by Aidan Wayne
Jerrell put his own apron on, a bright yellow thing covered in French words and pictures of pastries, before opening his cupboards to start pulling out bowls and the rest of the ingredients.
“Have you ever been to France?” Rafi asked, leaning against the counter to watch him. It was frankly unfair how good he looked in the apron.
Jerrell shook his head. “Not yet. I want to go, though. I think it’d be really cool to take some pastry classes there. Or just tour around and eat all the food. Or both.”
“Sounds like a marvelous way to spend a vacation.”
“Yeah.” It was something he was saving up for, but, “I don’t love traveling alone though, so I’ve sort of put it off, over the years.”
“That’s a shame.”
“It’s okay. I’ll find someone who wants to go with me eventually.” As he said it, he wished he could take it back. It sounded too wistful.
Rafi blinked. “You’ve had trouble finding someone to go with you to a beautiful country to further explore your passion and share that time together?”
Jerrell shifted uncomfortably, not sure what to do Rafi’s surprise. As though Jerrell was a catch. “Uh, well, you know.” He shrugged, “It’s not for everyone.”
Rafi opened his mouth, then closed it again, frowning. “I’m sorry,” he said after a second. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You didn’t,” Jerrell assured him. “But anyway, you want to know what we’re making?”
“Oh, yes! Of course.”
It was a lot of fun, baking with Rafi. Jerrell wasn’t used to talking much while he worked, but Rafi asked questions about why things were done a certain way, and it was kind of neat being able to explain and be sort of an authority for something.
Soon enough the batter for the cupcakes was finished. Jerrell brought the cupcake mold over to his floating counter so that Rafi, who had needed to take a break and sit down, could attempt to fill them while seated. They both laughed over the spills.
“You’ll get it eventually.” Jerrell grinned as he took over at Rafi’s insistence.
Rafi huffed, amused. “You’ll help me practice, yes?”
Jerrell turned away to slide the mold into the oven, trying to sound flippant when he said, “Sure. As long as you want to.”
By the time he turned back around, he was able to smile again. He wanted to enjoy the time he had with Rafi while he had it, not spend it moping. “Here.” He handed Rafi the batter-covered spatula. “Second best part about baking.”
Rafi eagerly took it. “What’s the first best? Raw batter is very good.”
“Yeah well, wait til you’ve had the fully assembled cupcake. My caramel is no joke.”
“Is that what’s next?” Rafi asked in between licks of the spatula.
Jerrell tried not to get distracted by his tongue. “Yep. More science.”
Rafi grinned. “It’s delicious science. I can’t wait.”
Jerrell grinned back. “Good to hear, since you’re today’s taste-tester.”
“The best job I’m suited for in the kitchen, really.”
Jerrell chuckled and went about showing Rafi how he made his go-to caramel sauce that he was going to use as a filling and finishing drizzle. Since the sauce was mostly a lot of standing and stirring, Rafi settled back into the chair and contributed by being entertaining. And, of course, happily trying whatever Jerrell handed over.
When the sauce was done and set aside to cool, Jerrell began cleaning up his station and tools. Rafi stood back up and insisted on helping, so Jerrell had him clean the whisks and the bowl for the standing mixer. “We’ll make the frosting once the cupcakes are out of the oven and cooling,” Jerrell explained when Rafi asked why they weren’t making it now. “It frosts best fresh, and you don’t want to frost a hot cake. Trust me.”
Rafi gave him a wry smile. “That particular lesson I’ve actually learned from experience.”
“Oh yeah? That sounds like a story.”
So Rafi started telling him about when he was a resident and wanting to make something for the staff at the hospital he was working at. “I could have just bought something, and honestly, that would have been the smarter choice. But residents pretty much spend their lives running on fumes, and in my sleep-deprivation I decided I need to make everything from scratch.”
Jerrell was overtaken by amused horror by the time Rafi got to the part where he had a semi-cooled cake soaking up melted frosting. “Oh man, that sucks. And must’ve been super frustrating.”
