Just a Heartbeat Away

by Cara Bastone

  “Yoga isn’t about comparing yourself to another. It’s about your own practice. Pushing yourself.”

  “Well, I’m gonna be practicing myself straight to the emergency room next Monday.” He scowled at her.

  Via laughed. “You’ll like it. I swear.”

  “And if I don’t?”

  “Then I’ll do something that you’re good at, and you can show me up.” Via bit her tongue and hoped the heat on her cheeks wasn’t visible. That had sounded suspiciously like she was asking him out on a date. Yikes. Yikes squared.

  But Sebastian wasn’t looking at her, he was studying the flyer, a frown on his face. “At least the leggings aren’t mandatory.”

  “I’m sure you can wear whatever you want. But just keep in mind, if you wear shorts, that sometimes you go upside down.”

  “Dang. I was hoping to go commando that day.”

  She blushed even further and so did he.

  “Sorry,” he muttered, dragging a hand over his face. “I really wish I hadn’t said that in the middle of a public school.”

  “On a workday,” she added, biting her lip to keep her smile inside.

  “To my son’s former preschool teacher.”

  “And soon-to-be guidance counselor.”

  He groaned and took a step backward. “On that note, I think I’ll quit while I’m way, horrifyingly behind.”

  “Have a good weekend, Sebastian.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow at the game, though, right?”

  “Oh.” The papers in her hands crumpled a little and she smoothed them out. “Great.”

  * * *

  THE DRAFTY FEELING had subsided a bit as the week went on, though Via couldn’t help but feel as if that were just a coincidence. Her life was almost too busy these days to indulge in the melancholy. Especially since she was attending a yoga class every day, before or after school, to prepare for leading the yoga lesson at next Monday’s staff meeting.

  Regardless of why the feeling was subsiding, Via was just glad that it was.

  Her conversation with Evan, however, was not subsiding. It bothered her that he thought she didn’t have friends at school. She’d joined softball! She was going to happy hours! She joked around at the Xerox machine with Cat! She’d started eating lunch in the teacher’s lounge a few times a week. She’d even recently shared a sandwich with Grace, who’d forgotten her lunch at home. That was a big deal for Via, sharing food with someone. See! She had friends!

  But why would Evan’s words haunt her so much if they were patently false? She couldn’t help but wonder if, at least partly, he was right. If, on some level, this internal checklist she’d been working her way down wasn’t actually producing real friends, but some polite facsimile of friends. Like in a sci-fi movie with robots who looked just like people. What did they call those? Androids.

  Via was starting to worry that Evan was right. She hadn’t made any friends at school, she’d just made herself join in on a lot of activities and instead of cultivating real relationships, she’d made herself into a friend-droid.

  Determined to rectify this as quickly as possible, Via invited Sadie to go see a movie on Sunday afternoon. Sadie had enthusiastically agreed, easing some of Via’s worries.

  The two of them suffered through an Oscar contender at the Cobble Hill theater. Via enjoyed the movie theater itself—with its tiny screens and red velvet seating—considerably more than the actual movie. She was glad to hear that Sadie felt the same.

  “I’m so glad we spent an afternoon getting an inside look at that very famous and already well-documented historical figure’s private life,” Sadie said sarcastically.

  “And I’m very glad we got to see the very famous, very rich actor who played him try his hardest to win an Oscar.”

  Sadie laughed and then fixed her face into a sage expression. “Yes, I think we’re better for it.” She rolled her eyes. “We should have seen a chick flick.”

  “Definitely,” Via agreed.

  “Next time we won’t try to impress each other with our good taste and we’ll go see a movie we actually want to see.” Sadie winked at Via. “Ooh! I love the burgers at this place. You hungry?”

  Via blinked for a moment. They’d been strolling casually down Court Street, the chic clothing shops with their linen pants and delicate gold jewelry sort of blending into one long window of fashion. They hadn’t made plans past the movie and Via had been unsure if Sadie was ready to go home or what, but there she was, holding open the door to a burger joint, a huge grin on her face, her red hair tousling in the wind. Want a burger? Let’s eat! Easy as pie.

