by Inara Scott
“It’s not like that,” Zoe said. “I moved on. It was hard, but I did.”
“I know you moved on,” Tess said. “That’s not the question. You can always move on and let your wounds heal, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t pain left underneath. I should know. I carried my mom around with me most of my life, and that pain almost wrecked my chance with the guy I loved.”
Zoe shook her head. “Well, sadly, I haven’t had the chance to wreck a relationship with the man of my dreams. As far as I can tell, the guys I end up with are the ones who don’t want a relationship with me, not the other way around.”
That little cycle had just proved itself again, this time with Connor. But she obviously couldn’t say that to Tess.
“But maybe that’s just it,” Tess said. “Maybe you’re going after the wrong guys because you don’t feel like you’re worthy of a real relationship.”
Zoe stared at her, hearing echoes of what Luke had said weeks ago in her words. “I don’t try to date the wrong guys,” she said uneasily. “I really don’t.”
“This stuff isn’t cut-and-dried. I’m not saying it’s like a black-and-white thing. You’re a pretty amazing woman, but think about how tough you had to be when you’d been cut out of the lives of everyone you knew and loved. I know from my own path that being hurt like that leaves scars, and that scar tissue can get in the way of what’s healthy and real.”
“So you think I’m messed up?” She tried for a laugh, but it stuck in her throat.
“I think lots of us are messed up. Relationships are hard and scary, and it’s a lot easier to accept a lousy one instead of taking the risk to go after a good one.” She paused and touched Zoe’s arm. “And it’s really hard to demand something from someone if you aren’t sure you’re worth it. But you are worth it. I hope you know that.”
To Zoe’s horror, something in those words triggered a rush of emotions that brought a fresh wave of tears to her eyes. “I never thought about it that way,” she managed to say once she’d cleared her throat. “You’re very wise.”
Tess gave her a crooked smile. “I don’t think ‘wise’ is the word you’re looking for. Mutually messed up, maybe? Takes one to know one? That sounds a little closer to the truth.”
Zoe picked up her coffee cup and took a sip. “I just wish I knew what to do next. I guess I should probably start with the rest of Sophie’s email.”
“You didn’t read the whole thing?” Tess pushed the phone toward her. “Take your time. I’ll be right here when you need me.”
Not if you need me, but when. That was almost enough to trigger the waterworks all over again.
Zoe opened the email.
I knew after you left that we’d done a terrible thing, but the worse I felt about it, the harder it got to apologize. So I’m apologizing now. You didn’t do anything wrong, but we were just all so worried about Daniel we couldn’t see that.
In case no one ever told you, Daniel is doing well. He’s living in Arizona, has a partner and three dogs, and sends me a nice Christmas card every year. My mom said she saw you with a hot guy, so I hope that means you’re doing well, too. I wish you all the best, Zoe, and if you ever want to get coffee sometime, let me know. I’d love to apologize in person.
The sigh that whooshed out of her was so intense, Zoe felt momentarily dizzy. Daniel was okay. After all these years, she could finally picture him somewhere other than in that horrible little bedroom of his, crying when she told him she was going to Berkeley. She wasn’t sure what partner meant—was he gay? If so, that might explain part of why he’d struggled so much in high school, and the feeling that something was missing from their relationship even though they’d loved each other deeply. She pictured him in Arizona, walking around with his dogs and his partner, having a good life, and something deep in her heart relaxed, and a rough spot she hadn’t even realized she was still worrying smoothed.
“I think I’m going to be okay,” she said, partly to Tess and partly to herself. “I think I’m finally going to be okay.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
After two exhausting days in Las Vegas, Zoe returned home late on Tuesday night and then worked on Wednesday until two, when she headed to Sausalito for the Bridge Gobble tournament. Luckily, being busy had kept her mind off Aims, who still hadn’t gotten back to her about his decision, and Connor, who had been similarly quiet. She knew the traffic would be horrible, so she left her car at home and took the ferry over. Leticia met her at the terminal in her sleek black Volvo, with Minnie and Clara in the backseat. They chattered about their bidding strategy the entire way to Leticia’s house, and Zoe realized with some surprise that she was genuinely nervous.
