The Best Day of My Life

by Lynda Throsby

“Evelyn, baby, don’t leave me, please come back to me, please don’t leave me. I can’t live without you.” I scramble to my knees and shuffle to her bed. There’s blood on the floor. I’m kneeling in her blood. Fuck. I grab her hand. It’s cold. I’m kissing her hand and sobbing so hard I can’t breathe properly. I’m trying to take in gulps of air.

  “Evelyn, please wake up. Baby, I need you. WAKE UP?” I scream at her. I start to get up using the bed to lever myself up. I feel arms under me trying to help me. I slip in the blood on the floor and fall to my knees Evelyn’s hand rests against my face as my head rests on the bed.

  “She’s awake. Doctor, quick, she’s awake. Baby, I love you. Baby, we’ll get you better.” More arms are helping me get up, so I don’t slip this time, but when I look at Evelyn, she’s not awake.

  She’s not breathing.

  She’s dead.

  Turning blue, dead.

  I collapse again, this time I must have passed out.

  I wake suddenly. I hear someone moving around.

  “Evelyn, is that you, baby? Evelyn, are you okay?”

  “Theon, how are you feeling, sweetie?” Sonia murmurs. I feel a hand on my hair, stroking my head. I open my eyes. It’s not my bedroom.

  Fuck, what’s happening?

  Where am I?

  Where’s Evelyn?

  Evelyn. Babies. Labor. Dying. Screaming Babies. It hits me. I scream; thrashing about, wanting to get up, there’s a horrible noise and crying. I realize I’m making the noise. I’m wailing and crying. I can hear Sonia crying. She’s thrown herself over me to keep me down, but she’s hugging me and crying. I can’t breathe. I start hyperventilating, gulping for breath.

  “Shhh, Theon.” She’s trying to calm me down. I start to breathe easier.

  “Where is she, Sonia? I need to see her. Where is she?”

  “Oh, Theon, sweetie, she’s gone. They couldn’t save her. Do you remember? She went into cardiac arrest.” She’s crying into my chest. I wrap my arms around her, and we cry together for our loss. The images flash into my head. Evelyn lying on the bed — still. I remember blood on the floor, me slipping in her blood. Evelyn — blue and cold. They shut her eyes. She looked like she was sleeping. My beautiful angel laying there. I remember babies wailing, but I not seeing them.

  “And the babies, Sonia?”

  “They are beautiful, Theon. They are healthy and being looked after by the nurses. You have a son and a daughter. They are the most amazing little things. Do you think you can walk to go and see them?”

  “NO!” I shout and startle her.

  “No, it’s their fault she’s dead. It’s all on them, Sonia. I can’t look at them knowing they killed my Evelyn. They took my wife and my life from me.” I turn my head away from her.

  “No, Theon, it’s not the babies’ fault, sweetie. Please don’t blame them. They have lost their mommy. They can’t lose their daddy as well.”

  Present

  EVELINA HAS BEEN in a coma for eight days now. I’m with her practically twenty-four seven, apart from going to the bathroom and having a quick shower, and I only do that when Sonia and Evander are reading and talking to her.

  I’m going silently out of my mind.

  Every day I pray she wakes up.

  I stay strong on the outside for Evelina and Evander, but I know Sonia can see the turmoil in me just as I see it in her. I sometimes forget she lost her daughter and now her granddaughter is in a coma. I have to remember it’s not just me, but it’s hard. Evander is being a trooper. He seems so strong and just keeps saying she will wake up when she’s ready.

  I know she will.

  Evander is at school, and Sonia has dropped in to see Evelina. She tells me to get a shower and go for some fresh air while she sits with her. I have my shower then head outside to go and sit in the garden area for a little while. I decide to phone the office and make sure everything is okay with Aggie and Patrick. It’s been a couple of days since I’ve spoken to either of them. Luckily, they have everything under control. I’m sitting, staring up into the sky when I feel Alana approach. I always sense when she’s near. I look to my right and watch her.

  “Hi, Theon.”

  “Hi, Alana, how are you?”

  “Holding on.” She shrugs. “And you?”

  “The same.” I give her a small smile.

  “Do you mind if I join you or would you prefer to be alone?”

  “No, please sit.”

  “How is Evelina?”

  “She’s just the same, still in a coma. It’s scaring the life out of me, you know? The longer it goes on, the scarier it gets. I keep thinking she isn’t going to wake up.” I breathe out.

