Guilty as Sin

by Rita Hestand

"Your mother died?" He asked a certain amount of compassion in that question.

  "Yes, of small pox."

  "I am sorry. That has killed many of my people too." He told her.

  "Yes, I know, we witnessed some of it."

  "You are right, my people are not happy on these reservations. They like to roam and move about freely. The land is not fertile, nothing grows on it. It is worthless and that is why it is a reservation. The Great Sioux Reservation in the Black Hills was a good reservation and the treaty was a fair one. But Washington broke those treaties when the settlers wanted the land, wanted the gold and silver and to cut down the trees." There was a trace of bitterness in his voice, but she realized he had a right to be bitter about that, at least. Because she had witnessed the starving's, the giving up, she understood what he was saying better than most whites, she figured.

  "How have you survived without getting killed?" she asked.

  "I do not often spend the night in a white man's barn, if that's what you mean." He told her, eyeing her closely. "I am sorry I had to kill your man, but he was no good."

  Exasperation lines her facial features. "He was not my man. I wish you would quit saying that." She quickly corrected. "He never was. He wanted to be, but he wasn't. And after he tried to... " She glanced at him again. "I'd have never married him."

  "Oh, and why is that?" The Indian's brow raised a notch.

  She sighed with frustration. "Because if a man will treat a woman that he is not married to that way, think what he might do, if she married him? Women have little rights with a husband." she told him. "Earl thought of women as property. To do as he pleased with. A woman can live a life almost as bad as an Indian in this country. I do not care to be beaten or accosted to please a man."

  "You are wise for one so young."

  "Young, I'm not young." She frowned at him.

  "No, you look very young to me. You realize, I hope, that he would have taken you, if I had not stabbed him." He told her.

  "Probably, I'm not a fool. I couldn't believe he tore my dress. It was all so wrong. And you're right, my Pa would have killed you if he'd seen you in the barn. I am only sorry you were involved. And I guess, I should thank you for what you did. I can't blame you for running, and if you are fair, you won't blame me."

  "Yes, that is what I do not understand. You had to leave? Can you explain this need?" He frowned.

  "It's complicated." She murmured. "And I don't want to burden you with my troubles.'

  "Well your troubles have quickly become mine. I have shared some of my ways and people with you, can you not do the same? Why are you not afraid of me? This I do not understand. You fear your father, you feared what this Earl was trying to do to you, but you are not afraid of me. Why? It makes no sense to me. I am the Indian. They are both white like you."

  She glanced at him. "I doesn't matter what color you are. It's what kind of person you are that matters. It makes perfect sense. And to begin with the color of your skin makes no difference of who you are. You killed the man that tried to rape me. I'm grateful for that, even if I don't sound it. I've always tried to size people up as I meet them, not by the color of their skin. We had a colored man work on our place once, I liked him too. He was a good man. He did his work and his pay fed his family. You don't look too dangerous. And if you wanted to kill me you could have easily done it back there in the barn." She looked up at his face. "The one thing my father taught me was that Indians were simply another kind of people. There are whites, blacks, Asian, Mexican and Indian, just different in many ways, but still people. Your blood runs red, the same as mine. In some ways my father was very wise, at least until he became such a drunk. He might have made something of himself if not for that. His drinking has ruined him."

  "Yes, whiskey has ruined many people." He stared at her for a long moment. "He taught you to respect all people?" Shining Moon twisted his head, amazed by her words.

  "Yes," she mused silently.

  "Then he is not all bad."

  "He wasn't, when my Ma was alive. He was much different. I actually liked him then. After she died, he seemed to lose his soul."

  "In the bottle?"

  "Yes."

  She looked away, then back at him, all of him once more. "I have been around Indians a lot because of my father's work and I began to see he was right about everyone being people. You eat, sleep and do the same things whites and blacks do. When you first killed Earl, I was afraid at that point. Not because you were Indian, but because you were a man who had just killed another man. Your actions stunned me. I wasn't sure what you had in mind for me. I didn't realize you were so educated either."

