by ChaShiree M
Walking into the bedroom, I put my keys and shit down, while taking off my clothes. When I lean over and look at her, gutted does not begin to cover it.
She went to bed crying. I am such an asshole. I slide in behind her, kissing her head as I lay down and pulling her into my arms. Silently, I promise her I will make it up to her. Somehow.
4
Lisette
Going to sleep without him is nothing new, but it hurt worse than the last seven years did. Once again, I cry myself to sleep, but that is nothing new either. I strip down to nothing, crawl into his bed and feel surrounded by him, which intensifies the crying. Later on, I feel him climb in the bed behind me and he pulls me closer to him. I open my eyes and see that it’s just dusk. I roll over and his lips find mine. God, how I have missed this over the years.
Seven years without him was hard. When the feelings didn’t go away, I knew he was my person. The person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I was so sure he moved on to another girl. A girl who was in Bleak. I am so beyond blessed that he was just as hung up on me as I was him.
“I’m so sorry I dumped all that on you, Troy. It wasn’t fair of me,” I say when we break the kiss. God, I could live on just his kisses. His kisses make me feel alive again.
“Think nothing of it, Lissi. I asked. I needed to know. I know you didn’t leave me. We can just move forward from here.”
“How can we?” I ask. “It seems impossible. Too impossible to get over.”
“We can. You have to know that if I’d known what was happening with you, I would have been there in an instant,” he says adamantly.
“Would you have?”
“In a fucking heartbeat. I loved you more than life itself,” he says, and I deflate again. As in past tense. He used to love me.
“Loved?” I ask hesitantly.
“Who am I kidding? I never stopped loving you,” he admits.
“Me either,” I say.
“I want you and Kari to move in here with me,” he says it so earnestly that everything in my cold heart starts thawing out. I believe him when he says he would have come for me. I would have gone with him too. He made me so happy all those years ago and I know he will again.
“Okay. If you think that’s best,” I say agreeing with him. “I have to get back to Kari. I don’t want to leave her with my mom for so long.” I have mega anxiety when I can’t see her. I know it’s crazy, I know she’s with my mom, but that place wore me down in a way that I didn’t think was possible.
“Alright. We’ll go and get her together. This weekend we’ll decorate the guest room for her. For now, there is a bed though.”
“Trust me, she’ll be happy with that. We shared a bed at my aunt’s.”
“Fuck, Lissi. The more you tell me, the angrier I get and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it now.”
“I don’t mean for that to happen,” I say getting out of bed. I’m still naked. I watch him put his clothes and shoes back on and then we go out into the living room. I pull my dress back on and we leave.
In the car, it dawns on me that I don’t know anything about the grown ass man sitting next to me.
“What have you been up to since I’ve been gone?” I ask staring out the windshield.
“What do you mean. Are you asking if I have been with anyone else? Because I am telling you right here and now I haven’t.”
“I know,” I say placing my hand on his thigh. “Did you go to college? The military? Do you work with your brothers?”
“I went to the University of Minnesota. I have a four-year degree in Business Management. I do work with my brothers. I take care of billing and dealing with the clients, since those ass hats aren’t really good at peopling.” I burst out laughing. Wow, I haven’t done that in so long.
“Are you good at peopling?” I ask, raising an eyebrow at him.
“I pretend to be. Someone has to be,” he chuckles and grabs my hand that is on his thigh and brings it to his lips.
“Is it what you want to be doing?”
“It is.”
“Good, I am glad.”
“But I feel like I should mention that I also occasionally take care of unsavory business.”
“Unsavory?”
“I kill people, Lissi.”
“You kill people?” I ask not alarmed per se but concerned. For him.
“If I have to, and they always deserve it.”
“As long as they deserve it,” I say. I could freak the fuck out, but I know him and his brother’s. They protect people. They fight for the little guy and I am more than okay with that.
The drive is quick, since his house is only a few miles away from my childhood home. I almost don’t want to go in, but my baby girl is in there. Troy kisses my hand again. There are many happy memories in this house, but my last memory of it is so terrible I am having a hard time getting over it. Every time I close my eyes, I see my father coming at me, fist raised. I should have kicked his ass. I should have protected my baby. I should have done a lot of things, but I was paralyzed by fear.
“Ready to go in?" he asks. Despite not being together for the last seven years he still gets me, and I love that.
“I’m ready. I haven’t been back inside yet. We went right from the car to the funeral.”
“Okay. We’ll do this together,” he says before leaning over to kiss me.
Walking up the sidewalk and onto the porch, I push the door open.
“Mommy,” Kari screeches, running up to me.
“Hey baby,” I say gathering her into my arms.
“Do we live here now?” she asks.
“No, baby. Granny lives here. We are going to live a couple of streets over, with Troy.”
“You mean, my daddy don’t you, Mommy?” I look over at Troy. He looks down at his daughter, pride in his eyes.
“Yeah, pretty girl. We are going to live with your daddy. How do feel about that?”
“Don’t be silly, Mommy. It’s what supposed to happen,” she says nonchalantly.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“Duh. Mommy is so silly Daddy. Mommies and daddies and children are supposed to live together. God says so.”