She didn’t want to let them down. After all they’d done to welcome her into their group, winning—or at least not losing in a dramatic fashion—suddenly seemed terribly important.
Zoe followed behind the rest of them as they walked from the car into the front hall. The door slammed behind them, and the familiar voice rang out.
“The front door is secure.”
“Thank you, Milton,” Leticia said. She swung around, blocking farther progress into the house.
Three pairs of eyes trained on Zoe.
“Um, is everything okay?” she asked. Her back was only a few feet from the door, but she retreated a step closer to it anyway.
Leticia eyed her down the length of her patrician nose. “Zoe, we have a question for you, and we expect an honest answer.”
Oh shit…
Zoe applied her best courtroom poker face. “Okay.”
“Did Connor ask you to play with us in order to spy on me?” Leticia asked boldly. She crossed her arms over her chest as she waited for the answer.
Zoe glanced from Leticia to Clara to Minnie. Each stared back, assessing. Clara’s gaze held the quiet sheen of brilliance that she often hid behind her veneer of playfulness. Leticia was waiting patiently, with no hint of weakness or softness about her. Minnie’s dark eyes were crackling with energy and curiosity.
“Yes,” Zoe replied simply. No sense in trying to hide anything now.
“I see.” Leticia took a long breath and raised her chin a few inches. “And how, exactly, did you intend to complete your task?”
“You mean other than just by hanging out with you and asking leading questions?”
“That’s exactly what I mean.”
“If you’re wondering if I planned to try to break into your house or something, the answer is no.” Zoe shook her head. “I was here to learn bridge and get to know you.”
“Get to know what I’m working on, you mean.”
“And get to know you,” Zoe said, looking around the circle. “I meant what I said right from the start. I have incredible respect for all of you. Connor was hoping if we played together, I might be able to figure out what you’re working on in the garage, Leticia. I’m not sure why he thought that, other than he was desperate. And worried. But that’s it. It wasn’t an evil, nefarious plan. Just a son worried about his mother.”
Her direct attack seemed to mollify them, and they shared a look around the circle. Minnie nodded. Clara cracked a tiny hint of a smile.
“I see.” Leticia, who had not measurably softened, tapped her foot on the ground and pursed her lips. “And did you achieve your goal?”
Zoe allowed a small grimace. “Not a bit. But I am much better at bridge.”
“You aren’t very good yet,” Minnie pointed out.
“Minnie just means you have a lot left to learn,” Clara said.
“And do you intend to stop playing now that you’ve failed at your objective?” Leticia asked. “Now that you see we aren’t just a group of silly old women you can trick?”
“I never, ever thought you were a group of silly old women,” Zoe said. “How in the world could I think that? You’re a group of brilliant scientists. I’m just a misguided chess player, who, by the way, has fallen in love with bridge. I know you have your quartet and don’t have ro
om for a fifth, but if you ever did need another substitute, I hope you’d think of me.”
“You could probably find a game in the city,” Minnie pointed out. “They’re always looking for new players. Why would you want to hang around with a bunch of old ladies if you could play with someone younger?”
“I lost my family a while ago,” Zoe said. “And I know you all have kids and families of your own, and I don’t mean to presume. But spending time with the four of you has been one of the best things that has happened to me in a long time.”
“You did start this whole business with a lie,” Leticia said. “How are we supposed to overlook that?”
“I can understand if you feel that way, but honestly, the only way I could live with myself when I agreed to do this is that I promised myself I wasn’t going to lie. I swore to myself and Connor, right from that start, that if you asked, I’d tell you the truth.”
“And what,” Clara asked gently, “did you get in return?”
“What do you mean?”
“She means you’re a lawyer. You don’t do something for nothing,” Minnie said. “We want to know what the deal was for.”