  “How is Caroline doing?”

  “The chemo has been hard, but they did an x-ray this morning, and the tumor is shrinking. They think they may be able to operate on her next week if it continues to shrink. I’m just praying it does.”

  “That’s great news, Alana. I hope they can operate on her.“ We sit in silence, with our own thoughts.

  “God, Alana, why is life like this? Why is it so fucking hard?” I rub my hands over my face.

  “I try to understand. I try to think, what have I done that was so bad to deserve this?”

  “Me too. I think I must have been wicked in my previous life, you know, for all this to keep happening. I don’t think it’s fair. Life is not fair.”

  “You know Evelyn was a firm believer that everything happened for a reason. She said we just didn’t know what that reason was straight away. That it sometimes took a while for us to realize why. I still do not know the reason she was taken from me or the reason Evelina is so poorly. Life is so shit sometimes.” I lean my head back and look up to the sky, rubbing my hands over my face again. Then I rest them on my thighs and take in a deep sigh. Alana puts her hand on top of mine.

  “You know, Theon. Evelyn sounds like my kind of person. I too believe things happen for a reason. I believe I lost Gary to help me notice the signs when Caroline became ill. If he hadn’t had the same cancer, I probably wouldn’t have noticed the symptoms in Caroline. That’s my theory at the moment; it may change depending on the outcome. I know life is shit, and we are sent these curveballs to try us, and it’s how we deal with them that makes us who we are.”

  “Now you even sound like Evelyn.” I look down and smile.

  “We always seem to have these pity talks, don’t we?” I say looking at her.

  “But I’m glad we do, Alana. I know we keep saying this, but I’m glad I have you to talk to. It helps me so much.” I rest my other hand on top of hers and squeeze it, feeling that spark again. I wonder if she feels it too.

  “Me too, Theon. It helps me so much, knowing I can come and find you and speak to you about things.” We sit in silence for a bit longer, still holding hands. It’s a comfortable, supportive silence.

  “I worry she isn’t going to wake up, Alana. I read to her all the time. I put her favorite shows on the TV so she can hear them. Why won’t she wake up? I’ve been reading about coma patients and how there is no rhyme or reason to it. That they can just one day all of a sudden wake as though nothing has happened.”

  “What has Doctor Cassidy said about it?”

  “That she could wake up at any time. It could be days, weeks or months. She said I shouldn’t worry too much as she’s convinced Evelina will wake up soon, although she can’t say for sure. In young patients the chances of being in a coma for an extended period of time are minimal, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

  They’ve done tests on her brain, and they say everything looks normal — no sign of swelling and the bleeding has stopped. They don’t think there is any brain damage but won’t know for sure until she wakes up. Evander is being so strong. He says she will wake up when she’s good and ready and not before. I wish I had his optimism. It just terrifies me. Doc said that if she is still in a coma next week, they will still go ahead with the chemo. In one respect, her being asleep helps her recov
ery from the surgery, helps heal faster, and if she’s asleep when she has chemo, she won’t feel all the side effects. I’m going to ask the doc if they can start the chemo now, while she is out, to try and alleviate all that sickness.”

  “If they could do that, Theon it would be better. Seeing what Caroline has gone through with her chemo has been soul destroying. She’s been so poorly with it, and now because of the high dose they’ve been giving her to shrink the tumor her hair is falling out, and she cries all the time. I don’t know what to do to comfort her. The only time she has a bit of life in her is when Bailee and Bryan come to see her. They just seem to perk her up. Like Evander, they stay strong. They amaze me.”

  We sit for a while longer, still holding hands. I feel a bit guilty — like I’m betraying Evelyn. I’m asking her to look out for Evelina, yet I’m sitting, holding another woman’s hand. But then I seem to crave the comfort from Alana.

  After a while, I feel I need to get back to Evelina. I hate being away from her for any length of time, especially after what happened last week. Alana seems to sense my need. We release our hands, and both stand up.

  “Time to get back. I’ve been away longer than I like already.” I’ve been checking my phone while here just making sure I wasn’t missing any calls. I know if anything had happened Sonia would phone me straight away.

  “Yes, I need to get back to Caroline too and see if she has woken up yet. She has chemo again in the morning, the poor love.” We walk back together, just talking about us, and what we like to do with the kids. It’s always about the kids, but then they are the biggest part of both our lives. I know they all like to game, but I haven’t told her who I am, and she hasn’t asked what I do yet. I will tell her when she asks.

