I moved closer to the living room until I could see light from the lamp shining on the carpet. My heart thumped and in my brain I counted to ten, closing my eyes only a little bit so that I would not have my eyes closed and could defend myself if someone decided to attack.
One… two… three…
When I got to four, the toilet flushed, and I realized that one of the villains was in the bathroom. This is called a “tactical error” because I did not check to make sure nobody was behind me before moving forward. Hendo taught me the expression and said that Hitler invading Russia during winter was a tactical error too.
I realized that I was stuck between two villains and it was too late for me to get back into my bedroom.
I froze and did not know whether to run forward into the living room to defeat the villains there, or to face the villain in the bathroom.
The bathroom door opened and the villain who came out was doing up the zipper of his pants. It was the Fat Man. He stared at me and froze too. He made the same “tactical error” I had made, and since I had made it first I was more ready.
It was time to act.
I yelled the traditional Viking battle cry, “Tyr!,” which is the name of the god of war, and charged forward, and threw the alarm clock.
He said, “WHAT THE FUCK,” and put up his hands. The alarm clock hit him in the stomach and bounced on the ground, and before I could defeat him with a crushing blow he grabbed my wrist and said, “Calm the hell down.” Then the Fat Man grabbed my other arm.
I tried to squirm free and then he brought me to the living room with one arm around my stomach, picking up the alarm clock on the way with his other arm.
“Fuck-dick!” I shouted.
Gert was standing in the living room. Toucan was also there, and they were standing over a gym bag and lots of papers and baggies. There was also money on the table, and beers.
“I found her in the hallway,” the Fat Man said.
“Come here, Zelda,” Gert said, and at first the Fat Man wouldn’t let me go. Then Gert said, “If you don’t let her go, I’ll break your arm,” and the Fat Man looked at Toucan, who nodded and said, “She’s cool. You’re cool, right?”
So the Fat Man let me go.
“Sorry,” the Fat Man said. “I didn’t mean to hurt her, but she went apeshit and threw this at me.” He held up the alarm clock.
Everyone laughed, even Gert, who isn’t supposed to laugh at me, no matter what. I gave him THE LOOK and he stopped laughing, then I rubbed my arm where the Fat Man had been holding me.
“Fuck-dick.” I asked Gert what was going on. “Why is there all this stuff? And why is Toucan here? Does AK47 know?”
“Nothing is going on,” Gert said. “Go back to bed, okay?” He told Toucan that everything was fine. “She probably just had bad dreams. Right?”
“What is AK47?” Toucan asked. “Like the gun?”
“They shouldn’t be here,” I said. I pointed at Toucan. “Especially him. You said you weren’t going to be part of his tribe anymore.”
“Is that true?” Toucan said to Gert. “I’m hurt.”
“Zelda,” Gert said. “Bed. Now.”
Toucan sat on the couch and patted it next to him. “You.” He pointed at me. “Come. Sit. We need to have a conversation.”
I didn’t want to sit down next to Toucan. A lot of Gert’s friends were scary, but I never worried that they were scarier than Gert, who could be the scariest person on the planet. Gert acted like he was scared of Toucan.
Gert said I should go to bed, but Toucan said not yet.
Gert nodded at me, so I sat down on the couch. Gert also sat down, and on the other side of me was Toucan. The Fat Man didn’t sit down. He leaned against the counter and lit a cigarette.
“You didn’t see the house rules?” Toucan said to him, pointing at the sign near the door. “Take it out on the balcony if you’re going to smoke.”
The Fat Man tipped his head with the cigarette still in his mouth. “Seriously?”
“Very seriously. You don’t like smoke, do you, Zelda?”
“No,” I said. “Not even Gert is allowed to smoke in the house.”
Toucan pointed at the balcony window. “You heard her.”
The Fat Man took himself and his cigarette out to the balcony and shut the door. Toucan put his arm around me, which I hated, since he was not a member of our tribe.
“So, you know that everything that has to do with me has to do with your brother, which means it has to do with you. I have your brother help me out with some things. In exchange, I pay him. That’s what capitalism is.”
“Capitalism,” I said.
“I give you money, you give me goods and services.” He watched the Fat Man on the balcony with his cigarette. He was leaning over the edge and letting ash fall down. “So this is very important. I need to know I can trust Gert, and part of that is knowing I can trust you. Can I trust you?”
His arm was squeezing my shoulders so hard that it was starting to hurt. It reminded me of Uncle Richard on the couch, except Toucan’s grip was stronger. When I tried to wriggle free, he didn’t let go.
“Gert,” I said. “He’s hurting me.”
“Can I trust you?” Toucan repeated.
“You can trust her,” Gert said. “Can you relax?”
“I want her to say it,” Toucan said.
Now Toucan’s squeezing made me feel tiny. I felt like I was about to pop, like a balloon. “You can trust me,” I said, and Toucan let me go. He stood up and smiled, and Gert stood up too.
“All right,” he said. “It was nice to see you again, Zelda.”
The Fat Man knocked on the glass of the sliding balcony window. Toucan nodded and the Fat Man came back inside, throwing the cigarette on the balcony before stepping on it.
