by Gail Haris
I shake everyone’s hand. I think I’m in the clear until Martha asks, “So…you’re Greek?”
I nod, but before I can clarify I’ve never spoke Greek or know anything about Greece other than what I learned in a high school history class, Martha jumps into speaking Greek.
“Um, Ma, she doesn’t speak Greek. She never learned the language. Like Bianca!”
Yia-Yia Patty begins mumbling in Greek again. I want to tell Jim that this idea of his may be hopeless and backfire because I don’t think I’m scoring him any points. They’ll be ready to replace me and work even harder now on finding him an honest-to-God Greek girl.
We walk over to the rental car service. Jim whispers to me, “Dex has already booked us two rental cars and a condo in Lefkada.”
“That’s where your family is from?”
“Sort of. My family is from a nearby village in Lefkada but we prefer to stay more in town. But we don’t have to stay there the whole time. We could even go to a different island, just the two of us for a day or two.”
“That would be amazing. But really, I’m excited just to explore any area of Greece.”
“Believe me, after a couple of days with my whole family, you’ll be ready to go exploring. You may even be ready to jump in the ocean and swim to another island.”
“You know I hear you, adrouli mou. And I don’t appreciate what you’re telling this young woman. We are not that bad.”
“Yes, not that bad.” Jim mouths, “They are.”
Dex hands Jim a set of keys. “Bianca, Georgina, and I will follow you.”
I lean toward Jim and whisper, “I thought you said we’re going to an island? Are we taking the cars with us and riding a ferry boat?”
“No. We’re driving the whole way.”
“I can’t tell if you’re being a smart ass or not.”
“Lefkada is an island, but it’s connected by a bridge so we can drive there, sweetheart. Get ready for the vacation of your life. Trust me.”
Easier said than done since he’s already lied to me once.
Jimmy
I’m driving the winding roads around the mountains of Greece with my Ma, Yia-Yia, and Jolene—my fake Greek girlfriend. It’s not the strangest situation I’ve been in, if I’m being honest. Yia-Yia sits in the front passenger seat dressed in all black. She’s worn only black since my Pappou passed away eight years earlier.
“Jimmy, agapi mou,” Jimmy, my love.
“Nai, Yia-Yia,” Yes, Grandma.
My Yia-Yia asks me questions on where I found ‘this Jo’, and what do I know about her and her family. In Greek, I tell her.
“Yia-Yia, she’s a good girl. No, that’s not a boy’s name. You’ll like her once you give her a chance. I’ve not met her family yet. Let’s just enjoy our vacation.”
She continues in Greek, “So you’re not serious? You bring her all the way to meet all your family with no promises? Maybe she’s not the one, then. Maybe this means you still need to meet the nice girl Maria knows.”
“No, no, no. I think Jolene is the one.”
“We’ll see.”
My mother, who has been watching Jolene out of the corner of her eye, leans forward, “Adrouli mou xruse.” My golden boy. “It’s good to meet people. What’s meant to be will be, so what’s the harm?”
“Ah! What’s meant to be will be? So, you can leave well enough alone, then, too? Now I’d kindly ask you to only speak in English. We’re being rude to Jo.”
Ma lets out a huff and crosses her arms. Jolene remains quiet with her eyes fixed out the window. I look out to see what she’s staring at and I’d almost forgotten how beautiful the country is. The mountains to one side and the deep blue Mediterranean Sea to the other. I notice her eyes look heavy. I turn up the radio and let my favorite Greek singer, Giannis Ploutarhos, fill our silence. I won’t bother Jolene because I’m sure she’s tired. We got to sleep on the flight over, she didn’t. It’ll be good for her to get some rest. Sure enough, the next time I look in the rearview mirror, her eyes are closed. I admire her beautiful cheek bones and notice she has a strong jawline as well. Her silky midnight hair has a few loose strands. I feel a sting on my arm and yelp.
“Eyes on the road, or you’ll be looking at her in a coffin.” I flinch at my yia-yia’s harsh, yet valid, point.
“Did you pinch me?” I ask her in English.
