“Same here, Theon. We’re a right pair. At our most vulnerable but so grateful.”
“How’s Caroline doing?”
“Not very good. I know chemo makes you poorly, but it terrifies me as well. She’s suffering, the poor little thing, and I feel so useless.”
“Yeah, I know that feeling. I’m supposed to protect her. My baby girl. How can I do that against this? I thought this afternoon she was over the worse, but then this. When does it stop?”
“No idea, Theon. Life can be so cruel.”
“I’m going to head back to her room and wait. It’s killing me, not knowing. I’ll see you later, and thanks again, Alana.”
Back in Evelina’s room, I’m pacing. I phoned Sonia to update her on what’s happening, and I managed to do it without breaking down. I’m still waiting, my leg jumping with nerves.
Dr. Cassidy arrives. Thank God. I jump up. “What’s happening, Doctor. I’m going out of my mind here?”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Tourney. I had another emergency. I’ve been and checked in on Evelina. Can we sit?” Oh shit, that’s not good.
“What’s wrong?”
“She’s okay. We seem to have stopped the hemorrhaging, which is good news. They are taking her to ICU as we speak. I will take you up there in a few minutes once she’s settled. Mr. Tourney, Evelina hasn’t come round yet.”
“Wait, what, come round from surgery?”
She nods at me. “She’s slipped into a coma, Mr. Tourney.”
I jump out of my chair. “What, why? What’s wrong? Why is she in a coma? What does that mean?”
“Please, Mr. Tourney, it just means she’s shut down for a little while. We are optimistic. It’s just her body’s way of healing. To be honest, it’s not a bad thing with all that she’s gone through. We are monitoring her 24/7. Do you have any questions?”
“Will she wake up? Tell me she will wake up?”
“I have faith that she will wake up, Mr. Tourney. She’s a very strong little girl. What I can’t tell you is when that will be. I have to tell you, it could be hours, days, weeks, months or, in extreme cases, years. We need to take each day as it comes. All the while, she is healing from her nephrectomy procedure, which is a good thing. We’ll keep monitoring her and making sure there is no more hemorrhaging and if, and it’s a big if, she doesn’t wake up for a few weeks, we can still go ahead with the chemo while she’s in a coma. Now, are you ready to go up and see her? I have to warn you, there are lots of monitors and tubes?”
“God, yes, please. It’s killing me down here waiting.”
We walk up to the ICU in silence. I’m trying to ready myself for what I will see. We walk in. Each room has floor-to-ceiling glass windows. We pass the nurses station and stop by a room almost opposite them. I see her. My baby girl is lying there, very still with monitors all behind the bed and to the side. I can’t hold it in. I put the back of my hand to my mouth and bite it, trying to stifle the noise as tears stream down my face. Dr. Cassidy rubs my arm.
“I know, Mr. Tourney, this is one of the hardest things a parent has to witness. It’s okay, you know. Let it all out, and then go and be with her. Talk to her, read to her — whatever brings you both comfort. Let Evander and her family come and see her and talk to her. It’s well documented that coma patients hear what’s going on around them. They remember conversations that went on while they slept. Play her favorite music or bring her favorite movie in. We encourage it, Mr. Tourney. Now, when you’re ready, go in and sit with her. Try not to be upset in there. You’re her strong daddy, remember.” I nod wiping my eyes and nose on my sleeve. A nurse brings me some tissues.
“Here you go, Mr. Tourney. I’m Josie, I’m Evelina’s nurse, and I promise to take good care of her. Anything you need or need to know, ask me. When I’m not on duty, it will be Margaret taking care of her.”
“Thank you, Josie.” I blow my nose, wipe my face, straighten up and compose myself. I walk straight into the room, confident and strong on the outside, but shattered and in pieces on the inside. I lean over and kiss her forehead.
“How’s my baby girl doing? Are you sleeping on your daddy, huh? Well, that’s fine, poppet. You sleep all you want to. Daddy will be right here for you when you wake up. In the meantime, I’m going to go and get your Harry Potter books so I can carry on reading them to you. I won’t be long.” I lean down and give her a lingering kiss on the forehead and stroke her hair. I look up to the ceiling.
