No one knows it’s mine. I uploaded it with a fake name via an independent distributor, and for two dollars a pop, people are purchasing it. I don’t even know how they found it. I guess it’s just one of those ‘right place at the right time’ type of things.
The track is just basic piano and my voice. I think it would be much better with strings, but I didn’t have the contacts nor did I have the inclination to make that happen. I wrote it to try to lift that weight from my chest, and when writing didn’t alleviate the ache, I recorded it and uploaded, hoping that sending it out into the world would help me let go.
It hasn’t. I still miss him. I still search for him online. I feel like a stalker. But most of all, I feel cut off. There are no recent photos of him. None at all. And I don’t know why. He’s supposed to be touring soon…
Marcus
“Oh no. no, no, no, no. She’s going to hate me. What the fuck!” I yell at the television as I watch a press conference led by fucking Craig. If this is Karen’s idea then she’s on my shit list too. How could they do this?
They’re offering a reward to anyone who can find Lisa. The prize is a round-the-world trip, touring with me and the band. All access. I seriously feel like my head is going to explode.
To prove how distraught I am, they’re showing the security footage of me losing my shit in the lift on the day she left. They’re announcing that a website and hotline has been set up for anyone who has information on her. I’m going to kill Craig for this.
“What is it, Marcus?” my mother asks from behind me. She’s dropped over to bring me a casserole to make sure I eat something. She thinks I’m too thin.
“My manager has just made sure that Lisa will never speak to me again,” I say, throwing the television remote with a thud against the leather of the couch.
Her mouth drops open as she sees the hotline number and website scroll over the TV screen again. “Oh dear. This isn’t good.”
“I know.” I grab my phone and punch in Karen’s number straight away. I need her to put a stop to this.
But she doesn’t answer. After five times, she doesn’t answer. I think they’re using my own game against me.
Lisa
Once every two weeks, I take a trip into the nearest town and pick up some food and supplies. It’s the only time I have access to the mobile phone network as my house isn’t close enough to a cell tower. So this is when I check my messages.
In the beginning, there were messages from everyone. My boss, Sandra and my brothers, even Erin the receptionist called a few times. There would be interview requests and a few random people who managed to get a hold of my number. There were even a few calls from my father and a couple from my mother. They weren’t really checking after my welfare; they were just calling because I guess they felt that had to…
Most of the calls I get are from Marcus. Each time, he asks me to call him back; he tells me he’ll keep on ringing, that he’s not going to give up. I love you.
Hearing his voice makes me smile, and I want to call him back, but I stand my ground. When he goes on tour, he’ll calm down I’m sure. It’s hard to ignore him, but I still feel as though I’m doing the most logical thing for us. His manager dropped the charges and his record label isn’t suing. He’s writing music, and he’s getting on with things. Just like I knew he would.
Still, I look forward to his calls. My favourite messages are when he talks to me about new lyrics he’s written. He never sings them to me, but he reads them out like poetry and sometimes shows me the music that will go with them.
When he leaves those messages, I save them, and play them over and over again so I can feel close to him.
I was a selfish man
Doing anything I wanted, a man trying to have fun
I wouldn't do any of it
I’d give it all up,
I’d give my wealth away
If I knew there was a chance
That I could make you stay
Now, I know it pains you
To think the one you love
Could possibly hurt you
I wouldn't do any of it
I’d give it all up,
I’d give my wealth away
If I knew there was a chance
That I could make you stay
baby, please
Can we put the crap behind us
Can we go somewhere that no one’s gonna find us
I know you think I’ll leave
But I’m begging you to believe
If only we could turn back time
Erase every nasty thing we’ve done,
Every fucked up crime
I wouldn't do any of it
I’d give it all up,
I’d give my wealth away
If I knew there was a chance
That I could make you stay
He says he wants to call that song ‘If Only’. It sounds beautiful when he reads it, so I wish he’d actually sing it to me. Although, I guess I’m just going to have to wait for the single to release like everyone else in the world.
I think about Marcus’s songs as I stroll through the centre of the busy city park. There are people dotted about on the grass, reading books, having a cigarette break, or they’re exercising or walking a dog like I am.
I always take Perry with me into town because it takes most of the day for me to drive here and back. While I’m running errands, I book him into the dog groomers and when we’re done, I take him for a walk in the park to tire him out before we drive home.
I’ve had my hair styled in a short red bob and I’m wearing sunglasses. The funny thing about being known by the media means that generally, if someone recognises you, they just look at you like they know you and shrug it off when they can’t place your face straight away, and I don’t stay anywhere or make conversation for long enough to give people time to figure it out.
I remember the day I went up to Katoomba with Marcus; we sat out on the footpath of that café and no one paid us any mind because they weren’t expecting to see him there. As I found the last time I disappeared, you can hide in plain sight as long as you choose a place that isn’t frequented by those looking for you.
