by Marie Scully
I run my fingertips over the ink once more. If I’m honest, I don’t know what to think or feel. I don’t know if I feel better or worse knowing that it was an accident but that he knew his death was likely and never stopped. It makes my blood boil. He left me alone—maybe not intentionally but he did leave.
Sitting the letter to one side, I clench my hands tightly, knowing that if I rip up the letter now, I’ll regret it later. But all I want to do is tear it into a thousand pieces and scream at him.
Tears burn the backs of my eyes, threatening to escape. I miss him. I think I’ll miss him forever. But I’m angry. So angry. And he’s not here to see my anger, which only makes me madder.
Letting out a frustrated breath, I grab the letters and shove them into my bag. I don’t have time for this today. Today is a happy day. Today is the day that I move in with Liam and we start a new chapter. One filled with love and happiness.
❖
After a night of cooking, unpacking, and making love, we both pass out from exhaustion. As tired as I was, I didn’t think I was capable of dreaming. But I do dream.
❖
The grave markers greet me like rising tulips. If tulips were depressing and sad. I don’t want to be here. But I am here nonetheless. In reality, I hadn’t gone to James’s funeral. I don’t even know if he’s buried. After his death, I ran and tried not to look back, though in reality, I think I did a shitty job at not looking back.
The graveyard is empty except for the birds singing. The sun is bright, burning my eyes. I move my hand to cover them and I see a figure leaning over. I guess that’s who I’m supposed to meet.
I wait for the nerves to fill my dream-filled subconscious, but instead, each step gives me a sense of calmness and readiness. Placing my hand on his shoulder, I softly say, “James.” He continues to sit on his haunches, glancing over his name.
“Hi, Danny. It took you long enough.”
“I wasn’t aware we had an appointment.” Even in my dream, my anger sneaks out.
“You’re happy, Danny?”
“Yes,” I say because it’s the truth. It feels good to be happy.
James nods. “Good.” He stands. “Come on. Now’s your chance to say what you want to say. Your last chance for a while at least.”
My eyes move to the trees swaying in the breeze, the full leaves and fresh buds signaling a new lease on life—the irony. Words seem to be dying on my lips. James moves in front of me and takes me slowly into a hug. My arms instantly move around him. Tears slide down my face, and I finally find my words. “Why did you do it? Did you know how it was going to end? You were getting better.”
His arms tighten. “I was. I just wanted that feeling one more time. I did mean it to be the last time, but I took what I used to, and my body couldn’t handle it anymore. It wasn’t supposed to happen.”
I continue to hug him, knowing that once I let go, he’ll be gone, and I’ll wake up. He doesn’t have to tell me this is the last time. I know. There’s something final about this dream. Maybe it was something we both needed. “I’ve missed you.”
“I know, but you’re going to be okay. You were always going to be okay without me. When Mom died, it was you that was strong. It was you that held everything together, and it was you that saved me many times more than what you should have. It’s over now, Danny. I’m okay now.”
He moves to pull himself free of my hold, but I close my fingers tighter. The harder he moves back, the looser my hold becomes before finally releasing him.
Looking into his eyes, I see that they’re once more filled with sparkle, like when we were children.
“Bye, Danny.”
As my name finishes leaving his lips, he disappears, as if he’d never been there in the first place. I tell myself to remember everything.
❖
My eyes open to the bright room. Liam’s arms are wrapped around me, holding me close.
❖
“Morning, sunshine,” he mumbles into my hair, eyes still closed from sleep.
“Mm, I could get used to waking up like this,” I say, moving deeper into his embrace.
“Could you now?” He moves to kiss my cheek, his eyes now fully opened. “How did you sleep? You were tossing and turning all night.”
“Was I? I feel like I slept well.”
“Did you dream?” he asks.
I search my memory, but I can’t remember if I dreamed the last night.
“Hey, love birds. Are you both decent?” Megan’s voice yells from down the hall.
Liam groans, grabbing the cover and pulling it over the two of us. “Maybe if we’re really quiet, she won’t know we’re here,” he whispers against my ear.
“Maybe some people, but this is Megan we’re talking about.”
He groans again, knowing I speak the truth, then covers his eyes with his hand like a child. I start to crawl from beneath the blanket, but he grabs my arm, pulling me on top of him. “Where are you going?” he asks, rubbing my back.
“I’m going to say hi to our guest.”
His hand continues to move down my back, making soft, seductive circles. Leaning in, I say against his lips, “Mr. O’Connor, are you trying to seduce me this early in the morning?”
“If you have to ask, maybe I’m losing some of my skill.”
As I roll away and off the bed, he pops his head out from beneath the covers, and I say, “Maybe you are.”
Throwing on black shorts and a white top, he lunges from the bed after me.
“Well, I guess I’ll just have to keep practicing.”
Hopping from his grasp, I know that if I let him get a hold of me, we’ll never leave the bed and Megan will come in at the worst time.
In the kitchen, I find Megan and Ben at the counter, drinking orange juice and what I assume is champagne.
“Little early?” I ask, pouring myself a glass without bubbles.