“It was.” Rafi shook his head. “There was no saving it. I had to throw it all out. Brought in store-bought in the end after all.”
“Aw, I’m sure they appreciated it either way.”
Rafi chuckled. “It was edible and chocolate-flavored, so yes, it did get a good reception.”
The timer went off then, so Jerrell turned to check on the cakes, taking them out of the oven when he found them ready.
“And now we wait for them to cool?” Rafi asked.
“Almost. One last step.” Jerrell held up his wire rack. “We just wait a few minutes, and then I transfer them to this to cool the rest of the way. Leaving them to cool in a hot pan increases the possibility of them continuing to cook, which can dry them out.”
“Oh. I didn’t know that.”
“Yeah. It’s an extra step, but pretty worth it.” Jerrell set the rack down on the counter. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m feeling fine, thank you for asking.” Rafi smiled at him. “And thank you for inviting me over. I’ve really been enjoying myself.”
Jerrell matched his smile. “I’m glad you came. Oh, uh–” He took off his apron and hung it up, then held his hand out for Rafi’s. “I can put the apron away. We won’t need ‘em for a while.”
Rafi untied his apron and handed it over to be hung up, then he stood to watch Jerrell shake the cupcakes out of the tin and place them on the wire cooling rack. “And we’re done,” Jerrell said, washing his hands. “Now we wait. Do you maybe want to move to the living room?”
“Sure.”
Once they were seated, tucked up close next to each other, hands linked again, Jerrell took a breath. “Hey, um.” He glanced down at their joined hands, then back up into Rafi’s eyes. “I’ve got a suggestion on how to pass the time.”
Chapter Eight
“You can touch more,” Jerrell panted in between kisses, thrilling a little at how Rafi’s grip tightened on his shoulders but otherwise didn’t move from where they rested. “If you want.”
Rafi gazed up at him with wide, dark eyes. “Not even a question,” he said, voice breathless, immediately stroking one hand down Jerrell’s arm before letting it drift to his waist.
Jerrell closed his eyes for just a moment before pushing closer again, Rafi meeting him halfway. As if he’d been waiting for permission–and it seemed as though he had been, because Rafi’s touches became bolder, hands roaming back up and down Jerrell’s arms, over his back. Pulling him in. Jerrell went easily, happy to let Rafi take the lead.
Kissing Rafi was addicting. Jerrell would have been more than content to spend hours like this, them kissing on his couch, moving together in a way that felt unreal. He was tempted to. Tempted to just let himself have this and not go farther yet. Maybe leave Rafi wanting more for today.
He could. Could pull away and say that they should probably get back to the cupcakes. Make some teasing remark about how they shouldn’t let their work go to waste. He knew Rafi wouldn’t push to continue.
But Rafi could also choose to move on at any time. Jerrell was his experiment. Rafi could decide tomorrow that he was happy with what he’d gotten out of things. Could decide that he wanted to enter the dating scene for real.
Jerrell wanted him so much. And, at least right now, Rafi wanted him back.
“Rafi?”
“Mm.” Rafi’s expression was soft and hazy. He looked so, so beautiful. “Yes?”
Jerrell darted in to kiss him again. �
�Come to bed with me?”
Rafi gave him a startled look, and for one heart-stopping moment Jerrell thought he had made a mistake. Moved too fast. Suggested something Rafi wasn’t interested in.
Then Rafi smiled. “I’d love to,” he murmured against Jerrell’s lips.
***
They walked hand-in-hand to the bedroom, and when they got to the bed, Rafi went straight for it, taking a seat and reaching for Jerrell, pulling him down next to him. He grinned and cupped Jerrell’s cheek in one hand before leaning in to kiss him, slow and deep, other hand carefully skirting around the bottom hem of Jerrell’s Henley. His fingers dipped underneath the cloth to brush Jerrell’s skin, making a questioning sound as he did so. Is this okay?
“I’ll do you one better,” Jerrell said, breathless and giddy. He shifted away just enough to pull his shirt over his head and drop it to the floor.