“Does he now?”
“He does. I saw it in my children’s Bible. I’m hungry. Granny says there is something called pizza I just have to try.” She’s always hungry. At the compound, I could never keep her tummy full. I burst out into tears. My sweet baby hasn’t even had pizza before now.
“Alright. How ‘bout I take my beautiful girls out for pizza and maybe some ice cream. How does that sound?”
“What’s ice cream, Daddy?”
“Oh, God,” I wail. I need to get this shit in check. I am going to lose my mind.
“Why don’t you go grab your shoes, Kari, and say goodnight to your granny. We’ll wait right here for you,” Troy says. Once Kari skips away into the next room, he grabs me roughly by the shoulders, turning me to face him. He shakes my shoulders a bit to get my attention. I bite back my sobs. “Listen to me, Lissi. This isn’t your fault. If anything, it’s mine. I should have put a condom on or waited to make love to you until you were properly mine, but I didn’t. I had to claim you as I meant to keep on claiming you. We’ll give Kari all the things she missed out on, but you can’t cry like a war widow every time she tries a new food. You got me?”
“I get you,” I say sniffling.
“Good girl,” he says kissing away my tears.
We drive in silence to the pizza restaurant and enjoy our dinner. Before we even get home, Kari is passed out in the backseat. Troy carries her sleeping form like he’s been doing it since day one. I pull her pj’s out of her bag and strip off her funeral dress and have her in the pj’s in no time flat. I take the dress and shoes and shove them into the garbage can. For some reason I can't shake the feeling that these dresses are full of bad vibes. We tuck her in bed together. Leaving the door open a little, Troy leads me to the master bedroom. All I want to do
is take a hot shower and get rid of this oppressing dress. In the bathroom, I step into the hot water, letting it cascade down my body. Fuck my body hurts. I forgot how big Troy's dick was or how much of a beating my pussy took the other few times we had sex. After pulling on his dress shirt that was on the back of the door, I climb into bed beside him where he makes love to me all night long.
This day was so long and emotional, I finally fall asleep in his arms. Safe and protected for the first time in years.
5
Troy
Yesterday fucked with my head more than I care to admit. To think that all this time she has been living in prison. Like a woman with no people who love her. No access to a phone or medical care. The world for that matter. But more than that, she was going through all of this with my kid beside her. My fucking daughter was out there in the world without her father to protect her, love her, spoil her. No little girl should ever be without her father. I can’t stop the rage building inside me, and the fucked-up part is, the one person I can take it out on is dead. Fucking coward.
Rolling over and looking at Lisette's beautiful face, my rage is quickly replaced with the love and adoration I thought had vanished when she did. Turns out, it was just being held tight waiting for its owner to return home. She looks so peaceful and young right now. I sometimes forget that I am a few years older than her. Willing my cock to go down, I lean over and kiss her forehead before getting out of bed. I have to force myself to move before I roll her over and fuck her like I need to right now, proving to myself she is here.
I pull my pants on just in case my princess is awake and walk out into the living room. When I don’t see Kari, I go to the guest room and peek inside. She too is sound asleep, holding the stuffed animal she found on the bed. I blink a few times to push back the tears looking at this sweet, smart, delightful little girl. Knowing that I helped make her and the first seven years of her life were taken from me. My heart squeezes, as it wheezes on its own trying to convey the amount of brokenness it feels. Closing the door slowly, I walk into the kitchen taking out the ingredients for pancakes, bacon, and eggs.
My mind is a whirr of scenarios, questions, and ideas trying to figure out what to do. Where to go from here. There is so much the two of them are not accustomed to. Kari needs to be in school, Lisette ...Lisette. Saying her name fills my heart with warmth. I got Lisette back. Never in a million years did I believe this day would come. I’m not sure where I thought she was, but it never entered my mind that I would get to grow old with her in my arms. Watching my brothers fall one by one, I developed a bit of hard outer shell to deflect the amount of envy building up inside me.
As I finish the last of breakfast, I have a great thought and call my mom.
“Troy. My baby boy. I expected to hear from you today. What do you need my baby?” Oh lord. I wish she would stop calling me that. She is the reason my brothers all tease me about being a mistake, since I am the baby in the family. I roll my eyes at her.
“Mom. Stop it.”
“Hey now. You can’t stop a mama from loving her baby. You came out of my body 25 years ago at the ripe old age of 52. Hell, I thought I was going through the change and out pops your scrawny self. So, I get to call you anything I want to boy. Now how can mama help you?”
If I have to hear that story one more damn time. I chuckle though, thinking about how amazing my childhood was.
“Well mother, if you must know, I am calling because I was hoping maybe you could have a BBQ today so I can bring Lisette and Kari and introduce them to everyone.” I don’t bother saying anything more. See, my mother, Enid Jorgensen, is quite simply put, a badass. She used to be a spy for the CIA back in the sixties. She met my father on her first mission and married him. The rest they say is history. She stayed on inactive status. By the time I was born, she had retired. So, I am more than positive, she probably knows more about Lissi then I do at this point.
“Of course. I will let your father know and make sure to send out the mass email. Shall we say, noon?”