Perry does his usual sniff and pee thing, and I stand by and wait for him to be ready to move on. A woman comes running along the track with her long blonde hair pulled into a high ponytail. I’ve seen her a few times before. She’s almost the spitting image of Sandra and I look away every time I spot her in the distance.
I feel terrible that I never called Sandra to explain. I wanted to tell her everything; I wanted to explain. But in the end, I felt that cutting all ties would be best. Any link to my life as Lisa Russell or Leisel Marx would ultimately call everything back to me. I needed a clean break. New state, new life, new name… I go by Elizabeth Mackay now.
I’ve done everything different this time. I’ve kept to myself, I haven’t made friends, and I haven’t gone out into the workforce. I have plenty of money, anyway. Not only am I independently wealthy from my music career, I have a trust fund that was released to me when I was twenty-one. I refused to touch the money unless I needed to. Now, it’s what I’m living off, and if I’m careful, it will last me a very long time.
The runner comes closer and I turn to glance at her as she passes, but this time, her eyes meet mine and her head cocks a little to the side. She stops and pulls the buds of her headphones from her ears. Out of them, the familiar tune of Marcus’s song ‘He’ll never be me’ spills out.
“Oh my god. You’re her aren’t you?” she says.
I take a step back and shake my head, trying to stay calm. This is just an odd coincidence. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She smiles. “The whole country is looking for you. There’s a prize being awarded to whoever finds you.”
I look around the park and notice more than a few people milling around, pulling their phones out and snapping shots of me, others just ignore me and go about their business
.
“A p-prize?” I stutter.
Nodding, she beams then leans in next to me and quickly snaps a shot of the two of us together. “I think I just won it.”
She stands in front of me, tapping away at her phone feverishly while I shake my head in disbelief. This is not happening. Not again. Not this soon.
Furious, I grab her phone from her hand. “Hey! What the hell are you doing?” she yells as I hurl her phone into the distance before I turn and tug on Perry’s lead, walking as fast as I can to the car. I search my name online, finding a competition offering an around the world tour for anyone who can find me. There are even mock-up photos of me with different hairstyles. He’s put a bounty out on me. Turning the key in my ignition, I pull out onto the main road. I don’t give a fuck about my groceries. I’m going to drive all night if I have to.
Someone needs a good slap in the face.
Twenty
Marcus
For two days, I haven’t been able to get in contact with either Craig or Karen, and no one else at the label seems to be getting any of my messages to them. I’m becoming increasingly irate and frustrated, as I just know that the moment Lisa is found, she’s going to blame me for this.
“You’ll end up having a stroke if you keep freaking out like this,” Naomi says from where she’s sitting on the couch watching me pace.
Theo stands not far from me, also watching with his hands on his hips. He has plenty of experience dealing with the media, so he’s been trying to figure out a way for me to stop this. “I think you should call your own press conference.”
“I can’t. Anything the label hasn’t sanctioned violates my contract,” I reply.
“Do you care though? I mean, you’re in this position because you’re refusing to honour it and go on tour right?”
“I said I wouldn’t go unless they found her,” I admit.
“So really, you asked for this,” he says, laughing as he shakes his head.
Naomi adjusts herself on the couch before speaking. “Surely there’s something that says that they can’t violate your personal life. Because what they’re doing right now can’t be legal…can it?” she asks, looking from me to Theo.
“I have no idea,” I say, pausing my pacing.
“Well, that’s maybe one way we could get them to back off you. Claim personal distress or something. They can’t ruin you if they’ve wronged you. I’m going to make a few calls and see what we can come up with,” Theo says as he heads for the lift with Naomi following.
I walk with them. “If we can figure out a way to force them to terminate my contract, I’ll be glad,” I say, giving them both a hug before Theo steps hits the button on the lift.
He’s about to say something else but he pauses and tilts his head, listening. “Is that a dog barking?”
Naomi leans forward. “It sounds like it’s coming from the elevator shaft.”
All three of us listen at the doors. “See? There it is again,” Theo comments. “It’s not a little dog either. Who the hell brings a big dog into an apartment building?”
As if in answer to his question, the lift doors ping and open, revealing a very pissed off looking Lisa with Perry by her side. “Lisa,” I breathe, so happy to see her that I don’t even notice her hand swing back until it slaps across my face.
“You arsehole!” she screams, just as Perry breaks free from her grasp and jumps at me with such force it sends me toppling onto the floor, landing with a thud on my backside.
Perry stands over me, his tongue lapping at my face in excited doggy kisses as his tail flicks from side to side ecstatically. Despite being slapped in the face, I’m as happy as this dog is. She’s back. I start laughing.
Lisa stands beside me with a look of fury upon her face and her hands on her hips. “Explain yourself, Marcus,” she demands.
Still laughing, I reach out and grab her arm, pulling her down on to my lap.
