The Little Minister

by J. M. Barrie

  Chapter Ten.

  FIRST SERMON AGAINST WOMEN.

  On the afternoon of the following Sabbath, as I have said, somethingstrange happened in the Auld Licht pulpit. The congregation, despitetheir troubles, turned it over and peered at it for days, but had theyseen into the inside of it they would have weaved few webs until thesession had sat on the minister. The affair baffled me at the time,and for the Egyptian's sake I would avoid mentioning it now, were itnot one of Gavin's milestones. It includes the first of his memorablesermons against Woman.

  I was not in the Auld Licht church that day, but I heard of the sermonbefore night, and this, I think, is as good an opportunity as anotherfor showing how the gossip about Gavin reached me up here in the Glenschool-house. Since Margaret and her son came to the manse I had keptthe vow made to myself and avoided Thrums. Only once had I ventured tothe kirk, and then, instead of taking my old seat, the fourth from thepulpit, I sat down near the plate, where I could look at Margaretwithout her seeing me. To spare her that agony I even stole away asthe last word of the benediction was pronounced, and my hastescandalised many, for with Auld Lichts it is not customary to retirequickly from the church after the manner of the godless U. P.'s (andthe Free Kirk is little better), who have their hats in their handwhen they rise for the benediction, so that they may at once pour outlike a burst dam. We resume our seats, look straight before us, clearour throats and stretch out our hands for our womenfolk to put ourhats into them. In time we do get out, but I am never sure how.

  One may gossip in a glen on Sabbaths, though not in a town, withoutlosing his character, and I used to await the return of my neighbour,the farmer of Waster Lunny, and of Silva Birse, the Glen Quharitypost, at the end of the school-house path. Waster Lunny was a manwhose care in his leisure hours was to keep from his wife his greatpride in her. His horse, Catlaw, on the other hand, he told outrightwhat he thought of it, praising it to its face and blackguarding it asit deserved, and I have seen him when completely baffled by the brute,sit down before it on a stone and thus harangue: "You think you'reclever, Catlaw, my lass, but you're mista'en. You're a thrawn limmer,that's what you are. You think you have blood in you. You hae blood!Gae away, and dinna blether. I tell you what, Catlaw, I met a manyestreen that kent your mither, and he says she was a feikiefushionless besom. What do you say to that?"

  As for the post, I will say no more of him than that his bitter topicwas the unreasonableness of humanity, which treated him graciouslywhen he had a letter for it, but scowled at him when he had none, "ayeimplying that I hae a letter, but keep it back."

  On the Sabbath evening after the riot, I stood at the usual placeawaiting my friends, and saw before they reached me that they hadsomething untoward to tell. The farmer, his wife and three children,holding each other's hands, stretched across the road. Birse was alittle behind, but a conversation was being kept up by shouting. Allwere walking the Sabbath pace, and the family having started half aminute in advance, the post had not yet made up on them.

  "It's sitting to snaw," Waster Lunny said, drawing near, and just as Iwas to reply, "It is so," Silva slipped in the words before me.

  "You wasna at the kirk," was Elspeth's salutation. I had been at theGlen church, but did not contradict her, for it is Established, and soneither here nor there. I was anxious, too, to know what their longfaces meant, and so asked at once--

  "Was Mr. Dishart on the riot?"

  "Forenoon, ay; afternoon, no," replied Waster Lunny, walking round hiswife to get nearer me. "Dominie, a queery thing happened in the kirkthis day, sic as----"

  "Waster Lunny," interrupted Elspeth sharply; "have you on your Sabbathshoon or have you no on your Sabbath shoon?"

  "Guid care you took I should hae the dagont oncanny things on,"retorted the farmer.

  "Keep out o' the gutter, then," said Elspeth, "on the Lord's day."

  "Him," said her man, "that is forced by a foolish woman to weargenteel 'lastic-sided boots canna forget them till he takes them aff.Whaur's the extra reverence in wearing shoon twa sizes ower sma?"

  "It mayna be mair reverent," suggested Birse, to whom Elspeth'skitchen was a pleasant place, "but it's grand, and you canna expect tobe baith grand and comfortable."

  I reminded them that they were speaking of Mr. Dishart.

