“Connor,” I started, feeling the emotion sitting behind my eyes. I wanted to tell him how I felt about him, how he made me feel safe in an unsafe world. How he healed the cracks of my broken soul, which others had left battered and bruised. That if ever he wasn’t okay, my heart would break, too.
Instead, I pushed out a smile and tried to ignore the feelings overpowering me. “Thank you for checking on me,” I said, leaning toward him, feeling faint but not wanting him to know it. Because in our make-believe world, I wasn’t sick. I didn’t have any kind of illness, my body didn’t ache, and my chest didn’t burn.
“I’ll always check on you.” He shifted a bit on the cushion. “Do you need anything? Soup? Crackers and clear soda?”
I shook my head. Honestly, I hadn’t been able to keep anything down. The idea of eating anything else made my stomach turn.
“I’m okay.”
“Are you going to be resting on the sofa?”
“Yeah. I haven’t moved much from this position.”
“Do you need someone to rest on the sofa with you?”
Gosh, that man made my heart feel things I didn’t know hearts could feel. If his care and attention to me had been enough to heal, my heart would’ve lived forever.
I nodded, and he was wrapped around me within seconds.
We lay on the couch, and he became my pillow as he wrapped his large arms around my body. Connor was the weighted blanket I’d always needed in my life. Just by holding me, he made me feel safe in an unsafe world.
“Doesn’t The Bachelor come on tonight?” he asked, glancing down at his watch.
“Yeah, but I know you don’t like that show. I’m recording it so I can watch it later.”
Without question, he picked up the remote and turned on the television, putting on The Bachelor. I breathed through my mouth because my nose was too stuffed up.
“How was work?” I asked, trying to ignore the aching of my body. Everything hurt. Even holding my eyes open felt exhausting.
“I couldn’t focus.” He shook his head. “Too worried about you.”
“Please don’t do that. Please don’t worry about me, Connor.”
“Too late, Red. I already am.”
I snuggled up against him and didn’t make it through ten minutes of the show before I fell asleep in his arms. When I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, to my surprise, he was still there. He stayed.
Connor wouldn’t let me out of his sight after me being sick. He’d already canceled our trip to Kentucky, thinking it wasn’t a good idea for me to travel while I wasn’t feeling well. I was thankful for that, because I didn’t want to tell him how I couldn’t make the trip, even if I wanted to go.
I was still trying to play it off as if it were nothing more than a cold, but the seriousness of the situation weighed heavy on my heart. I knew I had to make some big choices sooner than later and come back to the reality of what my future, or lack thereof, looked like. But instead, I fell more into Connor. More into his warmth, more into the haven he’d created for me. I wanted to pretend for a while that I wasn’t as sick as I was. It just so happened that that was easiest when I was in his arms.
One night as we were tangled up in one another, Connor frowned as he looked down at his cell phone.
“What is it?” I asked, noticing the alarm in his eyes.
“It’s work. There seem to be some issues happening at our West Coast location.”
“The one Jason runs?”
He nodded. “Yeah. Some deals fell through, and there seems to be some missing paperwork that needs to be accounted for. I’m going to have to fly out there to deal with the issues.” He turned my way and kept grimacing. “How much would you hate me if I flew out to California tomorrow? I just want to make sure he’s not fucking up the company too much.”
“That’s completely fine. Why would it matter what I thought?”
“I feel bad leaving you here alone since you haven’t been feeling well.”
I laughed. “Connor, I’m a grown woman. I can handle not feeling well.” I began coughing, and he frowned.
“That sounds painful in your chest.”
“I’ll be okay.”
“You better be. Or else I’ll kick your plum.” He snuggled into my side and pulled me into him. I fell against him as if we were always meant to be together.
“I hope Jason didn’t ruin too much out there,” I told him, needing to shift the conversation.
“It’s fine. Whatever he breaks, I’ll fix. Not a big deal. Now, the last thing I want to do is talk about him. I just want to be here now with you.”