“I needed Connor’s help learning guy stuff to impress Aims,” Zoe said.
“He wouldn’t have given you that help for free?” Leticia asked.
She sighed. That day when she’d asked Connor for his help seemed so far away now. So much had changed since then. Yet at the same time, had it really? Was Connor any more open to her now than he had been then?
“We didn’t really know each other all that well. It seemed like a fair trade at the time.”
“And now?” Clara’s expression softened further.
“Is there any chance we can move this conversation to the kitchen?” Zoe asked. “Just so it feels less like an armed guard might appear at any moment to drag me out the front door?”
“There’s no armed guard coming,” Leticia said. “Though Milton had been instructed to deny you further entrance had you lied to us.”
“That would have been fair.”
A look passed between the three older women. There was a pregnant pause, then Leticia cleared her throat. “We are prepared to forgive you.”
“I appreciate that,” Zoe said. Truly, a weight lifted off her shoulders at the thought.
“Mainly because we think you’re smart and we like your sass,” Minnie said. “You remind us of ourselves.”
“That’s incredibly flattering,” Zoe said. “But I’m not sure I deserve it.”
“Probably not,” Minnie agreed, “but you should never turn down a compliment. Also, Shirley wants you to keep playing. She doesn’t enjoy the pressure as much as she once did. She wants to stay involved, but she wouldn’t mind having a substitute for the tournaments.”
“Shirley likes you.” Clara reached out to squeeze Zoe’s hand. “You should probably know that she didn’t approve of us confronting you this way.”
“How is she doing?” Zoe asked. “Any word on how the surgery went?”
“She’s tougher than she looks,” Leticia said. “She’s recovering well.” She cleared her throat. “Now, I said we were prepared to forgive you, but I do have one last question.”
“Sure,” Zoe said, her unease returning at the look in Leticia’s eyes.
“If we showed you what we are working on in the garage, could you promise not to tell anyone, including my son, what it is?”
“Are you asking me if I would lie to Connor? The answer would be no,” Zoe said promptly. “Lying isn’t something I’m prepared to do.”
“You don’t have to lie,” Leticia said. “There’s a big difference between lying and keeping a secret.”
“Are you sure you can’t tell him yourself? He’s really concerned about you, Leticia. Honestly, if you’d tell me what you’re doing, why can’t you tell him?”
“She’s got a point, Letty,” Clara said softly.
“I know it’s not my business,” Zoe said. “But I wonder if you’ve considered how he feels, knowing you don’t trust him?”
“It’s not that I don’t trust him,” Leticia said stiffly. “It’s just that I don’t trust the people he works with. I’ve learned the hard way that people will try to use you. Sometimes you need extra protection.”
“And sometimes that extra protection ends up backfiring and hurting people you love,” Zoe said.
Leticia held up a hand. “Do you want to see what’s in the garage or not?”
Zoe considered. “No,” she said finally. “Not really. But I think your son does. If you tell anyone, I think it should be him.”
…
When they got back to Leticia’s house later that night, Zoe was surprised to find Connor in the kitchen, wearing a white half apron and cleaning up after what looked like a marathon cooking session. She hadn’t seen or talked to him since that night in the tub and felt unsure and awkward. Something had changed, but she wasn’t sure exactly what. Clearly, things weren’t like they had been. But were they broken up?
Could you break up if you’d never been together?
“How did things go?” he asked, meeting her gaze only briefly before looking at the other women. “Are you the returning champions? Any trophies?”
“We placed third overall,” Clara replied. “Not a bad showing for a novice team.”
“Well, congratulations, then. I expected nothing less.” Connor slung the dish towel he’d been using over his shoulder and turned toward his mother. “By the way, everything worked fine. Milton let me in right away.”
“I should hope so,” Leticia said. “He does work for me, you know.”
“Milton let you in?” Zoe said, surprised.