  I arrive back at Evelina’s room after saying goodbye to Alana at Caroline’s room with a kiss to the cheek. Every time I walk in here, I hold my breath in anticipation of her being awake. Every time, I’m deflated. This time is no different. Sonia is sitting next to her reading.

  “Hey, how’s she been? Any change?” I’m asking, but I know there will be nothing different, she would have told me.

  “No, this little angel is just the same. Evelina, daddy’s back. I told you he wouldn’t be long, sweetie. Grandma has to get going now to go and pick Evander up from school. I’ll bring him here, and I’m sure he will tell you all about school and what’s been going on.” She leans over and kisses her on the forehead. Nothing. No movement at all. I run my hand over my face. I just wish she would move, even a finger, I would be happy for anything.

  Pull yourself together.

  “Hey poppet, my little sleepy head. I’m back. Let’s put a new Monster High DVD on when Grandma leaves. What do you say, baby?” I lean over and kiss her forehead. It kills me. I need this spunky little girl of mine to wake and give me her sass like I’m used to.

  “See you in a while with Evander, Theon. Is there anything you need me to bring in for you? I’ve got your dirty laundry here, and I’ll bring you the clean laundry I did yesterday. Are you okay for everything else?”

  “God, Sonia, I’m sorry you’re lumbered with my laundry. I really appreciate it. You know that right? Thank you. I couldn’t get through this without you and Arnold?” She scowls at me and looks at Evelina. She nods, not wanting to say anything in front of her and it’s her way of scolding me for just saying what I did, but in truth, I don’t say it enough to her. She leaves us, and I get up to put the DVD on for Evelina. I sit back down on the bed next to her where I spend a lot of my time cuddling her, so she knows I’m there with her all the time. I would hate for her to think she was on her own. I start to drift off to sleep as I usually do when I sit here. I talk to Evelyn in my head, and I pray Evelina will wake up soon.

  10 Years Earlier

  THE DAY I lost Evelyn and ended up in my own hospital room was the hardest day of my life. I hadn’t been admitted, so I could leave at any time, which is what I did. Sonia left me after I refused to see the babies. She wanted to go and check on them. I took this as my opportunity to leave. I was still in my blood-soaked jeans and t-shirt, and I needed to get out of them. I was going to throw up. I had Evelyn’s blood all over me. I ran out of the room and ran to the entrance of the hospital. I started walking out of the doors and out of the hospital grounds onto the street. There were clothes shops over the other side, so I headed to the nearest one that sold men’s stuff. I didn’t care what I got just as long as I got changed. I got some sweatpants and a new top. I put them on in the changing room, and at the cash register, I asked for a bag for my bloodied clothes. I was going to burn them once I got home. I was retching again just thinking of Evelyn’s blood. I flagged down a cab to take me home.

  Once at my front door, I froze. I couldn’t go inside. I still had the bag in my hand with my bloodied clothes in, and I headed around the back instead, to the burner out there to get rid of them. I just stood and watched them burn, I watched the flames get higher, engulfing the offending objects, flickering around. I glared into those flames. I was numb. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think what to do next. What did I do without Evelyn? She’s gone! I knew deep down she wasn’t coming back. I fell to my knees, and I cried so hard in front of that burner. I didn’t want to live without her. I couldn’t live without her. She was my whole reason for living. I had no one else, just Evelyn, and now I had no one. I was alone.

  “Oh god, Evelyn, please come back to me, baby. Please don’t leave me like this. Why did you have to go? Why didn’t you go to the hospital to be induced weeks ago? Why would you do this to us, to me? WHY, WHY, WHY?” I screamed up to the sky. My throat was hoarse, gravelly and scratchy. I couldn’t believe she was gone.