Be here now.
I melted into him, still feeling awful yet embracing the moment. At that moment, I was wrapped up in a man I was falling in love with. That was the only moment that needed to count.
35
Connor
I hated the fact that instead of being with Aaliyah, I was on my way to deal with Jason and his fuckups. I wanted more than ever to tell Walter that his son was sucky at his job, but alas, I knew that wouldn’t do any good. So, I’d do what I knew I’d end up doing: pull Jason out of the hole he’d dug for himself.
If that guy ever had to fix his own messes, he’d really be screwed. Or maybe he’d learn to actually grow up.
When the plane touched down in Los Angeles, I checked into the hotel then headed straight to the office to meet with Jason. I didn’t want to waste any time and be in California longer than I had to be. All I wanted to do was get back to Aaliyah, snuggle the shit out of her, and be happy.
When I walked into the building, I was stunned to see a familiar face sitting at the receptionist desk. “Rose. What are you doing here?” I asked, baffled by her appearance. Last time I saw her, she was having her Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde moment in my office after I fired her.
She gave me a smug smirk and shrugged, pushing her overly exposed tits together. “I went where I was appreciated.”
“You can’t be serious.”
She was smacking down on her chewing gum and twirling her hair with her finger as she kept grinning like a villain from a fairy tale. Ursula? Was that you? “It turns out having some good dirt on people could land you a solid job.”
“Who did you have dirt on?”
“You.” She said the word, but it didn’t register instantly.
Because what kind of dirt could she have on me?
“You didn’t really think Damian was the only one who could find out shit about people, did you?” she sneered.
My God. She was really unpleasant to be around. I couldn’t believe I fell for her goody two shoes performance.
Brava, Rose, Brava.
“What do you mean you have dirt on me?” I asked.
“I saw it all over your TikTok. You had Jason’s ex-fiancée doing dances with you. It was obvious that you two have been fucking. Nobody looks at each other the way you do if there’s not sex happening. Then, people got photographs of you two pretty much making out in Central Park during a photo shoot. And to think you judged me for screwing Jason, when you ended up going and screwing his ex. The double standard.”
“I don’t think you know what a double standard actually is. Also, none of that is your business.”
“Yeah, well, it became my business after you fired me.”
“I don’t have time for this,” I said, tired of talking to a child. I marched past the front desk and straight into Jason’s office.
“Connor. I didn’t expect you before lunchtime,” Jason commented as I walked in. His desk was stacked high with paperwork, and he had a smug look on his face. For someone who was failing at life, he sure had a lot of nerve to look smug. “Take a seat,” he said, gesturing to the chair in front of his desk.
I did as he said and clasped my hands. “You said some paperwork was missing and that a few deals fell through?” I asked.
He waved a hand my way. “Nah, I only said that because I knew it would get you on a plane out here. Everyt
hing’s fine business-wise.”
“What the hell, Jason? Why am I here then?” The irritation hit me fast, but that wasn’t shocking. Being around Jason had a way of pulling out my annoyance at a record speed.
He sat back in his chair and placed his hands behind his head. “Did you think it wouldn’t get back to me? You and Aaliyah? Rose told—and showed—me everything.”
“That’s why you had me fly across the damn states? Because you’re mad about some TikToks and photographs that people took of us?”
“You say ‘us’ as if there actually is a you and Aaliyah. But that would be ridiculous.”
I stayed quiet because I didn’t need to say or prove anything to Jason of all people.
He arched an eyebrow and leaned forward. “No way. You really are with her?”
“It’s none of your business what I do in my private life.”
“The hell it isn’t when you’re dating my Aaliyah.”
“She’s not yours, remember? You stood her up on your wedding day. That was the end of any kind of relationship you had with her.”
“So, you figured you’d pick up my crumbs?”