“We host Thanksgiving here, and Connor likes to get an early start,” Leticia explained. “He makes a few of the desserts, you know.”
“And everything else,” Minnie said behind her hand. “Thank goodness.”
Leticia glared at her. “I do the turkey. And the stuffing and sweet potato casserole.”
“You mean you put them in the oven?” Clara said sweetly.
Leticia waved her hand. “Beside the point. Anyway, I told Milton to let Connor in when he got here. No sense having him waiting for us to return.”
The thought that Leticia had at least allowed Connor to come in the house while she was gone seemed like an improvement.
“Let me clean this up and then I’ll get out of your hair,” Connor said. “I’ll be back tomorrow around ten to get the bird started.”
“What do you do for Thanksgiving, Zoe?” Clara asked.
“I’ve actually got an overnight booked in a spa up in Sonoma,” she said. “It’s my birthday on Sunday, so I treat myself over the holiday.”
Minnie frowned. “You don’t have a Thanksgiving dinner?”
“Not for a long time,” Zoe said lightly. “It’s actually one of my favorite days of the year. No one emails me or expects me to pick up the phone. It’s lovely.”
“Humph,” Leticia looked skeptical. “Well, if you decide you’d like some turkey and gravy, you’re always welcome to come over. Minnie and Clara will be here.”
“And Harold,” Clara added.
“Your latest?” Zoe asked. She had a hard time keeping track of all the men Clara dated.
Clara nodded. “He’s sweet. Not a lot of get up and go, if you know what I mean, but he’s willing to put in the effort, which I appreciate.”
Minnie made a sound of disgust. “Please, Clara, we don’t need all the details.” She turned to Zoe. “My daughter Elizabeth and her son Oscar will be here as well. She doesn’t have enough space in her oven for an actual turkey, but she does make a fantastic pumpkin pie.”
“That sounds lovely,” Zoe said, and she meant it, though a family holiday with Connor, his mother, and their closest friends sounded less than ideal in her current state of mind. “Maybe next year.” She glanced at her watch. “I should probably get to the ferry terminal. I don’t want to miss my ride back to the c
ity.”
“Connor can take you,” Leticia said.
“He doesn’t need to do that,” Zoe said. “I’ll just get an Uber.”
“Don’t be silly.” Clara glanced at Connor and then motioned toward Zoe in a silent, not very subtle way. “I’m sure he’d love to take you.”
“It looks like there’s still a lot to do here,” Zoe said, glancing around the kitchen.
“Did you leave your car back at work?” Connor asked her.
“No, I didn’t want to deal with the holiday traffic.”
“Then I’ll take you all the way home,” he said. “The ladies can clean up the mess. They’ll leave plenty for me to do tomorrow, I suspect.”
Not wanting to make a scene, Zoe gave him an apologetic smile. “I do appreciate it.”
They said their goodbyes and then walked to the car, sitting for a few minutes in the driveway while Connor waited for the air to warm and clear the fog from the windshield. Zoe shivered and huddled deeper into her coat.
“How was your trip to Las Vegas?” Connor asked.
“It was good but long. I didn’t get back until late last night.”
“Do you really have a reservation up in Sonoma? You’re welcome to come here tomorrow, you know. The food is pretty good, if I do say so myself.” He slid her a sideways smile, and Zoe had an image of him carving a giant, golden turkey in Leticia’s kitchen, and her heart flipped upside down.
And that was when she knew.
She’d always thought when she fell in love with someone, she’d figure it out when he kissed her—maybe on a romantic beach somewhere. She thought it would come with birds singing and the sun setting and maybe a cherub or two blowing a trumpet.
But it wasn’t like that. It was like this. In a cold car, with the vents blowing and fog outside and Connor still wearing an apron because he’d forgotten to take it off as he left the house. She wasn’t picturing him riding on a white charger or laying her down on a bed covered with rose petals. She was picturing him wearing that apron and carving a damn turkey, surrounded by a group of geriatric physicists who were the best bridge players in the tricounty area.