“Come on, Evelyn. You owe me this. Look after her,” I whisper.
I’m in her room, and I’ve been packing up her things to take up to ICU. I’m sitting on the chair next to the bed with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands.
“I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this, Evelyn. I don’t know what to do. I won’t survive if she’s taken as well. The Evs are the only reason I’m even here at all after losing you. I’m telling you now, if it weren’t for them, I’d be with you up there. Please don’t let them take her, Evelyn. I’m begging you, baby.” I’m crying again.
I feel Alana’s presence before I hear her. I look up and see her standing at the door, wondering if she should come in or leave me to my pity party. I don’t wonder for long, she rushes to me, kneeling on the floor in front of me, and grabs my hands.
“Theon, what’s happened? Where’s Evelina?” She looks at the empty bed and back to me with tears in her eyes. Oh god, she thinks she’s gone. I shake my head.
“Oh no, she’s in ICU, Alana. She’s in a coma. She hasn’t woken up from them fixing the hemorrhage. I don’t know what to do here. I don’t know if I’m strong enough.”
“Oh Theon, come on, sweetie, none of this! You’re not strong enough. You don’t have a choice. You have to be strong because that little girl depends on you — her daddy. You’re her hero. You have to be her superhero to get her through this. No wallowing. She’s not gone. She’s alive, and she needs you. Do you hear me?” She raises my head, so we’re eye level. She hands me a tissue, and I wipe my eyes. She leans in and kisses my cheek. I feel it every time she touches me. I feel the connection, the sparks. I’ve never felt like that about anyone since Evelyn. Evelyn was my first and last, but she left me. I look at Alana — really look at her — thinking if we weren’t in this place, in the situation we are in now, I would most definitely kiss her. It’s just a case of the wrong time and the wrong place. I smile at her
“Thank you again, that’s all we seem to do, thank each other. I’m starting to rely on you, Alana. You’re my support through this. I don’t have anyone else other than my in-laws.”
“You’re mine too, Theon. I have my sister, but that’s it, and she’s looking after the B’s.” She laughs at that, and I laugh with her.
“I’m glad we found each other to support at this horrendous time in our lives. Now, you get yourself sorted out and go and see your little girl. I need to get back to Caroline; she’s not very good still. You know, Theon, the hardest part of being a parent is watching your child go through something really bad and not be able to fix it for them. We feel hopeless, but we have to stay strong for them. They rely on us. They only have us to look up to and show them how to be strong, and that alone should make us stronger. Yes, we’re allowed meltdowns out of their sight, which is where you and I are good for each other, but to them we’re invincible, we are their superheroes. Now go. I’ll see you later.” This time, I lean in and kiss her cheek. I linger slightly longer than I should.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
I get up, grab Evelina’s things and head out to see my little girl. I’ve got a lot of talking ahead of me, which will be hard enough without a smart, sassy ten-year-old back chatting me. I can’t wait for that to happen again.
10 years earlier
EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT and ready to burst — Evelyn is on complete bedrest. Her blood pressure is through the roof. We have a nurse monitoring her constantly. The doctor wanted her to stay in hospital, but Evelyn wanted to be at home. So the compromise
is we have round the clock nurses in the house. I’ve been so worried about her. She’s very pale. I’ve made an appointment to see Dr. Zelda today, and I’m going to ask if we can get Evelyn induced because this pregnancy is now making her too poorly. She’s drained, with no energy at all. She’s barely eating, and that’s not good for the babies.
Evelyn doesn’t know I’m seeing the doctor. I don’t want her to see how worried I actually am.
“Doctor, please can you consider inducing Evelyn? I’m fearful for her health. She is so uncomfortable, mostly bedridden, struggling to sleep, and she barely eats. I have to help her to the bathroom because walking is a struggle. I’m going out of my mind with worry for her and the babies.”
