by Amy Richie
“Are you coming?” Sasha asked, rising to her feet as well.
“I'll be in soon,” I assured her. “I'll just find Dais first.”
“I tucked him into bed a while ago,” she sighed. “Sit out here as long as you need to.”
I nodded, grateful for her understanding, but she might not have seen the gesture. She was already making her way downstairs.
I had never been one to waste time crying. The last time I had really given in to my tears was the day Dais was born. Tears didn't change things—I had realized that early on.
Even now, when I found myself sadder than I could remember since my parents died, my eyes remained dry. Only the ache in my chest signified the depth of my grief, and I could easily hide that.
“Have you been sitting here the whole day?” a familiar voice asked. Cyrus squatted beside me.
“Y ... yes.” I dropped my eyes to stare at my entwined fingers.
“Have you eaten?”
“This morning.”
“And nothing since?”
“I wasn't hungry.”
“Are you now?”
“No.”
“It's been a hard day,” he finally said after a moment of awkward silence.
“Yes.” There was no denying that.
“There were no survivors on Rivend,” he said as he lowered himself until he was seated on the hard wooden planks of the ship deck.
“Empty?”
“Same as the others,” he nodded heavily.
How many cities was that now that had been emptied? What or who could be responsible?
“The baby,” I watched as he ran one thick finger across his bottom lip. “I'm sorry about the baby.”
My eyes widened slightly with the shock of his words. “It wasn't your fault,” I reminded him. What did he have to be sorry about? He wasn't even here. Or was he even talking about Angelina's baby?
“I know it wasn't my fault, but I'm sorry that you're so sad.”
“Why?”
He chuckled lightly, a short explosive sound that he sucked back in right away. “Has no one ever been sorry that you were sad?” he asked with a lined brow.
I blinked rapidly, trying not to stare openly at him. This was obviously something I should have understood, but I didn't know what he meant. Why would anyone be sorry that I was sad? It was a part of living—being sad and being happy. Did Cyrus apologize for the way people felt? Why?
“No,” I shook my head, “I don't think so.”
“Have you ever been sorry that someone was sad?”
“No,” I shook my head again. “Well,” I quickly corrected myself, “once.”
“Only once?” he grinned. “When was this ... special occasion?”
“It was the first year I worked for the doctor.”
“After your husband was killed?”
“Yes.”
“What happened?”
“The first woman I was put in charge of ... Shona ...” my voice caught slightly as a fresh wave of memories washed over me.
“Shona,” Cyrus repeated the name in a low voice.
“Her baby was born dead.”
“Of course,” he said at once, “you would be sorry she was sad. But surely hers wasn't the only baby you lost on Ortec?”
“No.”
“Then why did you feel that way only for her?”
“Because ...” My tongue slid out to glide along my bottom lip. Should I tell him what I had done? What would he say? Would he begin to hate me too? “Because I killed her baby.”
His head jerked back. “What?”
“I was pregnant then too,” I hurried to explain, “and they would only allow two boys to stay in Ortec that year. I knew my best chance would be if something happened to one of the other babies.”
“You didn't ...” his eyes widened, “what did you do?”
My shoulders drooped in shame. “I secretly wanted something to go wrong with one of those other babies.”
“And?”
“And ...” I widened my eyes for emphasis, “something did happen. Shona's baby died—and he was a boy. If he had lived, Dais would have been sent away.”
“So ... you wanted something to happen, and then it did?”
“Yes.”
“Is that all?”
“Isn't that enough?”
“No.”
Now it was my turn to jerk back in surprise. “But you heard ...”
“Wanting something to happen doesn't make it happen.”
“But ...”
“Besides,” he cut me off, “you didn't want Shona's baby to die—you just wanted yours to stay. There's nothing wrong with that.”
How could he say that after everything I had just told him?
Chapter 18
“You didn't kill the baby, Rani,” Cyrus said again while I could only stare at him with my mouth hanging partly open.
“I'm not sure you're right about that,” I argued softly.
“Today wasn't your fault either,” he added gruffly. “You shouldn't have been left alone. If Doctor Gourini had been here ...” his words trailed away into silence.
“Nothing could have been done for Angelina's baby. It was the sickness.”
“You're a very strange woman, Rani, servant of Ortec.”
“Strange?” Yes, I had heard that most of my life. But why would the Captain say that now?
“You take the blame for some of the most ridiculous things that you have absolutely no control over and yet this ...”
“Do you think it was my fault that Angelina's baby was born dead?” I sat up straighter, leaning my head in his direction.
“Of course not. But I would understand if you did.”
“I wouldn't have chosen to be alone when she gave birth, but I did all that could be done.”
He stared at me for a few moments; his face just inches from my own. “Have you always been like this?” he asked softly.
“Like what?” I breathed.
“Strange.”
“Yes.”
I didn't see his hand move, but suddenly his finger was running gently along the side of my face, coming to rest at my chin. Although I knew it was wrong to even be sitting out on the ship deck talking with Cyrus alone, I couldn't stir enough guilt inside me to move away from him.