“Noon is perfect.” We hang up right when Lisette and Kari enter the kitchen.
“Good morning. How are my girls?” I greet each of them picking Kari up and kissing her forehead.
“I am good, Daddy. What is that on the table?” she asks with such enthusiasm not even aware that she should know what a fucking pancake is. I can feel the lump in my throat forming. I look over to Lissi, making sure she is holding it together. She gives me a weak smile, letting me know she is doing her best. Sitting Kari in the chair to my left, I pull out the chair to my right, kissing Lisette as she sits in it.
“These, my sweet girl are called pancakes. You put butter and syrup on them. They are sweet like special desserts you eat in the morning. I put one on her plate, load it with butter and syrup and watch as she takes the first bite. When she tries to shove the whole thing in her mouth, I laugh and remove some of it telling her to take her time. Lissi is quiet the whole time, smiling when warranted but not saying anything.
“Everything ok baby?” I ask her pulling her chin up to look at me.
“Yes. Sorry. Still trying to take it all in.”
“I bet. It is indeed a lot. Well, it's a good thing we have fun stuff planned for the day.” I say with a smile on my face.
“Really? What are we doing Daddy?” I turn and look at Kari and my heart beats faster. Every time she calls me ‘Daddy’ it sends warm feelings of love, unlike anything I have ever experienced through me.
“Your grandma Enid is having a BBQ to introduce you to all of your aunts and uncles and cousins. There are a lot of them.” Immediately, I see the uncertainty form in Lissi’s eyes, and it guts me to know she is unsure of my family. At one point, she was one of us.
“It is going to be fine, baby. My sisters-in-law and my nephew's wives are all wonderful. You are going to love them and they, you. Ok?” I take her hand and kiss it.
“Ok, Troy,” she says in more of a whisper. I recognize her false bravado but decide it will be easier to show her.
After breakfast, we clean up, get dressed and go for a ride. I drive them around our small town, pointing out the places we used to hang out. I also show Lissi new places that have been built since she left. Before I know it, we are pulling up to my mom’s house. Lisette barely gets Kari’s door open before she out and running into the backyard. Grabbing Lissi’s hand, I pull her to me and smash my mouth to hers. My hands grab her ass, connecting our bodies as our mouths do the dance. She moans as she feels me rubbing up against her. I want her mind on us. This moment. Nothing else. I know I have succeeded when she wraps her arms around me, and her tongue tries to take mine for a ride. Turning so she is up against the car, my hands roam all over her body. I could give two fucks where we are at this moment. Nothing matters right now, but the feeling of her in my arms and the smell of her need beckoning me to swallow it.
“Mmmm.” I hear behind me. Lissi freezes like she has just been caught by the cops. Kissing her forehead, I turn my body around, blocking hers from whoever was dumb enough to interrupt us.
“Brother,” Om says to me, raising his eyebrows. “Mom sent me out here to look for you when little mama ran in there by herself.”
“Yeah, she was a bit excited. Om, you remember Lisette?” I say moving so he can see her. Almost immediately I regret my decision. In a very un-Om-like fashion, he barely inclines his head to her before he begins to walk back into the house. I am about to say something to him, but he turns around, walks back toward us and kisses her cheek.
“Welcome back mouse.” he spins on his heels and walks into the backyard. I look toward, Lissi, knowing that Om calling her mouse must have brought back memories. Back then, when we were inseparable, my brothers called her ‘mouse’ because they said she was so quiet, you wouldn’t know she was in the room until she was right on top of you. Before I can ask her if she is ok, she turns to me.
“I knew this was a mistake, Troy. Your family hates me.”
“N
o, they don’t. No doubt Taryn, that’s his wife, has gotten him worked up about something, knowing the two of them. Come on. You’ll see. “I drag her into the house filled with everyone I love. I can see Kari making the rounds, already the life of the party.
“Daddy! I have so many uncles and aunties. Did you see all my cousins?” Her excitement is contagious. I laugh as I pick her up and walk the rest of the way into the room.
“I see you all have met my daughter Kari. This is her mom, Lissette.” I am not sure what I expect. Maybe a wave, some handshakes. Perhaps for all the girls to embrace her and bring her into their circle. What I don't expect, is for the room to be suddenly filled with animosity and so much disdain, goosebumps are forming on my arms and neck and they’re my family.
Fuck!!! Did I just make a mistake?
6
Lissette
I knew this was a fucking mistake. I just knew it. They won’t understand. All they will see is that I left and kept Kari from Troy. After a torturous amount of time not talking to anyone, we eat dinner. There are conversations going on all around me, but none of them include me unless Troy asks me something. Thank God, they are including Kari. She is the oldest kid here, but the toddlers are looking up to her like she is their little queen. It’s beyond cute. When dinner is over, I breathe a sigh of relief, we can finally get the fuck out of here, but I guess that isn’t to be. Troy takes his siblings out in the backyard and I am left alone with his parents. I help clear the table and do the dishes. It really is like old times. When we are done, Enid sweeps me up into a big hug. A hug I didn’t know I needed. Desperately. I struggle to keep my tears at bay, but it’s hard.