by Laura Winter
“What?”
It was the most painful word he had ever said to me. My heart broke, knowing it would only get worse. His energy faded from concern to anger but I had to shove him out of my head, focusing instead on keeping myself under control. Breathing steadily, I turned my attention to my surroundings, feeling the cold tile, the burn of jeans rubbing against my cheeks, and the soft trickle of water running down my back from where I had broken the pipe with my impact.
The voices slowly stopped clawing at my skull, though even their faded screams were enough torture to make me sick. I didn’t need any more of that tonight, because facing Nate was potentially going to be worse than what I had just experienced.
I lifted my head, feeling my gut wrench as I saw the look of complete betrayal on his face.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “Please, can you give me a second to figure out what to say?”
He gritted his teeth, trying to mask his anger. “You said you could hear my thoughts. Do you have powers?”
“Yes, but it’s not that simp—“
“So you knew about my powers already?” he snapped. “That’s why you didn’t freak out. How long have you known?”
I bit my tongue. “The first day of school.”
He let out a frustrated breath as his hands gripped into fists. “Two months? You’ve known for two months and you never thought to say anything before now?”
I understood his frustration, but I couldn’t help but feel attacked. He had no idea how vulnerable I was in this situation, and his anger was making everything worse.
“Just give me a moment to explain, please.”
“You’ve had two months to do that, Clara. You knew I had powers because you’ve been reading my thoughts and lying to me for months!”
“I haven’t…” I took a breath, trying to stay calm. “I haven’t lied. There’s just a lot to explain and it’s complicated.”
“It’s not complicated,” he shouted. “In fact, it’s quite simple. We both have powers, and all of this could have been avoided if you had just told me you could read my thoughts. How do I know you haven’t been manipulating me? How can I trust anything you’ve ever said to me if you’ve heard everything that goes through my head?”
“I don’t listen to everything!” I snapped back, letting my emotions take over. “I can block them, but right now with this headache, I can’t concentrate long enough to tell you my side of the story.”
Nate growled under his breath before shouting again. “Two months. You had two months to do that instead of… this. Playing whatever game this is. What is it you want from me? Why do all of this? I mean, how can I trust you now when you’ve been lying our entire relationship?”
I fought back the sob that still very clearly jerked through my body. He was right, but he also had no idea what I was going through. Hell, I didn’t even know what I was going through or who I was running from. The Complex was still just as much a mystery as the day I discovered them, not to mention the Blue Star voices constantly making things worse.
Nate sighed and rolled his eyes, impatient with my lack of answer. “I should have known this was too good to be true. That none of this, of us, was real to you,” he snapped, standing up.
Anger surged through me. “How dare you,” I growled, pushing off the ground as my fists clenched. “Don’t you dare assume that it wasn’t real for me after what I shared with you.”
“You gave me nothing but lies.”
“I gave you everything!” I shouted. I heard his thoughts scoff at the word everything and I lifted my finger at him in warning. “I did. I gave you everything I had because it was all I had to give. You might think I’ve lied this whole time, but I have only ever told you one since the day I met you. My name isn’t Clara.”
I could see the statement startle him, but he frowned as the anger returned. “Who the hell are you?”
Glitch suddenly popped in between us, gasping in relief. “Oh, good. You’re not dead. I don’t think anyone saw you guys, but I guess C knows about us now.” He glanced between us, realizing that Nate and I were locked in glares with our fists clenched. “Uh, did I miss something?”
“Who am I?” I growled, my eyes still locked on Nate. “That’s the question I’ve been trying to answer for two months since I woke up with the last eighteen years of my life missing. All of my memories gone in an instant. Do you have any idea how terrifying it is to not remember your name or what you look like? So for the last two months, I’ve been trying to figure out where the hell I came from and why I have these powers. But despite being completely lost in this world, there has always been one good thing in my life, and that was you. I gave you everything I had, and when I say everything, I mean everything. So, no, I didn’t tell you about my powers for two months because I had no answers for you and I was terrified to ruin what we had… the same reason you didn’t say anything to me about your powers.”
I shoved past him and headed for the door, pausing only briefly to finish my statement. “Don’t talk to me about trust until you lose your entire past and wake up scared and alone.”
18
Clara
I sat on the edge of my bed, staring at the blank phone screen. For some reason, part of me wanted there to be notifications to ignore, but I knew the truth. Nate was the only person I needed to understand what I was going through but he didn’t give it a thought. He broke my heart just as quickly as he had built it up, all because he thought I was lying to him. Now he wasn’t speaking to me and I had lost the only friends I had.
News reports said that while the storm came out of nowhere, it wasn’t out of character for Forest Hills. The earthquakes were something new, however, and no one could explain that. Buildings across town were damaged, but the gym took the brunt of destruction.