“Mr. Tourney, I completely understand your concerns, as you know Mrs. Tourney refused the bedrest in hospital, but until her water’s break or she and the babies are in any kind of distress, I’m afraid I can’t enforce her going into hospital to be induced.” Fuck, that is not what I want to hear. I rub my hands over my face. She can see how anxious and agitated I am.
“Mr. Tourney, how about I come and do a house visit this afternoon and see how Mrs. Tourney and the babies are doing? I can make the decision then or at least try to talk Mrs. Tourney into going into the hospital?”
“Yes, please, Doctor. That would be great, and hopefully, we can both talk her into it.” I leave the office deflated.
I’m on my way home, thinking about Evelyn and how this last month has been a nightmare for her. My phone rings through the car system, and I connect the call. I can hear screaming. Shit! “Hello, Evelyn. Is that you, baby?”
“Theon, it’s Louise. Evelyn has gone into labor. I’ve called the paramedics, and they will be here in a few minutes. Do you want to try to get home or meet us at the hospital?”
“Shit, how is she? Is she okay? I’m almost home. I’ll be there in a couple of minutes?”
“She’s not good, Theon. I’m keeping her comfortable. Got to go.” She hangs up. I put my foot down. Please, traffic, don’t stop me.
I throw the car into park on the drive just as the paramedics arrive. I rush into the house and up the stairs, shouting for them to follow me.
I run into our room and straight to Evelyn on the bed. She looks terrible. Oh god, please be okay, please be okay.
“Hey baby, how are you feeling? The paramedics are here to take us to have these babies. Are you ready?” She nods very gently at me. Tears streaming down her face into her ears. I wipe them away and kiss her lightly on the lips.
“I love you so damn much, baby. Never forget that.” I move aside while the paramedics see to her. I’m watching everything they do.
“Sir, we need to get going now. Her blood pressure is very low, and she’s drifting in and out of consciousness. The babies will start to get distressed if we don’t move now.” I nod. I can see Evelyn’s eyes close. She suddenly screams out loud. It’s a terrifying blood-curdling scream that scares the shit out of me. Then she goes still.
“Is she okay?” I’m freaking out. She doesn’t look like she’s moving. I watch her chest and can just make out it rising slowly. She’s shuddering. Oh god, please no.
I follow the paramedics down the stairs, and I jump into the back with one. I don’t give him a choice. There’s no way I’m leaving her. She’s bad. I know she is, and I’m scared out of my fucking mind. This isn’t how having a baby is supposed to be. It’s supposed to be her cursing me and digging her nails in me, but us being deliriously happy. There hasn’t been any of that. She’s been on bedrest for a month. Not feeling well at all. I’ve hated every minute of it. Just lately, I’ve hated her being pregnant at times. I’ve wished on so many occasions she wasn’t and that it was just us again. I’ve felt guilty having those thoughts, but as I sit here, now holding her hand, watching her almost lifeless, I don’t feel guilt. I want the babies out of her now. I wish we’d had them induced weeks back, but Evelyn refused. She wanted to go as long as she could. Stubborn fucking woman.
We arrive at the hospital and are taken straight to the trauma room. A doctor enters, who I’ve met twice, he works with Dr. Zelda.
“Mr. Tourney, I’m Dr. Frost. I’ll be delivering the babies for you. Dr. Zelda is in an emergency, but she will be here as soon as she can. Evelyn has very low blood pressure. I’m going to have to do a C-section to get the babies out, as she cannot push. Can you consent to this?” What’s he talking about? Didn’t we already consent?
“Just do what you have to do. We already consented to this?”
“No. Evelyn withdrew the consent. She wanted to deliver them naturally.”
“Just do it. Make her better. Get the fucking babies out, NOW!” I scream. Evelyn is not moving. I’m terrified. She’s not moved since her last contraction. This can’t be right. There’s lots of action, they’re prepping her, and I’m asked to leave. No fucking way. I refuse point blank. I have Evelyn’s hand in mine, and I’m stroking her head and kissing her forehead. A nurse has an apron on me, but I won’t move. They put an oxygen mask on her. I can feel the tears rolling down my face.
