by Leanne Davis
Mom whips her head up. She was staring down and ruminating out loud over her pleasure at hearing about the new me. “Claudia? Does she know?”
“She knows. And I want to say that to her but she won’t let me.”
“Why not?”
“I hurt her. I ignored her and took her for granted. I never considered her feelings for me. For years, I ground them under my boot heels until now, and she doesn’t believe me. I did that without knowing how much it hurt her.”
“Claudia… was in love with you for years?”
“I think she has always been in love with me. You didn’t know?”
Mom shakes her head. “I thought she liked both of you. She hung out with you guys so often, and Damion was always included. She didn’t really single you out until Damion betrayed you. That was when she took your side. I thought it was because of the circumstances and not for any preference for you. She was always cordial, interested, and polite to me. She was so easy for both of you to hang out with. And to answer your question, no. I had no idea she loved you, to be perfectly frank.”
“Yeah? Well, I should have known. And later, something happened.”
Mom smirks. “Something? As in sex, Devon?” Her tone is crisp and dry, and she raises her eyebrows for humor and emphasis.
I scooch around uneasily. “I really screwed up. I hurt her pretty bad. Enough to make her disappear from my life. Or, more precisely, enough to make her regard me only as the friend I insisted we were. Turns out, Claudia means everything to me, and I failed to realize that until she wasn’t there.”
“Perhaps you miss the connection you shared. The bond she has with you more than because you are in love.”
“That’s what she thinks. But I know different. I sense a peace inside me that is so calm and confident whenever I think about being with her. I see myself saying I love you to her. Over and over again. I never felt that way before. Usually, I just panic and run for fear of commitment. I act like such a—”
“Player? Jerk? Fidelity-phobe?” Mom supplies for me. Heat flushes my face with embarrassment, and I realize all at once that my mother is well aware of my former lifestyle.
“Well, yeah. You knew?”
“Of course I knew. You’re a grown-up now, Devon. What did you think? You bristle with aversion if I even mention your sex life, and I respect that it’s yours and not mine. It’s very personal. Yes, I believe you’re with consenting females and all that, but I also know what you’ve been up to for the last two years. I’m not blind, after all.”
“The last few months I’ve been celibate.” I crumple in my seat and my grumpy reply makes my mom smirk. I never bring up my sex life to anyone. I had no idea she knew so much. Damn it. How could she know?
“Are you celibate because of Claudia?”
“Yeah. I never imagined myself with her until I started to review every major landmark decision of my life. Then Ireena died, and that was like having a brick wall shoved in my face. The universe was saying Stop! Just stop and look around that wall. The path you’re on is nothing more than a bad habit. It wasn’t what I wanted at all. I’m still trying to find my true path. I turn, pivot, taking the left or the right. I want to find my life’s desire. I don’t want to fall into something I end up hating that goes on for decades, you know? Like the wrong career. I fear I’ll accrue a shitload of bills I have to pay so I’ll be stuck doing something I hate just to get out of debt. Or support a family in a loveless marriage. Do I want those things? How do I plan to get them? When? Who the fuck do I think I am? I guess I need to know the answers to those questions before I can actually expect to love someone else and give them all that they deserve.”
“And do you believe that someone will end up being Claudia?”
“I do.”
“You’re intelligent, kind, competitive, charming, and fun to be around. You’re easy to love and people like you. You’re a player at times but a respectful one. You care about your family and your home here. Your image and your way of life have certain standards that matter very much to you. There is nothing accidental about your life. You plan everything, execute it and make it happen. Hearing all of this is not shocking for me. You were temporarily derailed by Ireena and Damion, but now you’ve regained your old self. This is the real Devon Willapana.”
I smile. She doesn’t have to ask; she knows who I am in every detail. She was always like that as a mother and a friend. There is no one better than her.