“Only if you’re Mormon,” Megan shoots back. Ben nods in agreement.
“What are you guys doing here this early?” I ask.
“Well, we were hungry and were in the neighborhood and thought maybe you guys were making breakfast and had extra,” Ben says hopefully.
“Plus, we know you cook better than the rest of us, so you’re our only hope of not starving today,” Megan says before taking another sip of her drink. “Oh, and we wanted to see how the unpacking was coming,” she says, looking around at the half-empty boxes scattered throughout the kitchen.
Liam enters the room and quickly moves to my side, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me on the forehead. Megan and Ben give us looks of mock disgust.
After wiggling from Liam’s grasp, I open the fridge and remove the few breakfast items that we have. Ben asks if we can make pancakes, but I find no mix. It takes a little convincing to get the guys to go to the store, leaving Megan and me time to catch up on our own.
After a few minutes of talking and me beating eggs, Megan says nonchalantly, “Well, I guess there’s no time like the present. I told Ben about the job offer.”
“And?” I ask.
“I gave him a choice to come with me, but he doesn’t want to go. In the past, I thought that maybe one day he would change his mind, but this time it’s different. We’ve both drawn lines in the sand and neither of us is going to budge.”
I nod, knowing that she’s right.
❖
Liam
After two hours of breakfast, Ben and Megan are finally convinced to leave under the belief that Danny and I are going to unpack. In reality I just want Danny to myself. Before they leave, Megan tells us about accepting the job in New York. Ben says nothing.
“Hey,” I say as Danny sits in my lap with her arms around my neck.
“I can almost hear your thoughts,” she tells me.
“Can you now? That’s an impressive superpower.”
“Thinking of Ben?” she asks.
“Yes. I can’t help thinking about what it was like when you left. I know how h
ard it will be for him. I couldn’t take that feeling again.”
Leaning forward, she places her forehead against mine. “I guess it’s a good thing that where I go, you go.” Pulling away, she continues, “And I want to go somewhere.”
She jumps out of my lap and stares at me. I’m getting suspicious from the look on her face.
Darting from the room, she yells, “Come find me.”
I leap from the couch and run after her, moving from room to room, until we end up in the bathroom. She’s already turned the shower on. Pulling her shirt over her head, she gives me a slow smile and throws the top in the sink before sitting on the countertop.
I take a step closer. Wrapping her legs around my back, she pulls me in, holding me in place. Then she leans back into the mirror, taking me in. Her eyes dance over my face.
“Take off your shirt,” she commands.
The shirt comes off easily and quickly.
“Now my pants,” she purrs.
Quickly I pull them from her body.
“Now—”
Before she can continue her demands, I lift her easily off the countertop. Her legs are still around my back, her arms around my neck as I slide open the shower door. The hot water kisses our bodies. Leaning her back on the tile wall, I move my lips to her neck, kissing and nipping. Her moan of approval urges me on.
❖
Danny
The hot water has nothing on Liam’s lips and tongue as they move over my body. Making me hotter than that water ever could. My legs grow tired of being wrapped around his back and one after the other they slip to the shower floor. Liam doesn’t seem to notice as he continues to run his lips over my soaked skin.
As his mouth moves across my neck, his fingers slip over my clit, each stroke faster and more precise than the last, and I moan in contentment, allowing the pleasure to grow within my body. I move my body against his fingers, needing just a little bit more. I can feel his grin against my neck as he slows down.
Hearing my growl of displeasure, he commands, “Not yet.” And in one fluid movement, we join as one—first with slow strokes. Digging my nails into his warm back, I urge him to go faster. Words have escaped us now. Instead, we feel each other and let our movements and bodies do the talking for us, each stroke and moan becoming its own language, till finally the pleasure builds to the point where we both reach our peak.
After catching our breaths, Liam inquires, “How was that for seducing?”
“Who seduced who?” I ask, pointing to the bathroom countertop, reminding him who started the game.
“Mmhmm. Group effort?”
I nod, moving my head to his shoulder. “I can work with that.”
“I love you, Danny,” he says.
“I love you more,” I answer.
Epilogue
Megan
The closer we get to the airport, the quieter the car gets. Ben’s eyes are firmly on the road. I was surprised when he pulled up this morning to take me to the airport. I was just about to call a cab when he arrived. I was expecting him to try to convince me to stay during the ride, but there had been only small talk.
Nerves run all over my body, causing me to pick at my nails. In the past, I could always find something to talk to Ben about, but now it seems we’ve both run out of topics. It’s breaking my heart.
“Ben.” He takes his eyes off the ride to glance at me.
“What?” he asks, his voice gruff with emotion.
“Nothing,” I say. I really don’t know what I was going to say anyway. We go back to silence. Maybe that’s safer this time.
Ten more minutes pass with neither of us saying anything. The exit to the airport is up ahead. If there is anything to say, I need to say it soon or I’ll never say it. I know once I leave, everything will change.
Everything I want to say runs through my mind, but nothing makes sense.
He pulls the truck into the parking spot nearest the airline’s check-in counter then hops out and grabs my bag from the truck bed. I sit in the truck for a minute longer before joining him.
