He cracked the lid off the bottle but kept his eyes on me as he drained his water. I lifted one shoulder, pulling my own shirt off before I collapsed on the couch with a fresh bottle.
“Winter isn’t happy to be on the road again, as you know,” I said. I dropped my head back and narrowed my eyes at the ceiling of the rocky cave that made up our dressing room tonight. “Every day, I have to face her questions about when we’re going back. I have to ward off requests to call Tiffeny.”
His eyes softened with understanding as he leaned his bare shoulder against the rocks. The venue we’d just finished playing was an outdoor amphitheater, and while having an actual cave of a dressing room would have probably gotten me hard a few years ago, I barely noticed it tonight.
“Have you spoken to her at all?” he asked.
He didn’t need to clarify who he was talking about. I shook my head against the plush stuffing on the leather couch. “Nope. Not going to either.”
“But you miss her.”
I sent the ceiling a piercing glare and tightened my jaw. “I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to, man. I know you better than I know myself. You’re not the type to break up with a girl you really liked over the phone, then walk away and forget about her.” He smirked, jabbing a thumb at his chest. “If you were, you’d be me. And you’re not.”
“Maybe I’ve been striving to become more like you,” I shot back. “You never know. Maybe I’ve been idolizing you all this time and I’ve finally gotten it right.”
He barked out a laugh. “Yeah, no. Go spread your bullshit somewhere else, man. I’m not buying what you’re selling.”
“Didn’t think you would.” I blew out a breath. “It doesn’t matter if I miss her. What matters is why we left, and it hasn’t been long enough for that to change.”
“It’s been a month,” he said. “You sure Winter’s still that hung up on Tiffeny?”
I nodded. “She asks about her all the time. I’ve been in contact with the day-care center. They send me the lesson plans for each week so Di can keep Winter caught up. Every time I speak to them, Winter asks me to ask about Tiffeny.”
Di was a godsend at this point in time. She was a tutor hired on for Winter by the label, another example of Clark’s excellent negotiating skills. Although she didn’t know who Tiffeny was, she’d grown used to the questions and had gotten good at fielding them.
Although I supposed too, she was in her fifties and had supposedly tutored hundreds of kids who were in Winter’s situation. She’d reassured me plenty of times that Winter wouldn’t fall behind and that a short tour wasn’t detrimental to her overall, but I just wasn’t sure I believed her.
Either way, we were on tour now, and in the next few weeks, we had our biggest shows so far coming up. They were all sold out and there was no way I could ditch Clark or even the fans now, no matter what he said.
Come what may, I had three more weeks on this tour. After that, I might reassess, but I just didn’t know what I was going to end up doing.
“Winter will be okay, dude,” Clark said, cutting into my thoughts. “In another month, she won’t be asking as often anymore.”
“I hope you’re right.” But I didn’t really think he was. I pushed down on my palms and stood up, jerking my head in the direction of the bathroom. “I’m gonna go grab a shower. Then I’m out of here.”
“There’s an after-party at that bar on the other side of the amphitheater, just so you know, but I think you’d better get back to the hotel.”
I raised both brows at him. “You’re not going to try to convince me to come out with you?”
“What was the definition of insanity again?” he asked, touching the side of his mouth with his index finger before snapping it with his thumb. “Oh, right. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Besides, I don’t think you’d be much fun tonight, even if you did decide to come.”
“Well, thanks for letting me off the hook anyway. I appreciate it.”
“No problem.” He dragged a hand through his hair and got a beer out of the fridge before going to spread out on the couch I’d vacated. “Just don’t jerk off in the shower because I know you’ve still got Tiffeny on your mind. I still need to use it after you.”
I flipped him off, considered doing exactly what he’d asked me not to, just because he’d asked, but eventually finished up in the shower without doing anything to spite him. I just wasn’t in the mood. Hadn’t been since the last time I’d been with Tiffeny.
In a way, being on this tour was bringing back a lot of memories of the last tour I’d been on. The important difference was that I didn’t feel dead this time. I wasn’t numb to the music or to the future. I was just in limbo.
I was figuring things out, not ignoring them. The tour was giving me the time and space I needed to clear my head, and while it was slow going, I was actually managing to make some progress.
When I got back to the hotel, I knew Winter wasn’t really asleep, but I kept quiet anyway. If she fake slept for long enough, she’d real sleep soon enough. Instead of calling her out on it, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and change into sweatpants. Then I climbed into bed with her and just held her until eventually, I drifted off as well.
Chapter 34
Tiffeny
“I’d say you’re about thirteen weeks along,” the doctor said as she moved a white-plastic wand along the cool gel she’d squeezed out on my belly.
Dr. Malone was difficult to get an appointment with, but my mother had insisted that she was the best of the best. Surprisingly, Mom had been calling to check in on me from time to time since she found out I was pregnant, and when I told her I hadn’t gotten an appointment at an OB/GYN yet, she’d gotten one for me.
In all our conversations over the last month, she hadn’t attempted to patronize me once. She wasn’t mean or rude, didn’t put me down or condescend to me. It was damn weird, but it felt like our relationship was finally, slowly, growing into something resembling a real mother-daughter relationship.