“Time to go,” Toucan said. “Gert, walk us down.”
He turned and walked out with the Fat Man behind him. Gert said, “I’ll be right back, just sit right there,” before following them.
Gert was gone for ten minutes. My shoulders hurt and when I pulled my sleeve up I could see the skin was red, like a bruise that was waiting to happen.
Then I saw that I had peed myself. I didn’t notice at first. But between my legs, and the couch under my butt, was wet and getting cold.
Gert came back with a new Reebok gym bag and shut the door. He saw me sitting on the couch, and my wet pants. And I was crying, which made me feel even worse.
I hadn’t wanted to cry in front of Toucan. Now I could cry, so I did. I had peed myself and was crying. Gert put the bag down. He ran over and lifted me up.
“I’m sorry I peed on the couch,” I said, and Gert put me over his shoulder, the way parents hold their kids.
He brought me to the bathroom and put me down. “Get out of those clothes. I’ll bring you some new stuff, okay? They’ll be outside the bathroom door. Get changed.”
In the shower, I thought about how stupid I was, peeing myself in front of Gert, in front of Toucan, who was a shit-heel that I didn’t want to be afraid of. But I was afraid of him. When I came out, Gert was in the living room, with a spray bottle of soap and a bucket of water. The couch cushions that I’d accidentally peed on were by the door.
* * *
That night I couldn’t sleep. The person I wanted to talk to, whose voice I wanted to hear, was Hendo. I had taken his phone number from the library computer and had it in my phone. Going under the covers, I called him.
“Who is this?” Hendo said.
“It’s me.”
“Me who? Oh.” He coughed into the phone. “Man, what time is it?”
I looked at the clock and told him the time, which was 1:32 a.m. He asked me what was going on. I first made him promise he would not tell anyone.
“Yeah, fine. Just let me get back to bed.”
I told him everything that happened—Toucan, the Fat Man, and Gert. The only thing I left out was peeing myself. It was gross and very unsexy. Hendo listened for a
while and when I was finished he asked if there was anybody else there.
I said no. “Unless they were hiding.”
“What were they talking about?”
“I don’t know. Toucan just said ‘capitalism.’ ”
Hendo said he had no idea what that meant. “Did Toucan give Gert anything?”
“There was his gym bag and beer and cigarettes, which are not allowed.”
“Did Toucan take the bag or leave it with Gert?”
I rubbed my eyes. I did not know why he was asking. Hendo said to think, that it was important, and then I asked him why it was important and he said nevermind, which I did not like.
“Sorry,” Hendo said. “I know you don’t like it when people say that to you. Accept my apology?”
“Okay,” I said. “I think he left the gym bag.”
Hendo asked if I was working the next day, and I said I was. Hendo told me he would pick me up and we could talk it over in the car. “Okay? Right now I need to get some sleep.”
“Can you talk a little longer? I like hearing your voice.”
“Tomorrow,” Hendo said.
I hung up and threw the phone at the bed. It bounced up and onto the ground.
chapter twenty-five
In the morning Gert had cleaned everything. The cushions were not wet anymore. When I came out of my bedroom he was waiting for me. He said he was sorry for last night and for Toucan.
“I know you don’t like being in the dark about what’s going on.”
I crossed my arms and said, “Or lying to AK47,” because he had asked me not to tell her that Toucan had come over.
“I don’t like it either,” Gert said.
I asked him why he was still being around Toucan, when he promised he was finished.
“This is the last thing I’m doing for him. Then we’re all done.”
He would not talk any more about Toucan or what he had to do for him. “Capitalism,” I said, and Gert sighed and said, “Something like that.”
He asked if we were cool. I said we were, and he told me he would do some laundry, to clean the clothes I was wearing the night before.
While he was doing laundry in the basement of the apartment building, I got ready very fast so that he would not have a chance to come back and ask more questions. I left him a note saying I was going to work and I would see him later. Since I was going to see Hendo, I wanted to look nice and actually wore my fancy underwear, even though Hendo could not see them, and also very nice jeans that AK47 said make my ass look good. I put on my lipstick quickly.
I met Hendo by the bus stop, where he had told me to meet him. He pulled up only a second after I got there.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey,” I said, getting into the car.
He drove with his arm on the wheel. “Sorry about last night. I was tired. You okay?”
I shrugged. “I’m okay. Gert is being a fuck-dick and a liar. He’s not supposed to be friends with Toucan anymore, and I am not supposed to tell anyone.”
“You’re telling me,” he said.
“You will not tell anyone, though.”
He said that was true. We drove a little while and I saw that he wasn’t turning to the library. I asked him why he wasn’t going to the library. He said he thought maybe I could skip work and we could hang out for the day.
“Call in sick. Have you ever missed a day?”
“No. Never. Vikings don’t break their pacts, especially when it comes to work that is important to the tribe.”
Hendo said that was true, but didn’t Vikings also take breaks for themselves to get rest? Besides, he said, he was looking forward to getting some alone time.
“Right?” he said.
I blinked and looked down, where he was holding my hand and putting his thumb over my knuckles. His thumb jumped over each one.
