by Leanne Davis
“I remember everything. There is no mistaking anything. I was well aware of having you as my sexual partner before this morning.”
I smile sadly and gaze at the river. “But it only happened because your judgment was clearly off. You were drunk. And now you’re sober.”
“No, I’m not drunk anymore.”
“It was all a mistake, Devon.”
“Are you saying that? Or are you putting those words into my mouth?”
“Both.” My heart cracks at the frank admission. No! No, this isn’t at all what I want to say. But I do have some pride. A tiny scrap of myself that I keep close to me. He must never know what this means to me, or what I thought we had together. Honest to God, I was ready to buy us a puppy after choosing the flower girl for our wedding. Yeah, I’ve fantasized about a lot of things over the years.
This tapped into my most ardent fantasies. Scenarios that I detailed over and over in my brain and heart for years. Years! So it wasn’t too difficult to quickly realize that about myself.
I never wanted to be his midnight drunken booty call. I wasn’t prepared for that. I was, however, a willing participant so I have no one to blame but myself. I’m just facing reality. Shit, I wonder if he planned to pity-date me. Unsure of what to say to me, did he decide to just go with fucking as his version of dating me? As if he truly cared about me and wanted to start something? Sure, he cares about me as he always did. We simply happened to catch each other naked and horny. Scratched a few itches. Now we’re done.
“What are you going to do? Pretend you have romantic feelings for me?”
His butt scooches back and forth, and I know he is uncomfortable. “There’s no pretending. I do feel that way about you.”
“As a friend. Or better yet, as your little sister.”
“No. I would never do any of that if that’s all I felt toward you.”
“But not someone you want to be seen in public holding hands with and walking through the park on a Sunday afternoon.”
His lips just barely twitch. “It’s not really something I would do with anyone, actually. I don’t often do those things. You should know that.”
“I do. I know a lot about you. And how you’re acting now is the same way you would be acting with that nameless woman from yesterday. Grow up, Devon, be honest. Tell me the truth. What the hell happened?”
He leans forward, hunching over his coffee as he stares into it. He seems unable to pry his gaze off it. “I didn’t intend for anything to happen. Neither did you. It just did and then—what should I do? Tell you I don’t care about you? When I do? But you have to realize that I do this with lots of women. It isn’t so rare for me. I’m sorry about that.” He has the grace to wince as he tells me. “It’s pretty awful, and I see that. But I like to have sex with women when I’m drunk. No, you’re not just another nameless woman, and it wasn’t any hookup. It’s you, Claudia, and I really do care about you… so much. I just I don’t know what to do now.”
Tears fill my eyes and I wish I wore sunglasses. I’m relieved when he keeps his head down. Please don’t look up, I mentally beg him. I blink hard to staunch the flow of my tears and gulp when I try to swallow the knot lodged in my throat. Later. I’ll grieve later. Right now, I have to deal with reality. Save face. I have to see him again because I have no choice. Probably tomorrow, and he can’t know how hard this is for me.
“I don’t want a girlfriend. I’m not ready to settle down. I don’t think I ever will. I like being single. It surprises even me. After Ireena dumped me, I thought I had to cope with my sadness, but I think I like my freedom now. I can go where I want and do what I want whenever I want. I can see whomever I choose and when I choose. I like dating different women. I like working and spending my money exactly how I want to, without any need for justification or having to share it. I think I’ll do this for a while. Like a few more years. Not because I want to hurt you. This was—I mean, last night shocked me but it was also surprising and wonderful. You are amazing, and I care about you so much. But I don’t think I can be anyone’s boyfriend right now.”
Well, I can’t fault him there. I paid my dues for front row seats to this. It was I who forgot all about it. Dropping like a cinderblock into the here and now, I pretended it was different.
“And I probably cornered you with the chains of a new relationship. I’m sorry if I started to close in too tightly around you. That’s what I did, huh? Asking whom we should tell, and when and how much. You spent the day with me, despite being tired and preferring to nurse your hangover. Yeah, I know how you’ve been living since Ireena, and yeah, I doubt it will ever change.”