  I stayed like that while the clothes burned, trying to process, trying to think what to do. I got up and walked straight into my pool. I wanted to submerge under the water and never come up. I moved down the steps, one by one, getting in deeper and deeper. I took a big breath just as my head went under the water. My eyes were open, and I was standing there, anchoring myself down, trying not to float up. I could feel a burning sensation in my lungs. I wanted to open my mouth to gulp, but I couldn’t, not yet. My body started to spasm, and my eyes were bulging out of my head. The burning was getting worse. I needed to breathe. I needed air. I suddenly saw Evelyn in front of me, telling me to float up, telling me the babies needed their daddy, telling me not to give up. I reached for her, and she rose. I followed, trying to reach her. I broke the surface of the pool, attempting to breathe. I gulped to get air into my burning lungs and started to panic and flap my arms, but I was dragged down by the weight of my clothes. I tried to take air before I went back under, but it was no good— this was it. I couldn’t breathe. My lungs were cooling now with the water that was starting to flood them. This was what I wanted, wasn’t it? I couldn’t go on without her, so I just accepted it.

  All of a sudden, I felt myself being pulled and turned over. I felt someone blowing into my mouth. I felt hard edges on my back, then pressure, so much pressure on my chest. I started to cough, the water pouring out of my mouth. I was in pain: my lungs, my chest, my back, all hurt. I was coughing, my throat burning. I opened my eyes, and I saw Arnold, soaking wet, looking down at me.

  He pulled me out of the pool. He stopped me from drowning.

  “Why, why the fuck did you do that? Why, Arnold, why pull me out?” He looked at me in fury.

  “Fuck, Theon, you almost died, you ass. Don’t you think it’s bad enough we lost our fucking daughter today without losing you as well, you selfish prick? Who would look after your babies then? How fucking selfish can you be? Your babies just lost their fucking mother, and you were gonna let them lose their daddy as well.” At that moment, him shouting at me, I felt so ashamed of myself. Ashamed I could do something like that. Ashamed I was so weak. But I couldn’t live without her.

  “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, I’m, I’m —” I couldn’t take in breath quickly enough, the burning in my throat and lungs hurts so
bad, “so, sorry. I’m sorry,” I chant, over and over still trying to take in air. I coughed more and held my head in my hands.

  “I wasn’t thinking about anyone else,” I sobbed and gulped in air. “I can’t live without her …” He grabbed me and pulled me to him. He was sitting on the top step of the pool, submerged in water, crying, hugging my head to his chest and rocking me back and forth like I’d done to Evelyn.

  “Oh god, Theon. I know son, I know. That’s my little girl. She’s gone.” He’s sniffling and crying into my head. It’s a comfort for us both. We’d both lost her. It hurt so much. I couldn’t feel any physical pain because of the broken heart in my chest. We stayed like that for a while, rocking on the top step of the pool, both soaking wet, shivering and both heaving, trying to catch our breath.

  “Come on, son, let’s get inside and get dry. I think we both need a stiff drink.” He helped me inside through the back. I stood in the kitchen, just frozen, Evelyn was everywhere.

  “I can’t do it, Arnold, she’s everywhere I look.”

  “You can, son, let’s get dry. With dry clothes on, you can pack a bag and come to stay with us for a bit while we work out what to do.” He had his hand on my shoulder, and he had stooped to look me in the eyes, but I had my head down.

  “We can do this, son. We have to. You have two babies that need you.”

  “NO!” I shout. I hadn’t even thought of them. He leaned back, startled at my reaction.

  “What do you mean, no?”

  “No, I can’t look after them. This is their fault. She died because of them, Arnold. I can’t look at them without thinking what they did to her. THEY.FUCKING.KILLED.HER!” I shouted right in his face. He slapped my face hard. I didn’t feel it, but my head jerked to the side.

  “Stop with that shit. Theon. They didn’t kill her. It’s not their fault. They just lost their fucking mother. You can’t blame them for this.”

  “Watch me,” I said and stormed up the stairs to our room. I froze at the door to our bedroom. It was a mess from the paramedics being here earlier. Earlier … it seemed like fucking years ago. I moved slowly into the room and to my wardrobe to grab some dry clothes. I didn’t even look at what I got. I just grabbed a bag and shoved what I could inside it. I wandered slowly over to the bathroom, trying not to look at the bed, but my eyes drifted there — to Evelyn lying there in pain. I stood and stared at the bed. I needed to picture us, and all the love that we shared in that bed. I needed the good images not the bad. I fell to my knees again, crying. I heard Arnold moving downstairs, and it made me get up and go into the bathroom where I stripped my wet clothes off and toweled myself dry before dressing in fresh clothes. I grabbed my toiletries and threw them into the bag. I literally ran out of the bedroom and down the stairs. I at the front door before I knew it. Arnold opened the door.