by E. E. Burke
His high color faded to dull stains below his cheekbones. “I’ve messed things up for you, haven’t I? Those were your customers, and I drove them away.”
In fact, a whole evening’s earnings had gone out that door. But more would’ve been lost had a fight broken out.
“Don’t waste your time feeling sorry for something you didn’t cause. Who needs customers like them?” she scoffed. “Plenty of other men would love to take their place. Why, I could snap my fingers and they’d come running.”
“Yeah, I bet they would.” Hank flexed his fingers, fisting them, looking none too pleased.
He knew where he was, right? What business she was in? She’d seen customers become jealous when they formed an attachment to a particular girl, but she was sure Hank’s reaction had more to do with Bud’s threats. He hadn’t formed an attachment to her of course. It wouldn’t be good for either of them, and it wasn’t what she wanted. No, of course not.
So why was her heart beating faster at the mere thought?
Chapter 8
Later that night, Hank woke to rattling sounds coming from the kitchen and Bear’s low growls. He rolled over, got to his knees, and put his hand on the dog’s head. “Shhh.”
If one of the girls had gotten up, he didn’t want Bear to scare her.
“Maybe someone’s looking for food,” he whispered.
Earlier, Jolie had brought them a hearty loaf of bread and savory stew. There were scraps from the girls’ meals for Bear, along with a bowl of fresh water. She’d given Hank a glass of wine. He’d thanked her—again—when what he’d really wanted to do was take her in his arms and kiss her. She’d left before he could work up the nerve to try.
The rattling sounds started up again.
Hank tensed. Should he go check it out? Bear had been up and walking a bit earlier, but the dog wasn’t in any condition to confront an intruder. On the other hand, they couldn’t just sit here, waiting for those men to come back and exact their revenge.
A soft scuffling came from the hall, which almost sounded like someone sliding slippers on the wood floor. Whoever it was stopped at the doorway. Then a flickering light pierced the darkness. “Hank?”
He relaxed, hearing Jolie’s whisper. “Yeah, I’m awake. Was that you in the kitchen?”
“I couldn’t sleep so I came down for a piece of cake. I thought you might want some too.” The small light came closer and he decided it had to be a candle. He couldn’t make out much more. His vision was terrible in the day, but even worse at night.
“I’ll put this tray here.” She set it on a low table in front of him. “How’s Bear?”
“Better. After he ate, he got up and I took him out. I had to go out too.”
“I hope you were careful.”
“Always.”
Jolie sat down on the floor next to him, close enough Hank could breathe in her sweet scent. “Milly made a black walnut cake. It’s my favorite.”
“I prefer orange blossom.”
“Is that a type of cake?” she asked in a wry tone.
“It’s sweet and tempting, better than cake, I’d wager.” He really shouldn’t be flirting, but he couldn’t resist.
“Would you like some of this cake?”
“Certainly, if you’ll show me where it is.”
She lifted then guided his hand so he could find the plate. “Here’s a fork.”
“I’ll just use my fingers. Otherwise, I’ll be wearing Milly’s cake,” he explained genially before he took a bite. The gooey icing stuck to his fingers and lips, and after he’d licked them, she gave him a napkin. She met his special needs without making him feel awkward about having them. “Thank you. That was delicious.”
“You’re welcome. I didn’t think about how difficult it might be for you to use a fork.” Jolie took the plate and it clattered as she set it aside. “You inspire me, Hank.”
“With my cake eating skills?” he joked.
“Impressive, but no.”
He couldn’t think of an amusing retort, because he was so surprised at her compliment, particularly after he’d ruined her plans for the evening. In fact, he was surprised she’d sat down on the floor next to him rather than taking a chair.
“I was just thinking about how brave you are.” She stunned him again with another tribute. He assumed she was referring to his crazy attack on that bully. Fortunately, she’d stopped him before he got himself killed.
“Are you talking about when I went after Bud? I was sure you thought I’d lost my mind.”
“Only for a moment.” He could hear a smile in her voice. “I do admire your determination to protect me, also, your devotion to Bear, and the fact that you came out here on your own. I can’t imagine how it must be to struggle with finding your way around a place you’re familiar with, much less somewhere entirely new.”
Jolie had left her warm bed to come down to feed him cake and heap praises on his head? He must be dreaming. If he was, he hoped he wouldn’t wake up.
He’d been restless earlier, worrying that she would want him gone before morning, wishing he’d handled things differently, and wondering how he could make it up to her. “As long as we’re handing out compliments, may I say I admire your courage?”
“It’s easy to be courageous when you have a derringer tucked into your garter.”
“I’ll have to remember that the next time I put on my garters.”
She laughed and bumped against him. As Hank laughed with her, he put his arm around her. When she didn’t resist, he snuggled her closer, and she fit into his arms like she’d been made for him. Feeling more confident, he toyed with a wealth of soft curls flowing over her arms. She’d come to him with her hair down. The thought accelerated his heartbeat. Reaching over, he touched thin, silky fabric. Her robe? He found her clavicle with his fingertips and followed it to the soft dip at the base of her throat, where he felt her swallow.
