutely nothing together! You can bury yourself in my fluff!)”

  I wag my tail and hop around excitedly like a good, faithful dog.

  “Routa, please be quiet.”

  “Arf? (What?)”

  My lady flat out refuses my suggestions and opens the window. She sticks her head out and looks around. The mansion is big, but there aren’t many people who work here. I can’t sense anyone, and the gardener doesn’t seem to be here, either.

  “No one’s around. Now’s our chance…”

  “Arww? (What are you doing, my lady?)”

  I stare blankly at her as she puts on a wide-brimmed hat with a flower and casually steps up onto the windowsill.

  “A-arwf?! (M-my lady?! Isn’t that a little improper?!)”

  “Shh! Quiet. We’re only going out for a little bit, just the two of us. It’ll be fine. If we don’t stay too long and make it back before lunch, we’ll be okay.”

  Hmm. It’s at least an hour’s walk one way. That would take up way too much time. Plus, it’s hot. We should just laze around the house.

  “Come on. Let’s go, Routa.”

  Her mind is made up. She won’t listen to anyone when she gets like this.

  That tomboy side of hers is peeking out again.

  If I howled right now, the maid would come and put a stop to her plans, but then Lady Mary would be upset, and I don’t want her to hate me. She studies hard every day; the stress must really build up. A picnic by the lake sounds fun, too.

  I guess I don’t have a choice. I’ll go with her.

  In all honesty, my lady is so headstrong that it was bound to end up this way.

  “Woof, woof! (W-we’ll go for a bit, then come right back! Missing a meal is unforgivable!)”

  “Hee-hee-hee, okay. That’s why I love you, Routa.”

  “Arwf… (Great. So now you understand me…)”

  She holds down her skirt and hat and jumps out the window.

  We’re only on the first floor, so she’s in no danger.

  I follow her out the window.

  “All right, let’s go, Routa. Quietly, now.”

  “Woof! (Okay, my lady. I’m great at sneaking.)”

  When I sneak into the kitchen at night to steal snacks, that is.

  A (self-proclaimed) dog and girl walk along the town road between the trees.

  “Phew. This is taking forever.”

  Lady Mary lets out a sigh.

  Neither of us normally go on long walks. I may be lazy, but I’m still a dog—well, wolf—so I’m not tired at all.

  “Let’s rest in the shade of that tree.”

  “Woof! (Sounds good! I love resting! Actually, why don’t we just give up here and head back?)”

  “We’re not going back.”

  “Arww…? (Really…?)”

  I lie down, and mistress uses my back as a headrest, sighing. The maid normally brings her tea, but her only company at the moment is a big, useless dog. The least I can do is be her pillow. Rest well, my lady.
/>   It’s really hot out today, so the occasional cool breeze feels nice.

  We rest in the shade of the tree for a while when mistress unexpectedly leans into me. I can hear her calm, even breaths.

  “Arrf? (Uh-oh… Did you fall asleep?)”

  She must be burned-out. She studies every day from morning to night.

  “Arwf… (Hmm, nothing else to do. Guess I’ll sleep, too…)”

  Oh, no, I can’t do that.

  We need to get back before lunch, or they’ll find out we left.

  I can’t bear to hear my lady get scolded.

  I go to wake her up by poking her cheek with my nose when I notice a strange scent. It’s not Lady Mary, of course. She only ever smells like flowers.

  “Grwwl… (This smell…)”

  I subconsciously wrinkle my nose.

  This is the same scent from the carriage.

  It’s the smell of beasts, like dirt, filth, and blood mixed together in a putrid stench.

  Where is it coming from?

  “Grr…? (That way…?)”

  It’s coming from inside the forest. And it’s getting stronger.

  My large ears perk up, searching for sounds.

  If I concentrate, I can clearly distinguish the subtle sounds of the birds chirping and the breeze blowing through the leaves.

  My hearing homes in on the owner of the strange aroma.