She shrugs and goes back to looking out the window. I focus on the beauty before me. The mountains, the sea, and the vineyards as I drive the winding roads.
It’s so damn good to be back in Greece.
It’s late by the time we arrive at the condo, so we order takeout of gyros and souvlaki, and while we wait for our food to arrive, I join Jolene outside on the balcony. She’s standing with her arms wrapped around herself, listening and watching the waves crash on to the beach.
“This is incredible,” she whispers in awe.
“It is. I’d forgotten how beautiful Greece is. We used to visit almost every summer when my Pappou was still alive. He was the main one who wanted to come visit his sisters and cousins. After he died, we slowed down to every other summer. Then my father passed away from cancer.”
“I’m sorry.” She frowns. “Didn’t you say you thought it was natural causes?”
“Well, my aunts believe it was from using the microwave too much. And somehow him using it too much was Ma’s fault. So some of the family believes natural causes equals cancer and others say he was ‘given’ cancer.”
Her mouth opens and closes a few times before she finally says, “Either way, I’m sorry.”
“Thank you. Our last vacation with him was here in Greece. He wanted to see his home country one last time. It’s been three years since I’ve been back. We still have a house up in the village. It’s too small for all of us, though. That’s where Pappou always wanted to go, up in the mountains. It’s strange being back without him. I’m glad I have you here to be a distraction.” I clear my throat. I’m not ready to get into any deep conversations tonight. “Dex rented this place for all of us, but by the way he’s talking since we’ve arrived he may just buy a house in Greece.”
“Would you want a house in Greece?”
I chuckle. “I should probably get a house in America first. Right now I’m renting a cheap place because I’m never home. Even when I’m not on a flight, I’m not home.”
“Why?”
“What’s the point of sitting in an empty house? It’s boring and…”
“Lonely.” Her voice holds sadness.
I swallow and nod in agreement. “Yeah, lonely,” I whisper. I clap my hands and grin, “We won’t get lonely here, that’s for sure. We’ll probably be missing our quiet places after a couple of days of this insanity.”
As if on cue, my Ma yells out. “Jimmy mou! You and Hoelene come eat! Food’s here!”
I cringe. “Sorry.”
Jolene laughs. “It’s not the first time I’ve been called that, but it is the first time with a Greek accent, so it has sort of a distinguished air to it.”
We laugh and I take her hand. “Thank you, Jolene. I’m really glad you came.”
“You know, Dimitrios…I am, too.”
Let’s hope you still are after seven days.
Jolene
Dear Journal,
I’m spending nine days in Greece with none other than the lying asshole pilot whom I stupidly get butterflies every time I look at his arrogant face. Jim’s mother Martha made it clear we’d sleep in separate beds, in separate rooms, since we’re not married. Which was more than fine with me. It was the appropriate thing to do while in the same house with his mom and grandmother. However, if his Ma only knew what her precious golden boy had been doing with me two months ago in a bed…
I wake up to find my journal still open on my bed. I must’ve fallen asleep while writing. Turns out, all of us pretty much slept in to recover from the jet lag, and after eating a delicious meal of eggs, dry toast, and the strongest coffee ever
, we are ready to go out and explore. It’s almost noon, and I’m excited to walk down to the beach that I saw yesterday from the balcony. I knew my two-piece was a mistake when I walked by his grandmother and she made a cross again. Praying for my soul, as well as her grandson’s, apparently. She kept using the word kolo as she hissed to Jim’s mother. I have to remember to ask him what that means when we are alone.
I slip off my flipflops and toss my towel onto a beach chair. As I’m applying sunscreen, I look over to Jim who is holding his towel in front of his swim trunks. “What are you doing?”
“My Ma is on the balcony watching. I’m trying to calm myself down before I lay my towel down.”
I look over to the balcony and then back to him. “W-o-w. You honestly think anyone will be able to see your erection from that far away? Please, I’m standing right here and it’s not really that noticeable.”
Jim chuckles and steps closer to me. “Sweetheart, I was worried about poking your eye out. I’ve calmed down now.”
“Well, sorry I was the reason for your discomfort to start with. I guess I underestimated how you’d react seeing me in a swimsuit.”
