by Max Walker
He was an inspiration, someone I’d always look up to.
He was my hero.
“But what’s life without a little spice, huh? Imagine if the Spice Girls never happened? I strongly believe we’d be in World War Five right now, so spice is fine. I’m fine. Being gay is great, as much as there are certain challenges that come with expressing your true self. It’s scary when there are some ugly mofos out there who’d rather hurt your true self instead of amplifying it. But you can’t live by their rule. You can’t.”
“I agree, Olly, and I’m really proud of you. Really fucking proud.”
“Thanks, but I’m only this courageous because I look up to you so much.” He cleared his throat, still smiling. “So what else do you want to know about the gaydom?”
“Well, I don’t really have questions prepped.”
“Wanna know about PrEP?”
“Huh? Like… preparing for sex?”
Oliver waved a hand in the air. “Oh, sis, no, no. That’s for the second lesson.”
We laughed. My little brother’s head cocked to the side, his dark brown hair catching the light. His blue eyes, as bright as mine, seemed to be searching for something as he looked at me. I could tell he was putting the rainbow-colored pieces together.
My heart beat started to race.
“Yeah,” I said, “I’ll stick to the basics for right now and consult Professor Google with the more advanced stuff.” I forked at the food. My steak, as good as it was, had stayed mostly untouched. I was too preoccupied with my thoughts to eat. “Was there ever a moment you doubted yourself?”
Oliver didn’t take long to think about his answer. “Absolutely. All the time when I was younger, when I was driven more by fear than hope. You’re constantly fed this straight fantasy bullshit, that when you start developing conflicting thoughts and emotions, your first instinct is to fight them. No, I can’t possibly be gay, look at me check out the opposite sex! Wow, I’m soooo straight. Look, I’m even holding this girl’s hand down the school hallway. All the while, I couldn’t stop thinking about Timmy in second period. So yeah, I fought it at first. But that goes away. Acceptance is a fickle mistress, Jojo, but once she decides to stay, that bitch makes herself at home.”
There was another question I was dying to ask but felt dumb even thinking it. Oliver had created such a safe space, though, that even my dumb question made it to the surface. I already knew the answer; I just had to ask. “Can I… do you think someone can be gay, like, just for one person?”
Oliver almost did a full spit-take of his blended margarita but seemed to be able to control himself at the last second. “No, not at all. Gay just for one person? Nuh-uh. I can see how one person maybe ignites repressed feelings in someone, and I can see how that person goes on to be bi, or pan, or just flat-out gay, even if they never sleep with any person after that but the one that ignited them in the first place. But I think that once you open up that rainbow-filled can, the one with feelings and emotions and dating, then that’s it, you’re playing on a different team. You can’t be gay for one guy who comes out of the blue and then say ‘nope, not gay’ if it doesn’t work out with that one specific person.” Oliver had his head tilted, his sass levels at full throttle. “We don’t live in an outdated Katy Perry song, okay? Sexuality isn’t something drunk girls can flip like a switch just because they’re in Vegas and not in Itchywitchytaw, Nebraska.” He pursed his lips. “I don’t know if that’s a real place, but you get my point.”
A loud laugh rose up from my chest. “I do get it, Olly. I get it.”
“All right, good.” Oliver’s brows furrowed. “You’re asking an awful lot of questions, Jojo. Not that I mind—I can talk about this until the wheels fall off of my gay little clown car… but, is there something else you want to say?”
This was it. I had to say it. Oliver gave me the opening; I had to take it. I just had to… well, I had to do it. Like a Band-Aid, I needed to rip it off and not look back. Once the words were said, that was it, there was no takesy-backsies. It was the real deal, and I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d want to say those words to first than my little brother.
I survived getting shot in the damn head, I would survive coming out to my brother.
I wrung my hands. Cracked my neck, the pops filling the room. My hands started to tremble. I kept them under the table.
My heart was pounding; my leg was thumping up and down, the table shaking slightly.
Oliver stayed silent.
There was so much silence. I had to fill it.