“Baby, we’re having our babies today. Can you believe it? They’re coming to greet us finally. They want to see their mommy and daddy. Let’s get them out, and you can cuddle them. I love you, baby. My first, my last, forever and infinity.”
There’s a hive of activity around me, but I don’t notice anything. There are monitors beeping. I faintly hear crying, babies crying, but I can’t pull myself away from Evelyn.
I’m stroking her head.
She’s not breathing.
A long, screaming high-pitched noise causes me to look up. It’s the cardiac machine. It’s showing a long green line. I look at the doctors as they move me out of the way. They’re pumping on Evelyn’s chest so hard, I’m sure I hear a rib crack. I’m stood stunned, lifeless at what’s unfolding around me. I feel like I’m not here. This isn’t happening. It’s all a dream, and I’ll wake up any minute now.
I feel like it’s not my body standing here.
I can’t breathe.
There is shouting, again. Someone shouting, “clear.” Didn’t they shout that already?
What’s he doing now? Oh no. No fucking way, what’s he trying to do, I grab at him. “What the fuck are you doing? Why are you covering her?” I’m still trying to grab at him. “Don’t you fucking dare try to cover my beautiful wife! Don’t you dare.” I grab the sheet he’s got in his hands to stop him.
“She won’t be able to see the babies or me if you do that, you fucking dipshit.”
What’s he thinking? She’ll be awake soon. Won’t she.
Oh god, I can’t breathe.
She’s gone.
My life is gone with her.
This was supposed to be the best fucking day of my life.
It’s turned into the worst nightmare of my life.
This can’t be real.
I have to wake up.
I’ll find her sprawled out beside me like she is every morning. Me cursing as I’m hanging off the bed because she’s taking up all the room. She says it’s because of the size she is now, that she needs to spread out but it’s not, she’s always done it.
I love her.
Time to wake up.
Except I can’t.
I’m standing here in the emergency room. I can hear babies crying, but she’s just lying there. They haven’t covered her up — I wouldn’t let them. I remember screaming at them when they called time on her.
I screamed when they try to cover her.
“What the fuck are you doing? Why are you covering her?”
The doctor tries to put a hand on my arm, but I shrug him off.
“Fix her!” I cry
“Just fix her…” I fall to my knees on the floor, my head in my hands. Trying to wake up from this nightmare.
My wife is gone.
I can’t fathom what happened. It was a birth. They do this day in and day out, multiple times a day, so why did my wife die?
“What happened? Why is she gone? She was giving birth. You do this all the time. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?” I scream at them.
The doctor crouches down to be eye level with me.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Tourney. Your wife had eclampsia and went into cardiac arrest. We did all we could for her, but, unfortunately, we couldn’t save her. It’s not common to have deaths in childbirth these days, but especially with twins, eclampsia can be a complication.” I just stare at him, not quite understanding
“She had a heart attack? She’s only 27. How the fuck could she have a heart attack?”
He winces slightly at my outburst. “Mr. Tourney. I’m so sorry. I know this is hard for you but you have two healthy babies over there.” He nods his head in the direction of the crying babies
“They could probably do with meeting their daddy. Being born is stressful enough, but they’ve lost their mother. I believe they’ll know that they’ve lost a connection. Would you like to meet your son and daughter?”
Would I?
Do I want to?
Did they kill her?
What the fuck do I do now?
I can’t look after two babies on my own. They need their mother.
“Bring her back, doctor. Just bring her the fuck back. They need their Mommy. I need her. She’s my life.”
I break, collapsing backward on the floor. I’m curled up tight, tucking my legs into my chest as tight as I can get them. I start rocking and wailing. How pathetic must I look? A grown man curled up on a delivery room floor …
Not something they see every day.
I’m rocking back and forth, back and forth
The Best Day of My Life Page 12