  "We was saying," began the post briskly, "that----"

  "It was me that was saying it," said Waster Lunny. "So, dominie----"

  "Haud your gabs, baith o' you," interrupted Elspeth. "You've beenroaring the story to ane another till you're hoarse."

  "In the forenoon," Waster Lunny went on determinedly, "Mr. Dishartpreached on the riot, and fine he was. Oh, dominie, you should haeheard him ladling it on to Lang Tammas, no by name but in sic a waythat there was no mistaking wha he was preaching at, Sal! oh losh!Tammas got it strong."

  "But he's dull in the uptake," broke in the post, "by what I expected.I spoke to him after the sermon, and I says, just to see if he wasproperly humbled, 'Ay, Tammas,' I says, 'them that discourse waspreached against, winna think themselves seven feet men for a whileagain.' 'Ay, Birse,' he answers, 'and glad I am to hear you admit it,for he had you in his eye.' I was fair scunnered at Tammas the day."

  "Mr. Dishart was preaching at the whole clanjamfray o' you," saidElspeth.

  "Maybe he was," said her husband, leering; "but you needna cast it atus, for, my certie, if the men got it frae him in the forenoon, thewomen got it in the afternoon."

  "He redd them up most michty," said the post. "Thae was his very wordsor something like them. 'Adam,' says he, 'was an erring man, but asideEve he was respectable.'"

  "Ay, but it wasna a' women he meant," Elspeth explained, "for when hesaid that, he pointed his finger direct at T'nowhead's lassie, and Ihope it'll do her good."

  "But I wonder," I said, "that Mr. Dishart chose such a subject to-day.I thought he would be on the riot at both services."

  "You'll wonder mair," said Elspeth, "when you hear what happened aforehe began the afternoon sermon. But I canna get in a word wi' that mano' mine."

  "We've been speaking about it," said Birse, "ever since we left thekirk door. Tod, we've been sawing it like seed a' alang the glen."

  "And we meant to tell you about it at once," said Waster Lunny; "butthere's aye so muckle to say about a minister. Dagont, to hae anekeeps a body out o' langour. Ay, but this breaks the drum. Dominie,either Mr. Dishart wasna weel, or he was in the devil's grip."

  This startled me, for the farmer was looking serious.

  "He was weel eneuch," said Birse, "for a heap o' fowk speired at Jeanif he had ta'en his porridge as usual, and she admitted he had. Butthe lassie was skeered hersel', and said it was a mercy Mrs. Dishartwasna in the kirk."

  "Why was she not there?" I asked anxiously.

  "Oh, he winna let her out in sic weather."

  "I wish you would tell me what happened," I said to Elspeth.

  "So I will," she answered, "if Waster Lunny would haud his wheesht fora minute. You see the afternoon diet began in the ordinary way, and a'was richt until we came to the sermon. 'You will find my text,' hesays, in his piercing voice, 'in the eighth chapter of Ezra.'"

  "And at thae words," said Waster Lunny, "my heart gae a loup, for Ezrais an unca ill book to find; ay, and so is Ruth."

  "I kent the books o' the Bible by heart," said Elspeth, scornfully,"when I was a sax year auld."

  "So did I," said Waster Lunny, "and I ken them yet, except when I'mhurried. When Mr. Dishart gave out Ezra he a sort o' keeked round thekirk to find out if he had puzzled onybody, and so there was a kind o'a competition among the congregation wha would lay hand on it first.That was what doited me. Ay, there was Ruth when she wasna wanted, butEzra, dagont, it looked as if Ezra had jumped clean out o' theBible."

  "You wasna the only distressed crittur," said his wife. "I was ashamedto see Eppie McLaren looking up the order o' the books at thebeginning o' the Bible."

  "Tibbie Birse was even mair brazen," said the post, "for the slycutt
ie opened at Kings and pretended it was Ezra."

  "None o' thae things would I do," said Waster Lunny, "and sal, Idauredna, for Davit Lunan was glowering over my shuther. Ay, you mayscrowl at me, Elspeth Proctor, but as far back as I can mind, Ezra hasdone me. Mony a time afore I start for the kirk I take my Bible to aquiet place and look Ezra up. In the very pew I says canny to mysel','Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther, Job,' the which should be a help, but themoment the minister gi'es out that awfu' book, away goes Ezra like theEgyptian."