Not until I remembered Constantina's words to me about embarrassing all of them, and her sneers as she accused me of convincing Avery to change laws. She was right; I was only a servant of Ortec.
“I have to go back,” I stood up abruptly, making his hand fall heavily back into his lap.
“Why?”
“Constantina told me I'm not to speak alone with you.”
“She can't decide whom you talk to.” He rose up to tower over me.
“She is the leader of Ortec. She can decide.”
“Not for long,” he snapped angrily.
I sucked in my breath, waiting to see if he would force me to stay, but he turned without another word and hurried off into the dark shadows. A strange pang twisted in my stomach, an unfamiliar feeling that I didn't understand. The place where Captain Cyrus had just been standing somehow seemed darker than the rest of the space around me.
With a heaviness that I wasn't sure was entirely because of the baby we had sent to the sea, I made my way back below deck. I paused at the door for one last sigh before there was anyone else around me to hear. Sasha had returned long ago, so they were probably already sleeping.―but it was best not to take any chances.
I had just pushed the door open a tiny crack when angry voices floated out to me. I could tell Betna and Constantina were trying to whisper, but they weren't doing a very good job of it. I paused mid-motion, unsure if I should interrupt them or not.
“How could you let this happen?” Constantina hissed.
“There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a mother,” Betna answered back, even louder. “You had two daughters.”
“I am a married woman.”
&nbs
p; “A woman who used her position to move up the list.”
I gasped right along with Constantina. How could Nurse Betna dare to speak like that to the leader of Ortec?
“Lots of women had multiple children. Siblings build character.”
“I wanted the chance to become a mother, too,” Betna cried, tears thick in her voice.
My hand fell away from the door to hang loosely at my side. Betna had never been married; how could she expect to have a child? I leaned in closer to the door to listen.
“When you become a married woman, then your name gets put on the list,” Constantina told her the same thing any of us would have said.
“Marriage was never going to happen for me.”
“You can't know that.”
“I was taken from the orphanage and taught a trade. You and I both know I would have remained a nurse my entire life.”
“That's not ...”
“Look at Doctor Gourini,” Betna ignored Constantina's denial, “he's not married, and he doesn't have children.”
“His brother's boy would have taken over as doctor. There was never a need for Doctor Gourini to have children.”
“No need?” Betna shrilled.
“It would have only taken away from his time at the hospital, where he was needed.”
Silently, I nodded my agreement.
“But what if he wanted a child?” Betna's voice rose further.
“Why would he?” Constantina sounded confused, but an uncomfortable realization was starting to form inside of me.
“Why do you think?” Betna snapped. “Why did you want to become a mother?”
“As the leader of Ortec, it was always understood that I had the responsibility to produce a suitable successor.”
“Produce?” Betna scoffed. “Are you a cow?”
“I'm willing to let your words pass this time, Nurse Betna.” I could just imagine the haughty way Constantina was staring down at Betna. “I understand your pregnancy will make you irritable, especially considering the stress of our current situation ...”
Pregnancy? I pressed myself closer to the door until my face was almost touching the wood. Did Constantina just say Nurse Betna was pregnant? How was that possible?
“I don't want my baby to die like Angelina's,” Betna muttered.
Constantina clicked her tongue. “How did you even get in this condition anyway? How did you get past population control?”
“The baby's father ...” Betna stammered, “he had some ... pull.”
“Who is the father of the baby?”
I held my breath.
“He ... he's dead now.”
“I know that, but who is it?”
“I ... I ...”
“Tell me at once,” Constantina snapped.
“Avery ...”
What?
“... leader of Ortec.”
Chapter 19
Pure shock made my legs give way, and I fell into the door, pushing it the rest of the way open. Two sets of wide eyes swung around to rest directly on me.
“I was just coming ... back ... from ...” I tried to explain over the roaring in my ears, but I couldn't even remember where I had been.
Nurse Betna's words echoed over and over again in my mind. Avery, leader of Ortec—husband of Constantina—had made another woman pregnant. It was hard to fully understand.
Avery had always lingered in the maternity ward, but I had assumed he was keeping watch on me. He had promised to take responsibility for my behavior on the day he let my son and me stay on Ortec. It had been an easy assumption to make. Who would have guessed he was coming to see Betna?
“You heard everything?” Constantina asked with a small shake of her shoulders.
I nodded slowly.
“It works out conveniently then,” she sniffed. “You'll take over servant duties to Betna now that Angelina ...” she let her words die away.
“Okay,” I nodded quickly, trying not to look at Betna too many times.
“I don't need a servant,” Betna contradicted.
“How far along are you?” Constantina asked with a surprising lack of emotion.
“Four months.”
“Does the doctor know?”
Betna hung her head.
“I see.”
I didn't. Did that mean he knew or he didn't know? Betna cleared it up without me having to ask.
“He knew all along; that's why he chose me to go to the safe room.”