Rafi looked nothing but appreciative as he brought his hands up to stroke over Jerrell’s bare chest. “Gorgeous,” he murmured before ducking down to mouth at Jerrell’s neck.
Jerrell shuddered against him, arms coming up to circle Rafi’s back, and it was only natural to lean back until they both ended up horizontal on the bed, legs hanging over the side but–
Rafi hissed, a clear sound of pain, and Jerrell froze. “What? What’s wrong?”
Rafi pushed himself until he was a little more upright. “It’s alright,” he said sounding strained. “The change in position jarred my hips.”
“Okay.” Jerrell tried not to panic. “Okay. Do you need anything?”
Rafi shook his head. “It’ll be fine. It’ll pass.” He moved until he was kneeling on the bed, wincing the whole time.
“I–we can stop–it’s okay–”
“Jerrell, I’m fine.” Rafi gave him a wry smile. “If I let my pain stop me every time it made itself known, I’d never do anything at all. It’s okay, really. Besides–” and the smile turned wicked “–you are an incredibly pleasant distraction from it.”
“Um. Okay.” Jerrell didn’t want to argue. It was Rafi’s prerogative to decide what he could handle. “Is.... you said the position bothered you. We can move? Would that… help?”
Rafi nodded thoughtfully. “Lying down is more comfortable for me, because I don’t have to work as hard to support myself.”
“Yes,” Jerrell said immediately. “Yes, yeah. Okay. Lie down?”
Rafi did so, lying on his back, body stretched out on Jerrell’s bed. “Join me?”
Jerrell was careful lying down next to Rafi, rolling over onto his side to get closer to him. He was still feeling a little rattled though, unsure of what to do next. The last thing he wanted was to cause Rafi pain.
Rafi rolled his eyes, expression fond. “I’m not going to break.”
“R-right. Yeah.”
Rafi wrapped his fingers around Jerrell’s wrist and tugged. “Kiss me?”
And if Rafi was asking to continue, if he really was fine, Jerrell wasn’t going to deny him.
***
“These are amazing,” Rafi enthused after trying one of the completed cupcakes. They’d made it back to the kitchen eventually, to finish them up. Rafi had thrown on Jerrell’s hoodie and was swimming in it. Jerrell sort of wished he was brave enough to ask for a picture. “I’d ask for the recipe, but I’d be entirely useless in making them on my own.”
“You weren’t that bad,” Jerrell said, leaning against the counter with his own cupcake. “You did like half the work today.”
“I watched you put everything together,” Rafi replied before taking another bite of cupcake.
“And taste-tasted. That’s an important part.”
Rafi chuckled. “I’m happy to continue volunteering my services for as long as you’ll have me.”
Jerrell tried to squash the happy flip-flop his stomach made at that comment. “I’ll keep that in mind, for sure.”
They ended up ordering food in, too, after almost another hour together, and ate it curled up next to each other on the couch while watching Life of Pi, at Rafi’s suggestion. More cupcakes were had for dessert, and then it was late enough that Jerrell had to start thinking about bed, since Sunday was a work day for him.
“I’d ask you to stay the night,” he said. “But I’m getting up before four and you don’t need that on a weekend.”
“I don’t think I’d mind,” Rafi replied. “Since it’d still be waking up next to you. But I can’t tonight anyway. I take medications at night and in the morning, and I’d need those. Maybe we can plan for next time?”
“Yeah.” Jerrell smiled. For right now, he was still wanted. He’d take it. “Next time.”
***
Sunday was good. Jerrell woke up with a lot of pleasant memories of the day before, and work was the usual busy that let him sink into a haze of concentration. He had Monday off, too, and he thought a lot about asking if Rafi wanted to spend some more time together that didn’t involve a ridiculously early wake-up call the next day.
He didn’t have the usual texts from Rafi when he got off work, but he’d settled a little more comfortably in being the one to text first. Sent, Off work! How has your day been going? and then headed home to grab his gym stuff.
Rafi hadn’t replied by the time Jerrell got to his place, but he shrugged it off. Changed and went out again.