I watch as Jim removes his shirt, revealing his bronze skin and toned abs. I’d bite my tongue off before I’d admit how hot he looks right now. I quickly avert my eyes, but it’s obvious the bastard caught me. “Feast your eyes. It’s okay. And how do you know it was you who got me in this predicament? Thinking mighty highly of yourself.”
I arch a brow and turn my back to him. I add a little sway to my hips as I make my way to the water and smile to myself when I hear him groan. That’s how I know.
When Jim and I are out in the water and away from everyone, I ask, “What does kolo mean?”
Jim coughs and bursts out laughing. “It means butt. Where did you hear that?”
“Your yia-yia! She kept staring at me and saying it.”
“Well, you do have a nice kolo.” I hate the way my stomach flips when he says it with his Greek accent.
“I don’t think she approves of my swimsuit.”
He swims closer to me. “I think every man here, though, most assuredly approves of it. I’ll admit that I do.”
“Stop it. You know what I mean. I don’t think she approves of me either. They are probably now gathering Greek women by the droves, and will have them waiting in the wings like a prison lineup. You might be wasting your time by having me here as your pretend girlfriend.”
Jim swims closer toward me and begins to circle me like a shark. “Babe, there’s worse ways to spend my time. Swimming in the Mediterranean with a gorgeous woman who has the most phenomenal kolo is not considered wasting anything.” I laugh and splash water at him. “What?” He laughs.
I swim away and Jim swims after me. We splash and swim around each other. The sun is shining with a clear sky above us and the water is so clear I can easily see our feet and the stones and shells below. This really is paradise. I can’t help but echo his comment as I think that there’s worse ways I could spend my time than splashing around with a gorgeous man in one of the world’s most gorgeous destinations.
I need to quell those thoughts, though. This is for a couple of days…nothing more, nothing less. He still lied. He’s still a pilot. The fact that he lied and is using me this trip adds more weight to my theory about avoiding pilots.
Slowly, the rest of the family comes out to join us. Martha is in the most modest black swimsuit that appears to be more of dress. Bianca is in a one piece with a cute sheer wrap as she plays in the sand with Georgina. Dex swims around a bit, but then joins his wife and child on the beach. Even though I’m here on false pretense, it is nice to be with such a large group on vacation.
“Want to swim out to deeper waters? Maybe let me get you even more wet…”
I bite the inside of my cheek as I turn my attention back to Jim. “Jimmy, dearest, didn’t you forget your mommy is watching? I’m a good Greek girl, remember?”
I laugh to myself as I swim away and hear him grumble in Greek.
When the sun begins to set, we head back to the house. There’s only one bathroom for all four of us, so I allow Martha to go shower first. Yia-Yia didn’t swim today and doesn’t need to shower, so I head to the shower when Martha is finished. The water comes out ice cold. Instead of him being concerned with my scream of complete shock, I can hear Jimmy laughing outside the door.
“Most of the homes run off solar panels. There’s probably no more hot water.”
I shut off the water and step out of the shower. I can wait until tomorrow when the sun is shining again to take a shower.
The next morning, I go to take my shower. The water pressure isn’t strong, but at least it’s nice and hot, so I’m not complaining. I lather shampoo into my hair and scrub the salt from the sea out of my scalp. I lose my balance for a moment when I feel the ground shake. What the hell was that? I hurry and try to rinse the shampoo from my face.
Bang! Bang! A fist pounds on the door so I turn off the water so I can hear. “Jolene, come on! Get out! We’ve got to hurry outside! Earthquake!”
Did Jim just say…earthquake?
The whole house shakes again, causing my shampoo bottle to fall off the shelf. “Jolene! Are you okay?”
I hurry out of the shower. “Yes. I’m coming.” I grab a towel and wrap it around me as I rush out the door still dripping wet with soap suds on me. “Let me grab–”
“We don’t have time, Jo!” Jim grabs my hand and leads me toward the stairs. He lets go of my hand, allowing me to go first down the staircase. We begin hurrying down. I don’t even have time to put clothes on, so yeah, this is awkward. The stairs are marble and I’m still soaking wet, so it shouldn’t have come as a shock when I slip and skip two steps, busting my ass on the landing.