“What are you doing, Hank?” she whispered.
“Looking at you.”
“With your fingers?”
“That’s how I can see you best.” He knew he was playing with fire, but he couldn’t help it. She’d been kind and generous, even flirtatious, but that didn’t mean he should be holding her and touching her like a lover. He knew full well what he ought not to be doing. He did it anyway.
He shifted his hip and turned toward her, found her cheek with one hand, and brought his mouth closer to where he approximated hers would be. Her rapid breathing helped him find her lips, which parted beneath his.
She sighed and put her hands to his chest. Hank recalled her earlier admonition about kissing not being part of the service. But instead of pushing him away, she gripped his lapels and pulled him closer. Elated, he deepened the kiss. Did the fact she encouraged him mean she wasn’t just providing a service, but wanted him as desperately as he wanted her?
Something had happened tonight when he’d come face-to-face with her reality. He’d been gripped by a fierce rage, and not just because those men had shot his dog. He longed to spirit Jolie away from this place, away from her sordid life, and shower her with real affection. Not the kind that came from a financial exchange. He couldn’t stand thinking of her with other men. He wanted her for himself. It was that simple.
Who was he kidding? Nothing about this was simple. The desire, the emotions, everything all knotted up in his chest, was complicated as hell.
***
Jolie found it increasingly hard to breathe normally while Hank was kissing her. Sleep had eluded her, and getting the cake had just been an excuse to check on him. But she hadn’t meant to stay for very long, certainly not long enough for this to happen. The moment he’d touched her, her willpower had evaporated.
Shivers raced across her skin and her toes curled against the carpet. She ran her fingers across his strong jaw. Bristly and rumpled was a good look on him. She combed her fingers through his hair and lost herself in the delicious intimacy.
The way he cupped her che
ek, with such tenderness, and brushed his lips over hers, back and forth, tempted her to become an active participant, not just a willing one. For a man who’d suffered, as he must have, he’d retained a surprising sweetness, which drew her like a bee to a flower.
For some reason, Hank hadn’t let her pleasure him the day before. But now, he acted as if he was intent on providing pleasure, only his kisses evoked more than just a passionate response.
Jolie trembled at the storm of emotions sweeping over and through her, tearing down walls she’d spent years constructing for her own protection. How easily he was able to arouse her absolutely terrified her. She planted her hands on his chest and turned her face away, ending their kiss. “Hank, why are you doing this?”
He trailed kisses across her cheek. “I want to show you what real affection feels like.”
His plea squeezed her heart. She’d be a fool to let herself fall for Hank. Watching him walk away wouldn’t be easy, and it was inevitable he would leave. One day he’d tire of her, or his wife would find out and put an end to it. A woman like Ophelia Rathbone would not look the other way.
“I know all about real affection.” She didn’t intend to say more, but the pathetic story just poured out of her. “I was in love and stupid enough to think he loved me in return. When he left to search for gold, I followed him out here only to find that he’d already set up house with another woman. Then he had the audacity to die in a mining accident. The same week, I lost the baby I was carrying.”
Jolie turned slightly away from him and buried her face in her hands. The memories had dredged up emotions she’d thought were long dead. She couldn’t keep the secrets in any longer. If she could let them out, maybe she would finally stop hurting.
“I couldn’t go home and face my family, and I had nowhere else to go. One of the miners offered me money in exchange for my affection.” She shuddered as the past barreled through her mind. “Not only did I take money from that man, I sold myself to two of his friends so I would have enough to buy food. After that, it just seemed the only way to survive. So I know what real affection feels like. You can keep it.”
He laid his hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off. She had to get out of here or she’d soon be right back in his arms.
“Jolie, don’t go.” Groping, he caught her wrist. “I won’t force myself on you.”
His willpower wasn’t the problem.
“You weren’t forcing me to do anything. I let you kiss me, but we both know this is going nowhere. If you need release, I can—” No, she was too vulnerable right now. “I’ll call down one of the girls and they can take you upstairs.”
“I’m not interested in them.” He circled his thumb over the back of her hand, a tender gesture. She couldn’t recall ever being touched with such care. Not even the man she once thought had loved her had been so gentle.
Tears stung her eyes and she tugged at her wrist, growing desperate to get away before she broke down and wept.
He loosened his hold enough for her to pull away. “Don’t be afraid.”
If he could detect her fear, soon enough he would figure out the reason, and that would give him too much power over her. She lifted her chin and hardened her voice. “I’m not afraid.”
Light cast by the candle bathed the side of his face and revealed the slight lift on one side of his mouth, a wry smile, which said he wasn’t fooled a bit. “Considering what you went through, I don’t blame you for not trusting me. Self-protection is a powerful instinct. I understand more than you realize.”
“What is it you think you understand?”
“Loss.”
His one-word answer cut through her weak defense and went straight through her heart. She’d told him earlier she wasn’t interested in knowing more about him, but that had been a lie too. Her infatuation fed an intense curiosity.
“Do you mean the loss of your sight?