* * *
I called the library and asked to speak to Carol and told her that I could not come in. Hendo turned down the music and rolled up the windows so she wouldn’t know I was in a car.
“I’m sorry,” I said, coughing. “I am not feeling well.”
I expected Carol to be mad at me for calling at the last minute. Instead of yelling at me for breaking my promise to work, she said it was cool.
“You aren’t mad?”
“Zelda, honey, you’d walk uphill barefoot in the snow both ways before you missed work. Get some rest. I’ll get someone to fill in.” She told me to feel better before I hung up.
“See?” Hendo asked. “That wasn’t so hard.”
It wasn’t hard. But I still felt bad.
Hendo asked me what I wanted to do with our day together. Then he asked if I had ever had sushi.
“Isn’t that raw fish?”
“Yeah,” he said. “And other stuff too. But if you haven’t had it before, you have to try it.”
I made a face and said it sounded gross. “Okay.” He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “What about a movie? Nobody will be at the theater now.”
That sounded better than going to eat raw fish. Hendo let me pick the movie I wanted, so I picked a movie about Spider-Man.
All during the movie we ate popcorn and once Hendo put his hand on my leg and rubbed it. I put my hand on his leg and rubbed it too, to show him that I found him sexy. And then it happened: we kissed.
It was the most legendary kiss I had ever had. Marxy kissed a weird way, and Hendo kissed perfectly.
“Holy crap,” I said.
Hendo said, “Shhhh,” and laughed, because we were still in the theater and the movie was playing and I had said HOLY CRAP very loud.
Then he kissed my ear and my body became water. Hendo took my hand and squeezed it. My neck felt hot. On the screen, Spider-Man hung upside down and swung from one building to another building before saving the day.
* * *
The movie ended at 2 p.m. I did not feel bad about missing work anymore. Hendo kissed me again and put his arm around me while he walked.
“What do you say about going back to your place?” Hendo asked, finishing the soda from the movie and throwing it into the garbage can outside the movie theater.
“For what?”
“I don’t know. We never really hang out alone.” Then he turned to me and got serious. “Gert’s not home, right? Or his girlfriend? Can you call?”
And he kissed me and his tongue touched my tongue and I said okay, I would call Gert.
My heart was beating very quickly. Hendo’s hand touched my knee, and I put my hand on top of his hand and our fingers did a romantic thing where they pretended they were also kissing.
AK47 was driving the bus all day and would not be finished until 6 p.m.
Gert answered the phone and said he would be home by 4 p.m. He was going out to buy textbooks for his summer courses, which meant the apartment would be empty for two hours. “Why?” he said. “Is everything okay at the library?”
I told him I wanted to maybe hang out, after work, and he said that sounded nice.
“Well?” Hendo asked when I hung up, taking my hand.
“He won’t be home until four p.m.”
Hendo smiled, showing me his very white teeth.
In the car ride Hendo kissed me at every stoplight. Once someone crossing the street whistled at us and we both laughed.
Kissing Hendo was more legendary than kissing Marxy. He did perfect things with his tongue. He did not push it too much in, and he tasted good, like gum or toothpaste. He also smelled amazing.
When we got to the apartment and went inside, Hendo took off his shoes. “See? I remembered,” he said, and tapped the RULES OF THE HOUSE sign with his finger. While we kissed his hand touched my neck, behind where my hair started, and his fingers pulled the hair a little bit. That was so good I felt my kneecaps wiggle.
When he stopped kissing me it was like he took all of the air I had been breathing out of me.
“I want you to do something for me,” Hendo said. “Can you do s
omething for me?”
He held on to my hands and stared into my eyes. I felt like I was about to fly away if he let me go.
“What is the thing?” I asked.
“I want you to wait in the bathroom for me.”
“Why?”
His hands squeezed my hands and then he put his hand onto my cheek, making it a pancake that warmed my face.
“It’s a surprise,” he said. “I am going to get ready and when you come out, you’ll be really happy. Trust me. You’ll like it.”
I took a deep breath. He touched the back of my neck so I said, “Okay. I do not normally like surprises.”
“But you’ll like this,” he said. After kissing me again he said, “Just count to a hundred and when you come out you’ll see.”
I caught my breath. “Just one hundred?”
“Just one hundred. After that, we’ll be all ready.”
* * *
I shut the door, sat on the edge of the bathtub, and started counting. My brain was swimming when I thought of Hendo’s muscles and what he would look like naked, and his penis and also what having sex with him would be like.
“Are you counting?” he asked through the door.
“I’m at eleven,” I said.
“Good. Keep going.”
I kept counting and went and looked in the mirror. The person I saw looked very sexy, and this person was me. I went close to the mirror and kissed it and even touched it with my tongue. When I stopped and stood back there was a picture of my mouth and lips stuck to the glass.
“Louder,” Hendo said from the hallway. “I want to be able to hear you.”
“Is this loud enough?” I said, and shouted the number twenty-five.
“Perfect,” Hendo said. “But count slower. I need time to get your surprise ready.”
I continued counting, loud the way he asked me to. He said I was doing well, and that I should keep going, but also to slow down even more.
When We Were Vikings Page 21