He rolls the bag to me. “You sure you want to do this, Megan?” he asks.
A lone tear escapes my eye as I say, “You sure you don’t want to come?”
He swallows before answering. “You know I can’t. I need to stay here. This place was never enough for you. I knew that the first day I met you; you were always made for bigger and brighter things, though I did hope that I’d be enough for you, even if this place wasn’t.”
I nod. “You were enough for me for a long time, Ben. You know that. You’re the reason I stayed as long as I did. I guess we both hoped the other would change, and maybe we have changed a little, but not enough.”
We stare at each other for what feels like hours. I know that if he says anything else, I’ll change my mind and stay. And if I do that, I’ll never leave. But leaving is something I’m doing for myself, and I need this—I need to push myself.
Pulling up the handle of the suitcase is my final acknowledgment to both of us that I’m leaving, but he doesn’t say anything as I lean forward and brush my lips against his cheek in goodbye.
Without another word, I turn my back on Ben and roll the large suitcase towards the airport doors. I don’t look back. I can feel his hot gaze on me, daring me to look back. Daring me to change my mind. But I don’t.
The automatic doors open, and the sound of the busy airport greets me. It’ll be good for both of us—we’ll both grow as individuals and maybe one day we might be together again, though if nothing else we’ll always be friends. We’ll both see that this is the best decision for each of us. It’ll just take time.
That’s all
❖
Three months later
Liam
The crowd fades away the moment the gates open. All fourteen horses and riders have one goal: Be the first to finish. This race feels different than past races. This last year has had some of the most complicated and exciting months of my life: Danny entering my life brought forth emotions and memories that I had long since buried—things I hadn’t realized were weighing me down till they were off my shoulders.
Lex called to wish me good luck before the race. She told me that Dad had been calling her off and on the last few months and that she’s been avoiding his phone calls. When she asked me what I thought she should do I told her that it was her choice. While Dad and I were starting to find peace in our relationship, I wasn’t going to push Lex. They both have their issues to work through and pushing it won’t fix anything.
Flame senses that we’re nearing the finish line and speeds up, leaving numbers four and seven behind and nearing number nine, now in second place. We got this, I think and hope.
Nicole will be getting out of her treatment center next week. The doctors told her parents that she’d made significant progress. I only visited her once over the last three months. I needed to clear the air. Nicole was apologetic and remorseful, but while I’m not as angry as I initially was, I can’t forgive her for what she put Danny through. While everything worked out, there was a high chance that it could’ve turned out a lot worse, and if I’d lost Danny that day, I don’t know what I would have done.
The energy circles around us as excitement and anticipation fills the air: Who will win and who will lose will be decided in a matter of seconds.
Flame pulls slightly to the right and speeds up just enough. Yes. The thought flickers across my mind and I raise my hand in the air, my body pulsing with adrenaline. Turning my face to the large crowd I look for the one person I know will be more excited than I am right now. Danny.
❖
Danny
“Come on! Come on!” I thought I’d been yelling in my head, but from the looks I’m receiving, I’ve screamed out loud. I don’t care. I can’t keep the excitement racing through my body in anymore.
Jimmy jumps excitedly by my side. His eyes don’t leave the race in front of us. Ben and his parents, as well as Pat, wring the papers i
n their hands, leaving wrinkles that will never come out, no matter how many books they place on top of them.
Half of us are breathing heavily while the others are too worried and excited to dare breathe at all. I’m out of breath as if I’m the one in the race, not Liam and Flame. Over the past year and a half, Flame has come a long way from not letting anyone near him to allowing riders on his back. From the moment Sarah found him, she knew that he was born to run, but none of us knew just how much. He beat the odds by coming in third and second and then slowly taking the win, race after race.
Putting himself in the position to reach higher goals than any of us had ever set for him, it was as if he sensed whatever one thought about him and amplified it in himself until he finally showed his true colors. I knew from the moment I met him that he was a winner and now everyone else would too, though even if Liam and Flame didn’t win today, they would always be winners to me.
“Come on!” I yell once more. Glancing at Ben, I see that he can hardly stay still, bouncing back and forth on his heels.
The announcer’s voice fades as I watch Liam and Flame race to the finish line, in sync with each other. Running as one. Just a few more seconds and there’ll be a winner.
“YES!” Sarah yells as she grabs Bill in a tight hug. He’s in shock, his mouth opening wide to inhale air and possibly a nearby fly. Jimmy grabs my hand.
“Danny, did you see? They won. They actually won.”
No sound emerges as I take in the sight. Sarah, Bill, and Ben push around me as they now race to meet Liam and Flame. Jimmy tugs on my hand, and we follow the others to the winner’s circle. Liam hasn’t noticed us yet, which gives me the opportunity to take the sight of him and Flame in. His smile is contagious, and I can feel my own get larger. Flame stands tall and proud with his head straight. He seems to be enjoying the attention.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Pat wiping his eyes. I look away so he can have his moment in peace. Since the night I saw my father again, Pat and Liam have slowly grown closer once more. It’ll take a while for real progress, but any development is better than none.