by Saurav Dutt
*
Amanda brushed the specks of rain away from her forehead. As Billy raised the umbrella above her head, she clung firmly onto his arm and looked up at him. “One day you just don’t have to turn up” she said as he glanced at her “send the message out loud and clear to him...what you want comes first”
“I see how disappointed he is” Billy sighed, taking a drag from a cigarette before tossing it aside as they moved across the damp pavement outside her house towards her driveway “when I hit the gym, when I fight, something lights up in his eyes..I know he lives for it..when I lose, when I don’t try hard enough..it’s like he’s running down harder on himself ‘cause of me”
“Your dad chose his own path” Amanda replied as she turned the key in the front door lock, beckoning him inside as she switched on the landing light “he can’t blame you for not making it, and you don’t owe it to yourself to follow in his footsteps..unless you want to”
“I don’t..” Billy sighed “..but I’d rather have him cheering me on, training with me…than drinking his life away, I can’t leave him..Mum’s not coming back, and he don’t accept it..”
As they made their way upstairs to Amanda’s room, Billy heard the sound of his mobile phone buzzing in his back pocket knowing full well who it was. He took it out and threw it aside as he embraced Amanda and kissed her gently, locking her lips into his as he reached up and placed his hands on her chest. Still the phone buzzed.
“Shouldn’t you get that?” Amanda asked, looking up at him as he shook his head slowly from side to side.
“Missing one day at the gym ain’t gonna kill me, I don’t give a shit what he says..” Billy smiled as he carefully peeled her cardigan away from her shoulders and leant in to kiss her.
As she wrapped her hands around his waist and kissed his lips, she heard the phone vibrate. “It must be your dad, something might be wrong” she protested as Billy looked away.
“Something’s always fuckin’ wrong..” he scowled, marching over to pick up the phone, running his finger across the buttons, he noted the voicemails and column of unread messages. He turned the phone off, tossed it away and yanked his t-shirt off, carefully approaching Amanda as she did the same.
As they lay down onto the bed, Billy found himself looking away. His shoulders tense, as his face became pinched with worry he coiled his fists and rolled onto his back, letting out a deep sigh.
“Just call him back…” Amanda whispered as she placed her hand within his, stroking the hand across a barbed wire tattoo wrapped around the curl of Billy’s knuckles.
“Y’know I remember the first time I won a proper fight” Billy shook his head “I had just turned 18, it was at Repton…the crowd just roared as the ref waved his hands and the fight was over. The other guy couldn’t rise from the mat. I was just standing there and then my glove was grabbed and just thrust up in the air…it was so fucking weird, my knee hit the ground and I found myself praying. I felt like I could run 1000 miles without stopping. Dad jumped in the ring, grabbed my hand, wrapped his arms around my neck…I’d never seen him that happy, I felt powerful..invincible”
“…and I’ve seen you when you’ve lost..” Amanda cut in, sliding over to rest her head on his chest “..you’re more worried about whether your Dad saw you lose than if the other guy beat you up, it just shows..you’re only doing it for him..”
“Olympics…” Billy scoffed “..he’s having a laugh, what a bleedin’ joke…but he don’t realise it babe, he actually thinks this is all legit..like I’m gonna go win some medal or something..I know I’m not good enough”
“Don’t say that”
“Nah…I know it, I’ve always known it…you can’t give a boxer heart that much I already know..he just has to have it…my dad has it, I ain’t”