I hadn’t seen her yet, since she’d been away for work a lot, and frankly, I’d been wanting to keep my distance until I could be sure she wasn’t about to go say something callous and hurtful. I was feeling fragile enough as it was, even if I was getting by.
When Mom had found out I was seeing Dr. Malone today, though, she’d asked me if I wanted her to come. I said no, obviously, but then she’d told me she would be at home once I was done if I wanted to come by after.
This was my first ultrasound, and I was suddenly very, very grateful that I could go home to my mother after. A mother who actually felt like she cared about me for once.
Because seeing that little gray, black, and white, lanky yet blobby thing on the screen that was my baby was an experience that was transcendent. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced before, and I didn’t think any feeling I’d ever had did or could rival it.
It was the kind of experience that was meant to be shared, and in my case, I didn’t have anyone but my mother to share it with. But I did have her, and I couldn’t wait to show her my baby.
I fell in love with that little lanky-looking blobby thing instantly, and when Dr. Malone fiddled with something on her machine and the sound came on, I gave my entire heart to Blobby in the same second I heard its heartbeat.
It was only the first picture I was seeing of the baby, but I was unequivocally, irrevocably in love with that little thing. I knew in that moment that life would never be the same again. As much as I was in shock at the strength of my emotions, I was also in awe of the little life growing inside me.
Dr. Malone smiled. “We’ve got a nice, strong heartbeat, which is good. All the measurements I’ve taken so far tell me you’re well on your way to having a healthy baby in a few months.”
My breath caught at that. A few months.
On the one hand, it felt like way too long before I got to meet him or her for the first time
. On the other, I only had a few freaking months left before I met my baby for the first time. I practically started hyperventilating, and the doctor frowned at me.
“Are you feeling okay, sweetie?”
“I’m fine, but I guess I’m just… overwhelmed,” I admitted.
Dr. Malone had kind brown eyes and graying hair pulled back in a tight bun. She gave me a smile filled with understanding and patted my hand.
“That’s completely natural. I was just asking to make sure, but most girls react that way when they first do the math at how much and how little time they have before the baby comes.” She grabbed a wad of paper towels from a box on the metal table beside her. “Here. You get cleaned up. Then we’ll talk in my office. Do you need an extra picture printed out for your husband? Sometimes, the dads get sensitive if they weren’t able to come to the appointment and don’t have a picture of their own.”
“I’m not—I don’t—” I stammered. “No, that won’t be necessary.”
“Okay, then. Let me print out a set for you and I’ll see you in my office in a minute.” She hit a button on her fancy machine, gave me another smile, and then cracked the door open between her office and her exam room.
I lay there for another minute, dazed as I rubbed the sticky gel off my belly and glanced down at it. It still looked soft, just like it always had, but when I pushed on it, there was significantly less give.
It was like a rock underneath there now, but I was glad it was so hard. My body was helping me to protect my baby, and for that, I had a newfound rush of appreciation for it.
Despite being on the bigger side, I’d never had a problem with my body. In fact, I kind of liked having fuller curves, even if I had taken some flack for it back at school.
Those curves meant something different to me now, though. They were providing extra space and padding for my baby, and I loved the thought of that.
Smiling to myself as I got up off the exam table, I wondered if any other woman had ever smiled while getting off that table in my situation. I dressed quickly and slid into the doctor’s office.
“Okay, let’s get started,” she said, sitting behind a large glass-topped desk.
The wide window behind her had a view of the city and the ocean beyond. There were pictures of babies on her walls and informational pamphlets on her desk, but I only noticed all of this in my periphery.
My attention was firmly fixed on the doctor. She folded her hands in her lap, a serene expression on her face and a seemingly permanent upward tilt to her lips. I’d liked her the minute I’d met her earlier, and I was glad she was going to be the one there with me when the time finally came.
Calmness and capability seemed to seep from her pores, making me feel the same way.
“First things first. We’re going to need to set up an appointment schedule. Some of your appointments will be with one of my nurses, while others will be with me. You can speak to Cassie at reception before you leave.”
She clicked a pen and passed it to me, along with a stack of forms. “Those are consent forms for some standard bloodwork we’ll need you to do. There are also some other forms in there. Take your time to read through them and bring them in next time you come. Cassie will keep them in your file.”
Item by item, she worked through a checklist of things to keep in mind. By the end of the appointment, my brain was filled to the brim with new information, and I had her forms in my hand, along with my pictures of Blobby.
Everything seemed surreal to me at the moment, but whenever I glanced down at the pictures, the world came into sharper focus. It felt like Dr. Malone had stripped my being to its very core before putting me back together again by showing me what my baby looked like.
Driving to my mother’s house, I felt like I was existing on a new plane, one I’d never been on before. It was the weirdest, most unbelievable yet terrifying drive of my life.
I had tears in my eyes when my mother opened her front door. She opened her arms to me, for the first time I could remember, and when I walked right into them, she pulled me into the tightest hug I’d gotten from her in a long time.
