Scanning the faces of his father, and Jayne, and Becca, and Sophie, all of them waiting for his response, he said nothing, just turned and went into his bedroom and shut the door.
It wasn't until then that he realized he felt nothing for Sophie either. It was odd, after years of loving her, not to care.
CHAPTER 6
Sophie felt almost overwhelmed with guilt and remorse. She couldn't shed the notion that she was responsible for Susan taking her own life rather than face the consequences of her actions. Nor could she set aside the stricken look on Susan's face when she realized Sophie was standing in the doorway. Yet, there was the other side of Susan. The sweet, fun side who treated her to a pedicure and toenails with stars on them… and sat in the chair beside her at the salon while they had facials… and took her shopping for a new outfit.
This is fun, I've never had a daughter...
"Sophie?"
And that was another part of what was so troubling. In only two days she'd grown fond of Susan. But as troubled as she was about Susan's death, she couldn't imagine what Rick's state of mind must be. Nor did she know where he was. When he went into his room the night before he never came out, and when his father asked if he could come in, Rick said he wanted to be alone...
"Sophie?"
She'd slept on the couch, not wanting to disturb Rick under the circumstances, but what worried her most was that when she knocked on his door early that morning to see if he was okay and got no response, she poked her head in the room and Rick was gone...
"Sophie?" A hand on Sophie's shoulder startled her. She glanced around and found Jayne standing behind her. "Oh... umm... yes?" she turned to see what Jayne wanted.
"I'm sorry honey. You seemed so far away," Jayne said. "Are you okay?"
Jayne's words of concern hit Sophie hard and before she could stop them, tears welled and her throat choked up, and the last thing she wanted was empathy. She deserved nothing but disgust for her small-minded grievance against Justine and her entire behavior from the moment she arrived at the ranch. If she hadn't insisted on staying with Susan she wouldn't have witnessed the scene, and whatever acts Susan engaged in would have remained behind closed doors, and Rick would never have known the extent of it...
"Sophie?"
Sophie blinked several times, sending the tears that were brimming over her eyelids trickling down her cheeks. Brushing them away with her knuckles, she said, "I'm fine. Just worried about Rick. Do you know where he is?"
Jayne shook her head. "Sam's getting dressed now and plans to go look for him. Rick's not talking to anyone, and that's not good."
All Sophie could think was that Rick should have been able to come to her and talk it out. In the past, he would have, but now he wanted nothing to do with her, and with good reason. He deserved better. He deserved a woman who loved him from the start for who he was. But loving Rick in a romantic way was still too new to process, and she needed time to figure out if it was truly romantic love she felt after all these years, or if what she felt was simply a reaction because, for the first time since she'd known Rick, he'd rejected her.
The front door swept open and Jack walked in the house, spotted Jayne, and said to her, "Is Sam around?"
"He's getting dressed," Jayne replied. "Why?"
"I want to tell him something about Rick."
Sam, hearing Jack, emerged from the hallway while shrugging into his shirt. "What about Rick?" he asked.
"He took his horse and headed up the trail to the cabin," Jack replied. "He said he didn't want to talk to me or anyone else."
"I'd better go after him," Sam said. "I don't want him up there alone."
When Sam started for the door, Jack placed his hand on Sam's arm to stop him. "Leave him be," he said. "He needs to sort through this on his own and in his own way. I know. I've been there. When Lauren killed Jackie I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I just wanted to be away from things. Rick’s not in danger of pulling what Susan did."
Sophie couldn't help catching the venom in Jack's words. Referring to Susan taking her life as pulling something seemed callous and unfeeling. The woman had been so distraught, she killed herself. When she looked at Sam, she sensed he felt the same way that she did.
Which Sam affirmed, when he said, "I think this family needs to keep in mind that Susan was Rick's mother. She might have been difficult to deal with over the years, but there was a time when she put her life on hold for Rick, even conceived a..." He stopped short and glanced at Sophie. Which she found puzzling. She waited for him to complete the sentence. Instead, he shrugged, and said, "Out of respect for Rick, just hold the comments."
Jack's jaws bunched, and Sophie could see he was struggling to keep from saying his peace. Then he let out a long audible sigh, and said, "Sorry. Like I was saying, give Rick some space. If he doesn't come back by evening I'll ride up there and make sure he's okay.
Sophie clamped her jaws shut to keep from asking if she could go. Rick wouldn't welcome her, but she couldn't help thinking he needed her, even if he didn't realize it. Then she wondered if it wasn't more about her needing him, needing him to tell her things were all right between them. But she also knew that everything she wanted at the moment was self-serving, just as it had been from the moment she stormed out of her parents' house and drove six hundred miles. From that time on it had been all about Sophie Meecham, the spoiled, self-centered girl whose parents hovered over her, and sent her to parochial school, and did everything in their power to see that she led a decent life. And she rewarded their efforts by getting drunk, smoking pot, and trying to seduce Rick.
***
By late afternoon, Rick had still not returned, and Sophie was frantic with worry. Something could have happened on the way, the horse bolted and threw him, or he'd gone to the spring, slipped and hit his head and drowned, or he was despondent and did something out of character.