“I’m sorry. Claudia… This… I mean, us… We are still and always will be best friends, right? I mean, you still…”
Fuck! Now, I have to give him permission to leave me and say no hard feelings exist? To save face, I’ll give him a graceful out while I suck down all my humiliation and disappointment at my misspent humanity.
I can do that. I’ve been practicing it for years.
Maybe it was always destined to end here.
“Yes. Of course. We always have been. Nothing can change that. Look, it’s going to be weird at first. But I think it’s best if we just… you know, go on. It happened one night. We both had surprisingly great sex and being adults, we can handle that and each other without getting all weird or acting different. Okay?”
His shoulders relax with visible relief, and he nods his agreement eagerly. “Yes, you’re right. Of course. We can talk about this logically because we’re adults.”
“Yes. Tomorrow we show up for work, and we work. Just like we did on Friday. This was a pleasant but unplanned interlude. Right? Sure. No strings, no harm, no foul. Let’s nip it in the bud before it ever blooms.”
He nods and suddenly gets up. Coming around the table, he pulls my hand to bring me to standing in front of him. Then he clasps me in a tight hug. Ahh, how sweet. Not! That’s all sarcasm because I know he is overcome with relief. He could start kicking his heels up for joy to be free of me and us and this. I hug him back and play along. I let him think we are still friends and neighborly companions, like siblings or cousins or co-workers. Yep. Sure.
He’ll pursue his ambitious climb towards earning more money and buying more stuff. So what if it’s not to prove that Ireena was wrong about him? Not anymore. I think he moved past that, and this is his newest desire and goal. I totally missed that. Truly. I erroneously believed he was drowning in anger and hurt over their betrayal. Turns out I was wrong. He thought it was fun. He likes doing it and continues to for that reason.
He kisses the side of my face on the cheek. God, I could freaking punch him in the nose or fall to my knees and cry. Instead, I calmly lean back and say, “It’s okay. I’d rather be honest now than have both of us regretting it later. Right? Nothing was damaged. We just had sex. So I think I’ll go home now. I need a little time but tomorrow—”
“We’ll be okay?”
No. Never again. But I smile all the same. A fake, plastered on, way too bright, shitty smile that he should know is bogus. He should know me well enough to realize that. I believe he really does know, but he doesn’t want to admit it so he pretends otherwise. What a fucker.
“We’ll be fine.”
He lets me go. I turn and grab my garbage before stuffing it in the trash. He stands there, both hands in his coat pockets, shuffling his feet. Very unsure. Very uncomfortable.
Fuck him.
I smile like always and way too brightly. “By the way, my dad’s coming to town.” Then I turn away as I head back. My car is still parked at his condo complex. I know he’s going to walk with me so it’s no surprise when he jogs to catch up to me. There’s no sensible reason why we should not walk back together. But this time, the space separates us. I gnash my teeth at his presence.
“Your dad. Why?”
“Checking up on his company. And on our work. Duh.”
“Um… you didn’t think to tell me that s
ooner?”
“I forgot. After seeing all the strange women and dragging you to your family party and fucking you… well, my mind’s been a bit preoccupied, and I was not thinking about my daddy.”
Oh, damn. Major sarcasm. I want to bite my tongue. I was not supposed to act like that. Not now and definitely not so soon.
He’s quiet for a moment, absorbing what I said. I’m sure he’s tongue-tied from surprise and astonishment. I never talk like that and never, ever in his presence.
“Claudia?”
Oh, the soft, caressing tone of his voice. I hear the sorrow. I gave away too much. I stop dead in my tracks. “I can be pissed off, Devon. I’m not always as nice and chirpy as it might seem. In fact, I get mad and pissy and angry just as you do. I am right now. But I’ll be over it tomorrow. Okay? I would be the same with any guy I had sex with one night if he didn’t want to go to lunch with me the next day. I don’t do one-night stands. You should know that.”