“I’ve decided I don’t want to have a career in metal fabrication. Or in business. I only did it for the money. It’s really Claudia’s thing. She’s much better at it than I am anyway. How could we manage to move forward? We’ll lose the chance if we continue working side-by-side. Those kinds of dynamics just don’t work.”
Her eyebrows rise with curiosity. She leans forward, folding her arms on her desk. “Okay, this time you surprised me. Have you worked out a plan already in your brain?”
“I plan to move back to Silver Springs and live with Damion and Dayshia. I want us to get our own place. I want to work here. At the café.”
Her mouth drops in astonishment. No words come out.
I smile. “You don’t know me that well, huh? I want to work in the place you built from the ground up. You made it a vital gathering place for the entire community. You changed the whole town with it. Our family and the Kincaids are respected pillars of this town because of it. I grew up here, and I love it just as much as our family home. I adore it. I walk in and feel at home. I can’t wait to come back to this place. I have everything I want in life here. I recapture all the wonderful memories I lost and the values that make me who I am. I lost you and Dad and Damion and this place. But worst of all, I lost myself. I want to learn how to do everything you do and keep it going for the next generation. You deserve to retire, but no one is as efficient and responsible as you. I’d like to try and fill your shoes. That is, if you want to take a chance on me. If you’ll teach me all I need to know.”
Tears fill her eyes. I so rarely see my strong mother cry. She cries for happy, tender moments. Like seeing Dayshia smile or sympathizing when Damion or I get hurt. Nothing like this.
“You would do that for me? Take over the management of this place?”
I nod my head. “Why won’t my mother believe that? I’m sorry I never voiced my thoughts about it out loud before.”
Her face is filled with joy. “It’s just so damn nice to hear from my son. Yes. Yes, of course. I would love for you to work here. I would be thrilled to have you and teach you everything I know. Yes. But are you sure? It’s a far cry from the big-city, big-business, big-money lifestyle you’ve excelled at and become so accustomed to.”
I nod. “I feel surer about doing this than anything I’ve done in the past decade.”
She gets up and puts her hand out. I stand up and put my hand in hers. “Then, all I can say is welcome aboard.”
“Where should I start? With the dishes?”
She grins. “You remember that, huh?”
“To run a business properly, there is no job you can’t do, no job you shouldn’t do, and no job you’re too good for? Yeah, I remember the work ethic you and Dad drilled into us.”
She laughs. It’s such a light, pleasant sound. Lighter than anything I’ve heard from her in a very long time. I know the feud between Damion and me nearly ruined her. The relief in her tone is something so profound, I have to walk around her desk and surprise her with a bear hug. I kiss the side of her face. “You are the best mom in the entire world.”
I wish I had more descriptive words. I want to be more articulate in evaluating her uncanny understanding, unconditional kindness, and graceful poise towards everyone I know. The way she soldiers on despite all the punches and jabs life hands her. Her continued survival after her twin was violently murdered is testament to her strength. But her abundant love toward my dad and me and Damion is a clear manifestation of her generous heart.
Having a mother like that, how could I fail to re
cognize love? And not know what true love feels like? The qualities I seek in a woman come directly from Mom, and I know I can find all of them in Claudia.
This moment is rife with clarity. I really didn’t lose anything when Damion cheated with Ireena. He lost her, not me. Although I’m sorry for the way it ended, I doubt the relationship they shared would have succeeded into old age.
I know the relationship I shared with Ireena was doomed from the start. I’d probably have become a powerful businessman with lots of money but lacking joy and happiness if I married her. I would have wound up miserable and loveless. Ireena wasn’t the woman for me.
Mom clutches me and warbles, “It’s a gift for me to see you finally healing and to watch you become the man that you really are.”
After a long hug, she releases me. “Have you talked to your brother yet?”
“No, but it’s on my to-do list.”
“Along with?”
“Quitting my job, explaining why to Claudia, selling my car, extricating myself from the lease on the condo, finding a place to live here, buying a cheap car, and—”
Mom starts laugh. “Okay, okay. So you’re really going all out for this new life stuff?”