  "Educated?" He smirked.

  "You speak very good English."

  "Yes, so you've said. When I learn to do something, I try to learn it well. Still, why did you come with me? One man tried to take your virtue, why were you not afraid of the same from me?" He stared now.

  She licked her lips and shook her head and smiled slightly. "You did not hear him call me Carter's old maid schoolteacher? And you are the one that saved me, not him."

  "Yes, I heard what he called you, I did not understand that."

  "Well, that's part of the reason. I'm not exactly a desirable woman. Men don't fight for my hand, or break their necks trying to court me. Earl's been trying to take me for months. He's a drunk or was. But today he was more aggressive because he was nursing a hangover. And the answer you seek is simple, I came with you to escape of course! I have good reason to escape. And you did not seem a threat to me. I have become fairly good at recognizing a threat. You want to get away, and so do I. Let's face it, you have killed me anytime."

  "Escape what?" he asked his head twisting in question. "Would your father not understand, even after you explained what happened."

  "How could I explain if you were not there. And he wouldn't have given you time to explain. He'd have hung you and not believed a word of it, after I told him."

  He didn't look convinced. "If he has known Indians and accepted them as people. Why would he judge me so quickly?"

  She sighed. "It's simple, he is no longer the same man he was back then. I knew you wouldn't understand. Earl was his drinking buddy. Earl might have taken me if you hadn't intervened. Mainly because I couldn't bring myself to kill him. And the truth is, my father wouldn’t have even scolded him for what he wanted to do. Later, he would have called me a whore, thinking he could do the same." She watched his expression change as she spoke. She hadn't meant to tell him everything, but he deserved to know why she insisted on following him. "I didn't want to tell you this, as I am ashamed of it. I have spent many night awake because of it. I'm tired of living like that." Her voice echoed her feelings. Her face changed too, more vulnerable now. "It is the rot-gut whiskey they drink that makes them act this way. I know that. But I cannot excuse it. Worrying every day what he might do. And then this happened, and it would only make things worse. Don't you see, if a man thinks you a whore, he would treat you as one."

  Shining Moon stared now, his mouth hanging open at this admission. Her admission was shocking!

  "You speak very plainly for a woman."

  "Well, you wanted to know, now you know." She shrugged but didn't look at him.

  "Yes, now I understand. It is your father you fear! Not the law, not me, but your father!"

  "Yes." She said as though wondering how long it would take him to grasp it.

  He sighed now, as though he finally understood. "Then it is right you came with me. I did not know this!"

  She stared at him. "How could you?" she looked at him strangely now.

  "I didn't mean to blurt it out like that. I didn't mean so sound so unfeeling for him. But My father was not always an evil man, except when he drinks. When he drinks, I am afraid of him. After this happened it was like the last straw, I knew I had to escape it all. He'd see my dress, and then he'd see Earl lying there on the barn floor. It wouldn’t be good, not with him hungover too."

  "Bu
t if you'd explained, wouldn't he listen? Wouldn't he care about his own flesh and blood?"

  She shook her head and sighed heavily. "Again, you do not understand the facts. And again, there is no reason you should. Well, to tell the truth," she got up and walked around now. She couldn't look at him and say what had to be said. "He's not my real father. He's what they call a step-father. My Ma had me before they married. She'd been married earlier to my real father, who was killed in battle. As long as my mother lived, life was good. My Pa acted like he cared for me while she was alive, but he didn't. I was too young to realize it was a front for my mother. He never cared for me. And the first time he got drunk, after she died, he told me to my face. He never wanted me, he only want a wife. When she died, things were alright for a while. He mourned her a long time and paid little attention to me. And I understood his pain as I shared it. But the longer he mourned, the more he drank. And the more he drank the worse things became between us. I became his slave once she died and he took up the bottle. So, what happened in the barn this morning only escalated the danger of staying there. And that's why I came with you. Don't you see, if he thought me a whore, and he drank, well… I could not stay awake forever."