“I wanted to eat lunch with you. I just didn’t know what to say. I can’t stand hurting you.”
“You didn’t. I’m mad. Just let me be mad.”
Of course, I wouldn’t be mad if I weren’t so hurt. But he spares us both by not pointing that out.
I turn and start heading back, setting a quick pace. He walks with swift, long steps to keep up with me. I don’t care. I’m quickly losing the battle to restrain my emotions.
Finally, the damn condo complex. I break off and head for my car. He follows me. Why? How can he be a gentleman now, of all times? I often leave the office where we work together alone or leave his condo all by myself, and I walk in solitude to my car. Why would he try to escort me now? I gnash my teeth and bite my bottom lip to stay silent.
“Claudia… we should talk some more.”
“I firmly disagree. We should show up and just do our jobs tomorrow while we both forget this ever happened.”
He steps in front of me as I yank on the door handle. His voice is soothing. “Claudia… we can’t just do that.”
I suck in some air and slap his hand when he rests it on my arm. I grind my teeth harder. “I need to just do that. Don’t ask me for anything more. Don’t even ask me why. You don’t want the answer, and I don’t want to tell you. So just leave it at that. Forever. Let me pretend this never happened and we are only friends and half-assed cousins and all that. Let me have that peace and serenity. You got to decide about us doing this… so let me have that. Let me just be.”
He stares down at me, and I keep my gaze averted. Hurting and aching, I feel the color staining my cheeks. I am both sweaty and cold. Embarrassment, shame, and the proximity of him do that to me. He steps aside and gives me more space and my answer. I get into my car, grateful to escape. I don’t look back when I pull out onto the road.
Chapter 6
DEVON
I never meant to hurt Claudia. I stare at her retreating taillights and want to kick something. Damn it. None of this showed up on my radar for this weekend. It started out so normal. I went out Friday night. I met someone and shared a ride home with her. I drank much more than usual because I knew Dayshia’s birthday party was on Saturday. I never intended to go to it. And knowing my family was getting together without me was and is still hard for me to swallow. How did I become the social outcast? I never tried to steal my twin’s girlfriend. But Damion is the father of the baby. An innocent baby that I still don’t know how to accept. It’s so hard for me to turn my back on Damion’s little baby.
Then I ended up having sex with Claudia Tamasy? I groan out loud and feel so discouraged as I go back inside my condo. The afternoon sunlight illuminates the bedroom and I flop down on the bed to nurse the headache that pounds in my temples.
I know I did the right thing.
Even if it required Claudia for me to do it. Fine. I am a jerk and a wimp who can’t speak up to her. But she woke up looking so pretty. Yeah. All bright, smiling and sparkling eyes. The joy I saw in Claudia was hard to ignore. I can’t help but like and admire it.
And now I’ve ruined our innocent, brother-sister alliance. She assumed it was something else. Much more than yesterday’s hookup. I couldn’t find the words to explain because I knew it would ruin her illusion of it, as well as her respect for me. I didn’t want to be that guy. Not to her. I lean forward and run my hands over my temples and the sides of my scalp. The truth is: I am that guy now and I like being that guy. I started out doing it as my version of saying fuck you to the world, well, mostly to Ireena and Damion, until it became fun. Yeah. That’s how deep it is to me. Just fun. I earn a lot of money, and I spend it all doing things I enjoy. Why not? It’s all mine. Me to the highest power. Selfish? Sure. Of course I am. But how can it be wrong if I don’t drag anyone else into it? I’m not hurting anything. Or anyone. At least I wasn’t until today. About an hour ago.
Claudia likes me. I know it. She always has. I assumed she was interested in me but in the way you feel toward half the people you went to high school with. Under the right circumstances, you might ask them out or want to date them. That’s how I foresaw the relationship between Claudia and me. But judging by her reaction, I might have underestimated it and what I mean to her.
Crap. Unfortunately, I cannot avoid her like I did Ireena and Damion because I work with her. Not just because I’m near her office, but often directly interacting with her and her dad.