  “Oh! Yes. Sure!” Via wasn’t hungry due to compulsive popcorn eating, but she was not about to pass up this opportunity.

  Moments later they were seated in a booth and Sadie was dazzling their twentysomething waiter with her smile and a flirty flip of her hair.

  “Sunday afternoon beer?” she asked Via.

  “Sure.” That was very uncommon for Via, but it kind of sounded fun.

  The women ordered and chatted idly about school. Via hoped Sadie was having a good time. A few minutes later, when Sadie came back from the bathroom, her face was contorted into a mask of horror as she slid back into the booth.

  “Is that a Christmas song playing over the radio? How dare they! The leaves are barely turning yet!”

  Via smiled at Sadie’s outrage. “Not a Christmas fan?”

  Sadie shrugged. “Rae is Muslim and I don’t celebrate anything really. My family was never big on Christmas. We’re more of a Thanksgiving group of folks.”

  Via laughed at the snarl on Sadie’s face. “I can see from your expression just how much you love the holidays.”

  Sadie waved her hand through the air and then almost gave the waiter a heart attack with that smile of hers when he set down their food in front of them. “I used to love Thanksgiving, but ever since I came out of the closet, it’s just become the one day a year where my extended family either completely ignores who I am or they try to pretend that they’re totally cool with it by talking to me about Will & Grace. Either way, it gets old.”

  “Is your immediate family like that, too?”

  “No. Not really. I’m lucky in that way. My mom says she always knew and, honestly, I think my dad was kind of relieved that I wouldn’t be dating men. Not that that means it didn’t take them a long time to truly get on board with my life and choices and what it actually means for me to be gay. In practice, not just in theory. But they did well enough.” Sadie took a gigantic bite of her four-inch-tall burger and crossed her eyes in ecstasy. “What are the holidays like in your family?”

  Via’s much more modest bite of her much more modest burger froze in her mouth. She made herself chew and swallow, reminding herself that this didn’t have to be a big deal. “It’s very small. But nice. My foster sister and I have some traditions we try to keep up every year.”

  She let that word foster out of its cage and watched it do its magic. It was a special word, one that Via knew meant different things to different people. Over the years, she’d learned to let it do the explaining for her. She’d also learned that she could find out a lot about a person based on their reaction to it.

  “Oh.” Sadie cocked her head to one side, her mouth still filled with burger. “I didn’t realize that your family was nontraditional.” She rolled her eyes at herself. “Stupid assumption, I guess.”

  Via nodded. Something about Sadie’s reaction disarmed her a little bit. There was curiosity there, but not judgment. “Yeah. My parents passed when I was young and I went into the foster system. My sister and I are on our own now ever since her aunt, Jetty, passed away. She was my foster mom and Fin’s guardian.”

  “Wow.” Sadie was quiet for a minute and swallowed down her bite before she spoke again. “You’ve had a lot of loss in your life.”

 
That drafty feeling opened up inside of Via with such a swiftness that it nearly took her breath away. It was like too much wind was rushing up to greet her and there was nowhere for her exhale to go. She’d thought it was important to share this with Sadie because that’s what friends did, real friends. They shared things about their lives, even the hard, messy stuff. And Sadie had made it look so easy, talking about coming out to her family with humor and honesty. Via didn’t want to be the closed-off weirdo who was fine being a friend-droid. She wanted friends! Real ones! Was that too much to ask?

  But now there was pity on Sadie’s face and Via could choose between obviously changing the subject and showing how uncomfortable she was, or she could dive in further to settle Sadie’s curiosity. The thought made her feel sick.

  “I’ll be right back,” Via said in what she hoped was a bright, unaffected voice. She went to the bathroom and tried to settle herself. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and considered calling Evan. But the drafty feeling was full force and she shivered against it, putting her phone back in her pocket. She took a deep breath and headed back to the table.

  “I’m so sorry!” Sadie immediately blurted out the second Via sat down.

  “You’re sorry? For what?”