  "He is not your real father?" Shining Moon studied on this a moment.

  "No. My real father, died in battle, he was in the army. I don't even remember what he looked like, I was still very young at the time. A few years later my Ma met my step-father and they married."

  "Did he love her? You're step-dad?"

  "Very much."

  "But not you?"

  "It was his first marriage and he didn't want children. Especially one that was not his. It matter a lot to him that I was not his child. It made no difference to me as he was the only father I remembered, and a good until my mother passed. But after I grew up a little and could work as hard as he did." She said so blankly. "I worked hard because I knew he'd throw me out if I didn't. I had nowhere to go. My mother's folks were back east somewhere, and I didn't know any of them. They didn't come to the funeral, as I didn't know where to let them know about it. My dad, I don't know anything about his folks. So, I was alone. But at first, I felt sorry for my step-dad, as he mourned my mother's death so. So, did I. I knew he loved her, and I respected that. I wanted to help him, but I didn't know how, and he turned to the bottle for help. As the days passed, I began to cook, clean the house and take care of things as he had not been inclined to do anything."

  "I am sorry, it is not right." Moon told her.

  "It is life, I accepted it, but when you came along and I knew I'd have to face him about Earl, I just didn't want to be there anymore. I was so tired, not getting enough sleep, worrying what he might do next. So, I ran with you. He wouldn't think such a thing of Earl. They were closer than we ever were."

  "And this Earl, do you not miss him?"

  "No," she sighed with a bit of exasperation. "My step-dad encouraged Earl to come around. I wasn't interested, he was going nowhere with his life. I didn't want a man that would be in a saloon every time he had time off from work. Earl drank too much too. It's why my father liked him so much. He had a nasty temper like my Pa. I wanted something better for myself. I've worked hard and I deserve better from a man. Probably why I'm not married to this day. I'd rather be an old maid school teacher than let a man like Earl have me."

  "Then it is good I came along," Shining Moon nodded.

  "I think maybe it is. I regret that I will not teach school now. And I can take care of myself, but I did want out of there. I'll admit that. And I'll admit, I was afraid to attempt to leave on my own. I had nowhere to go. I know most of this mountain, as young girl I explored it a lot. And the children I taught all live on this mountain. This mountain is my home, and everywhere else is strange to me."

  "How can you, a woman take care of yourself?" He chuckled.

  "I have this," she pulled the gun from her pocket. "I was thinking of using it this morning. I'll admit."

  "That is a gun?" He made a silly face.

  "A lady's gun," she told him.

  "You would think something that little could not hurt a fly." he said taking it and looking it over.

  "If I'm close enough, which I was."

  "Then why did you not kill him yourself?" he asked matter-of-factly.

  She sighed again. "Because, I think too much!"

  "I do not understand."

  "Well, killing is a crime and I'd go to jail if I killed him. I wasn't sure I could get a shot off well enough to just wound him. I figured I'd have to kill him, and then I'd have to go to jail. And now I may anyway."

  "He deserved what he got."

  "I'd like to think that." She grinned.

  "Did you love him?"

  "What a strange question for an Indian to ask. No, I did not love him." She shook her head. "I told you, my father brought him around. I never encouraged it. I want an honest, good God-fearing man, not a drunk. I have had enough of drunkenness."

  "Why is it strange for an Indian to ask such a question?"

  "I don't know," she bowed her head, then looked at him with guilty eyes. "Never thought an Indian was concerned with the word love."

  "You think we have no feelings." He chortled.

  "I have no idea. I've never considered it. In the villages we visited, I could tell the women loved their babies, but the warriors were always so mad. Always thinking of and planning for war. To me at the time, I feared them as they were always angry. My father said it was natural that our government lied to your people and broke all the treaties."