Deciding it was irrelevant whether Rick wanted her there or not, she headed for the stable, where she saw a string of ranch guests, just back from their trail ride, walking from the stable to the lodge. Finding Jack inside the stable tending the horses, she said to him, "I'm worried about Rick and I want to ride up there and talk to him. It's not good for him to be there by himself, even if it's what he wants."
Jack stopped brushing the horse, and said, "You heard what I told the others."
"I know, but this is different. Rick's up there because he wants to be away from everyone around here offering insincere condolences for someone they didn't like, but I was the last person he knows who saw his mother alive and he needs me to help him sort things out."
Jack said nothing, but Sophie knew it was because he was considering what she was saying. There was an almost genetic trait with Hansen males when they were considering something. The muscles in their jaws bunched, their eyes became intense, and their nostrils flared slightly. Over the years she'd seen that look on Rick's face, and on his father's face, and each of the boys on down the line. Except for Marc. Instead, his face would have become pensive, and he'd tilt his head slightly, and his eyes would roll upward.
"I can ride up there," Jack said. "You don't need to go."
"I want to go," Sophie insisted. "Rick needs to talk this out and I'm the one he's talked to over the years. We've always stayed connected."
Jack pressed his lips together, which came after the jaw bunching and the intense look, and which meant he was about to concede. Another Hansen trait. Then he said, "I'll get Adam to ride up with you then."
"That's fine," Sophie replied, "but I might want to stay overnight. And just for the record, there's nothing going on with Rick and me in case you're worried about that."
"I'm not," Jack said. "I'll saddle Adam's horse while you go get Adam."
"Give me fifteen minutes to get a sleeping bag and change of clothes and I'll be back."
The ride up the trail with Adam was awkward, Sophie realized, when they'd been gone only about fifteen minutes. Adam barely had a
word to say, and she knew it was because he was concerned not only that she was the one to go to the cabin to be with Rick, but that she'd be staying overnight. To break the silence by focusing on Adam, instead of what was going on with her and Rick, she said, "Emily will be a beautiful bride." When Adam didn't reply, Sophie realized he'd nodded.
Adam removed his hat, ran his hand over his hair and replaced his hat, and Sophie took that as a kind of communication, so she continued. "I assume you'll be living off campus in an apartment when you return to college."
"Yeah," Adam replied.
When he said nothing more, Sophie knew they were back to square one—Adam disapproving of what she was doing. After another long awkward stretch, she said, again to break the uncomfortable silence, "You do know there's nothing going on between Rick and me. We've been friends for years. I just don't like the idea of him being alone up there at this time."
"Sometimes a man needs time to himself to think," Adam said, eyes straight ahead.
"Which means you don't want me going there," Sophie replied.
"No, it means exactly what I said."
Sophie maneuvered her horse alongside his. "At the party the other night, that's never happened to me before. You know I don't normally drink and do guys. It was a one-time thing. It won't happen again."
"You're twenty-three," Adam said. "You can pretty much do what you want, and you don't own me an explanation."
"But you're disgusted with me because I did something stupid, and you're right to be disgusted. Rick is too. In fact, he doesn't have the same feelings about me as he did before."
"I know," Adam said. "Rick told me,"
Sophie looked at him with a start. "He did?"
Adam nodded. "That's the only reason I'm taking you up there."
Sophie looked straight ahead and said nothing, but the reality of it hit hard. It was unlike Rick to talk about his feelings to anyone, but because he had with Adam, it was like he'd carved his feelings in stone. Rick Hansen no longer loves Sophie Meecham. And she wanted to carve her own feelings in stone: But Sophie Meecham loves Rick Hansen.
"What can I do to make things right again?" she asked.
Adam looked askance at her. "Right again for who? You or Rick?"
"That's pretty much a double-edged sword," Sophie said. "To make things right for me would be for Rick to care about me again, which from your viewpoint would be bad for Rick. And to make things right for Rick, in your estimation, would be for me to go back to California."
Adam said nothing, but his silence said it all. He'd never been like that with her before. He'd always joked with her, or teased her, or kidded with her about anything and everything. This was a whole different side of Adam she'd never known. But then, Adam was also a man now, not the boy she'd known over the years. And whereas the younger Adam would have laughed off the idea of Rick carrying her away from a party because she was too drunk to walk, Adam, the man, saw it the way Rick did. Grown men viewing the world through mature eyes.
But Adam also had a blind spot when it came to Emily, and Sophie considered starting a diatribe about how Emily had been in an on-and-off relationship with a guy in Adam's high school class for years, with Adam always there to pick up the pieces in Emily's life during the off times, but figured he wouldn't see the parallel between that and what was happening with Rick and herself, so she said nothing.
She was relieved when the trail leveled off into a mountain meadow, and the cabin came into view. "You can turn around here," she said. "If Rick knows you're with me he'll expect you to wait and take me back, and I want to spend some time with him."
Adam pulled his horse to a halt, but his face was troubled.