“So… I think I’m…” This was it. Was I going to say it? Could I say those words and claim the person I felt I really was?
Could I do it?
No… maybe I shouldn’t. It would change so much. Facing this reality.
And there was no turning back either. The moment those words left my mouth, that was it.
“Holy shit, Olly… I think I’m gay.” I let out a breath I’d been holding.
Oliver squealed before containing himself. He arched his well-plucked brow again. “Whoa. I mean, Jojo… are you pranking me? That’s so early-2000’s of you, and I don’t think that’s even very PC of you… you’re not pranking me, are you? Oh my freaking Celine Dion–worshipping gay ass, you’re not joking? You really are gay?”
I was smiling so hard my cheeks hurt. Maybe it was from the nerves, or the weird, bubbly kind of ecstasy that was starting to flood through me. I’d never said those words out loud, much less to anyone else before.
“It’s not exactly a choreographed dance with confetti cannons, but… yeah, Olly, I’m gay.”
He put his hands to his lips, a couple of his nails painted navy blue. “I can’t even, holy—what in the rainbow hell. I’m so happy for you! And don’t even stress about the cannons or choreo, I’m so extra. You coming out like this is perfect.” He wiped away a tear. I’d rarely seen my brother cry; even though he wore himself on his sleeve at all times, tears were just never a common thing with him.
It surprised me how quickly it spread to me. I wiped at my cheeks, still smiling, feeling so supported and relieved. I felt blessed. Not many people had such a supportive, open, loving figure to come out to. This was such a tender and vulnerable moment, it could have gone wrong in a million different ways.
But it didn’t. And I felt no regret, no sadness. It was all relief and happiness and a profound feeling of weightlessness.
My brother was smiling, but it was tilted toward mischievous now. His eyes were narrow slits, as if he were trying hard to read my thoughts.
“What?” I asked, suddenly feeling like I had something on my face.
“Is this guy, the one that ignited it all for you… is it Fox? The one from that FaceTime call?”
“What? No, no, not—” There was no use denying it. “How did you know?”
“I had a feeling. You’ve talked about him a lot. Plus, when he called me about the car, I could practically hear Cupid filing his arrows behind him. That guy’s smitten, sis.”
“You think?”
“Oh, I know.”
That bubbly feeling in my chest expanded, exploded. I felt like a high schooler getting solid confirmation from an insider source that their crush liked them back. “I don’t know, Olly. He’s really gotten under my skin. And you’re completely right. I’ve had feelings and attractions for men for a long time, I’ve just kept them quiet. But Fox changed all that for me. Not only was he there for me when my life was imploding, but he’s also been there for me ever since. We get along so freaking well, it’s crazy. I’m always smiling and laughing around him, and when I’m not around him, I want to be around him. It’s one of those kinds of relationships, and we haven’t even talked about any of this yet.”
“You two definitely need to talk, one. And two: wow, you’re glowing. You’ve been staying at his place, right?”
“Yeah, basically since the day we met…”
“Mhmm, no wonder you’re glowing.”
I l
aughed, feeling myself getting red in the cheeks. “No, I mean, well, yes. But no. We’ve done stuff, not the major stuff, though.” Okay, this was taking a turn. “It’s been a really fun time.”
“I’m sure it has.” Oliver took a comically loud and long sip of his margarita, keeping his eyes on me, smile still peeking past the big glass. “Is he out?”
I nodded. “Yeah, he’s out. He’s dated guys before, but no one’s stuck from what it seems.”
“Maybe you’re the one, then.”
At first I didn’t really know how to respond. And then it came to me: “Yeah… Maybe, I am.”
26 Gabriel “Fox” Morrison
“Find the one. Sign up today for a free trial. Look, I found my one. He loves walking on the beach just like me!”
The two actors on the television screen, who had clearly never met before they were cast for this online dating ad, looked at each other with longing eyes as they most likely envisioned a five-star lobster dinner or some other thing they wanted badly.