I was pretty confident I hadn’t caused the storm, but if I could launch furniture, was I capable of causing an earthquake across an entire town? If I had caused the gym to collapse when I hadn’t released a complete outburst, what else could I accidentally do?
School was the last thing I wanted to deal with, but I didn’t have a choice. The rest of the buildings were structurally safe so Monday resumed normal classes. Part of me wanted to just stop going altogether. It’s not like I had a reason to return. School wasn’t going to give me answers to my past and I sure as hell didn’t want to see Nate, but if someone from The Complex was looking for me, I had to try to blend in like normal. Plus, I wasn’t going to let some stupid boy ruin my life like this, even if it wasn’t much of a life to begin with.
I threw on some jeans and a black hooded sweatshirt to prepare for the long day ahead of me, but when I walked out of the closet, Nate’s sweatshirt was folded neatly on the bed. The last time I had seen it was when I threw it in anger somewhere in the library Friday night. Now House was trying to get me to take it. I’d return it to him eventually, but not today.
“I’m not wearing it,” I growled, folding my arms as I ignored the creaking that echoed through the room. I picked up my bag and swung it over my shoulder, turning to find the sweatshirt hanging on the door. “Seriously, House. I tried talking to him and he blew me off. I get that I screwed up, but so did he. Look, I’m already having a hard enough time trusting myself without memories. I don’t need more drama.”
House protested by locking the bedroom door before I could leave. I rolled my eyes and flicked my fingers, unlocking it easily. The only bonus of being so angry all weekend was the hours and hours of practice I got with my powers as I pretty much destroyed the training room with my telekinesis. At least I had figured out how previous me could lift the heavier weights.
I pushed out the front door before House could block my path with Nate’s sweatshirt again. The walk was lonely, just like the first day of school. Even my music lacked its normal boost of emotion, but right now it was the only thing keeping me grounded from the headache. The constant pound had annoyed me all weekend, but now the voices were more present in
each throb of pain.
As I stood outside the door to class, I watched Nate and Glitch in the back row. Nate didn’t look nearly as bothered as I thought he would be, making me even more frustrated. I pulled my hood up and stuffed my headphones inside so Mrs. Roberts wouldn’t see. If the music was loud enough, I could get through the three classes I had with Nate.
I kept my head down and walked inside, sliding into my desk while avoiding eye contact with my ex-boyfriend. It was easier to resist looking at him if I focused on the music, fighting the temptation to listen to Nate’s thoughts. I used my newly discovered trick of changing songs without touching my iPod, scrolling to find familiar tunes to focus on instead. Every time I had the urge to listen, I pulled my arms tighter around my stomach.
God, how could he have not seen what he did to me? You didn’t need mind reading abilities to understand that losing memories would scare anyone. Was it more terrifying that I had been so caught up in his whirlwind that I missed his true nature?
Maybe what was more frustrating was that I always ended up blaming myself for everything, and that wasn’t fair. He shouldn’t have the power to be blameless in this. The reality was that there were more important things going on in my life than Nate and my relationship. He was actually the one holding me back from finding the answers to my past. He was a distraction, helping me create this fake version of myself that didn’t want to find my memories because I wanted this to be my life. I needed to figure out who I was and who was coming after me. I needed to have my memories so I could be prepared.
My mind flashed back to my notes. ‘F’. That’s who I needed to find; the girl who wanted to fall into the Blue Star, into the cold. Maybe I could find her in there. Maybe that’s how I became… this.
I took a breath and focused on the cold feeling as it washed over me. The music faded with my headache as a cool brush of air swirled around me. I let my emotions out easily, feeling the weight of everything lift off my chest.
I felt lighter; calmer. There weren’t any memories, but at least I didn’t have to feel that draining emotion anymore. No more pain, no more sadness, and no more headache. This was the step forward I needed. I would find answers, one bit at a time, even if that meant submerging myself in the cold and letting the Blue Star take over. It was the only progress I had made in months.
19
Nate
Spending the weekend alone was miserable, but I didn't want to see anyone, or be forced to talk about what was spinning around my head.
Clara had betrayed everything I had given her. For months she was playing us, manipulating us to serve whatever purpose she had. None of it was real to her.
Everything about our relationship was built on a lie.
And then she had the nerve to accuse me of betraying her trust? How was I supposed to know she had powers? How was I supposed to know it was safe to tell her about my own powers when I'd never met anyone else with them besides Glitch? This wasn't supposed to happen like this.
The real issue was that I still had that damn dream where she bled out, and as much as I wanted to hate her, waking up and thinking she was dead made me miserable. I don't know why I had to see it every night, or what trick she might have played on me to make me see it, but at least the part about seeing her with powers made sense since she actually had them.