“How did it go?” she asked, her voice surprisingly soft and soothing. She even stroked my hair as she hugged me, letting me linger in her arms before she released me.
“It went well.” I took the pictures out of my purse and showed them to her. “There he is. Or she. I guess we’ll find out in a few more weeks or so.”
“Oh, baby.” She took the string of pictures from me with one trembling hand and brought the other to her lips. “My first grandchild.”
She breathed the words almost reverently, which shocked me almost as much as her eyes misting over with tears did. What the hell is going on with her?
Before I could ask, she linked my arm with hers and gently guided me to the kitchen. “Let me make us some green tea and get you some water.”
My jaw practically hit the ground. “You’re going to get it yourself?”
She waved me off with an almost mischievous smile touching her lips. “I do know how to make tea, you know? I’m also able to open a faucet, although I’ll get you a bottled water instead. You shouldn’t be drinking tap.”
I arched a brow at her. “Tap is fine, Mom.”
Pursing her lips, she held my gaze for a beat. “Sure. Of course. Your body, your baby. Tap, it is.”
Surprised by how fast she had relented, I sat down on one of the chairs around the large kitchen table and folded my arms. “What’s going on with you?”
“What do you mean?” she asked, tinkering around the kitchen as she made our drinks.
I cocked my head. “You know what I mean. I don’t think you’ve ever been this nice to me, but definitely not since I told you I was dropping out of school.”
A soft sigh fell from her lips. Her head dropped forward and she braced her palms against the counter as she closed her eyes.
I watched as her chest rose and fell with several deep breaths. Then she opened her eyes again, and when they landed on me, I nearly gasped at the depth of the remorse shining from them.
“There is no denying I haven’t been the perfect mother,” she said. She didn’t wait for me to object. I guessed she knew she wasn’t getting any objections from this side of the kitchen. “But I’ve only ever wanted what’s best for you.”
She took a breath and poured the tea, carrying it over on a tray, even though it was just across the kitchen. Before she sat down, she fetched my water and passed both drinks to me.
“Here’s the thing about parents, Tiffeny. Most of us have no clue what we’ve gotten ourselves into when our children are born, but we swear we’ll always do right by them anyway. One day soon, you’ll be making those promises too, and then you’ll start learning that it’s not always easy to keep them.”
She sighed but a soft smile tipped the corners of her lips up. “Sometimes, those promises we made lead us to making mistakes, such as thinking we know what’s best for our children even when we don’t. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, to be successful at what you did because I knew you wouldn’t be happy if you weren’t.”
“I am happy,” I said quietly.
“I know that now.” Her eyes dropped to her cup and stayed on the steaming liquid for only a beat before coming back to mine. “You’re a tough woman, darling. I’m so proud of you. I know I haven’t said either of those things enough, but they’re both true.”
“You think I’m tough?” My brows pulled together. “Also, since when are you proud of me?”
“I’ve always been proud of you,” she said. “I just didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to think I was approving of your choices.”
I touched my belly, my thumb stroking the spot beneath my belly button where I’d seen my baby lying earlier. “Are you only saying this now because I’m pregnant?”
“In a way.” She held up a finger when I opened my mouth to reply. “No, hear me out first. For a long time, I was worried about you. I thoug
ht you were making a mistake and that you’d regret it someday.”
“But not anymore?” I could hardly believe what I was hearing.
“Not anymore,” she confirmed. “After you left here that day I told you I thought you were pregnant, it hit me that I was going to be a grandmother and you were going to be a mother. My baby was having a baby of her own. While that doesn’t mean you’re not my baby anymore, because you always will be, it made me realize you really are a grown woman now. A businesswoman in your own right and one who was going to start making choices for her own child soon enough.”
“You don’t have to be a grown woman to get pregnant,” I pointed out.
She giggled, a delicate, feminine sound I didn’t think I’d ever heard from her before. “I suppose that’s true, but you are. You’ve grown into an incredible, beautiful young woman with a strong sense of independence and self. You were brave enough to stand up for yourself and you had the courage to defy our expectations in order to pursue your own happiness. I’m truly proud of who you’ve become, darling. I can’t wait to see you instill those values into your own child.”
“You’re serious right now?” I pinched myself, ninety-nine percent certain I was dreaming. When I didn’t wake up, I could only stare at her.
“Serious as I’ve ever been,” she said, then linked her fingers together on the table. “That being said, my grandbaby is on the way and there are certain practical things that need to be taken care of.”
“I know.” I set my purse on the table and pulled out a pamphlet I’d been given, outlining prenatal care. “I never knew having a baby would involve so much work before they’re even born.”
She nodded, her voice still calm and gentle as she continued. “Yes, but we’ll get all that done in time. What I meant to get to was whether or not you’re going to tell Callen.”
I sucked my lips into my mouth and lifted a shoulder as I stared at the long list of stuff I had to get ready before the baby arrived. “I don’t know. I think he’s still on tour, but I don’t even know that for sure. I haven’t heard from him, and after the last conversation we had, I don’t think he’d take my calls even if I tried to get ahold of him.”
Keeping Secrets Page 23