“I really am, Mom.”
“How about next Monday? We could start there? I’ll show you the books. Tara can give you a more thorough understanding. But she’ll be delighted to have your assistance. We’ve both been thinking the time is fast approaching for—well, we’re both getting so damn old.”
“Sixty is the new forty,” I say as I kiss her cheek again before letting her go. “You’ll never be old, Mom.”
She waves at me, indicating I should leave. With her smiling and pretty, it feels so damn good to make my mom as happy as she is. She will always be an angel to me.
I leave there, feeling so glad. That must mean something. It’s the right thing to do. I feel no panic or regret quitting my job. Or selling my car or the condo. The unwanted trappings of a life I now reject. A life that didn’t bring out the best in me. I’m ready to change. I want to be the person Claudia once loved, even if she doesn’t love me anymore.
Pulling into Tamasy Industries, I glance up at the warehouse and rows of offices. I suck in a deep breath and nod to myself. Yeah, this is right. As it happens, Tristan is in town so I can just tell him and be done with it.
I enter the building and receive the usual greetings from all. Claudia waves from her desk with a phone stuck to her ear. I pause for a moment and stare at her, soaking in the working scene that’s become so familiar to me. Claudia’s hair is pushed behind her ear and she taps the end of her pen against her closed lips. It’s something she frequently does when she disagrees with someone and is thinking about how best to say it.
I turn and head for the office Tristan uses when he comes here. I tap the wall and he looks up. “Hey, Devon. Come in.”
“Do you have a minute? I’d like to talk to you.”
“Sure. What’s going on?”
I sit and smile, thinking of the last conversation I had with my mom.
“I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the wonderful opportunity you offered me when I started working here.”
He glances up, his eyebrows rising. Sitting up straighter, he waves a hand around. “It wasn’t only an opportunity for you, but also for the company. You had the right degree, the work experience, and good references. We didn’t offer you any handout. But you already know that about yourself.”
“Yeah. And that’s what makes this hard.”
“What?” His eyes seem wary. He knows at once that I’m quitting, but he doesn’t know the reason why. Not yet.
“I’m quitting my job.”
His eyes widen. “May I ask why? Is there anything we could do that might entice you to stay? Perhaps a generous raise? Or more benefits? I intended to review those items with you later this year.”
I smile. “It’s not a shakedown. I’d ask for a raise if I thought I was being undervalued. The thing is: I’m in love with your daughter. I don’t see how my future plans with her could succeed if we work together like this. It’s too confined. We need more boundaries. I’d rather have Claudia, and maybe someday, if she ever believes me, I will. She means so much more than a career, and I’m also going to move back home. I’m planning to run the café with my mom and Tara. They both want to retire someday.”
I’ll be working with his sister. I smile at all the funny interconnections. Are all tiny towns like that? I always assumed I wanted to live elsewhere for that reason. Now I come to find that having been raised in a small town, it is exactly where I feel most comfortable.
His eyes widen, and he raises his eyebrows and opens his mouth. Yeah, my honesty tongue-ties him. I can only grin.
“Does Claudia know?”
Yeah, this is where any details stop.
“Yes. And no. Not positively. She’s got plenty of reasons to doubt me. I’m hoping that with this move, I might start rebuilding her confidence in me.”
He leans back with a small smile on his face. “She’s always had a raging crush on you.”
“You knew that?”
“Yeah. I knew it before she did, I think. I work with you two, remember? It was hard to miss. I knew long before her mother knew.”
“I didn’t. I hurt her with my stupidity. And now, I’m seeking a new way.”
He leans forward. “You really don’t have to quit. I think you two could succeed together. Either way.”
“I don’t.” I soften my tone. “I don’t want to take the chance. I want to do everything right. And I want to honor the legacy of what my family built in Silver Springs.”
He nods. “Yeah. I get that. I just don’t want to lose you. You’re a valued employee, and I won’t be able to replace you easily. That’s all. As your boss, I am trying to beg you as an employee not to leave. But I get it.”