  Sadie’s cheeks were red and she looked more uncomfortable than Via had ever seen her. “I feel like I reacted in a really shitty way to you telling me about your family. I obviously made you uncomfortable. I just... I want you to know that it surprised me and it made me sad but that I don’t pity you at all. And I’m really, really sorry if it seemed like I pitied you.”

  Via gaped at Sadie. And for what felt like the hundredth time that afternoon, Via attempted to learn something from her outgoing, loquacious friend. “You...really just say whatever you’re feeling, don’t you?”

  “It’s a blessing and a curse,” Sadie said with a wince. “But I hope not a fatal flaw?”

  Via smiled and shook her head. “Not a fatal flaw. I admire it. And, Sadie, no apology necessary. You reacted just fine. It’s a hard thing to learn about people’s pasts. I’m going through kind of a weird time right now. It’s not you. Really.”

  “If you’re sure...”

  “I’m sure.”

  Sadie watched her closely for another beat before the worried expression gave way to her usual good-natured one. “All right. Well, if you have time, want to help me find a birthday gift for Rae? It’s in a couple of days and I’ve been striking out.”

  Via let the pleasure of the invitation fill her up. Telling Sadie hadn’t been perfect, but it hadn’t ruined everything either. It was one more thing that Via told herself to remember about that afternoon.

  * * *

  SEBASTIAN MADE HIMSELF useful by dragging the tables and chairs to one side of the library. It was the day of the dreaded yoga staff meeting and his pits were already sweaty. Great. Just great.

  As far as he could tell from chatting with his colleagues that day, the staff was split in two. Those who were already good at yoga and were thus pretty excited about it. And those who were terrible at yoga and were thus completely dreading it.

  Sebastian’s dread was twofold. One, he didn’t want to slip a disc in the middle of a sun salutation (yeah, he’d Googled it), and two, he’d asked Tyler about yoga clothes and learned a great deal. All he knew was that he really, really didn’t want to see Via DeRosa in some skin-tights. It had been bad enough on Saturday watching her sprint around the bases in a baggy T-shirt and a baseball cap.

  But how the heck was he supposed to keep his eyes in his head if she was bending over in yoga pants? The task was superhuman. Herculean, even.

  He took his frustration out on the tables, stacking them together neatly. He was glad he’d already changed into his T-shirt and basketball shorts (with athletic briefs underneath, of course) because he was already too sweaty for work clothes.

  When he turned back around he paused, a little jolted by the group of ten or so of his female colleagues who’d apparently been watching him move the tables around. The second his eyes landed on them, they scattered, like they’d been caught watching porn.

  Pushing those thoughts as far from his mind as he possibly could, Sebastian found Grace and Shelly across the room, tittering into their hands.

  “Looking mighty fine, Mr. Dorner.”

  “Oh, Shelly, not you, too,” Sebastian groaned. “I’m embarrassed enough as it is.” His eyes zeroed in on the yoga mats in their arms, looking like humongous, multicolored cannoli. “Oh crap. Was I supposed to bring my own? Great.”

  Something soft and cool touched his elbow and Seb turned, looking down into Via’s dark, warm eyes. Crap. He’d told himself that he wouldn’t look at her. His entire plan was to not look at her. And here he was, staring right at her. With her hair in a ponytail and looking as young as he’d ever seen her.

  Too young.

  And way too hot.

  Damn. She wore a tight, long-sleeve T-shirt and yoga pants that had some sort of sheer cutouts on the side, making her look a little more naked than she actually was. Lovely. That was just exactly what he needed in a moment like this. A sheer strip of skin from her calf to her thigh, looking for all the world like a roadmap to heaven.

  She looked young and energetic and athletic. Sebastian felt like an old dad with creaky knees, half a second away from a beer gut. Which, he supposed, he probably was. In fifteen years, she’d be his age right now. In fifteen years, he’d be Principal Grim’s age. God. If that wasn’t a visual that would snap him out of the puppy-dog eyes he hoped he wasn’t giving her, well, nothing would.