  "And you after her," said Elspeth, "like the weavers that wouldnafecht. You make a windmill of your Bible."

  "Oh, I winna admit I'm beat. Never mind, there's queer things in theworld forby Ezra. How is cripples aye so puffed up mair than otherfolk? How does flour-bread aye fall on the buttered side?"

  "I will mind," Elspeth said, "for I was terrified the minister wouldadmonish you frae the pulpit."

  "He couldna hae done that, for was he no baffled to find Ezrahimsel'?"

  "Him no find Ezra!" cried Elspeth. "I hae telled you a dozen times hefound it as easy as you could yoke a horse."

  "The thing can be explained in no other way," said her husband,doggedly, "if he was weel and in sound mind."

  "Maybe the dominie can clear it up," suggested the post, "him being ascholar."

  "Then tell me what happened," I asked.

  "Godsake, hae we no telled you?" Birse said. "I thocht we had."

  "It was a terrible scene," said Elspeth, giving her husband a shove."As I said, Mr. Dishart gave out Ezra eighth. Weel, I turned it up ina jiffy, and syne looked cautiously to see how Eppie McLaren wasgetting on. Just at that minute I heard a groan frae the pulpit. Itdidna stop short o' a groan. Ay, you may be sure I looked quick at theminister, and there I saw a sicht that would hae made the grandestgape. His face was as white as a baker's, and he had a sort of fallenagainst the back o' the pulpit, staring demented-like at his openBible."

  "And I saw him," said Birse, "put up his hand atween him and the Book,as if he thocht it was to jump at him."

  "Twice," said Elspeth, "he tried to speak, and twice he let the wordsfall."

  "That," says Waster Lunny, "the whole congregation admits, but I didnasee it mysel', for a' this time you may picture me hunting savage-likefor Ezra. I thocht the minister was waiting till I found it."

  "Hendry Munn," said Birse, "stood upon one leg, wondering whether heshould run to the session-house for a glass of water."

  "But by that time," said Elspeth, "the fit had left Mr. Dishart, orrather it had ta'en a new turn. He grew red, and it's gospel that hestamped his foot."

  "He had the face of one using bad words," said the post. "He didnaswear, of course, but that was the face he had on."

  "I missed it," said Waster Lunny, "for I was in full cry after Ezra,with the sweat running down my face."

  "But the most astounding thing has yet to be telled," went on Elspeth."The minister shook himsel' like one wakening frae a nasty dream, andhe cries in a voice of thunder, just as if he was shaking his fist atsomebody----"

  "He cries," Birse interposed, cleverly, "he cries, 'You will find thetext in Genesis, chapter three, verse six.'"

  "Yes," said Elspeth, "first he gave out one text, and then he gave outanother, being the most amazing thing to my mind that ever happened inthe town of Thrums. What will our children's children think o't? Iwouldna hae missed it for a pound note."

  "Nor me," said Waster Lunny, "though I only got the tail o't. Dominie,no sooner had he said Genesis third and sixth, than I laid my fingeron Ezra. Was it no provoking? Onybody can turn up Genesis, but itneeds an able-bodied man to find Ezra."

  "He preached on the Fall," Elspeth said, "for an hour and twenty-fiveminutes, but powerful though he was I would rather he had telled uswhat made him gie the go-by to Ezra."

  "All I can say," said Waster Lunny, "is that I never heard him mairawe-inspiring. Whaur has he got sic a knowledge of women? He riddledthem, he fair riddled them, till I was ashamed o' being married."

  "It's easy kent whaur he got his knowledge of women," Birse explained,"it's a' in the original Hebrew. You can howk ony mortal thing out o'the original Hebrew, the which all ministers hae at their finger ends.What else makes them ken to jump a verse now and then when giving outa psalm?"

  "It wasna women like me he denounced," Elspeth insisted, "but younglassies that leads men astray wi' their abominable wheedling ways."

  "Tod," said her husband, "if they try their hands on Mr. Dishartthey'll meet their match."

  "They will," chuckled the post. "The Hebrew's a grand thing, thoughteuch, I'm telled, michty teuch."