I sighed, changed the channel, and put my feet up on the table in front of me. The night had been pretty quiet. Jonah was gone for the evening, having dinner with his brother, leaving me to my own devices for the first time in a while. I hadn’t realized how lonely things could get when Jonah wasn’t sitting next to me, joking about this or that. It was crazy to me just how fast I had gotten accustomed to having him around. Even back in the military I hated sharing bunkers and was definitely never happy having to share the two bathrooms with eight other people. Some guys loved the atmosphere for some reason, but not me. I had enjoyed spending time on my own. By myself. I had been a kind of lone wolf like that for a while.
And then Jonah came along and everything was flipped on its head. He was the spark that lit up my entire life. He reminded me that connecting with someone was still worth it, even if the risk for pain was still present.
And the risk between Jonah and me was astronomical. We hadn’t even talked about Jonah’s sexuality yet, which was a massive block that had been preventing me from diving headfirst into my feelings for Jonah.
I knew him, though. At least I felt like I knew him. I trusted him, and I didn’t think he’d be using me as some kind of experiment. I could feel the mutual feelings between us, and they were potent. Like the strong scent of blooming roses in spring, the feelings that flowed from the both of us were striking and soft and simply undeniable.
I knew Jonah wouldn’t hurt me, so I figured time would be the best option.
I hoped he wouldn’t hurt me. I didn’t have the best track record with placing my trust in the right people, but Jonah had changed all of that for me.
And that scared the shit out of me.
What if it was moving too fast? And what if Jonah got bored with me, if a relationship between us did blossom? I’d be his first ever boyfriend, and as much as that idea thrilled me, it also terrified me. I wasn’t one to get scared easily; I’d faced down plenty worse in my past. I’d gone into dark husks of buildings destroyed by bombs, not knowing what or who was around the next corner, and then have to somehow go to sleep after all of that once I was back at base camp.
I’d faced some shit before, but nothing scared me more than the idea of Jonah throwing me to the side, getting bored with me and wondering what else was out there. That fear struck me hard and fast.
I stood up, the remote dropping and sliding across my tiled living room floor. I left it, leaving the TV on some documentary about UFO sightings. As the man on screen gave his interview about seeing a “floating gold toilet seat with a little dongle on the end of it, right over ma’ cows!” I went to my fridge and grabbed a cold beer. I popped the can open and took a sip, leaning back on the counter, feeling myself getting antsy. I didn’t want to sit. I considered going out for a walk, but that meant putting on pants and a shirt, which were two things i didn’t want to do. And that wasn’t even counting shoes.
I took another chug of the beer. Maybe a shower would be a good idea. Spending some time with good music under the hot water would ease some of the tension tightening up my shoulders.
I started toward the bathroom when the click of a lock in the door froze me in place. Like a puppy excited to see his owner get home after a long day of work, I turned and faced the door, a big smile on my face, my willpower doing all I could to stop myself from fucking wagging my ass with excitement.
The door opened and Jonah stepped in, looking a little surprised at seeing me standing there.
“Hi.”
He shut the door behind him. “Hey.”
“How was dinne—” I didn’t finish my question. Jonah’s lips were on mine before I could get the word out. He was on me like he’d just gotten home from a years-long deployment. We were getting pushed back with the force of the kiss, his hands on my sides, my cock already growing stiff between us, his already hard against me.
“I want you, Fox. So bad.”
“I want you too, Jonah… Jesus, did you have a full-course meal of only oysters and chocolate?”
Jonah laughed at that, his lips plump, cheeks flushed, eyes locked on mine.
God, I really loved this: holding him, being so close to him, feeling him against me. It almost felt too good to be true. “No oysters, or chocolate.” Jonah’s eyes were glittering. “Just the truth. Something I’ve recently accepted and embraced.” Jonah’s smile pushed his cheeks up, crinkling the corners of his eyes. “Fox, I’m gay.”
The words weren’t a complete surprise, but the timing definitely was.