I took in a deep inhalation and shook my head as I pushed myself up from the chair. “I don’t have time for this. I can’t believe you had me come all the way out here due to you being butt-hurt that Aaliyah moved on.”
“She moved on to you, though? That’s just disrespectful.”
I rolled my eyes. “Let’s not pretend you and I are close, Jason. We both know that isn’t the case.”
“Where’s the bro code, though? Where’s the respect?”
“We’re adults. We are business colleagues, not friends. There’s no bro code here.”
“You’re a fucking asshole.”
“On that note, I’m going to head out.” I turned to walk away but paused the moment he spoke.
“Have fun with all the hospital trips,” he spat out.
I turned back and cocked an eyebrow. “What?”
“With her condition, the girl’s always getting sick. It’s a damn headache. I wasn’t trying to spend every other weekend in the emergency room, but I had to do what I had to do to get this,” he said, gesturing around his office.
What the fuck was he going on about?
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
He raised a brow. “You didn’t know…? Oh shit, you don’t know. She didn’t tell you. Dude—Aaliyah’s ya know…” He made a croaking face. What a fucking fucker.
“What?”
“She’s literally dying.”
“What? No, she’s not.”
“Uh, yeah she is. Honestly, it seems impossible that you haven’t noticed. I picked up on the signs early on, her fat ass ankles, her nonstop heavy breathing. I knew something was off, but my mom was the one who actually told me.”
“Told you what?”
“She has heart failure. She was diagnosed like two years ago. They said she only has a few more years, which is why, when my parents said I could get this position if I married her, I jumped on board. I figured a few years with the sick chick was worth it if I ended up running the company out here, but I couldn’t go through with it in the end. Plus, by that point, all the contracts were signed, and it was a done deal. So, I won without the sick girl.”
He kept calling her sick, and it made me want to punch him in his throat. She wasn’t sick. She just had a cold. It was only a cold. It was nothing more than a…
My mind began racing, connecting all the dots that had been right in front of my face the whole time, signs I’d decided to ignore because my feelings for Aaliyah were growing too much.
She was tired a lot.
She got winded easily.
No…she couldn’t be…she would’ve told me…
“Anyway, whatever, man. Have my leftovers while you can. The clock is ticking on that one, so don’t be surprised when you’re at a funeral. One I’m not paying for, because I didn’t marry the bitch.”
“Fuck you!” I said, barging toward him and grabbing him by his collar. He stared at me and began snickering as if he was enjoying the show of me finding out that the one girl I’d ever cared for wasn’t going to be around for much longer.
“Yeah, fuck me. Let me go before I call security,” he warned, ripping himself out of my grip. He smoothed his shirt with his palms and cleared his throat. “Now, go ahead—go back to New York to your fucked-up prize. I just wanted to tell you face-to-face that you screwed up getting together with her. In the end, you lost, dude.”
I went back to the hotel and pulled out my laptop. My heart hadn’t stopped racing since the conversation with Jason. I searched congestive heart failure. I read about every symptom, every cause, every treatment. I watched YouTube videos about patients who had it, watched videos about people who’d lost loved ones to it. My panic and worry were at an all-time high as I read more and more details about the severity of heart failure.
Then I searched the timeline of those diagnosed with it.
I searched their survival rate.
My own heart cracked into a million pieces.
Most don’t live past five years.
She had been diagnosed two years ago.
Who knew how much time she had left?
How was this happening? Why hadn’t she told me? Hell, why hadn’t I realized it?! I fucking knew. Some part of me was aware, but I ignored all the signs because I didn’t want it to be true. I didn’t want the hurting of my past to come back to my present. Yet, there I was doing exactly what I had done as a child. I was searching for answers. Searching for some light. Searching for a cure to the uncurable.
I sat in my dark hotel room, falling apart as the laptop light shone against my face, realizing the woman I loved was going to die.
And nothing I could do would stop it.
36
Connor
Ten years old
Mom was trying not to cry when she told me about the cancer.