“And Claudia?”
He glances up with a smile on his face. “Good luck. That’s something I am afraid I cannot help you with.”
“I mean, you don’t mind what I said?”
“I want Claudia to be happy. She’s an adult. I’m aware of all that includes. So good luck, Devon. From the bottom of my heart. It pleases me, but she will never let my opinion sway her feelings.”
“God, I hope she’ll let my feelings sway hers,” I say as I press a hand to my forehead, knowing Tristan is spot-on correct. For all her congeniality and warmth, the true Claudia is tough as steel and equally as strong. She knows her feelings and refuses to compromise them.
Tristan walks around and shakes my hand. We discuss the particulars. He grins one last time. “Obviously, ask Claudia to help with your leaving. Good luck.” He walks around the desk and sits down.
Does he think he’s doing me a favor? By putting me in her sphere? Or in the line of fire? I’m not sure which it is. “Thank you.”
I leave and go straight to her office. She’s off the phone now and turns in her chair to ask, “What’s going on? What were you and Dad discussing?”
I walk forward. “Can I sit down?”
“Sure.”
I clear my throat. “So…”
Her eyebrows rise and she leans her neck out and mimics me. “Sooo… what?”
“I quit. That’s what we were discussing.”
“You what? Quit? Why the hell would you do that? Is this about us?”
I nod. “It is. It’s completely about us.”
“That’s too personal. You don’t quit your job over us.” Her voice rises.
“I agree. And the reason is most important to me. Actually, this is one of many changes I’m making.”
Her head shakes, and her hair is swinging. The curls bounce on her shoulder. “What are you doing?” Her gaze feels hot and intense on mine.
“I’m trying to fix things. Mostly me.”
She grumbles in a low growl that seems to come out of her stomach. “Devon. Is this because you asked me what you could do to change my mind? I already
told you not to do anything. Don’t do this. Don’t do anything.”
“If I do nothing, then I’m the same as I’ve always been since Ireena and Damion cheated on me. I don’t want to be stuck in that place anymore. I want to be free from all of that. It isn’t just you. But yeah, there is no denying that I have deep feelings for you. You’re tougher than me. Working with you every day and ignoring my feelings is too hard. See? I’m too weak and needy. I can’t steel my spine like you can. I’m kind of a wimp as it turns out.”
She stares at me and squints her eyes and scoffs. “You’re being stupid. I waited a decade to tell you how I feel and you waited like ten minutes. You think that qualifies as suffering?”
I smile. I can’t help it. She’s flustered and turns pink with her annoyance. I want to lean over and kiss her mouth. But she’d probably knee me in the groin for taking the liberty and trying to shush her. Yeah, that is pretty condescending. But I can’t help thinking it. Plus, she doesn’t want that right now. I have to earn her permission. Maybe someday.
“When you put it that way. No, it doesn’t.”
“Suck it up and get back to work. We have way too many orders and the logistics have to be determined. You don’t have the time to deal with your feelings. You have to work. You can’t just up and quit now.” She rises, slamming her desk drawer shut and seeming to leave her office. Is she dismissing me? Or this conversation? Is she ignoring my formal resignation?
Her legs pump furiously as she tries to pass me. I jump up and grab her arm. My intention is not to manhandle her but to catch her before she departs. “Claudia. Wait.”
She yanks her arm from me. “For what? More stupidity? More hurt man-feelings? More nonsense?”
“Okay. I deserve all that.” I rub my head. Why is she always right? It’s makes me fail to appear to be the healthy, informed decision-maker. I bungle my delivery as I bungle everything with Claudia lately. Everything that matters the most to me. “So… just wait.” I take a deep breath and lift my shoulders before starting my explanation all over again. “I have to quit because I’m moving back to Silver Springs. I’m going to eventually take over the café. My mom is pretty excited about that, and so am I.”