by M. A. Roth
“No, no, no,” I repeat the words several times, still hopping from foot to foot, trying to make sense of what is happening. My breaths become shallow and I fight for air.
“Bellona.” I hadn’t heard anyone enter, but I turn to find Nierra standing in a pool of water in my chambers. Seeing him makes something release inside me. I cry softly, my hands reaching out to him. “I’m so broken.” I sob and he moves across the room, encircling me in his arms. “She broke me.” My words grow more frantic, and my heart squeezes, as the understanding of how damaged I am fully comes to me. “I’m broken,” I say, again and again. But Nierra just tightens his grip on me, as if I might lose my mind completely if he lets me go. I feel safe and I let it out, all of it. I cry like a child. Nierra doesn’t speak, but he strokes my hair so gently, planting soft kisses on the crown of my head. His kindness makes me cry harder, deeper. I am so damaged, so broken, so vulnerable. So alone. Even being held by someone, someone I love, doesn’t stop the ache inside me. No one knows what goes on inside my head, the things I have done. If Nierra ever found out he would walk away from me. I try to control the sobs as Nierra releases me but takes my face in his hands, but I can’t look at him. “Bellona, look at me.” And I do at his gentle request, but the tears won’t stop flowing. “You know what’s so beautiful about something that is broken?” he questions, and I shake my head as a sob escapes my lips.
“That we can fix it, and put it back together.” He leans his forehead against mine, and the determination in his eyes slows my tears. “Me and you Bellona will fix this, I swear it now, on this very moment of our existence, I will fix you. I will love you. I will never let you go.” The sobs choke me now and he pulls me into his arms while slowly lowering us both to the ground where he rocks me as if I am an infant, letting me release all the pain, all the anger that is choking me, that is killing me slowly. He erases the pain with love, the want with comfort, and my uncertainty of the future with the promise he has just made me. He will never let me go.
CHAPTER NINE
THE BIRD
I was healing slowly after the night Nierra spent with me.
I spent the day in the gardens just wandering around, day dreaming about Nierra, but my mind kept wandering to darker places. I try to pull away, I am determined to turn over a new leaf, I want to be a good person. Nierra makes me want to be a better person and at times when I feel I am, my mother will destroy me again. Today she is sick in her chambers so I will have no disturbances. Leaving the tended area of the gardens I move towards the more unkempt area, and find I like it more; it’s wild, untamed and it feels like I belong here.
Wandering through the grass that grows high I find the most beautiful bird I have ever seen. Its wings spread out the feathers translucent, light shines through. His feathers are so white my hands want to touch such perfection. I want this bird to be mine, only mine. I move closer, its head turns in my direction, black eyes staring straight at me. It tilts its long neck with curiosity, it shows no fear. I move closer and it lets me until I am only a foot away. Its wings whip the air and it rises into the sky. I cover my eyes from the sun, I don’t want to take my eyes off of it. It flies to me and lands at my feet. I kneel slowly until his face is level with mine. I tilt my head to examine him. He tilts his head too. I look straight and he copies me, making me laugh. “Clever bird,” I say reaching out my hand. He moves his wing closer to me and skin meshes with feathers, the feel against my skin makes me close my eyes and sigh. I feel content in this secret part of the garden. As I study the bird it studies me back and I find myself intrigued with him. I lie back on the grass and he doesn’t leave but nestles down beside me. My thoughts turn to the maid once again and all of the people I have harmed. Would God forgive me, was the bird a peace offering from God? I smile at that and decide I will take it as a sign, a gift from God. I leave as the sun begins to set for the night and return to the castle.
***
Each day I follow my routine. I get dressed, spend some time with my father studying. He still drinks but hasn’t hurt me in a while. Afterwards I go and watch Nierra train with Morrick. The more I am around him, the more I fall in love with him. We don’t do anymore than give each other smiles or a gentle kiss on the cheek. But I know when we will be alone I will be able to kiss him. I feel my cheeks heat up thinking about it and find Nierra smiling at me as if he knows what I am thinking of.
Dinner with my mother is uneventful. She is preoccupied; I know her mind is occupied with the tension that sits around the castle like a fog. The people of Saskia are rebelling against my father and more guards are visible around the castle. I hate having every step I take watched. But we are a target from the angry mob who stand up against my father, he has killed some of their own, saying they are traitors, I don’t know if it is true, but my father is mad. I just hope his madness doesn’t affect my life too much.
After dinner I spend the rest of my time with my bird, I name him Donum. It seems fitting as Donum means gift. Me and Donum spend time together and for the first time in my life I tell someone everything I have done. Sometimes I cry, other times I just feel numb. But each day I feel lighter, better. Donum is truly a gift from God, he is helping me heal. Once he has listened to me tell my tales, I give him time and rub his feathers gently, he stays nestled among the grass enjoying each stroke. His head cocks back and I smile, he does this when I rub the centre of his back, just in-between his wings.
“Bellona.”