“Very well.” Constantina's already thin lips thinned even more. “It doesn't matter anyway. Everyone will soon know.” She glared my way.
I felt my eyes widen. “I'm not ... I won't tell anyone.”
“Yes,” Constantina sneered, “we all know how practiced you are at hiding pregnancies.”
I lowered my eyes.
“But we won't be keeping it a secret. Betna will need to be cared for properly.”
I had to admire Constantina as she glared down at Betna. After everything that had been revealed, her concern was for Betna, and if she felt any turmoil over the infidelity of her husband, she let nothing show.
*****
“I can't believe it,” Sasha shook her head, still vocalizing her disbelief at the news of Betna's pregnancy. “I just can't believe it.”
“It's true,” I passed a freshly washed shirt up to her. “I was there when Doctor Gourini examined her.”
“Four months?”
“Yeah.”
“And she never said who the father was?”
I squirmed slightly under her direct question. So far, neither Betna nor Constantina had told anyone that Avery was the father of Betna's baby. I knew I didn't want to be the one to reveal that information.
“She said he was dead.”
“Of course,” Shasha snorted, “everyone is dead. Except Doctor Gourini and everyone knows that he never wanted children.”
“This has to be hard on Nurse Betna,” I replied, in a hurry to change the subject. “I remember how hard it was for me to have a baby without a husband.”
“It looks like you started a new trend.” Sasha took the wet pants I offered her. “What I would like to know is how she got past Shelia.”
“I don't know,” I mumbled, careful not to give anything away.
“Shelia is diligent about guarding the reversal injection. I don't see how Betna could have gotten it.”
“I got the injection,” I shrugged.
“You were married—and to the lawman. There aren't many with the authority to order Shelia to give Betna the reversal.”
“Mmm,” I shrugged again, letting Sasha talk all by herself.
“I just wonder who this mystery man could have been.”
Any more of Sasha's musings were cut short by the arrival of Nurse Betna, looking harassed and in a bad mood. “I can't take it down there for another minute,” she scowled.
“Are you feeling all right?”
“Not you, too,” she glared at me, her lips jutted out in a severe pout. “I feel fine.”
“I feel fine, too,” Sasha nodded, grinning lightly. “All things taken into consideration.”
“You worked the entire time you were pregnant,” Betna nudged my arm in case I wasn't sure she was talking to me. “And Dais came out just fine.”
“With white hair,” I pointed out.
“That has nothing to do with how much you worked,” she rolled her eyes. “Constantina acts like I can't do anything now.”
“To be fair,” Sasha looked down at us, “Constantina is like that with everyone. She didn't know Rani was pregnant. If she had known, she would have been the same way with her.”
Try as hard as I could, though, I couldn't see Constantina worrying about my baby. He never should have been allowed to exist anyway.
“Well, I can't stand it anymore,” Betna declared, positioning herself in front of me so she could grab one of the dirty shirts from a pile next to me and dunk it into the small tub of water between us. “It's not like
I'm on my deathbed. I'm only having a baby.”
Betna didn't think the same way most people on Ortec did; she had always been a different sort of person. But I could understand they way she felt about work. We had both seen pregnant women come and go; most of them spending their time being served for the first—and possibly the last— time in their lives.
I wouldn't have liked anyone fussing over me either, though. I pulled my hands back so Betna had more room in the bowl.
She smiled for the first time since I had accidently heard her tell Constantina she was pregnant.
Chapter 20
“Angelina,” I began softly, trying to coax the younger woman to wake up enough to eat. “Here, you need to eat something.”
She pressed her lips closer together, not bothering to pretend she was sleeping.
“You need to get your strength up,” I continued in the same soft voice. “I put honey in the oatmeal, just the way you like it.”
In response, she pushed her face further into the uncomfortable pillow.
“Angelina,” I sighed, “you haven't eaten anything today. Won't you try just a little?”
But It was no use. She didn't move again to reveal her face. Putting the spoon back into the bowl, I rose to my feet and fixed the thin blanket back around the grief-stricken woman.
“Did she eat?” Constantina asked in a loud whisper once I had crossed the room and put the still-full bowl on the low wooden table with the others.
I shook my head sadly.
“Where is Betna?”
“Up on deck with Sasha and Katrina.” I had left her there to try and get Angelina to eat; she hadn't taken a bite all day. In fact, she hadn't left her bed the entire day.
Constantina had whispered to Katrina, assuring her that time was what Angelina needed. She would be fine in a few days.
I wasn't so sure. Grief made people do terrible things.
Sasha glanced up when I joined their trio on deck—worry lining her knowing eyes. “Still nothing?”
“Nothing,” I confirmed. “She won't get up or anything; she just lies there.”
“She's been through a terrible ordeal,” Sasha said quietly. “She just needs a few days of rest.”
“That's what Constantina said, too.” I wouldn't say Shona's name out loud, but she weighed heavily on my mind as I glanced from Sasha to Katrina.