  “Grr…! (Found you…!)”

  I can hear a group walking. My expert hearing can even tell me what they look like and how many there are.

  They’re pretty small. Their footsteps make them sound like they’re roughly the size of children, but there are a lot of them.

  Five, no six.

  If I focus, I can hear them talking.

  “Gyuk, gyuk, gyuk, food.”

  “Gyak, gyak, attack.”

  “Girl, girl, gehee.”

  …This is bad. That’s them, all right. With those strange, croaking voices, there’s no way they’re human.

  These are those monster things. Do they already know we’re here? There’s no hesitation in their footsteps. They’re heading right for us.

  Luckily, they’re still a fair distance away. We need to get out of here right now.

  But how?

  I’ll be fine, but I don’t think Lady Mary will be able to escape.

  What if I carried her on my back?

  No, that wouldn’t work. Lady Mary is in dreamland right now. She’ll probably be pretty groggy when she wakes up.

  Also, I’m not a horse. Even if I let her ride me, she’d probably shift around a lot on my back. There’s no way I could carry a sleepy human without dropping them.

  What do I do? What do I do…?!

  “Grr… (Looks like I’ve got no other option…!)”

  I slip out from under Lady Mary, careful not to wake her.

  She looks reluctant to part ways and reaches out her hand, searching for my warmth, but she soon falls back into a deep sleep.

  All right, extraction successful. Now I just need to run for it.

  “Grr. (I’m sorry, my lady.)”

  Logically, if I leave her like this, then the monsters will only go after her. Then while they’re attacking her, I can make a clean getaway.

  Yeah, right! You thought I’d abandon her?!

  I’m heading straight for the enemy!

  I run hard as I feel the tears welling up.

  “Awooo! (If anything were to happen to Lady Mary, my luxurious pet life would be oveeeer!!)”

  Damn it! That’s the same as dying!

  My cushy pet life has only just begun. I can’t let it end here! I won’t let it end!

  I’m going to eat and sleep every day while my lady pets me!

  Anyone who gets in the way of that is my enemy!

  I’ll start by chasing them out of the forest.

  My target is a group of monsters.

  I may have this wolf body, but I’m still me on the inside. I don’t think about fighting and winning. Just chasing them out should be fine.

  It’ll be a bluff. I’ll just pretend.

  It’s only been a month since I was born, but luckily, I have a ferocious face. I can use this.

  First, I’ll jump out in front of them; then, I’ll howl as loud as I can. Then, I’ll glare at them and scare the crap out of them.

  I’ll say, “I could kill you all with a single bite, but I’ll let you go for today. Now get out of here and never show yourselves again, you pitiful imps.” Or something grand like that.

  I’ve got this.

  I can do it.

  Believe! I saw myself in that mirror. My face is scary enough to make someone wet themselves.

  “Grr! (Okay, let’s do thiiiis!)”

  I pump myself up and jump, flying over the tall, overgrown forest.

  The group of monsters is ahead of me. I can tell by their stench.

  First, I’ll howl to scare them.

  I let out a huge one.

  “GAROOOOOOOOOOOOOO?! (Which one of you is trying to get in the way of my carefree liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife?!)”

  My roar shakes the entire forest; leaves fall, birds scatter, and small animals faint.

  At the same time, my mouth emits a beam of light, swallowing up the group of monsters among the trees.

  The light is so dazzling, I have to close my eyes. Then, I open them again…

  Stretching out in front of me is a circle where the forest has been hollowed out.

  “…Arf? (…Huh?)”

  I stand there, dumbfounded, and then shout in surprise:

  “A-arwf?! (D-d-did that just come out of my mouth?!)”

  Th-th-th-that was me!

  Me! A wolf can’t do that!

  What the heck was that beam?! Does a beam come out if I howl as hard as I can?!

  That giant pillar of light that shot out of my mouth vaporized a huge section of the forest in front of me. The ground where the trees were carved out is smooth like a mirror. It’s not even burnt, more like everything in that space was just removed.