And I’m naked. In all my naked gloriousness, I’m spread eagle on the stairs during an earthquake with my pretend Greek boyfriend. I couldn’t write this story if I tried.
Jim hurries to my side and wraps the towel around me. “Are you okay?”
The whole building shakes again. “Yeah, could’ve been worse. The ceiling could’ve fallen on me.”
That’s when I notice the front door is open. I wish the ceiling would’ve fallen on me. Yia-Yia is making her cross sign again, but for some reason, I don’t think it’s for everyone’s safety from the earthquake. It’s apparently for my naked soul. We get outside and of course, Jim’s entire family and then some are all there. I wrap the towel tightly around me as I embarrassingly look around. It seems that the entire neighborhood is gawking at me. I turn to Bianca who offers me a sympathetic smile. I return with a close-lipped smile, my face a mask of shame, “I was in the shower.”
She nods. “I guessed that.”
I can’t help but notice that Dex will not look my way. I fidget and turn to Bianca again. “I fell coming down the stairs.”
“I also saw that. Are you alright?”
“No. I’m really not. But my pride is wounded more than my ass. Far more.”
Jim grins. “I don’t know why. I mean, you have a great kolo. Hey, and at least you shaved.” Surprisingly, I feel slightly better. At least I was well-groomed when my vagina made her Greece public debut.
I notice the ground hasn’t moved any more. In fact, I don’t think it’s shaken the entire time we’ve been outside. Someone yells something in Greek, and everyone goes back to their houses. My jaw drops. “I almost died from humiliation and falling down the stairs, and that’s it?”
Martha frowns at me, “Did you want destruction? People to lose their homes…their lives? Be grateful that’s all it was.” Ouch. She doesn’t wait for my response.
Jimmy gives me a sheepish smile. “Earthquakes are common in Greece. Sometimes, for the little ones, we don’t even leave the house.”
“I didn’t want destruction… it’s just. I don’t even know. I guess if I’d known it wasn’t going to be that serious, I wouldn’t have literally busted my ass to get out here so fast.�
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Speaking of…I’m still standing out in the street in only a small white towel. I hurry inside and up the stairs. I’m pleased to report that on the way back up, I only slipped once and hurt my knee. But nobody saw my tush this time, at least.
So I’ll take that as a win.
After I get dressed, I go downstairs to find a stunning brunette sitting on the couch. Martha is serving her a cup of coffee and a plate with cookies on it. Martha beams at me, “Jo, this is Voula. She’s an old family friend.”
She looks younger than me, so not sure how old of a friend she is. “Hello, Voula.”
“Yia sas Jo. Welcome to Greece.”
“Thank you.” I go and sit on the chair next to the couch.
“Have you had a chance to explore the country any?”
Before I can answer Voula, Martha chimes in. “Only swimming at the beach behind the condo. Not sure what Jimmy plans on doing with her while they’re here.”
Voula smiles at me. “I was planning to go out this afternoon with Jimmy. Maybe he can bring you along. I wouldn’t mind.”
Excuse me? Martha chuckles and playfully pinches Voula cheek. “You always were such a sweet girl.”
Jimmy enters the room, and his thick, dark eyebrows rise at the sight of sweet Voula. He looks to his mother, back to Voula, to me, and then back to his mother. He’s wearing a light blue button-up, the top buttons are open, exposing his collar bone and part of his strong chest, the sleeves rolled up to his forearms, and dark navy slacks. He isn’t wearing shoes, and I can’t figure out why his bare feet look sexy. I think I was out in the sun too long. He raises his chin and strolls into the room with his hands in his pants pockets.
“Yia sas Voula. Surprised to see you.”
Voula smiles and bats her eyelashes. “I hope it’s a happy surprise, Jimmy mou.”
Jimmy mou! I dip my chin and tilt my head so I can still look up at him and bat my eyelashes, “Jimmy mou, didn’t we have plans tonight? I’m afraid Boula here is in for a surprise.”