“Oh, that’s—Jonah, holy shit. I mean, congratulations. I know how hard it is to say those words at first.” I pulled him in for a warm hug before pulling him back into a deep kiss. I knew firsthand how scary saying those words out loud was, especially in the beginning. As time went on and you came out to more and more people, because someone never really stops coming out, then saying “I’m gay and I’m fucking proud of it” was a lot easier.
Not in the beginning, though. Pride rose through me. I could see the immediate change in Jonah now that he spoke his truth. There was a light behind those eyes that shone brighter than ever before.
“Thank you,” Jonah said. “I talked with my brother and he was really the key I needed. Ever since I could remember being attracted to someone, it was mostly guys. I was able to push it down for a while, but you know, that’s something that never stays quiet. I obviously dated women and I considered myself straight for all my life, but that was just me running from the truth. I ran so hard, right into empty relationships with mediocre sex, and that was at best. I thought maybe I was bi at one point, but after a lot of self-reflecting, and daydreaming about you, I’ve realized I don’t see myself being with a woman ever again.”
“I completely get it. I’m so fucking happy for you, Jonah.”
His smile was taking over his handsome face. “So that’s that. I’m gay. There, I said it again. Wow, that feels so damn good. I can’t believe I’m even saying it again… I’m gay!” Jonah’s joy was pure and infectious. I was smiling so hard it hurt. I kissed him again, held him tighter against me. The both of us started shouting.
“We’re gay! We love dick! We love men!”
And then we broke down into laughs, and those laughs softened into chuckles, those chuckles slowing into tender kisses.
The kisses didn’t stay tender. Passion took us by the necks. We kissed our way to the bedroom, shedding our clothes on the way. I didn’t have much to take off, leaving my boxers hooked on the back of a chair.
In the bedroom, Jonah shoved me down onto the bed. He stood back, taking off his briefs, his hard cock springing forward, already wet at the tip. I stroked myself, opening my legs as I sat on the edge of the bed, admiring this man in all his glory. He was magnificent, and the way he held his chest out with a newfound pride, fuck, it made me crazy for him.
He climbed onto the bed, his legs on either side of me. His hard cock rubbed against my belly as he took my face in his hands and kissed.
It was so fucking hot, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to last much longer even though we’d only just begun.
Jonah broke the kiss for a moment, my head still in his hands. Our eyes didn’t break from each other. I could feel his warm breaths on the tip of my nose. Something flickered in his gaze.
Worry?
“What’s wrong?” I asked, instantly scared of the answer. I didn’t want anything to ruin this. I had tasted a slice of paradise and didn’t want to let it go so damn soon.
He chewed his lip. “This isn’t… this isn’t a bad idea, is it?”
I couldn’t keep the grin off my face. That was a question I could easily answer with full confidence.
“Jonah, nothing involving you and me naked is a bad idea.”
As if signing on the dotted line, Jonah’s hand cupped the back of my head and pulled me in for an all-consuming kiss.
Jonah was hungry. He was starving for my body, I could feel it through the kiss. I saw it through the fire in those blue eyes of his, and I was ready to feed him. I wanted him as badly as he wanted me. Our hard lengths were evidence of that. I thrust up against him, rubbing myself on him, streaking him with clear precome. I looked down, grabbing him in a fist, pumping, milking him, seeing his precome leak out of his slit.
I rubbed a thumb over the wetness and brought it up to my lips, sucking greedily. He tasted as sweet as always. And he was still leaking. I passed my thumb over him again, causing his body to shudder in shocked pleasure, and then brought my sticky wet finger back up, but to Jonah’s lips this time. He opened, smiling around my finger as he sucked, his tongue swirling, making sure he got every last drop.
A moan rose through me, my cock throbbing against Jonah.
I needed him, in a way that burned at my insides. I wanted him to fill me, to put the fire out.
“Jonah, I want you to fuck me.” My voice was hoarse, my throat tight from the need. “I need this inside me.” I reached down, pumped him again. His eyes, stormy and half-lidded, bore through me.
I needed his cock boring through me, not his gaze.