  "His sublimest burst," Waster Lunny came back to tell me, "was aboutthe beauty o' the soul being everything and the beauty o' the face noworth a snuff. What a scorn he has for bonny faces and toom souls! Idinna deny but what a bonny face fell takes me, but Mr. Dishartwouldna gie a blade o' grass for't. Ay, and I used to think that intheir foolishness about women there was dagont little differ atweenthe unlearned and the highly edicated."

  The gossip about Gavin brought hitherto to the school-house had beenas bread to me, but this I did not like. For a minister to behave thuswas as unsettling to us as a change of Government to Londoners, and Idecided to give my scholars a holiday on the morrow and tramp into thetown for fuller news. But all through the night it snowed, and nextday, and then intermittently for many days, and every fall took theschool miles farther away from Thrums. Birse and the crows had now theglen road to themselves, and even Birse had twice or thrice to bedwith me. At these times had he not been so interested in describinghis progress through the snow, maintaining that the crying want of ourglen road was palings for postmen to kick their feet against, he musthave wondered why I always turned the talk to the Auld Lichtminister.

  "Ony explanation o' his sudden change o' texts?" Birse said, repeatingmy question. "Tod, and there is and to spare, for I hear tell there'ssaxteen explanations in the Tenements alone. As Tammas Haggart says,that's a blessing, for if there had just been twa explanations thekirk micht hae split on them."

  "Ay," he said at another time, "twa or three even dared to questionthe minister, but I'm thinking they made nothing o't. The majorityagrees that he was just inspired to change his text. But Lang Tammasis dour. Tammas telled the session a queer thing. He says that afterthe diet o' worship on that eventful afternoon Mr. Dishart carried theBible out o' the pulpit instead o' leaving that duty as usual to thekirk-officer. Weel, Tammas, being precentor, has a richt, as you ken,to leave the kirk by the session-house door, just like the ministerhimsel'. He did so that afternoon, and what, think you, did he see? Hesaw Mr. Dishart tearing a page out o' the Bible, and flinging itsavagely into the session-house fire. You dinna credit it? Weel, it'sstaggering, but there's Hendry Munn's evidence too. Hendry took hisfirst chance o' looking up Ezra in the minister's Bible, and, behold,the page wi' the eighth chapter was gone. Them that thinks Tammaswasna blind wi' excitement hauds it had been Ezra eighth that gaedinto the fire. Onyway, there's no doubt about the page's beingmissing, for whatever excitement Tammas was in, Hendry was as cool asever."

  A week later Birse told me that the congregation had decided to regardthe incident as adding lustre to their kirk. This was largely, I fear,because it could then be used to belittle the Established minister.That fervent Auld Licht, Snecky Hobart, feeling that Gavin's actionwas unsound, had gone on the following Sabbath to the parish kirk andsat under Mr. Duthie. But Mr. Duthie was a close reader, so thatSnecky flung himself about in his pew in misery. The ministerconcluded his sermon with these words: "But on this subject I will sayno more at present." "Because you canna," Snecky roared, and struttedout of the church. Comparing the two scenes, it is obvious that theAuld Lichts had won a victory. After preaching impromptu for an hourand twenty-five minutes, it could never be said of Gavin that heneeded to read. He became more popular than ever. Yet the change oftexts was not forgotten. If in the future any other indictments werebrought against him, it would certainly be pinned to
them.

  I marvelled long over Gavin's jump from Ezra to Genesis, and at thishis first philippic against Woman, but I have known the cause for manya year. The Bible was the one that had lain on the summer-seat whilethe Egyptian hid there. It was the great pulpit Bible which remains inthe church as a rule, but Gavin had taken it home the previous day tomake some of its loose pages secure with paste. He had studied from iton the day preceding the riot, but had used a small Bible during therest of the week. When he turned in the pulpit to Ezra, where he hadleft the large Bible open in the summer-seat, he found this scrawledacross chapter eight:--

  "I will never tell who flung the clod at Captain Halliwell. But whydid you fling it? I will never tell that you allowed me to be calledMrs. Dishart before witnesses. But is not this a Scotch marriage?Signed, Babbie the Egyptian."