As if life had to get any worse, school was still a thing. The gym was destroyed, which effectively put an end to PE, but we still had to attend. And that meant first thing in the morning, I'd have to see Clara... or, whoever she was.
Glitch was annoyed at my silence, and even more so that I completely ignored the cold rush of air as she sat next to me. There was something different about it today, and maybe it was the fact that I was upset with her instead of head over heels obsessed, but it almost felt bitter. Pretty accurate for how I felt in this whole thing.
I turned forward as class started, catching stray glimpses of her hooded figure sitting in the desk next to me. It was pretty obvious we were both doing our best to avoid looking at each other, and once silence settled over the class, I could pick up the vague hint of music playing from her earbuds that she hadn't removed.
Why was she even attending school anyway? She didn't know who she was, and it's not like she had something to do here, so shouldn't she just be... I don't know, anywhere but here?
Her words echoed through my head from Friday night. Alone. Even if she had no reason to be here, she also had nothing outside of school.
I shoved the guilt aside, letting my anger remind me that she was the one lying. I couldn't even be sure she had been telling the truth that night. It might have just been another trick.
But life had to keep punching me in the gut. After avoiding Clara all day, I came home to another unwelcome relationship problem. My dad’s car was parked outside; the crisp, black shine of a vehicle that got more attention than I did, reminding me how much I was going to hate what came next.
I pushed through the door.
"Nathaniel? About time you got home from school," he shouted from his office.
"Walking takes a bit of time, you know," I groaned. This was the last thing I wanted to deal with. My face was ready to be shoved into a pillow for the rest of the night, not rehashing arguments with my dad or explaining why my ex-girlfriend just ripped my heart from my chest and left me empty of emotion.
He stepped into the living room in his suit and tie; always intimidating. He was only about an inch taller than me, but when he dressed like that, it felt like he might have been eight feet tall.
He looked me over. “Glad to see you're okay. I heard about the school gym on Friday, and since you didn't answer your phone all weekend, I needed to check in on you."
Shit. I had let my phone die, not wanting to deal with any drama, but probably should have texted him something this morning when I finally turned it back on and saw the missed calls.
"I'm fine," I grumbled, dropping my bag to the ground as I shuffled over to the couch.
"Doesn't sound like it. Everything okay?" he asked.
I folded my arms. "Oh, right. Because after three months, you decide to come back and ask if I'm okay, but only because the gym gets destroyed. Next time I need your attention, I'll be sure to burn down the school library."
"Easy there, Nathaniel. You know I'm busy, and your mom and I are really trying to make things better for you. We trust you with a lot around here, but I get that you deserve something more from us. I just want to help."
Great, guilt. But when you don't see your parents for an extended period of time, sometimes it's hard to remember they actually have genuine feelings about you.
"I'm sorry. It was just a long day... well, a pretty crappy four days in general. I shouldn't take that out on you."
I rolled back on the couch and stared at the ceiling as my dad sat in the chair across from me.
"Well, a gym collapsing during the volleyball game will do that to you," he said, a small chuckle escaping his throat. I'm glad he thought it was funny, because I was pretty sure my ex-girlfriend had been the one to destroy it.
Then the idiotic thought crossed through my head. What if I just told him about my powers? What if I shared what really might have happened to the gym? What about sharing what happened afterward, and the heated fight Clara and I exchanged that led to us breaking up? But Glitch and I had a promise, and even if I couldn't share most of my life with my dad, at least I could possibly get some advice.
"Well, I guess that was part of it, but after, my girlfriend and I got in a fight. I found out she had been lying to me the whole time we were together... well, I guess it was more withholding information, but still. It ended badly."
"Girlfriend?" he said, leaning forward.
"Wow, please try to act more surprised about the fact I had a girlfriend," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Sorry, I just didn't know you were in a relationship," he said, a smile forming.
I cut that off before he had a chance to br
eathe. "I'm not anymore. Our relationship came crumbling down as quickly as the gym."
He sat back in his seat. "I'm truly sorry to hear that, Nathaniel. Do you think there's a way to fix things? Would you want to fix them?"
"It's probably too late for that, but I think that's more on her now," I replied with a shrug. She'd be way too stubborn to admit she was wrong, though. There was no fixing that relationship.
"Son, if I've learned anything in my time, it's that relationships are a two way street. You have to be willing to do your part as well, but only if that's what you really want."
Terrible advice. She's the one who broke things in the first place. "Cool. Thanks."
I guess Clara wasn't the only stubborn one. I rolled off the couch and picked up my bag, dragging myself up the stairs to go wallow in my misery a little longer. At least it was better to focus on that emotion than the enormous empty pit in my heart.