"I know what I'm doing," Sophie said, "and it has nothing to do with me. Rick has things on his mind he needs to talk about and I can't tell you what they are. Maybe he'll tell you himself in time, but right now he needs me as a sounding board."
Adam seemed to take that to heart, and Sophie wondered if Rick might have confided in him about his mother, or maybe Adam overheard Sam and Jayne talking, but he looked less angry, like what she was doing might be okay. But before Adam turned away, Sophie said, "Thank you for riding with me."
Adam didn't smile, but the scowl she'd seen earlier was gone. "I suppose it's good you're here," he conceded. "No one at the ranch much liked his mother and he knows it."
"Which is why he's here by himself, and why I should be with him," Sophie said. "During the two days I spent with his mother she did some nice things for me and I liked her. He'll know that and won't feel so alone."
Sophie waited until Adam was well down the trail before she guided her horse across the meadow in front of the cabin to a loafing shed connected to a peeled pole corral, and tied her horse to the hitching rail. As she started untying her sleeping bag and duffle bag, she glanced toward the cabin and saw no sign of Rick, either looking out the window or standing in the doorway, and was a little concerned that he hadn't seen her ride by, or heard his own horse whinny as she was approaching.
After removing the saddle and blanket, she stowed them in a room in the shed that housed racks for saddles and hooks for bridles, then turned her horse into the corral, grabbed her sleeping bag and duffle bag off the ground, and started toward the cabin, all the while feeling apprehensive that Rick hadn't seen or heard her coming, or at least stepped onto the porch to find out why his horse whinnied when she arrived, and when she knocked and he didn't answer, she felt a stab of panic.
She was about to rush inside when the door opened and Rick stood looking at her. He had a day-old beard, his hair was mussed like he'd been sleeping, and his face was drawn. Then his expression darkened, and his mouth held a scowl. Eyeing her with irritation, he said, "What is it you don't understand about needing to keep some distance between us?"
Sophie was surprised he'd brought it up again. When they were on the bridge the night before, she'd thought things were a little better between them, although afterwards, when he'd learned about his mother, Rick made it clear to everyone that he wanted to be alone. But that's not the way it was going to be. More than being alone, he needed someone to talk to. He was holding far too much inside.
"I understand why you told me that, and I don't plan to cross the line again," Sophie said, "but we've been friends for years, and right now you need a friend. And you look terrible." Without giving him a chance to send her away, she swept past him and walked into the cabin.
"Then there's no one with you?" Rick asked, in a morose voice.
"No," Sophie replied. "I plan to stay overnight. On the couch. Uncle Jack approves."
Rick stood in the doorway looking out, his face tipped up as if scanning the sky, which was already darkening with dusk, but while he was deliberating whether to send her back in the dark or let her stay, Sophie looked around the cabin and saw no dirty pans or dishes or utensils on the table or in the sink, and no opened cans or the remains of boxed meals. Only a package of beef jerky and a few granola bar wrappers indicated that Rick had eaten.
She immediately went to the cabinet above the sink and scanned the contents. Taking cans of peaches and pork-and-beans off the shelf, she set them on the counter, then retrieving a can opener from a drawer, she clamped it onto the rim of the beans. "You can't just hold up here and waste away," she said, while cranking the handle of the can opener, "you need to eat. And you also need to wash. Have you even cleaned at all since you got here?"
Rick didn't respond, just shut the front door and stood looking at her. But after a few moments, he said, "I'm trying to sort through things and I need to be alone to do that."
Sophie looked into dark troubled eyes, and said, "If you really want me to go I will, but I'm worried about you and I want to stay here. Even though I walked in on a very disturbing scene, I had two special days with your mother and that's what I intend to remember. You need to focus on your good times with her too. It's not healthy to stay hung up on her dark side, and I know that's what you're doing."
Deciding that coffee and food was what he needed most at the moment, she opened the iron door to the fire box in the wood cook stove, scrunched up newspapers that were sitting in a stack on the floor and shoved them in, then placed several pieces of kindling and a couple of small logs on top and lit the paper. While the cook stove heated, she filled a bucket with water from the hand pump on the sink and put it on the stove to heat so Rick could wash. Scooping the pork and beans into a small pot, she set it on the stove, along with a pot of water for making coffee in the French press on the counter. Then opening the can of peaches, she set it on the table, together with two small bowls with spoons.
While everything was heating, Sophie leaned against the kitchen counter and scanned the surroundings—the stone fireplace with an opening beside it for stacking logs, the old clock on it's own shelf high on the wall, the rustic coffee table surrounded by leather-covered furniture, a braided rag rug that Grace made years before, and a couple of old rockers, the same pieces that were there when she was a child. Her earliest memory of being at the cabin was shortly after she'd been turned over to her father, and a man claiming to be her legal father was trying to take custody of her in order to get her inheritance. Her father and Justine fled with her from the ranch, in the middle of a snowy night, and they stayed in the cabin as a family until it was safe to return. She remembered those as the first happy days she'd had since her mother died.
Uncertain Loyalties (Dancing Moon Ranch Book 4) Page 8