And our families are interconnected in a deeply rooted family-and-friends kind of bond.
My epic litany of mistakes and misfortune seems to be continuing in my life. Only this time, I have Damion’s role. I’m totally in the wrong. I made a mistake and accidentally hurt others with my actions. My regret is harsh and real and yet, what can I do? I have to go to work and try to be friendly, all the while pretending what happened with us never did.
I’ll make nice. I’ll act normal until all of the awkwardness eventually disappears. I’ll fake it until we are friends again, as we once were. I can do that. I should do that. I want to do that. With my plan now firmly set, I hunker down and watch nothing in particular as I try to pretend this wasn’t the worst weekend of my life. Everything about it went sour, and people got hurt and yet, all I can think about is Claudia. How she felt under me, over me, against me… fuck. I finally have to take a sleeping pill because it’s late at night, and I can’t get her out of my head. Falling into a cloud of oblivion where I never experienced the best sex of my life, much less lost it, I drift off.
CLAUDIA
I enter the office building of Tamasy Industries the next day. It occupies one end of a large warehouse that fronts the Columbia River just a mile from downtown Vancouver. Situated there for both tax reasons as well as easy access to cargo ships carrying US exports, this Washington branch has remained open continuously for five years. I started working here after I graduated with my master’s degree. That was always my plan. Yes, nepotism gave me the advantage, and I landed a well-paying, managerial position in a stable corporation and industry. But Devon received the same partiality I got.
Although Tamasy Industries bears our last name, the truth is: my dad didn’t found it. He started T&K Metal Works, naming it after the initials of him and my mom. They later merged with Tamasy Industries, but only after his grandfather died and left the company to him.
Raised in Marsdale, a relatively small town located in northern California, I had nearly daily contact with my mom’s parents, Donny and Tracy Lindstrom, as well as my Aunt Allie and Uncle Nate and their two boys, Asher and Ethan. Being a year older than me, we were more like surly siblings towards each other than cousins. I’m surrounded by twins so maybe that’s why I developed such a strong crush on one in particular. Plus my Aunt Julia and Uncle Chris had two kids as well, a son, Liam, and a daughter, Shay. If you add up all the family friends and relatives I encounter regularly, I have an endless stream of people in my life.
They still live in Marsdale with my two sisters, who are now twenty-four and twenty-three. We’re all nearly eig
hteen months apart. Claudia, Clarissa, and Carrie. Three of us. We used to fight a lot when we were young, right up until I left for college in Portland. I never returned home again for more than a brief vacation or holiday. I left my BA program and moved the short distance to Vancouver with the sole intention of working at Tamasy Industries. Tamasy Industries is known for its custom metal fabrication, and it continues to hold the trade title as it has for many years. We excel at providing custom-designed, unique, short-term metal items and very quickly. Most of the other companies take three weeks to create the products that Tamasy can finish in a week. They also have a niche market providing custom-made parts to the military. Like my dad, I lacked any hands-on metal-working abilities. Our strengths were exclusively confined to managerial skills.
In other words, we remain strictly in the office, busily typing at our computers rather than occupying the workshop in our warehouse and making the custom metal parts we provide for our various customers.
After my dad’s grandpa died, he left Dad the original family business. My dad almost sold the company just to deny my grandfather the satisfaction of retaining the family name, even in death. But we eventually convinced him he couldn’t jeopardize so many people’s jobs, not to mention the astonishing success he made of his own corporation, just to satisfy an old grudge. His grandfather’s death allowed him to run the company as it always should have been run. Doing that, he doubled the value of T&K and Tamasy Industries. Shortly thereafter, they chose the more widely known and dominant name of Tamasy Industries. With branches all across the country, they remain mostly on the coasts or beside large rivers to more easily ship the goods internationally.
Dad finally stepped back a little bit. He’s letting his general managers take more responsibility for the day-to-day supervision of the offices. Dad’s more interested in the big picture and works mainly as a strategist, as well as checking in regularly, usually unannounced, to keep us all honest.