He always turned off notifications on his phone while he worked out, the same as when he did at the cafe, in order to lessen the chance of being distracted. But when he was done and he checked his phone for messages… there still wasn’t anything from Rafi.
Jerrell got home. Took a shower. Still nothing.
Was it okay to send another message? Should he just leave it? Let Rafi contact him when he wanted to? He hoped Rafi was okay. He usually was pretty prompt when it came to replying to texts.
Jerrell: Hey, hoping you’re having a good Sunday!
There. That was okay, right? Didn’t sound pushy. Just… putting it out there. That Jerrell was around.
***
Jerrell got ready for bed still not having heard from Rafi at all.
After two weeks of near non-stop texting back and forth, it was jarring to lack it. The last one Jerrell had from Rafi was from Saturday evening, letting him know that Rafi had gotten home safely and wishing him a goodnight.
He didn’t understand. He thought that Saturday had gone really well. From the cupcakes to what happened after to back to the cupcakes, Rafi had seemed happy. Satisfied. Jerrell had… had thought that Rafi’d enjoyed himself.
But maybe… maybe that had been what Rafi had wanted, after all.
It had happened before. Guys angling for sex, building up to it, then making it clear once it was over that they didn’t need him anymore. Didn’t need him for anything else. He’d gotten pretty good at picking up on those signs though.
Had thought Rafi might be different.
But that was just him being stupid, wasn’t it? He’d known from almost the get-go that he was simply a trial run. Rafi had been honest about it. It had been refreshing, if a let-down. And he hadn’t even pushed for anything–Jerrell had been the one to offer it up.
He just…
He just thought maybe, this time, he’d warrant a goodbye. Something. Anything. Over being ghosted.
He couldn’t regret it. Rafi had had a good time. Jerrell had too.
And now he had memories of what it could feel like. Being treated like a person worth loving.
Jerrell went to bed.
***
Monday was hard. He slept in as late as he could manage. Went to the gym. Ran errands and did food prep for the week. Went to the VA, which further exhausted him. Thought about what he’d tell Mary and Melody, when they inevitably asked for updates. Decided to just say that it was a simple, mutual decision and leave it at that. He wasn’t going to throw Rafi under the bus. If he even came back to the cafe.
Jerrell kept checking his phone though. He couldn’t help it. By Monday afternoon he was so
sick of himself that he just turned his phone off. It was less disappointing that way, that it wasn’t alerting him of a message. He managed to pass the time until it was reasonable, if a touch early, to get ready for bed, and did so with his phone still off. His wristwatch alarm was what woke him up in the mornings anyway, so it wasn’t as though he was really missing anything, being unplugged for a little while longer.
***
Up Tuesday, and Jerrell went to work. His phone stayed off as per usual during a workday, so that wasn’t even an issue. Mary asked how his day off had gone and he answered something non-committal. Kept his head down and did his job.
Around eleven, Melody poked her head into the kitchen. “Jerrell, visitor for you.” Jerrell looked up, confused. She grinned at him. “He’s been good about not interrupting you at work, so I’ll let it slide this time.”
“Rafi’s here?”
Melody rolled her eyes. “Lord. No, it’s Saint Nick. Go say hi to your boyfriend.”
He’s not my boyfriend. “I–yeah.” Jerrell put down his piping bag. “Okay.”
Rafi was at his usual front corner table. Jerrell approached with some trepidation. He hadn’t been expecting to see Rafi again. Had figured if Rafi would be coming back to the cafe, he certainly wouldn’t be asking to talk to Jerrell.
He licked his lips, nervous. “Hi?”
Rafi smiled at him. Which–it wasn’t fair, that it still made Jerrell’s stomach flip flop. “Good morning. I’m sorry to bother you at work. I just wanted to apologize.”
Oh. Jerrell’s heart sank. Here it was. Guess he was getting a goodbye after all. While at work. Unable to do anything after except try to smile and go back to the kitchen. Part of him was mad about it. Rafi couldn’t have done this yesterday when he was at least off? Jerrell had thought better of him. “It’s okay,” he said shortly. “I get it.”