I didn’t even know what that was, but I knew it was bad if she was trying not to tell me. I knew she’d been sick, but I didn’t know how bad. I thought she just had a bad cold or something with how she was always coughing stuff up.
“Do you understand, Connor? Do you understand what I’m telling you?” she said as a few tears fell down her cheeks. She brushed them away fast, trying to pretend they never happened, but I’d already seen them.
“Are you dying?” I asked, feeling like my insides were twisted up in knots. My tummy had hurt ever since Mom said that word to me. Cancer. It was hurting her. It was making her want to cry, but she was acting like she didn’t because she didn’t want me to cry. Even though I wanted to cry.
I want to cry.
But I couldn’t because Mom had already had to cry enough when Dad left us, and whenever I cried, she cried. I didn’t want her to cry, so I didn’t cry. I had to be strong for her.
“No, sweetheart,” she said, placing her hands against my cheeks. “No, I’m not dying. We are going to fight this, okay? We are going to fight this and win.”
I sniffled a bit and nodded, wanting to be strong, but I was just a kid, and sometimes kids hurt. I gave her a hug and held her tight. Then I pulled back. “Can I go to bed?”
“Are you tired already? It’s kind of early.”
“Yeah. I just want to go to sleep.”
She frowned but nodded.
I went to my bedroom and closed my door. I lay in my bed, put my pillow over my face so Mom couldn’t hear me, and then I started crying. My whole body shook as I kept thinking about Mom being sick. She couldn’t be sick. I needed her. She was my bestest friend. I couldn’t handle something being wrong with her, and I hated that I couldn’t fix it. I should’ve been able to help her, fix her, be the man of the house.
I couldn’t stop crying like a stupid kid, and I knew I had to do better because Mom needed me to be strong, but I was scared, and I didn’t know what I’d ever do if she wasn’t okay. I needed her to be oka
y. I needed her to be okay. I needed—
“Connor Ethan,” Mom said, walking into my room. I kept my pillow over my face, because I knew if she saw me, she’d know I was sad, and I didn’t want her to know. I had to be strong for her. For us. I had to because Dad was gone now, and there was no one else to be strong.
“Sweetheart, look at me,” Mom said, walking over to my bed and sitting beside me. She tugged at the pillow, and I tugged back.
“No!”
“Connor, please. It’s okay.”
“No. It’s not! It’s not okay! It can’t be okay if you’re not okay!” I cried, my tears still falling, soaking my pillowcase. I sounded like a big baby, but I didn’t know how to sound like anything else. Mom was sick. She wasn’t okay, and that made me really scared.
She managed to remove my pillow, and she set it on the other side of the bed. I pushed myself up to sit, pulled my knees into my chest, and wrapped my arms around my legs.
“Look at me, Con.”
I couldn’t. I couldn’t look at her because it would just remind me that she wasn’t okay.
But she made me. She placed her hands on my cheeks and forced me to look her in the eyes. She then took my hands and placed them against her face.
“I’m okay. You see? You feel my face? You feel my skin? I’m still here, and I’m okay. Do you understand? I am okay. You are okay. We are going to be okay. Do you understand?”
I nodded as I kept sniffling.
“Do you want me to sleep with you tonight?” she asked.
I shook my head. “No. I’m a big kid.” Even though I wanted her to stay with me that night. I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted to wake up in the morning and see that she was still okay.
She smiled. “Do you want me to sleep with you tonight?”
I shrugged. “Will it make you feel better?”
“Absolutely. I think I need you tonight.”
“Okay then, but we’ll go in your room ’cause your bed is bigger.”
“Sounds good to me.” She wiped my tears away and kissed my forehead. We headed to her bedroom, and it wasn’t long before she fell asleep. After she was sleeping, I snuck out of bed and went to grab her laptop. I went into her closet and closed the door so the light from the computer wouldn’t wake her up.
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