  "If he was an Indian agent, why wouldn't he believe me?"

  "He was an agent, and he understood your people's plight but after he began drinking so much, nothing mattered any longer. He was simply bitter about everything, including the Indians. He lost his job because of his drinking, because one of the chiefs went to Washington and told of his drinking. They fired my father, so he was bitter with your people."

  "That makes sense," Moon nodded now. "We had to fight back, or they would wipe us from the face of the earth. The women did not worry of such things. If you did not love this Earl, why did you not run him off with your gun?"

  She chuckled now. "Earl wouldn't scare that easily with this kind of gun. He'd laugh at me, and probably try to take it away from me. Then he'd be mad because I wanted to use it on him. Like you just did, he'd probably laugh in my face. And, because if I'd have shot him, my father might have taken me to jail, because Earl was his drinking friend. As long as Earl was around my father never bothered me. And I slept better knowing my father was passed out drunk. Earl wanted me, but I refused many times. Most of the time I could fend him off. But usually my father could keep him in line. He would never willingly marry me. And, I didn't love him. I know what men do in saloons aside from gambling and drinking. I've dragged my father out of them many times since my mother's death." She said boldly. "I will not be a whore for any man."

  "Were you afraid of him?"

  "Earl?"

  He nodded.

  She licked her lips and nodded, "A little bit, yeah. But only when he was drunk. He had no sense of morals when he drank. I guess no man does."

  "Then why are you sorry he is dead?"

  She shook her head, "Well now that's easy. But we are going around and around with these questions. With you there, he'd hang you and then badger me and call me names. He would never have stopped to consider or accuse Earl. As it is, he did not see you. And that is a good thing. I guess you could go your own way and leave me now, if you want. I will never tell who killed Earl. Your secret is safe with me." She looked at him with sad eyes. "I certainly wouldn't blame you. You don't deserve to be burdened with me. And it would be bad for you to be caught with me. I know that. I wasn't thinking very straight this morning when this all happened. I'm just now realizing what we've done."

  Shining Moon nodded, but he really didn't understand the logic. "I would never leave a woman alone, like this."

  "Why not?"
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br />   "I admire your bravery. But I don't think even you know these woods and hills well enough to survive. Especially at night."

  "What bravery?" she chortled.

  He looked into her eyes and saw the unshed tears. "To have lived with a step-father so long and survived a man like Earl so long, is very brave."

  "I survived by hook and crook. Pa will be mad, he'll come after me." she confessed.

  "Yes, but you have one advantage."

  "What?"

  "I will not let him harm you."

  "You don't owe me anything." She looked into his eyes and a slow smile curled her lips. It was a beautiful, shy smile. "But I guess I owe you!"

  "I would never leave a woman to survive on her own in these mountains. There are too many things to worry over."

  "Like what?"

  "Mountain lions, bears, outlaws, and even other Indians."

  "I think I can manage."

  "I do not. So, you will come with me."

  They were resting now on a hill surrounded by boulders and rocks.

  "How far are we going?" she asked.

  "As far as we need to. Will your father follow?"

  "Probably."

  "Then we will rest a short while and move on." He told her.

  "Why do you want to get involved in this. I told you I wouldn't tell anyone of you. It is not your problem and could cause you much trouble. Especially if we're found together." She said sadly. "No one knows you murdered Earl but me. No one knows Earl attacked me, and that you did not! If I had other clothes, no one would know anything except Earl is dead and I am not home."

  He stared at her, his eyes searching hers. "You think a lot, do you not?"

  "Yes, most men don't like women that think. I can understand that, sometimes I drive myself crazy with my thinking."

  "That is why you are an old-maid as they call you. Not because of your beauty. You are a challenge to talk to. I will not leave you, though. For strangely I don’t mind your talking."

  "But why?"

  "Because I know the truth of what happened. We are bound, like it or not. I will protect you. I understand why you had to leave your home now."