I freeze and Donum stands up, his wings extend as if he might take off, but he doesn’t rise from the ground. My mother calls me again and I take a step forward, but I am too late, she appears staring at me, her eyes hold more coldness today.
“What are you doing?” she questions.
My heart pounds and I pray in my head that Donum will fly away, but he remains frozen behind me.
“Nothing, Mother.” I try not to look at Donum, but my mother glances at him and then at me.
“A Bird?” A sneer has entered her voice and she takes a threating step towards Donum, but I move and block her path, her eyes widen at my disobedience. She doesn’t speak but seems to weigh up something. “I won’t hurt him.” Her words don’t reassure me, but I can’t call her liar even if she is. I stand aside and let her see Donum.
After a few moments she speaks. “He is very beautiful.” I am surprised at how gentle her words sound and turn to see her crouched down in front of Donum.
“His name is Donum,” I say, surprising myself that I would tell her such a thing. She doesn’t look at me as she speaks. “Donum. Is he your friend?” she questions, when I don’t answer immediately she turns to me.
“Yes mother,” I say and my words sound pleading, pleading for her not to hurt him.
She laughs before standing. “Don’t sound so dreary, Bellona. Dear, dear daughter you sound as if someone died.”
I try to smile back at her, but I know I must look as if I am in a great deal of pain. “I was only going to suggest that you bring your friend Donum back to the castle, a friend of the princess should have a nice place to rest.” Her words sound kind, but her face isn’t. I can’t object, so once again I force a smile and turn to Donum.
“Come on, Donum,” I call and take a step back, my heart breaks when he follows me. He trusts me.
My mother leads the way and Donum continues to follow me. I don’t encourage him yet he still comes.
We enter the court yard and my mother veers off towards the training yard. As she walks she calls five guards to follow, dread pools in my stomach, and each time I look behind me I hope Donum is gone but each time he still follows me.
“A bird is a creature of the sky, Bellona,” my mother starts to speak as she stands in the centre of the training yard, the guards seem to fan out either side of her. “A creature of the sky has no loyalties to us that reside on the earth.”
I start to speak but she holds up a finger, and the gleam in her eye tells me not to speak.
“Birds are
for hunting, eating, killing. They are not pets.” Now she turns to the guards. “Or friends,” she says with a smirk, on cue they all smirk with her. Tears brim my eyes, please God, don’t take him away from me. Don’t do this.
“Make him fly, Bellona.”
I shake my head back and forth at her request and the guards sneer at me again, as if I am a child.
“Please just let him go. I promise I will never go near him again.” And I mean it, I would give him up in order to save him.
My mother takes a step towards me, her head held high. “Now, Bellona, don’t make say it again.”
I turn to Donum but my vision is blurred and I can’t see him properly. I kneel down and let the tears fall, clearing my vision. I keep my voice at a whispered level so no one only Donum can hear me. “Thank you for everything. I will never forget you.” I rub the spot in-between his wings, and he cocks his head back, making me smile through my tears.
“Bellona, my patience are running out, now make him fly towards the castle.”
I swallow the last of my tears and order Donum to fly, but not towards the castle, away from it. He stares at me for a second, a sadness passing between both of us before he takes flight into the air. He is a magnificent creature when he is in full flight.
“How dare you disobey me,” my mother snarls from behind me. I know I will pay dearly for what I have done, but I don’t regret it. Instead I watch Donum.
“Archers,” my mother’s order has me whipping my head around to the men that place arrows into their bows. My mother’s hands grip my shoulders as she swings me back around so I can watch Donum, she moves closer, whispering in my ear, “You will watch him die.”
I scream for him to fly higher as arrows whistle through the air, the first lot miss him and he moves further away. My excitement grows that he will be safe. But the second set whizz towards him, and my heart breaks along with a scream as he falls from the sky, I want to reach him but my mother holds me firmly.
“You go back to the castle and get dressed nicely for dinner with your father and I. We will be severing bird for dinner. Or should I say Donum.” She releases me with a laugh and walks away. I’m not sure what part of me broke, but I’m terrified in case it is my mind.
CHAPTER TEN
THE SECRET ROOM
For days I feel broken after watching Donum die, so I stay in my chambers. I don’t even see Nierra, it is better this way. I love him, and everything I love dies. The Rebels in Saskia grow bolder each day and small attacks strike the castle. Fires are easily put out and servants easily replaced. It’s stupid how they wish to harm us but only harm their own people in the process. I keep away from the politics, once I am kept safe it doesn’t matter.