“Fuck I’ve missed you,” I say before crashing my mouth against hers. At first, she tries to fight me but after a couple of beats, she gives in, sliding her arms around my neck and threading her fingers into my hair.
Not willing to be ignored, Perry decides he should be in on the action too and starts to attack our faces with his tongue and his dog breath. We pull apart, laughing before locking eyes and just letting our souls reconnect.
Theo clears his throat. “Well…I’m sure you two have a lot to talk about. We’ll get going.”
“I’m so glad you came back, Lisa.” Naomi smiles, lightly touching Lisa on the shoulder as she and Theo disappear into the lift.
My focus stays on Lisa where she still sits on my lap. Perry has decided to lie on the floor beside us after he realised we aren’t getting up to play with him.
“I promise you, it wasn’t me,” I whisper, cupping her face in my hands while looking her directly in the eye. I want her to see the truth in my expression.
Closing her eyes, her breath catches with emotion as her hands reach up to grip my wrists.
“Then who?” she asks.
“Craig and Karen. Neither of them are taking my calls to explain either.”
“But why? Why would they do that?”
I run my fingers down the length of her now auburn hair. She’s cut it much shorter than it was and it frames her face perfectly. She’s even more beautiful now than she was before.
“Because I was refusing to work unless I found you.”
“Marcus,” she whispers. “You’ll ruin your life if you keep this up.”
I slide my hand around the back of her neck, my thumb moving against her delicate skin. “It was ruined the moment you walked out.”
“Marcus.” Tears fill her eyes. “I did it because—”
“I know why you did it. You were trying to protect me from a lawsuit and a life spent worrying we’ll be recognised.”
“You’ve worked too hard to lose everything.”
My grip on her neck tightens as I pull her closer, inhale deeper, needing her scent in my lungs. “Don’t you think that decision was mine to make? I told you I was happy to walk away. I told you I didn’t want it if I couldn’t have you. Why didn’t you believe me?”
“I did,” she gasps, blinking rapidly as her tears fall. “I believed every word. But sacrifice breeds resentment. And I couldn’t bear the thought of what we have turning into that. God, my whole life I’ve witnessed one fucked-up relationship after another, and they all started out loving each other. I love you too much to watch you come to hate me.”
“Well, in my life, I’ve witnessed people who are willing to set the world on fire if it means being together. My parents gave up everything for a new life in this country. My brother went to war with me to have the woman he loves. Even my grandparents had to fight to be together. I come from a long line of men who fall hard and fight for their love. So I need you to believe me when I tell you my decision was made with a pure heart. I could never resent you. I can never stop loving you. And if you run again, I will never stop chasing you.”
She gasps and whispers my name and I lean in closer, lining my face up with hers. “Let me love you.” I release a strained whisper. “Let me make you my world. It’s all I want.”
Her arms slide over my shoulders and wrap around my neck as she nods. “I want that too.” Relief floods my veins and I press my demanding mouth to hers, kissing the life out of her because I’ve missed her so much I ache. “But, Marcus,” she says when our lips part.
“Lisa.” I gather her in my arms and stand. “I’m gonna need you to shut the fuck up for a while. I’ve just had three months without you and we have a lot of fucking to do. We can talk more later.” Making it into my room, I kick the door closed and deposit her on my bed.
“Fine.” She giggles a little as I climb over her, lifting her shirt to trail the tip of my tongue across her belly. “But do you think we could make love first?”
I move higher and lower my mouth to her ear. “It was always making love, baby. I
just love you harder than most. Can you handle that?” I press my erection into her thigh and she moans.
“Yes.”
“Say it.”
“I want you, Marcus. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Twenty-One
Lisa
When I finally wake, it’s almost 10am. Poor Perry must be dying to be let out. I sit up abruptly, dreading that there’s a horrible mess in the living areas for me to clean up.
“I already took him out,” Marcus mumbles from beside me, his arm reaches out and wraps around me, pulling me back on the bed so I’m nestled against him.
“You did? When?”
“At about six. He was scratching at the door. You were fast asleep, so I took him outside, let him do his business, gave him some water and some leftovers from the fridge.”
I smile and let out a contented sigh. “You are a one special guy, my love.”
“That’s what Mamma always told me,” he replies, taking a deep breath before letting his eyes fall closed again. Within seconds, his breathing evens out and I can’t help but smile to myself as I snuggle against him.
He would break out of Heaven to get back to my mum if he left this world before her.
Sandra’s words jump forward in my mind as I take in his resting form, truly believing he’d do the same for me. That’s true love right there. I think he would do anything for me and be a happy man doing it. He’s amazing.
Still, I’m struggling with the idea that he needs to give everything up for me or I need to give everything up for him. Despite my leaving, he’s still refusing to honour his contract even though he remained with his label. We’re really no better off than we were before. There has to be some middle ground.
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