“No, although that’s part of it. Seven years ago, I was traveling by steamboat from St. Louis to Memphis to marry the woman I thought I would live with for the rest of my life. My father and I were sitting on the top deck talking about my recent acceptance into medical school. I remember the last thing he said to me. He’d taught me all he knew, and told me I needed to learn new things so I could come back and teach him.
“There was an explosion—the boilers blew is what they told me later. The blast threw me clear out of the boat, the force knocked me unconscious, and I landed on the shore. They found me in the grass. My father wasn’t so lucky.
“When I woke up, I couldn’t see clearly. I could distinguish light and darkness, and make out shapes, but everything was muddy and blurred. The doctors told me the force of the blow must’ve caused bleeding or some kind of damage inside my eyes. They thought if I gave it time, my vision might improve. I held out hope for two years. Nothing changed.”
Jolie could envision Hank as that young man: intelligent, educated, with his whole life planned and waiting for him, including a beautiful woman. In one cruel moment, he’d lost a beloved father, his sight and his future. She wiped away tears streaming down her face. “What about your bride?”
“She waited a few months to see if I would recover, then she cried off.”
Selfish hag. She should’ve rushed to Hank’s side. Jolie shook her head, disgusted, but not surprised, having seen that coming. “She didn’t truly love you.”
He nodded. “It seems we’ve both had bad luck when it comes to love.”
They’d both been cheated out of more than that.
Jolie leaned forward and reached over to the low table to retrieve a napkin to dry her eyes. “Your misfortune went beyond losing the woman you loved. You had to give up your dream of becoming a doctor as well.”
Hank drew up one knee, stretching the other leg out, and leaned his shoulders against the settee. He stared into the darkness with a reflective expression. “Actually, that was harder to let go of. I wasn’t sure what to do. I’d lost myself.”
Something else they had in common. That rash, innocent girl who thought love could conquer anything had been lost four years ago. “How did you find yourself again?”
“After my sister’s husband died, she needed a way to support herself and her two children, so she started making greeting cards. I’d relied on her for two years, and I knew I needed to get out and help her. It was nearly impossible at first. I had to learn my way around, and for a time, to depend on my eight-year-old nephew to guide me. Then we found Bear.”
The dog stirred at his name and moved closer, curling up at Hank’s side. Hank stroked Bear’s head as he continued, “He’d been beaten and starved, and it took us awhile to earn his trust. He eventually came around.”
No doubt the result of Hank’s patient determination.
“He started following me everywhere. Then I noticed he would nudge me away from furniture when I was about to fall over it. I thought if he was that smart, he might learn to look out for other obstacles, so I started working with him. We’ve been together for five years. Haven’t we boy?” Hank rubbed the dog’s ears, and Bear licked his hand. “We take care of each other.”
Jolie gazed wistfully at the affectionate exchange. “It’s good to have a friend like that.”
Hank turned his attention to her, and the smile he gave her seemed wistful. “If you had an opportunity to start over and begin a new life, would you take it?”
Was he suggesting she could leave her current life behind if the stars aligned just right? That rarely happened, and it certainly wouldn’t happen for her. She refused to let him draw her into imagining what if.
Much as she might wish she and Hank could run away and be together—and he had proposed no such thing—it was only fanciful thinking. He had to marry a woman like Ophelia Rathbone to get what he wanted. He might be signaling he was willing to take a mistress, which in Jolie’s mind was only trading one form of prostitution for another. If he couldn’t understand how much she stood to lose with that arrangement, s
he wasn’t going to enlighten him.
“Why would I want to start over? I’ve just become the madam here. I can finally afford a nice place to live, good food, fancy clothes, and since I’m running the business, I no longer have to take men upstairs unless I choose to.”
“You chose to take me upstairs.”
He would remind her...but she would remind him. “And you walked away.”
He frowned at that. “You don’t understand why?”
“Not really.”
Hank grew serious, the look on his face appeared almost angry. “I don’t want you to view me as a customer, because I don’t think of you as a whore.”
He was suggesting a fantasy. It would be funny, if it weren’t so sad.
Jolie sighed to relieve the pressure in her chest. “But that’s what I am, Hank. Don’t forget it. Don’t fool yourself into thinking I can be anything else.”
Chapter 9
In the morning, Jolie got up and fixed a big breakfast for Hank and Bear. To her relief, the dog was up and moving around, and showing great interest in a bone she’d saved from the stew. Hank had tried to be helpful, but had ended up overturning the milk and she’d shooed him to the table. After they’d eaten, he attached Bear’s harness and leash, then led the limping dog to the door.
Jolie set the dishes aside in the sink and hurried after them. “Are you sure Bear shouldn’t stay off his feet for another day?”
Hank put his hand on her shoulder and smiled apologetically. “We’ve disrupted your life enough. We’ll be fine back at my room. I’ll make sure he rests for a couple days.”
He withdrew his hand and the warmth she felt at his touch fled. She had to stop thinking about how warm and good it felt when he touched her. His presence had upended her routine enough. If she planned to remain madam at La Maison, she had to commit to what was best for the business.
Still, there was no reason she couldn’t make sure Hank and Bear made it safely to the saloon. “Wait for me to dress and I’ll walk with you, just in case.”