  “I brought a spare.” She held out a baby blue yoga mat. “I figured you might not have one.”

  Was that guilt on her face? Did she, perhaps, feel a little remorse at subjecting Sebastian to this fresh-baked hell?

  “Thanks.” He sighed. “Let’s get this over with.”

  “You’re right. We should get started.” Via walked to the front of the classroom. “Thanks for coming, everybody! Let’s roll our mats out and get a jump on it!”

  Sebastian repressed a groan. Of course she was leading the class. Because the universe wanted him to suffer. In fact, the universe wanted him to have to fight to repress a boner in front of his colleagues for the next hour. Because the universe was just that kind of asshole.

  * * *

  AS PAINFUL AS some of that had been to watch, Via had to admit that the group seemed infinitely more relaxed after the yoga class was done. But maybe that was just because they were out of the danger zone.

  “Call 911,” Sadie murmured from her puddle on the floor. “Better yet, just call the morgue.”

  “Oh, come on.” Via laughed. “That was a beginner’s class! We laid on our backs and meditated for the last fifteen minutes!”

  “Well, it was the forty-five minutes that preceded the meditation that I hope you go to hell for,” Sadie grumbled, making Via laugh again. “I need a drink. Anyone else want a drink?”

  “I’m there,” Grace called across the room, nudging Shelly, who nodded in agreement.

  “Me, too!” Cat, Matty’s teacher, called from the other side of the room, tying back her silvery brown hair.

  “I’ll come,” Via agreed, surprising herself. She’d had tentative plans with Evan tonight, but he often canceled on her, so she didn’t think he’d care if she canceled on him.

  “Sebastian?” Sadie called across the room, rolling up her yoga mat.

  Via busied herself gathering up her things. She didn’t look over at him. In fact, she’d been studiously attempting to ignore his existence for the last hour. Sebastian was as bad at yoga as he’d previously advertised. But there was no ignoring his athleticism. The man had good lines. And muscles out the wazoo.

  As she’d led the class, she’d looked pretty much everywhere else that she possibly could have. And even now, she felt strangely repe
lled from him. Like they were two magnets of the same charge.

  “Well, actually,” Sebastian’s deep voice rumbled over her. “I wasn’t sure how long this was going to last this evening, so I got a babysitter for Matty.”

  Via, still not looking at Sebastian, watched all the other ladies’ faces light right up.

  “Perfect!” Sadie clapped her hands together like it was a done deal.

  “Lemme give him a call and see if it’s all right.”

  “Your babysitter is a boy?” Cat asked.

  “Well, yeah. My friend Ty. But I meant that I wanted to call Matty and see if that was cool with him for me to be out longer.”

  He turned and pulled out his phone, striding to the back of the library. He missed the nuclear explosion of gooey eyes that followed him.

  “Oh my gawd. He’s calling his son to let him know he’ll be out longer than he thought?” Cat clutched her hands in front of her chest. “How in Jesus’s left ass cheek is that man still single?”

  “Beats me,” Grace said, shaking her head. “If I were thirty years younger and forty pounds lighter...”

  “Oh please.” Shelly patted her own hair and her friend’s shoulder at the same time. “You don’t need to lose weight, Grace. None at all. But I have to admit, I’d count some calories to have a crack at a man like Sebastian Dorner.”

  “Where should we go for drinks?” Via asked in a desperate attempt to change the topic.

  “Cider.” Sadie shrugged. “They should be able to seat us, even without a rezzi. There’s only six of us, seven if—hey, Rachel, you wanna join us?”

  One of the quieter fifth-grade teachers blushed and nodded shyly, stepping over to join the group. “I wasn’t sure if I was invited, but it sounds fun.”

  Via couldn’t help but admire Sadie. Always shouting out her thoughts and inviting people to do things. She wore bright, mismatched clothes, and chewed gum the second the kids were out the door. She just always looked like she was having fun. Via thought back to their lunch together, the ease with which Sadie had talked about the holidays and coming out to her family. Via would have bet a lot of money that Sadie’s aura wasn’t lonely, boring blue.