  The monsters that got swallowed up in it were completely disintegrated.

  So I can kill things with a single shot. I defeated them without even seeing their faces.

  This body is terrifyingly strong.

  “Woof, woof?! (So? How in the world is that supposed to help me with my carefree pet life?!)”

  I didn’t wish for combat abilities! I wished for a life of loafing, eating, and sleeping!!

  Even a normal wolf would’ve been way better than this! I’m definitely a monster!

  A regular beast doesn’t fire lasers from its mouth!

  What kind of second life did you expect me to have, you dumb goddess?!

  I told you to make me a dog! Not a wolf or a monster!

  A creature who’s the prey, not the predator! Not a source of XP for a group of adventurers! Not a creature that can be farmed as a resource for armor and weapons! Not someone who’s Monster Huuuunted!!

  “Woof, woof! (Do-over! I need a do-over!)”

  I bark at the sky, but of course, there’s no reply.

  “Wheeze, wheeze… (I—I think that’s enough for today…)”

  Ah. I completely forgot I left Lady Mary all alone.

  If I hurry, I might be able to make it back before she wakes up. I’d better get going.

  I decide to shelve the topics of my body and the appearance of monsters for now.

  I go back the way I came, dashing through the trees like a gust of wind, and make it back to my lady in the blink of an eye.

  “Hmm… Hmm…”

  “Arwf. (She’s still asleep… What a courageous girl my master is.)”

  “Hee-hee-hee… Eat lots and grow nice and big… Routa…”

  I’m pretty sure that beam I fired made a loud noise, but my lady is still in dreamland.

  It’ll be a problem if I get any bigger than I am now. If I could wish for anything, it would be to stop growing. But that’s impossible. The old man’s f
ood is just too good! It’s so frustrating! But I keep eating! Twitch, twitch.

  I poke her with my nose while I think about what’s on today’s lunch menu.

  “Arw. (Lady Mary, wake up. I don’t want any more of those monsters turning up. Let’s get going.)”

  “U-uwha…?”

  I poke her smooth cheek a few times, and she sits up, rubbing her eyes sleepily.

  “Ung… Zzz…”

  “Arww, arww. (Ah, don’t fall asleep now. Come on—time to wake up.)”

  Her body leans over as she buries her face in my fur, making it difficult to move.

  My lady is so bad at waking up.

  “Hmm…? Routaaa…?”

  “Bark. (Yes, yes, it’s your lovable pet, the adorable Routa.)”

  “The lake…?”

  “Woof, woof! (Not today. Look at the sun; it’s almost midday. We need to get back soon, or the maid will find out we left and won’t leave us alone ever again!)”

  “Aw… That’s too bad…”

  I support my sleepy and slightly dejected mistress, and we head for the road back to the mansion.

  We enter through the back gate and skillfully return to her room through the window.

  Just a moment later, the maid calls for us. That was close.

  It doesn’t look like anyone noticed we were gone.

  It also doesn’t seem like the explosive sounds in the forest reached the mansion, either. In fact, everything has gone strangely quiet.

  “Bark. (All right, mission complete. Now it’s food time! Food!)”

  I quickly head for the kitchen.

  Of course, I don’t run inside the mansion. I’m very smart after all! A very smart dog! Certainly not a monster! There’s no way I’d be a monster!!

  I weep internally as I shy away from reality.

  As I get closer to the kitchen, an amazing smell slowly drifts toward me.

  I let it lead me straight to the kitchen, then poke my head in.

  “Arww! (Hey, old man, I’m hungry!)”

  “Oh, there he is, the glutton. I swear I spend more time preparing your meals than the master’s.”

  He shrugs in defeat and prepares a huge plate of food for me.

  “Dearest guest, today’s menu is rainbow trout poêle à frire.”

  He jokingly bows, and I bark energetically in response, leaping for the dish.