As darkness comes I finally leave my room and find myself outside my mother’s chambers. I’m not sure what has led me here, but I push open the door without thinking too much about it, and am greeted with an empty room. Closing the door gently behind me, I move towards the book shelf and hesitate. I had sworn to myself that I would be good, for Nierra, as my father’s room was filled with darkness. No matter how much I try to reason with myself I soon move swiftly down the circular stone steps. Straight away I feel an odd sense of belonging in my father’s secret room. I start to read the old books that my father has left lying around, one incarnation I read several times. I feel giddy thinking about using it. But I remember my vow not to harm. I place the amulet neatly between my breasts, just letting it rest there, I am not going to use it I just want to see what will happen. It comes alive, swirling. I wonder if my father makes it come alive, or is it because of my affinity. Now I kneel in front of the altar, my mind wandering to my fantasy of Nierra and me. I smile, thinking of him, my hand moves to my lips. I can feel a blush rise in my cheeks, as my other hand slowly lifts my dress up, my fingers touching my womanly parts. A sensation starts deep in my belly, running up my spine. It feels like nothing I have experienced before. I release a soft moan.
“You are disgusting.”
I squeal and pull my hand away, my face blazing red now as I look at my mother.
“What are you doing down here?”
“I could ask you the same thing, but I can see what you do down here. It is repulsive.” She smiles then, but no warmth enters her eyes. “Nierra would never touch you like that. You are ugly so it’s understandable that you would do it to yourself.” She takes a step closer. “I see the way he looks at you when he thinks no one is watching...” she trails off and my heart slams painfully against my chest.
“What way does he look at me?” I whisper, afraid of hearing it, but needing to hear it.
“The same way everyone looks at you, Bellona, with hate.”
I stand up, but my legs tremble. “You are a liar.”
Her eyes widen “What did you just say?”
“Nierra loves me,” I sound unsure even to my own ears, my mother throws her head back and laughs, tears burn my eyes.
“Why do you hate me?” It is the first time in my life I have asked this question. It isn’t courage that makes me ask, its exhaustion. My mother’s mouth opens and closes, she doesn’t know how to answer me.
“You are disgusting, ugly and hated by all.” Her loud words bounce around the room.
“I just want a mother who will love me.” I pause as tears roll down my face. “Maybe hug me when I am upset.” Then I give a sad smile through my tears. “Or squeeze my shoulder when I need comfort.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Now you want to be treated like a child. Fine, Bellona, I will.”
Anger burns in my veins, pumping my blood fast through my body and her spirit lights up. Tainted, rotten to the core. Why won’t she just listen? “You are a spiteful bitter old woman, who has no one. Your husband can’t stomach you, that’s why he drinks. You only have me to bully. But it ends now. It ends today!” I roar, releasing all my anger and her body slams into the ground.
She is dragged by an invisible force, my anger, until she lies at the foot of the altar. My heart pounds and I feel excitement and delight when she looks up at me with fear shining in her eyes, blood runs down the side of her face. I don’t ponder but grab the dagger slicing my hand and start the incantation that I have learned off by heart from my father’s book. Her body thrashes along the floor but she can’t get up. She keeps spewing her poison but it soon turns to pleas for me to stop as the demons arrive. I freeze for a moment, fear rooting me to the spot, but I push past my fear and continue.
“Bellona, please, please I am sorry.” She is crying hysterically, I have never felt so powerful. I smile at her. “It is too late for apologies mother.”
“Tear her apart,” I tell the demons and she roars in agony as the demons coat her body, pulling the flesh from her bones, draining her of blood. She screams for what feels like forever and I watch my mother die a painful and horrible death.
The demons stop, her soul rises and shoots into the amulet that lies against my chest. My hands tremble, but I close my sacrifice, releasing the demons from the room. My mother’s body starts to crumble in on itself my stomach heaves at the noise of crunching bones, but I don’t look away until all that remains is the dust of her bones and hair. Only then do I collapse to my knees.
I just killed my mother. I laugh as joy swells in my heart, clapping my hands with glee. I thank God for this small mercy. I don’t want to be caught down here by my father. I have achieved enough for today. I clean up the floor and remove the amulet, reluctantly placing it where I had found it, on the altar. When it is no longer in contact with my skin it dulls and a purple stone sits in the centre, not moving, doing nothing. I leave the room and return to my own, feeling lighter, feeling truly happy for the first time in a long time. I know I had promised myself I would harm no one, but she deserved to die.
***
I weep when the news of the queen’s disappearance spreads throughout the castle. My father shows no signs of upset and everyone watches him with suspicion. I, on the other hand, play
the motherless daughter so well, that people only look at me with pity. Nierra stays with me as much as possible. I feel slightly guilty lying to him but life will go on. And it does blissfully. My father leaves me alone. I have no one to answer to. I spend most my time with Nierra and we stay up late into the night talking. The castle is large and most rooms aren’t used so we find a large sitting room, and turn it into our own safe haven.
Tonight I am with Nierra and he isn’t himself, he seems distracted.
“What worries you?” I ask, while looking at our joined hands. Nierra smiles at me before removing his hand from mine and running his finger down my cheek; his touch is gentle and ignites a want in me.
“I fear war is truly upon the doors of our kingdom.” The way he says our kingdom sends a thrill through me, but I hide my excitement and try to behave like a queen.
“But it is only people, no one with training,” I say, already wanting to change the subject. I want to talk about me and Nierra not some stupid mindless servants. But my answer causes Nierra to sit back, and I feel the loss of our skin contact immediately.